... several weeks now... so if I get to wordy, I'm sorry
I had 3 children, two daughters and a son. My son died in 04 at age 32 from a drug overdose. My middle child, died this past July 28th... don't know the cause of death yet, she did have xanax in her system, but to all of our knowledge, she didn't have enough for an overdose and couldn't afford to buy any.
My youngest has me very, very depressed... suddenly at that.
After our daughter died, my husband and I couldn't get to the funeral, the girls are in Kansas. We had no money to travel, but mainly, my health wouldn't allow the travel. I have and arterial clotting disease, and have lost one leg to it, plus I have very severe respiratory problems. It just wasn't possible.
During and right up until today, my remaining child and I have kept inclose contact. At one point I sent her an email, and in it I tried to express how I thought I might feel if my sister had died and I was the last child. I touched on a number of points, and she said I was right on. I've sent her cards, packages, gifts, and lots of different things to keep her spirits up. I need to digress here for a minute. In preparation for the memorial service, I helped her word what she wanted to say, as she and her sister had lived together, parted on bad terms, but then things got better. She was going to include the bad part of my deceased daughters moving in her eulogy. I helped her re-word it so that there was no hint of any bad time, and in fact things were better because of the move anyway. I wrote my own eulogy which she promised to read for me. There is SO MUCH bad that happened surrounding this whole terrible time, but in short, I sent some flowers. The service was video taped. Of course there was a printed memorial program. She promised to send me these things. I badly wanted to see the memorial service. After it was over, in the course of going through my daughters things, my daughter and I would talk about what to do with them and I expressed that I wanted a number of things. I asked her to send me a few of the flowers from the ones we sent. There were lots of pictures of my deceased daughter at the service and she was going to send me those as well (copies). In one picture Idid get (one of two), my daughter had a necklace on. I asked her to send that to me.
To this date, she had sent me none of these things, nor has she ever sent so much as a card to me. The church sent me a copy of the service today and the memorial service program. I was so glad to finally get it, naturally it was very upsetting. But during the service, my daughter made a quick mention that I couldn't be ther e due to health reasons, and that was all. She never read the last words I wrote to my daughter. When she went to the podium, she had her papers in her hands, and as she spoke she went through the papers, and at the end of her eulogy, there were no papers left. She had never intended to read what I had written to her. This really broke my heart. Not only did she have no intention of reading what I wrote, she could never even be bothered enough to send me the DVD of the service. I got it from a complete stranger. After some thought I emailed her, and told her what I had realized and the things I've mentioned that have bothered me and that for a while, I didn't think I wanted to talk to her. I assured her I loved her, but that for now, I just didn't want to talk.
She wrote back and said she was blocking me from her email, saying she didn't want me writing things to her that would hurt her. I did write back, and simply said, as it was most of the time, she was missing the big picture. By that I had meant of all the things she had NOT done. I also had emailed her a site that talked about what losing a child was like for a parent. As I said, she completely missed the point of the enormity of how she had hurt me. She has a very bad temper, and it would not be beyond her to stay out of touch for a year or more now. She's pretty vindictive. I'm pretty lost...
Depression - Before I ask my question, you need to know I'm bipolar and have been very manic for?
... several weeks now... so if I get to wordy, I'm sorry
Added 19 Oct 2010:
To midwestma and DeNeese,
Thank you both for your caring responses,, and I know you're right about just about everything you say, but the thing that really upset me the most was that after all this time, she could never even be bothered to send me a copy of the memorial service. It was like going to my daughters funeral yesterday....if that makes sense. But, again, I will take what you both have said and in prayer, try to resolve this in my own mind. I am a very forgiving person actually. In my initial question on this site, I wrote that I beleived I suffered from PTSS. In 04, my son died, then in 06, my mom died and there was a great deal of anger directed at me from my younger sister. I never knew way....it was so bad. Then 6 months later, my father had started a new med. He had a strange reaction within a week. I told him it sounded like a possible drug reaction and advised him not to take another dose before talking to his Dr. By that afternoon, my sister had convinced him I was wrong, and when I mentioned it again, he got put out with me, saying I was always talking about Drs. A week later, he died from that drug reaction. (My sister had convinced him I wanted him in a nursing home).
I'm a retired nurse, and had always taken care of all our family members to the point of having one live with me to keep her OUT of a nursing home.
