My brother in law is always sitting alone everyday on the bed even if visitors come he hadly can't greet them his wife give him food in bed no friends are welcomed by him. This is a family of four I think the wife and kids are depressed to cos on the environment they leave in. The wife is an outgoing person with friends but the hubby dislike that he wants her to stay in the house but they are not talking pls help what must be done here
Someone has got to get him to a dr. He is a classic case of depression. This is where I am if I don't take my effexor, and why they'd have to pry it out of my dying hands. His wife may need to find a support group to help her deal with him. You can't live with someone who is depressed and not have it rub off on you. She may need to give him some kind of ultimatum. He probably doesn't have the energy to move out of the bed. If he has a primary doc who knows him, she may be able to get him to the doc easier. I'd be tempted to want to stick antidepressants in his food, lol.
It sounds like they could all benefit from counseling. If your BIL wont go, at least it could be helpful for the wife and kids. If she could talk him into seeing the Dr and getting treatment, things could be so much better for them all and like KM mentioned, she may have to offer an ultimatum like "get help or me and the kids are outta here" This might be enough to jar him out of his funk enough to seek help. His wife can offer to go with him and to be supportive in any way he needs as long as he seeks help. Does he suffer from chronic pain or other chronic health issues? If yes, he may need help in dealing with his health issues as well as depression. It is not uncommon for folks with chronic health issues, like pain, to be depressed too. Was there a precipitating event prior to his depression like a death in his family or loss of a job, anything? Bottom line, he owes it to his wife and children to get help so he can be a proper father and partner.
Get him to the doctor for the sake of the children. I can't cite references, but it has been known that depression starts to rub off on others. If you look at Holocaust survivors, their children had emotional problems similar to their parents. Now the mental health field is dealing with the problems of the grandchildren. The wife and family needs to get help for their selves, get into a support group.
My son is mentally ill-a disabled vet with physical and different mental issues. He was taking 22 types of meds at one time before he had his surgery.
So back to your issue. I'm his mother, he wants to protect me-he wants to be protected by me. So, he doesn't want me to go anywhere. It's also a form of control too, which gives them power. While a person is depressed, it doesn't stop them from feeling fear, anxiety, loss of control,
A few years after I divorced, his wife divorced him, she asked me to move in and care for him. So, when a boyfriend came over, he threatened to beat them up if they made me cry. Well, that let me know if they liked me or not by how fast they ran to their cars. I had a serious talk with him. He calls me when I'm at the shooting range-I can't hear the phone at all-not with 20 other guns going off and wearing heavy duty ear protection. I do call him when I'm ready to leave the range.
Also having people in the house agitates him, it disrupts his world. He wants to control his world by silence. I have to admit that I vacuumed after he went to bed, because he sat shaking and staring at me with owl eyes and white, sweating skin, while the vacuum cleaner goes to him. It reminds me of my brother that froze in the middle of the street and screamed that he was going to be run over by a steam roller that went about a foot an hour. I swear this was in Redondo Beach, CA.
He is surviving me building soffits above the kitchen wall cabinets. Every tool known to man has been setting in the kitchen-levels, sanders, drills, ratchet screw drivers, 4 types of hammers, primer, brushes, 5 grades of sandpaper, steel wool, spackle, wood filler, rasps, squares, plumbs, paint cans, tape, saws.
Etc. It's doing quite well. He is going to more VA support groups. PS. I'm putting the final coat of paint on tomorrow and buffing it.
She has to think of her children- if she doesn't take care of herself, she won't be able to care for the children. Ask her if she wants to be 50 years old and her depressed children and husband all sitting on the bed like depressed roosting chickens?
Best of luck and my prayers. A person gets scared to upset a mentally ill person, but it has to be done. Is there any way that she can give him an ultimatum--go to the doctor, or we'll leave you-and for them to leave 2 or 3 days? I feel so much for your family. It's so hard to watch your loved ones disintegrate like this.
It's hard but you can't sink into the depression.
Qiniselani, Welcome to the site, hon. We're glad you are here. I agree so much with what all the others had to write so far. You definately came to the right place for help. Espcecially what kaismama and DzooBaby, and Meyati had to say. I mean they pretty much summed it up, but I wanted to agree with them about it rubbing off on other people. I let situations upset me so bad, and I just cry and cant smile or laugh for the life of me. My husband and friends in a caring way, tell me I have to get myself together, or I will get eaten up with the torment I put myself through. I read these answers tonight, and your questions and it really brought to light how depression doesn't only effect you, but the people that love you in your lives. I, myself have suffered from deep depression my whole life, and am trying to not let the flare ups of it effect me like it does.
