I've struggled with generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, & depression for the majority my life, but for the most part have overcome so much of it. However, my living arrangements, losing my kids because I am poor, constantly arguing with my elderly mum & the holidays, have me at the end of my rope.
No, I am not suicidal... Been there, done that, so to speak... many failed attempts in my youth, & a horrific childhood, led me to helping others overcome their issues. -This is where part of the problem lies... Since I am now, more or less the therapist, I have no place to turn when I am in need of help of a friend or listening ear.
I've been pretty much a recluse, since before Christmas, & going downhill fast. Since my return to the states, from Scotland last May to help my mum & work the tornado disasters, it all seems hopeless.
Aye, people tell me all the things I should be doing but aren't, or could be doing but won't, but they never offer any form of a support system. So-called Christians just shout words & tell me to have faith --I'm a Deacon, btw, [currently doing online school to finish], & being in the states, I don't understand these persons either--- I am one to help another, no matter what; I don't just shout empty words, walk away or give up.
I work with abused kids/teens, & do benefit concerts to raise money to give to shelters to help both them & animals. I have a concert coming up & can't focus at all, however I did have one good day after answering a few q&a's on here, as I was finally able to walk down to a store, but that turned bad also.
My elderly mum and I are basically what you would call "Homeless with a roof". The persons in mum's town here are the ones I was talking of at the beginning of my post. They even put us on the news, followed with loads of lies... I constantly look for work & a place for her to move to, but thanks to the news, it's futile.
People see me walking around town, & turn their heads, wishing I wasn't a part of their community, they won't allow mum to return to Sr. Citizen center for lunch & games, etc. that helped her so.
We have no car, fridge, stove, shower, electric or running water inside, & now our storage building has been burglarized recently & my clothing, & kid's were stolen.. Like many we struggle between buying our medications & food..
Like I told one, I am one to use my cat, or mum's service dog as 'furry Prozac' -tho' never taken Prozac, or I turn to my music, a book, Craig Ferguson, but all temporary fixes.
My heart feels like it is being ripped to shreds... another holiday, & when I walked down to the store I was talking to a few people standing around outside, as well as the clerk who came out to grab a smoke, then I heard the laughter aimed at me... "Go back to the 'bottoms' ya f**kin freak" "Ya stupid idiot, you don't belong here" & the such...
I broke my glasses recently, & can't replace, same goes for my dentures. --I keep forgetting how ugly or the 'freak' that I look to others, all because I'm the type to have never met a stranger... I strike up a conversation with almost anyone, until the hurtful words or laughter begins
I am unable to see my kids, all because my ex won't follow court orders, or I can't afford to buy them expensive gifts, so he will let me... My kids are my life, & I cannot change that yet, & I'm hurting so bad. I'd give anything for even a phone call from one of them.
I don't know how to help my mum anymore, nor fix anything more in this broken house, or face anyone all because of how I look... And I am getting infuriated when people tell me to 'move on', 'sometimes you just have to let go' or similar when it comes to my kids. Dang, you can't just run out and replace your child like you can an ex spouse!
And now, when I picked up the 2 meds I am on yesterday, [they are a brand I can't tolerate] I can gain no help with that either. I take Clonazepam & Promethazine. This brand feels like I swallowed glass & makes me nauseated, but still, it hurts that I am not worth helping. --Not self-pity here, as I did abuse my meds many years ago, but now take less than prescribed to prove that I am not...
My apologies that this is all a jumble, but my anxiety is running high, so I don't always write things the way I mean to...
Any suggestions on how to deal with any of these issues would be greatly appreciated!!!
~Just sign me, Hopeless & Lost