Hello Everyone,

Please forgive any errors in writing or organization I am just getting all of this out as painlessly as possible for now but am endeavoring to not have the all around fear when discussing this , especially since I am asking for help , sorry for that and Thank You All for the Life Saving work that you do

I have been on this site alot but am posting for the first time and it is with great shame that I do so. I feel that I have failed myself and am incredibly weak as I see that most people do not have issues like the one that I truly need help with. I am in no way saying that others who are fighting addiction are "weak" or "have failed" and I hope no other addict reads it that way this is only how I feel about myself. I would never make that judgement about others and if I did it would not be accurate but I know the details of my case and am only judging myself for fighting and losing and even worse not fighting at all for a long time. But I am ready to start fighting again , I feel that I am sincere and could use the advice and wise words of the many wonderful and powerful people of this message board , I thank you for even reading this post it speaks volumes about your altruism.

I want to include as many details as possible though they may or may not be relevant. I was prescribed Xanax about two years ago when I was 26 for "Panic Disorder" as I truly do operate at a very high level of anxiety. However let me be clear in saying that I did not seek out other options and did not do the work of which I had many options from simply just walking everyday to going to therapy and dealing with the underlying problems. I also exaggerated symptoms which did not really need exaggeration I am just pointing out that I was attempting to be manipulative and suceeded in introducing complication and pain into my life. I had tried xanax and wanted it to be prescribed to me and actively sought it out , it helped in the same way that sweeping dust under the rug would.

So now two years after I buy it on the street and have been for quite a while. I am very afraid of the withdrawal and though I have attempted to eliminate this from my life , even just the pure fear of the initial withdrawal stopped me after just two days of not feeling good --I am truly terrified of life without it , I do not think I can function and my particular financial circumstance means that I have to be functional though I do understand that quiting and working on my underlying issues is the most important thing in my life.

I now take atleast 2mg (one "stick") per day that is the minimum sometimes when it gets late in the day and I don't have "my fix" I start to get nervous. As I write this it seems like this is someone elses life I guess I did not understand the situation as well as I thought I did.

I am sincere, maybe I should say that I think I am or want to be sincere as if I was I would probably just stop but it does not feel that easy. I would truly appreciate any advice or any practical plan that anyone may have for how I may quit. I know that opiate users can use things like methadone to help but unfortunately that sort of option is not available. If someone could help me formulate a practical and realistic plan to quit I would be eternally grateful. I know that I have to face up to alot of physical and mental pain from withdrawal which I have heard can last months, as I mentioned I am truly terrified of this.

Please help me with this. I will do the work and take the steps to get better ,I really want to get through the addiction to where I no longer feel the immediate and very physical effects of withdrawal . I realize that this will be only the beginning of my fight but also that if I am helped with the first steps that I will get over the fear and can start to make the positive steps in my life and create a stable , peaceful life in which I myself can help other people which I cannot do now

Please let me know if I need to clarify anything as I have just written this as one would take cough syrup , trying to get through it and do not know if I have explained myself in a sensible way. I will work on facing this part of it (admission) with more courage as well. Please understand and allow me to just say that narcanon is not exactly an easy option in my case though I will go there as a last resort, it would likely have very , very dramatic results

Once again I want to Thank You for just reading this and hope that you have done so without judgement in your heart. Once I get on the otherside of this I will be able to give more of myself to others but one cannot really save people from drowning if one is in a leaking boat. Any input would truly be appreciated and even if none comes I am very grateful for all that many of you have done for other people on this board.