I had a son who came to live with us just a very few months ago, who had been drinking heavily and doing drugs a lot. He has two deformed feet that need surgery done on them one at a time. We took him to three surgeons here where we live, and they didnt perform that difficult of a surgery. Two of them referred us to the same Orthopaedic Surgeon in Downtown Atlantal. We went and had to put several hundred dollars down for the surgery, and scheduled it for the 19th. of this month... which, yes, is today. We have no reason why, well kinda, but he just ups and calls a friend from the state he moved from and had them come get him yesterday. He left at aabout two aclock this morning. My five yr old cried and cried because my other son is flying in and I was going to have all three sons for Christmas. Now, not only is it depressing because he chose to leave before christmas, and blew a major surgery off, but what is he probably going to do? Get right back on drugs. And they almost killed him before he came here. Over half the day, I was just numb. Almost like in a shock state of mind. My little boy would ask me something and I would blandly answer him. He asked my husband several times what was wrong with me, and he just said... mommy's sad because bubby left. That's not all that has been going on in my life lately either. but I remembered a few times in my life where I allowed the weeds of depression to wrap theirselves around me and literally almost choke the very life right out of me. I became an alcoholic. Locked down to reality. I won't go on anymore about me, but I realized tonight... i cant let tht happen to me again. Because each time it gets harder to get out of the depression. It's Christmas time, and I have two other kids and a husband who are relying on mom to be mom for Christmas. Not a depressed Mom who is lost in herself. I have to stop and come to the realization that the depression doesn't only eat at my heart and soul, and whatever else.lol but the other people around me are begging me to snap back into reality. I have to somehow beat my mental disease, and show up for the event at hand. Wow. I hope and pray you can get him some kind of help, or even intervention. I don't know him, or any of you, but there's still hope Qiniselani. What a beautiflul name. I hope you have been encouraged by all the wonderful people here. We are here for you anytime. Go back and re-read what the others suggested for you to do. And me too. Sometimes a person gets so lost in themselves, if you don't intervene, they may never come back to themselves. That has happened to me over traumatic events in my past, and present. Good loving friends and family to smack you out of it has its benifits. lol. This isn't funny. I take it seriously and it bothers my heart. I want to somehow reach out and help this person myself. Please hang in there, and do what you feel in your heart of hearts is the right decision. I wish you, him, and the whole family nothing but peace and happiness, and why not... I'll throw in a little joy if possible too. May you have a blessed holiday and take very good care of each other and love one another. Love is one of the best medicines there is. Your Friend, Ruthie
Hi Qiniselani, I have a different take on this. I suggest that your brother in law see his doctor first, and have a testosterone test done. It is done through a blood test. There is an epidemic of low testosterone in men these days, probably from all the hormones that they are putting in all the meat. We thought that my husband was very depressed, he couldn't get out of bed in the morning to get to work, didn't want to leave the bedroom. He had to be dragged, literally just to get to the doctor. We have a very wise doctor, and he tested his "t" levels, and they were bottomed out!! He put him on some testosterone gel, and within a few weeks, he was back to normal, and fine. Just something to think about. If your brother in law has only started this for the first time, it might be worth a look. Just another opinion.
You are a caring sister/sister in law!!
Hi Qiniselani, You mentioned that he is a Christian. I think getting his pastor involved would help too. He definaltely needs help. This is not healthy for him or his family as you already know. I am absolutely sure suicide has crossed his mind more than once. He needs medication, which will still take a month or better to work, but more than anything he needs his family, a person like you to help him see that there is life out there. Can his wife not counsel with the pastor? They are trained to help in these situations. He doesn't need to know she talked with him. He could stop by & talk to him while no one else is there. Maybe he can get through to him how his illness is affecting the wife & kids. I've been through this with a member of my family, & it is horrible. Depression can take over ones life. Thank you for seeing this, & trying to do something about it before it is too late. Threatening to leave him is not the answer.
He needs all the support he can get. If his wife & kids were to leave him, they might just find him dead when they come back. It would be enough to send him over the edge. Holidays are notorious for people with depression to be even worse. The member of my family hides away too. It's a very hard situation, & needs a delicate hand. A pastor may be just the ticket to his freedom. They are trained in all kinds of counseling. Maybe he can talk to him, & get him to agree to see a psychiatrist. That's what he needs more than anything else right now, & lots of love & support. I commend you for trying to help this poor soul & his family. Am also hoping that the Holidays treat you well, & that your brother in law is safe, & gets help. One thing I hate to mention, but are there any guns in the home? If so, please talk to your sister(?) & have them removed immediately for safety's sake. A layman nevers knows how a depressed person may act, & this is just a note worthy thing to be careful. Also, let your brother in law know he is loved no matter what. Act normal around him. Do not coddle him, but treat him as a normal person. Sometimes this helps snap them back to reality. He is just sick like may people are & needs medication to help him along. Again, best wishes for a Happy Holiday to you & yours...
Qinselani, I just love that name. I just wanted to right again, and mention something. I hope noone else has mentioned this yet..if so, I deeply apologize, but I read this again, and the kids are just heavy on my heart. Are you, or is there anyone in the family that can brighten their Christmas up a little bit. They sure are going through a lot. I don't know how old they are, but are they getting any kind of presents... anything to bring a little joy to them. I know I'm answering this question twice, but they were so heavy on my heart. I sure hate for them to see their dad like this. I have a friend back home, who went through this. Family of four. Bless her heart, she had a very important and stressful job, that required her to be on top of things. She is a Rn. I cannot tell you how many times she asked me... what do I do, what can I do, but he was unwilling to try anything. It was like she literally was the mom and dad.
But I will certainly say a prayer for this family, and for the children. How kind of you to think of someone else and write in about them. That shows what kind of person you are sweetie. Merry Christmas to you, and shoot me a PQ soon. Love, Ruthie
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