A few months after he died I lost my leg. I got into a very deep depression that just started lifting about 8 months ago, then on July 27th, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and on the 28th, my daughter died. I hope I am not going into that depression again....like I mentioned, it's not the possesions so much as the lack of care or empathy to the point that she didn't even bother to send me that funeral service DVD. That's the thing that hurts so bad. Thank you both so much for your responses, and please do keep me in your prayers, I really need them now.
I am so sorry for your loss, my youngest daughter will be 32 next May, I have a daughter that will be 34 in Jan, and my son will be 35 in Dec this year. I cannot begin to fathom the loss of any of my children.
Just know that your youngest is dealing with her grief in a way you may not see as "proper", we never know how we will each react under the same or simuler circumstances.
She may have hurt your feelings by virture of not following through with the euology the way you wanted, if you can, try to let go of that. I can only imagine how this must hurt your heart. However, maybe give her a little slack, as young as she is, she may be hurting beyond words. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. It's diffucult dealing with your own illness, and then to lose two children, it beyond my comprehension.
Continue to send her snail mail, if she has blocked her e-mail, let her know you love her, but try not to criticize the way the funeral was handled. That can be talked about later, when the burning ache of losing two siblings is much easier for her also. Can you reach out to someone in church, that can visit with you, talk with you etc? Do you have other family close by that you can talk to? It's best not to beat a dead horse if you know what I mean, that will only get her resisteance to reach out to you much harder. I'm not a doctor, I can only tell you how I feel, or would try to handle this. Please do check back often, I will say many prayers for you and your beloved children, again, I am sorry for your loss, I pray your daughter comes around soon, and get also let go of past hurts. Therapy may be in the future for her in order to deal with this too, I hope she also reaches out to get help. My best to you, I'm not sure if the response helps at all, just know there are a lot of wonderful wise and caring folks here. Come back as often as you need too OK... God Bless you... midwestma/Gwendolene
So sorry for your loss.Try not to be too hard on your youngest child. I know from the grief I suffer looseing my mother to cancer that is is not always easy to deal with personal possesions. I have a room full of my mothers things some 11 years later and unable to go to that room and get it organized. It sets off crying spells, and in addition a family member, my brothers wife has brought a great deal of grief to me over this. My mother left all of her jewelry to me in her will. She felt her grandaughter deserved to have part of the good jewelry. There was not much. I did make her a box and gave it to her. She was very young at the time. Her grandmother refered to it as junk in a letter to me. It caused many problems over the years. My mom's wedding rings and a few others could not even be found for her to wear at the funeral. Nor have I been able to find them sence. For years my brother and my sisterinlaw insisted I had them. I finaly made up my mind if I find them I was going to send them to them just to stop the hurt, and told them this. Give your youngest time, it may be too hurtful for her to give up her sisters things. Each of us deals with things in different ways. My son came home, from TX for a while and was with me for a time after I had the break down and was hospitalized. He married while he was here. Could not make a decent living in such a small town and has moved back to TX now. I am not able to afford to travel to see him either. They are not able to afford it either. They have been back home only one time. It is so hard to be away from your children, my son does not even call me that often. We were very close when he was here. She will come around in time. Just continue to write to her and be there for her. Try not to mention the things you asked her for, it will only push her farther away. I now have fell out of contact with my my brother and sisterinlaw because of it. Hope this helped.
I am very sorry for your loss my dear. I lost my daughter at 3 days old due to the fact she was a preemie and I was in poor health during the pregnancy I was on a guilt trip alot until I finally came to grips with it, don't get me wrong I still have issues with it but I know she is in a better place and that I have a gaurdian angel looking over me and that has kept me going until I see her again one day. You now need to concentrate on you now it may sound selfish but I am sure your children would not want you to suffer because of this. I am sorry about your health mine isn't good either and I ended up in the hospital for both medical and psychiatric after I lost my daughter it was real hard on me and I also didn't have a supportive family. My daughters father even denied she was his and didn't go to the funeral because he was at the birth of another womans baby that he got pregnant at the same time as me and I never knew it.
