I tried throwing up after a meal a couple months ago, I tried it 3 times in a few weeks, maybe out of curiosity I don't know. Then I tried it a few weeks ago and have done it almost every day or up to 3 times a day. I started declining invitations to hang out & the leaving things early & am having the urge to sleep all day. I don't nesicarelly (hope that's spelled right) binge though. I eat a little bit, maybe up to a regular or smaller than a regular size lunch and I HAVE to throw it up! I feel disgusting. Fat. I never felt this way until senior year. I think it's cause I have always been SUPER skinny, but also ALWAYS active. I had to eat SO much just to gain muscle so I could excel in certain sports! I mean I was never super muscular but I was very toned. Then my thighs touched & I finally accepted sports wasn't what I wanted to do after high school & decided to model. They told me I needed to lose a bit of weight, so I didn't eat for two days & got into the "perfect weight". & may I say- I was at 118 pounds at 5'9" at 18 years old. I am still 18 as this was only a few months ago. I was always super confident, never cared about what people thought about me, & I still really don't, I just feel disgusting about myself Entirely. I'm not depressed about life, I'm just not liking that all of the sudden from a month and a half ago, I got cellulite on my legs, & I just found other places & am INCREDIBLY DISGUSTED. I hate throwing up, I know it's disgusting but the relief is SO great! Other than the occasional dehydrated paralysis where my body is so exhausted I just lay on my floor for an hour or so until I can move, and my face doesn't give it away. Trust my I know it's disgusting- I hate that sometimes it's so bad I can't swallow & my eyes tear so I can't see anything. But it feels good. & I really want to try the Syrup of Epicac. I know its extraordinarily bad for you but maybe I want that. I also realize that some of this has been happening for a long time- the bulimia/anorexia issues (it isn't just throwing up, there is exorcising bulimia, and other things) in high school I would get freaked out when I felt really full when I ate that extra piece of pizza & would think "oh I have to run that off NOW!" And I've always, when drinking or hungover I feel the need to run, run run run. & when drinking at highschool parties (I graduated last year) I realize now I ALWAYS threw up at parties ((people never new) but I'd drink SO much that I would need to throw up, in case I ate too much or didn't want that much in my body, I just. Felt. Better. So basically I realize that this has been going on for a while. & it has been taking a dramatic effect on my body during the past month. I want to stop & I don't. I am a very outgoing person but a very emotionally awkward person. My whole family is like that. So I have a lot of pent up emotion, & as you can tell I can't tell them anything, I'm not wired that way. I have told my friend because she went through something similar.
This is not stupid. This is a serious problem that needs addressing now. You have a psychological illness called bulimia, just as you said. You may have another problem that started it all, but that's for a professional to determine. You need counseling asap. You may need to see a GP or psychiatrist for a diagnosis for billing your insurance so you don't have big bills unpaid. The counselor would need to specialize and have had success with bulimic patients. Start looking NOW, please. You can ask a pharmacist for a recommendation (pharmacists can talk to you in privacy) or search the internet and read reviews for both professionals. Ask who your friend went to if she did get help. There may be support groups online and in your area for you to get recommendations for professionals and for support for you. You're going to do a lot better with lots of support.
You need to have a different mindset for your good physical and mental health. Modeling breeds these kinds of disorders. You need to avoid that world and find another goal in your working life. You know that this hasn't happened overnight and neither will the cure happen overnight. But it can be done. You have to make yourself find help and enlist anyone who will help you find the right people that you need.
If your teeth haven't started decaying, they will. You won't look good once your tooth decay starts getting ugly and noticeable. Throwing up regularly will do this. The acids in your stomach for digesting food were never meant to touch your teeth. People recover from anorexia and bulimia if they really want to. You need to see yourself more realistically. You are already very trim and thin. I have a relative who nearly died from anorexia and had it for years. She eventually recovered and has 2 beautiful healthy boys. That is something of a miracle because the damage you cause with anorexia and bulimia isn't always reversible. I know a bulimic whose teeth are nasty and severely decayed. Get off that path asap. Success is possible for you, too.
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