This is more a conversation piece, I guess. On the forum there are a lot of posts from partners whose s/o has depression and is unable to function (and they don't know what to do). As a depressive myself, I functioned so well that my then husband did not even appreciate I was seriously depressed, even when I told him. My depression (even on meds) went from not talking to being obsessive, angry, full of despair BUT as I have OCD, I was driven to have the perfect house and to present normality for my hyper kids. I had to strategically plan shopping trips due to agrophobia. I was not even aware that the fear of going out was a mental issue until I had therapy.
I learned as a result of a very dysfunctional childhood how to always wear the right mask and hide everything, consequently very little notice was taken of me, even by my doctor, of just how serious my situation was. All my cries for help were left unnoticed, until I was mid suicide attempt and stopped, realising I did not truly want to leave my children but needed help. I actually booked my own inpatient treatment. I still find it hard to be heard, I have had to cut friends off who were draining me with their problems and never listened to mine. I am getting more demanding as I learn more about my mental illness and realise that I have some very serious issues that should have been addressed a long time ago and that I can be my own worst enemy.
This forum gives me a lot of strength to go forward. I'd really like to hear from others with a similar story and how they overcame this mask wearing and got the right help.
Well to tell ya one thing that definately does not help is if you were attracted to and or began drug/alcohol usage at a young age... I am what they say a recovering alcoholic, which I do not feel there is any such thing. Once you have this type of disease if you will, you live with it for the rest of your life... Also pot and or cocaine or any other types of drugs to change chemicals in the brain thereby your brain functions and the way of your thinking processes are different and will never be the same. This is one thing that can cause or attribute to depression or worsen a problem that was already there...
I can most certainly relate to this message that you have written and for the first time in my life I realize that my depression too, goes way back, to when I was a young girl about the age of 8 and up though it didn't really manifest itself to the point of needing medications until I was 19, and I have been on and off medications ever since. I am 44 yrs of age now. Responsibility, money issues, children, work/inside and outside of the home not to mention trying to appease and please everyone around you just does not work sometimes, those things also contributing to certain types of depression. I suffer from extreme anxiety, panic disorder and I am bi-polar and the struggle and barriers that I have had to face in the past 4 years have been so debilitating thereby putting me in the hospital... Everyday is a struggle very much so, and scientist themselves are still trying to understand the true nature of depression and if there really is any such thing as being completely healed or overcoming the disease period.
I'm not sure that I'm depressed, but I certainly have problems where I don't want to get out of bed, and life seems overwhelming. Does that qualify? My mother beat us and my father up-he was a boxer and had to take it or run out of the house. He was 114 lbs and she was 200. By the age of 16-I had high blood pressure and stomach problems-broke out in rashes-had run away from home. If I didn't put on that face-the mask-I got beat. My father died when I was 12. Prayer and self-hypnotism help me a lot. Now I'm dealing with statin toxicity that ruined my leg muscles. Normally-I worked -like digging, landscaping, home repair, went hiking. Now it hurts to drive a car, let alone walk. I got real mad one day and kicked a wall. I learned to cope with physical activity, now I don't even have that option.
2 depressents are the only thing that controls my stomach-so I can't take anti-depressents. Basically my stomach has epilepsy-It's been labeled as hyperactive-prone to seizures. I worry that if I go in for counseling for the results of statin toxicity that they'll take my stomach meds away-which gives me the choice of having rage as a mask to show my despair. Then I wonder why I want counseling-I've tried it a few times-and it didn't work at all-I felt like I was a puppet on a string-and the counselor was a puppet master. I didn't cry on cue, etc. So I now hold an 80 lb coonhound and cry on her long ears. Again, I'm scared that they will take away my stomach medication. Anytime I see a new doctor-which isn't often- they start asking me about suicide-non-stop crying and say even if I'm not suicidal-that I shouldn't be taking the stomach med-and I panic and try not to show excessive rage.
19 Apr 2012
Hello Aud. Good to see you post and am glad that you asked a question that effects so many. It has been a life time of learning. And not always by my chooosing. If anything depression and still does has forced me to make decisions. Some painfull, some not. My illness is seldom talked about by my immediate family. And I prefer it that way. Depression has taught me how to cope. I am a complicated individual yet also simple. Depression has taught me patience as well as tolerance. I've learned that more often than not, people can be caring and not caring. Depression has made me stronger? and yet it has made me indifferent to others in areas. I take the times, days as they arrive and try and not to worry. Its so pointless. Worry can be such a load of luggage. I am refractory to the psychiatric drugs. They do not do the job and if they do, do so at sub-par and not for any length of time to mention. I can be very selfish. In a private manner.
I need to come first, because if I am not at a level of being able to do the daily routines, I am in trouble. I cannot afford a crash. Thats my safety valve. Knowing I might not have it within myself to come out of a spin/crash. And, I do not need to or want to gamble on that point. And in the end, thats a solid enough reason for me. I love/passionate reading anything in regards to depression. The psychiatric illness(s) they take up my time, but what better a subject to learn about then the one that I have. Are thier days where I would prefer to not be who I am? Of course. However, its been this way throughtout my life. So, I adapt the best way that I might. And I am good at it. Depression has been a part of me for however long I might remember. If I could have a dollar for every pill that I have taken over the years, I would be $$$$$$. Regards, pledge
30 Apr 2012
I will explain this the best i can the way i understand depression. first of all i am the best mask wearer of all time. i had to learn at a young age to pretend, i learned that when i got blamed for many things i didn't do i would get beat untill i coped to whatever it was i supposably did so i learned to lie just so i would stop getting beat. i learned at a young age it was time to know what women feel when certain things are done to them. i had to learn how to put myself in a happier place, while i was had to stay very still and quiet and why any women want to feel that much pain not understanding i was a little girl that was not suppose to happen to but each time it was suppose to get easier i was told.
as i was going through therapy she told me that if you went throught some very traumatic things a part of your brain stopped developing at that age, so say 8year old at 18 you still have not learned things, sorry i know what im trying write but i don't know how to explain it so you understand. i to felt and still do feel unnoticed or like im the person looking in. unfortunitly i'm in my 40s but around my mom i become a child again. im afraid of her im so afraid of her that if she sees me taking a walk that im going to get in alot of trouble then i wont call her cause im to scared. my childhood become apart of my persent alot. i become very withdrawn very easy. sorry i just babbled and probably had nothing to do with what you were asking. judi
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