im not sure if i should even be posting this here, but i just need help...

my dad left because my mom cheated, and really it just seems like he doesnt care about me and my other two sisters. he always would make up excuses as to why we werent allowed to go see him. he would say that he couldnt make it cause he had no money for gas (we live 4 hours apart) when in reality hed actually be in mexico having a blast with his new wife and 3 kids who have all gone. he lies and tells us he has no money and always says that he will take us and that he wants to and he never does. i think its his wife and she just wants my dad all to himself. but whenever i see him i always feel so loved and like everything is perfect and i just wish i could feel that all the time so i forget about all the bad stuff and bury it deep down inside like nothing is wrong. i always want to tell him things cause im so fed up but i get so scared like he will reject it or wont even do anything to help..

so my stepdad came into the picture when i was just 3. im 16 now, so 13 years hes been in my life. hes helped raise us from then. but he was just awful. he would always scream at me or pick on me becuase i was scared to stick up for myself like my older sisters were. i once sat on an empty water bottle and he screamed and swore telling me to stfu and never do that again cause it was too loud. him and my mom would always fight, hed call her a bit ch, wh ore, sl u t basically anything. tell her to shut up whenever she wanted to address a problem. im adding more so just wait please aha
Update: they broke up a milion times and he would move out. mom would promise things would change and he wouldnt be coming back. but when he was gone she would get drunk and high all the time and then he would come back. more yelling and screaming and i just grew up like that... he never showed me any kind of love or kindness ever. and so my mom finally got tired of it and he got into anger management and counseling and stuff to get him to realize how horrible he was to his family.
Update 2: so hes changed a lot and hes gotten a lot nicer and he treats everyone with respect and is kind but has his moments like we all do. and i dont know what it is, i just feel this block. when it comes to him i cant say i love you cause i feel disgusting saying it or i cant hug him cause its weird and i dont like being around him. i feel like i dont love him. hes nothing to me. i tolerate him. i am respectful,but sometimes he gets annoying and ill end up having a slight attitude but it happens right
Update 3: so today i came home from school and im on my period and ive been really miserable lately. he came and pulled on my bag and idk why but it hurt and i just got pissed off and said stop it hurts and so he stopped and then started screaming at me and pointing at me and swearing and he got all in my face and said all i ever get from you is bitc-hyness and blah blah your dad doesnt give a fu*ck about you and ive been here your whole life and you cant even carry on with me as my mom just stood there.

Update 4: i do infact talk to him and i carry on with him sometimes. but i was never the person to say i love you to any one or give hugs or show affection. its just weird. im not like that and i do give him hugs sometimes and i do joke around with him so all of a sudden i snap because im in pain and he starts screaming at me and bringing in other people i love just to hurt me? grow up. i hate him honestly. i dont want to but i just do. i wish i had that perfect family. i dont know what to do, really.

i think the reason why is because i was scarred. ive told my mom that and she told me to get over it. and that its in the past. its not that easy, mom. i feel bad for not liking him because he does so much for me and i wish i could... but he just makes me so angry.