I love children but have had five miscarriages before the death of my daughter so I adopted a girl and now have 3 granddaughters one was born on Oct 17th and my birthday is Oct 19th, my daughter tried to hold off but she wanted out so out she came. Well I guess enough of me but I just want you to know you are not alone so just hold on and you will see them again but please get some support and feel free to write here anytime there are alot of good people hear to talk too. Hope this has helped some and I will keep you in my prayers hang in there marjorie zych
First off my heart, thoughts,and prayers go out to u and your family. I could not imagine going thru so much of that kind of heartache and pain. I am a month away from being 30,so I would guess I am somewhere arnd your daughter's age. I can't say my mama and I have gone thru what y'all have, but we have been thru a lot. She put me thru a lot growing up with her alcoholic, and VERY abusive hubby, but when I turned 16 I ut her thru alot. We r both severely depressed people. I can not imagine how hurt u must have been, not only not being able to get to the funeral, but the way your daughter did and is doing u. I have an older brother and older sis that barely have anything to fo with my ma allo becuz of her hubby and what he did to us as kids. I am the only one who stays close to her. We have a lot of ups and downs, but when it comes to it I can't go too long without atleastvsending a mess because as i have gotten older I realize that one day, hopefully many,many years from now, she won't be here. I would just take sometime apart and when u feel ready send hrr a note letting her know u love her always, and what she did is forgivable but not forgetable. In the mean time just try to remeber all the good times u had with all 3 and know that u and ur daughter both have two guardian angels that will bring u together again when the time is right. I may be young enuf to be your daughter, but if u ever need to talk I am hrre. My prayers go out tp u and your fam.
I am sorry about your loss. Although I do not know personal things that have happened in the past, it seems as though your daughter is angry. Of course she is going to be depressed and have anger considering she has lost two siblings, but was there something that ever happened in the past that she hols a grudge towards you or would make her be angry with you? Like I said, I do not know the history before all of these events, but try asking her what's really upsetting her.
Dear Neison, I cannot fathom going through what you have. You are a very strong woman. But I am so angry that you were denied closure by your daughter. Everything your mentioned was so, and is still very important to you. What you requested was by no means unreasonable.
It was out of a mothers love to have her last words read at the memorial, to timely receive the dvd, to get the pictures, the flower, the necklace and any other personal items you desired.
Plenty of time has passed and this should have been all carried out soon after her death so that you could begin to heal.
I feel so sorry for you. What's wrong with your daughter? How can she dare deny her mother in such a hurtful manner.
If you were my mother I would have found a way to get everything to you as soon after as possible. Leaving your words out of her eulogy.
Anna said its forgivable but not forgetable. Sorry, but
I could not and would not forgive this. I have a 23 yr old daughter and an 18 yr old son. We are as you said extremely close. If either of them betrayed their mother who would be all they had left, that would be it. I would be done with them. I would console myself with the love of my other children who have passed on. I am by nature very kind to everyone, but cross my path and you will be abolished. God Bless and Stay Strong for yourself. You come first your other 2 angels in heaven wil guide and protect you. Sable
First of all I want you to know this: Death in a family tends to bring out the "stupid" in some people. You have no control over your youngest's actions. Also, she may never understand why you have been affected the way you have been by this tragedy. I know you are hurting, that's natural. You have found a great source of comfort in God and your friends here; do not be afraid/embarrased to lean on either one. As a healthcare professional, you know that grief is the most difficult wound to heal; if you never get over it, guess what? THAT'S OKAY! You can only deal with things the best way you can and then only one day at a time. Please stop looking for excuses for feeling like you do because it is okay for you to have your feelings-if you didn't then you'd be a robot instead of a human. When you feel well, you go out of your way to help others feel that way; whenever you feel down, please let others of us do the same for you. That's the beauty of friendship: Helping others when they need it, however they need it AND knowing that they will do the same for you whenever you need them to. I'm glad you're here and look forward to many more talks. Your friend, Psyched.
I lost my brother in 06 from a drug over dose. It truely doesnt matter how the loss it is just the loss that hurts so much. Now on the other hand you have your other daughter not acting like her self either. Have you tried calling a close friend of her's? To see if maybe she might be dealing with something mentally herself? With all of this loss depression comes to mind. Her acting out against you is one of the few things that she can control and sometimes no matter how crappy we are acting we dont care as long as we are in control. I am so sorry with all that you are going through. Your family and you are in my prayers. You will get to the bottom of this all mothers do that is how we work. Pray and listen to your heart. Lots of hugs
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