Hi guys, iI am new to these groups and this is a very personal and heart wrenching subject, hard to know where to begin and end. For that please forgive all type-os and grammar issues, I'm sorry in advance. As of today I am a recovered alcoholic with over 5 years sober and now turning back. But while my body is sober, my mind is not as you will soon uunderstand. My parting choices lead me down a dark road that nearly took my life with complete liver and kidney failure because I was always wanted and did not realize how sick I really was until a friend drive from out of state and forced me to the ER. He saved my life. My problem is that because of how sick I was and having lost everything I worked so hard to get (like my house) my parents were kind enough to let me move in with them, I also needed their help for my recovery. The problem that I am running into is that almost 6 years later I am starting to see some of my old behaviors in my mother. She is drinking virtually every night, she is a breast cancer survive and ive read that women who drink are at a much higher risk of getting the breast cancer back. That alone scares me, but what's worse is that I'm losing my mother. When she drinks I know longer know who she is. She becomes very argumentative and compatible, she yells at everyone telling us all that the problem s are not with her its everyone else causing her misery. She no longer is that mother that I always looked upto and could count on when I needed her. Each night (some way worse than others) her speech is slurred, shes constantly repeating herself, the next day she remembers little of the night before. She tries to hide and minimize her drinking and of coarse she is in complete denial. The real kicked that hurt me the worst and left me heart broken, unlock and all alone was this year was my 40th birthday and should have been a huge milestone for me since in 2009 I was given less than a year to live with my liver disease, but I have beaten all odd and not only made it past the year but now I am over 5 years past the expiration date the Dr's gave me, whats more is that is that every new liver test I go for shows a badly damaged liver but it's working in damn near perfect fashion! I couldn't be product of myself! The problem however came in on my bday. My mothers drinking was getting out of control so I wrote her a letter asking her to open it at the specific time I was both on my bday. For my whole life my mother would always call, or if I was at her house she woukd always come in and wish me a happy bday at that time, so I found it to be a finding time to ask her for the only bday present that I honestly want, my mother back, sober and strong. She hadn't known what was going to be in that letter and made a point earlier in the day to tell me that she had to stay up for my birthday time to read my letter. The problem was that she did read it at that time, but had no decensy to come wish me a happy 40th bday. In fact she basically ignored the whole thing like it never happened. Never acknowledged to me that she read it just that when I told her I was waiting for a response all I got was an "uh huh". She was so drunk on what should have been one of the greatest milestone of my life, that she was hung over in bed for two damn days blaming her "sickness" on everything but her drinking. She sat up in bed long enough to hand me a card. I have too tell you the gut purchase I got that day made me physically sick. I am not stuck living in what I consider the worst toxic hell for an alcoholic with almost 6 years clean. I can't afford to move out and no one in my family wants anything to do with trying to get her help because as we all know, it's up to the alcoholic to make the decision, admit to themselves there is a problem and end their denial otherwise no amount of discussion, interventions, or support will make any bit of difference. I love my mom, but I hate what she has become. Worse is I feel partially responsible for this because she had to watch her own son grasping to life day after day, to month after month and I feel this is how she decided to come with it, at the same time alcoholism does run in her family, and I certainly did not hand her the drinks, it was her decision. Im at a loss, don't know what to do. Do I allow myself to take the blamevas as punishment for what I put her through? Do I keep trying to show her how scared I am that shes going to literally wind up with liver disease like her son if she doesn't stop? Do I even have the right to say anything after my history? I love my mom with all my heart but I hate that I know longer know who she is anymore. Please if you can, iI need some advise, ideas, anything because as things are right now, she has almost pushed me to suicide a few times for fear, guilt, anger, loneliness, name it I've felt it, however the fear of my own death and believe it or not the love and companionship of my cat are the only reasons I have not already departed. I have little if anything to love or be loved by and its a sad lonely and scarey place I don't wish on my worst enemy. Then again, I don't believe I have any entries. I really look forward to hearing some feedback any questions ill do my best to answer. Thank you for your generosity of your time. It means a lot.
Hi, i am so saddened to read this. I understand totally how you feel. Being an alcoholic myself and having it run in my family. 2 of my uncles, and my father to a lesser extent. I only know one side of my family (my mums) as my dad was adopted, so maybe even more members are affected by alcohol/addiction? My uncles have drank excessively my entire life, so i grew up with it and didn't really know any different, and didn't realise how serious it was until, as an adult, my own drinking dawned upon me as a major problem. My dad and i didn't have a good relationship for most of my life, until he became seriously ill with Endocarditis about 5 years ago. So i wasn't really concerned about his alcohol use, as i was more concerned with his temper and controlling behaviour. Now we have become close (in the past few years) i care more about him, hence i worry more about him.
It was recently that he was helping me construct some furniture that i saw how shaky his hands were, he couldn't hammer in a nail, and kept dropping things. At first i was concerned about Parkinsons, but i now realise it is withdrawal symptoms from drinking the night before. I, or any other member of my family, would never have considered approaching him in the past about his drinking, but my mum and I recently scripted a conversation that she could start with my dad and he was much more receptive than i could have imagined. I think/I know, that staring death in the face (with the Endocarditis) softened my father, made him more sensitive to other peoples feelings, and ultimately made him care for and appreciate his family more. I don't know what effect my alcoholism has had on my father? I know i have shocked him a fair few times throughout my life, ending up in hospital close to death myself on more than one occasion. I'm sure the letter you wrote to your mother struck a chord, and maybe this is why she dismissed it, out of guilt. And wasn't able to face up to what she is doing to herself and to you. Does she suffer from depression? I'm just wondering, as this makes alcoholism 10 times worse, especially if it isn't being treated. As you have said yourself, it's your mother who needs to say "I've got a problem and i want/need help". Making that first step is the only way to move forward, and something needs to make your mum make this declaration... Do you think she would attend counselling sessions, with or without you? At least try one session??? Either addiction based, or otherwise. Does she have a good relationship with her doctor? Maybe she could start a conversation with him/her? I understand the confidentiality clause in doctor/patient relationships, but making a phone call or visit to the doctor your mum see's and having a conversation about your concerns could be useful? I wish there was something else i could suggest??
I lived with two alcoholic parents. They fought, punched and spent every penny on booze rather than shoes for us kids. I saved my mother from suicide many times. The earliest i recall was when I was 7 and took a butcher knife out of her hand as she threatened to kill with it. The earliest fight with my dad punching out my mom was before I was 2. We grew up neglected, terrorized, rarely slept, and it was a living hell. My father died from congestive heart failure one night because he was drinking up a storm the night before. My mother got liver cancer from countless years of heavy drinking. Our family split apart and we spent our adult life getting over it. What you feel and what you do is now up to you. The quicker you come to terms with your life the easier your life will become. I did everything I could think of to help my mother. She never wanted the help. She died a terrible death.
Liver cancer is extremely painful.
I suggest you work with a therapist who specializes in these things. Learn your true value. Learn that you aren't able to fix anyone except for yourself. Learn that some people refuse help. There is nothing you can do about her condition. She knows, trust me, she knows.
I never joined the support groups. They weren't for me. A therapist gave me back my self respect and my assurance it had nothing to do with me. You are valued. You are the one who can be saved. I gave up all drinking. It never changed the fun I had with friends or the things I did. It is a myth that alcohol is needed to be social. You already know that. :). I have a wonderful husband and a lovely daughter. You make your life what you want it to be. Don't forget. There is an exciting world out there. You are not your parents. You are you!
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