For most of my life depression, anxiety, OCD and agrophobia have figured concealed under a veil of evident alcoholism and therefore the primary condition until I stopped drinking. I remember once in my 20s asking a doctor in the treatment center I was in, could I also have depression. She was adamant that I was not depressed just simply alcoholic.
I remember after leaving this facility I slept practically 20 hours out of every day (no drugs or alcohol involved) and lost an incredible amount of weight.
There were times in my sobriety that I got so elated and talkative that people thought I was drunk! Once I started on anti-depressants it became more controlled although rapid mood swings remained but less pronouced and my now ex husband found them incredibly stressful. I put them down to the stress of living with him - slight joke - and bringing up a family or pre menstrual syndrome.
In 2007, I underwent CBT, my mood swings were so bad then that sometimes I felt as if I was out of my body looking at another person I again expressed concern to my therapist about possible BPD but he reassured me I was not. I did not exhibited any extremities of BPD, an example he used of a BPD was stripping down their car engine and then walking away from it into a mire of sheer despair. I agreed this was not me.
For the past six months, taking 60mg citalopram, small doses of xanax I am tracking my moods. For example one moment I could be enjoying a cup of coffee, the early morning, planning my day and in the next few minutes be in tears, very angry and agitated. Its goes on and on like this, of couse I have a few days where I just feel stable. Sedatives take the edge of any anger/stress related events but also makes me even more tired so I try to avoid (also with my addiction history I have to treat with caution).
I have done online BPD screening tests and rated with low possibility BPD1/high possibility BPD2 but I know these online tests are not conclusive.
I am awaiting a psych appointment re my meds (for what seems like forever). However, would like some feedback from you and at my appointment will talk it out with psych. I don't care what I have or don't have I just want to stop feeling like this.
Thank you, with my blessings, Aud
Hi Hopeful
My oh my from your post the similarities we share are just amazing!!!
I too, become withdrawn and isolate, avoid socialising, its rare that I pick up the phone. Phone calls tend to hype me up and afterwards I feel agitated.
Also the feeling of aloneness rather than lonely. I actually enjoy being alone, pottering around, and I just love silence. However, I do feel its such a waste of time when I should be getting out there.
I practice all the things you suggested. I'm very into positive thinking and the law of attraction, attend AA meetings 'sporadically', and when I do contact people its a positive achievement, My concentration is shot to pieces, when in good form I am an avid reader and writer but that has been missing from my life for a time now. No one would think when meeting me that I am a depressive, as I hide it so well, through years of practice. (yes I do believe I was a depressed way back as a child/teen).
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In my last job my boss used to talk about his depressive partner how he had to do everything when he got home and there was I sitting doing a marvellous job for him and he would not believe what a challenge that was for me; the thoughts inside my head etc:)
I am very new agey and I try to use meditation to still my racing mind, use essential oils, crystals etc.. My family have no idea of mental issues either. I keep my mental illness history including my alcoholism very private to the outside world.
I am going to friend you now and yes, please lets pm each other. I have found this site such a joy and freedom as it is a really caring community.
Blessings to you, my twin;) Aud