I know I have been absent for a while, but there are several reasons. I have been dealing with severe depression while fighting for my life with my job. Ever since I returned to work, there has been a bullseye on my back. My employer feels that they paid me for 6 months of work and got nothing for it. Therefore, I should be perfectly up to speed the moment I returned. I struggled and suffered terribly to give them what they wanted. In turn, my nerves are on edge every single night when I go in. They've gotten so bad, that I've been carried out of work by ambulance 4 times in this month alone. The last one being last night. They have written me up to Human Resources, but I countered with a 3 page letter. The employees I work with are making things even worse. I am, by far, not a prejudiced person. However, I am the only white female in the department. And they do not hesitate to make me aware of that. I am shunned, and alienated every night. But I am accused of not being a team player. This, in turn, tears my nerves apart. The stress is enormous, and in turn it causes my stomach to go haywire, and causes unbearable pain to the point I cannot function. I become ill just thinking about having to go into work each night. I just came from my surgeon who said there is little she can do right now because my stress level is so bad, adjusting my pacemaker would not do any good. The stress is so bad, I break down in tears every day, or shake so badly, I cant control my hands. My surgeon advised me to find a way to deal with my stress by finding a way to talk about my problems, so I am turning to my DC family for help. You have no idea the nightmares I have suffered, and the pressure I am dealing with. I feel like Im on the losing edge of the battle, and dont know what else I can do. I cant afford a counselor, even with insurance, the cost is still too much for me, as I lose $$$ every time I end up at the ER. I lose all my hours, and I've already received 2 infractions. 2 more, and they win. Im out the door. Im shaking now, even typing this. I dont really know what else I can tell you, except that again I feel like Im on the losing edge of a sword, and its getting closer and closer. You all have been so kind before, and I hope someone can help me this time. Thank you for listening to my pitiful story, and letting me sound off.
In search of peace somehow,
Teresa (aka Tee)