I tried throwing up after a meal a couple months ago, I tried it 3 times in a few weeks, maybe out of curiosity I don't know. Then I tried it a few weeks ago and have done it almost every day or up to 3 times a day. I started declining invitations to hang out & the leaving things early & am having the urge to sleep all day. I don't nesicarelly (hope that's spelled right) binge though. I eat a little bit, maybe up to a regular or smaller than a regular size lunch and I HAVE to throw it up! I feel disgusting. Fat. I never felt this way until senior year. I think it's cause I have always been SUPER skinny, but also ALWAYS active. I had to eat SO much just to gain muscle so I could excel in certain sports! I mean I was never super muscular but I was very toned. Then my thighs touched & I finally accepted sports wasn't what I wanted to do after high school & decided to model. They told me I needed to lose a bit of weight, so I didn't eat for two days & got into the "perfect weight". & may I say- I was at 118 pounds at 5'9" at 18 years old. I am still 18 as this was only a few months ago. I was always super confident, never cared about what people thought about me, & I still really don't, I just feel disgusting about myself Entirely. I'm not depressed about life, I'm just not liking that all of the sudden from a month and a half ago, I got cellulite on my legs, & I just found other places & am INCREDIBLY DISGUSTED. I hate throwing up, I know it's disgusting but the relief is SO great! Other than the occasional dehydrated paralysis where my body is so exhausted I just lay on my floor for an hour or so until I can move, and my face doesn't give it away. Trust my I know it's disgusting- I hate that sometimes it's so bad I can't swallow & my eyes tear so I can't see anything. But it feels good. & I really want to try the Syrup of Epicac. I know its extraordinarily bad for you but maybe I want that. I also realize that some of this has been happening for a long time- the bulimia/anorexia issues (it isn't just throwing up, there is exorcising bulimia, and other things) in high school I would get freaked out when I felt really full when I ate that extra piece of pizza & would think "oh I have to run that off NOW!" And I've always, when drinking or hungover I feel the need to run, run run run. & when drinking at highschool parties (I graduated last year) I realize now I ALWAYS threw up at parties ((people never new) but I'd drink SO much that I would need to throw up, in case I ate too much or didn't want that much in my body, I just. Felt. Better. So basically I realize that this has been going on for a while. & it has been taking a dramatic effect on my body during the past month. I want to stop & I don't. I am a very outgoing person but a very emotionally awkward person. My whole family is like that. So I have a lot of pent up emotion, & as you can tell I can't tell them anything, I'm not wired that way. I have told my friend because she went through something similar.