Hi, if there is a professional who could help me with this I'd appreciate it, a lot! In a nutshell, husband has erectile dysfunction. Also diabetes, which is the reason for the ED. Was injecting which was very expensive, but did work. He decided no more sex, too expensive. Didn't tell me though. So naturally as time went by and no intimacy at all I got upset. When I asked about it, an argument followed. We're ok now, but he said he told me there wouldn't be any more sex because he told me it was expensive, so I was supposed to have known. I didn't. Anyway, since that conversation he is looking at porn online, a LOT. I haven't told him I know about that. Its obvious though, closed door & he's not too smart at hiding where he's been online. So, I feel ugly, and completely unsexy all over again. Seeing as there was a big argument when I first broached the no sex issue, any ideas? There is no substitute intimacy either, its a quick kiss when he leaves for work and that's as close as we get these days. I love him madly, and quite honestly would just like some passion, a passionate kiss at least but there's nothing any more. Help?
Wow, what a situation you have. Well, I hope this can make you feel better. I am a 35 year old man. I have had ED since I was 21. Dr's don't know why it started so young but it did. I know this seems cliche and a little stereotypical American male, but I felt as if the entire world outside myself was in a different dimension. People don't seem to understand the emotional hardship that ED patients have. His distance and reluctance to get close is a reflection of how he feels about himself, not how he feels about you. It really has nothing to do with you so to speak. As for the porn, imagine being desperate to have an orgasm but having so much fear, anger and resentment towards your lack of erection. Imagine how embarrassed men may get if they attempt to have some type of intimacy but they feel they are inadequate, that the attempt was a waste of your time. When he's in there with the computer there are a couple things happening. 1) Porn is designed to be ultimate fantasy, above and beyond normal intimacy. This over-stimulation can sometimes, for a short while, jump start the erectile process. 2) He is shamed by his disorder and he doesn't want you to see him attempting to have sex and failing. 3) When its just him and Debbie Does Dallas, he can experiment to try to achieve orgasm with a flaccid penis without being self-conscious that he is rubbing and stimulating a soft member. I know it sounds bizarre but flaccid orgasms are actually possible and quite enjoyable.
I urge you to seek counseling for both you and your husband. I would try separately first, then maybe joint sessions. Please remember that this is not about you and how attractive you are or how he feels about you. This is about needless shame and his only available coping mechanism right now which is the porn. Be compassionate. Try to be a man in your mind for just a minute to see what that would be like. It's impossible to completely understand but when an honest effort is made to do so, it is one of the most supportive things you can do.
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