I'm in my early 20's, and I've always been an anxious person. I've had fears of being in big crowds, often feel as though I'm being looked at for my appearance etc.
Although I am often anxious, it hasn't really ever stopped me from functioning, or having a "mental breakdown". Up until a few weeks, I haven't really thought of myself having an anxiety disorder.
Sure I don't have many friends, I have a few, and no I don't go out and I like things to be familiar. I'm with my spouse of three years now, and we have a routine which I have come to love. I've never been one to like drugs. The only drug I've ever tried in my life has been marijuana. Tried it once, hated it. Any other time it was due to a social situation, and I felt if I opted out I'd look like a child.
Anyhow, I remember this one time (about a year ago), where I ate a cookie with marijuana in it. I came later to find out how big of a mistake that turned out to be. I panicked, and no matter how hard I tried to get a hold of myself, tell myself that I am just impaired and I'll be returning to my normal self soon, I couldn't bring myself to believe that. So that was my last time using the drug, and I swore it off. No matter what, I would NEVER touch it again. I remembering sitting and feeling so detached from reality. I couldn't focus, and I'd try like hell to force myself to focus. I'd ask myself how long have I been in this position, I'd readjust. I ended up getting up (2AM) and going into the shower in the middle of winter, and sitting in the tub with the cold water running, trying to force myself to snap out of it. Needless to say, it was a frightening experience I never ever want to encounter again.
Fast forward to about, ... oh I'd say two weeks or so ago, my spouse brought home some baked goods given to him by a co-worker. I sat down with him, and ate one. And for some unknown reason, the thought popped into my head.."Wouldn't it be terrible if this had marijuana in it?" Instantly I felt this terror wash over me, and I was instantly assessing myself. How's my breathing? Am I too hot? Does this feel comfortable? Do I feel like my senses have been numbed? I asked my spouse, "You don't think these could have marijuana in them, do you?" He laughed and said, "No, they're from work. You don't do that to people without warning them." I told myself he was right, and I was just overly sensitive. The rest of the night, I was on edge. Trying to force myself to forget it, and convince myself I was silly. That night while lying in the dark, next to my spouse, looking into the darkness of the room, trying to make myself fall asleep, I started feeling as though I was going insane in that moment. I woke him, and clung to him. I was so... needy that night.
And since then, I have been having such major panic attacks, which I've never had prior. Admittedly, I am usually anxious, so that's nothing out of the normal for me.
But it feels like these have gotten so much worse, something I've never really experienced before and it frightens me.
I'll sit in silence at home, doing my usual tasks that I do, and it feels as though I've been focusing on my computer screen for too long, and I'm far away. I come to, and ask myself how much time do I think have passed? My heart pounds, I feel hot, I take my temperature 100.3 my heartbeat rate 98-100. I try to tell myself this is temporary, this will pass. I feel as though I'm not in the actual reality, as if I am far away. And I keep telling myself in my head, "Just hold on, don't panic. You'll see, weeks will pass and you'll be right back to how you were. Just wait this out." But it hasn't seemed to happen yet.
I don't know if I have an anxiety disorder, or if it may be something else mentally. I don't take any medications. I haven't been to a doctor since I was probably 16. I don't go because I feel fine just to clarify. Does anyone else experience this? Is this something that isn't insanity, and it's some form of anxiety?