I have been diagnosed with major clinical depression with drug resistance. I have tried SSRI's, ECT& now the older drugs both alone and combined. I do go to therapy and my family is every supportive. I had minor depression that was well controlled by Zoloft for about 5 years until I was put on Cymbalta which gave me a high for about 3 weeks then bottomed out to suicidal thoughts very quickly one night. My brain was like a different entity trying to convince me I had never loved nor been loved by my wife, and we have been happily married for 24 years now. As I made my way to kill myself I passed a picture on the wall of my wife and me snuggling while expecting our first baby and the look on MY face showed nothing but complete adoration and love. Thankfully I stopped at that moment knowing something was wrong with my thinking and went outside and waited for my wife to return home. The next day I began counseling and seeing a psychiatrist for medications instead of family doctor. Since then I have been on numerous combinations new, old, together, and singular and even ECT! The only time I felt like me again was when I was on a combo of desipermine and Luvox but then I asked my doctor to lower the dosage of one while increasing the other due to side effects but he got confused and lowered both and my month of feeling like my old self was gone. The side effects of the Desipermine worsened to effect my health so my doctor immediately switched me to Protriptyline at the beginning of last week. Earlier this week I returned to old behavior of losing my temper and hit a piece of furniture in anger (had been 6 years since doing that and even then rare) and then today I actually grabbed a bottle of medication while my wife was trying to say she was tired of people saying to HER "it's okay, you're sick." she asked me to just admit I get fed up with her illness and that it is a large part of my problem. I grabbed the medication and went into the bathroom ready to end it all. Thankfully my wife saw me and followed me, stopping me from making a horrible mistake. I cried and cried as she held me as I told her I was just weak and should've handle things that are now weighing heavy on us, ie: having two houses at once in order to have daughter in school that best benefits her, financial strains that cause & her chronic illness. I feel I should be able to come home from work and do everything else as well, many men do it. She believes no one could carry on with my high pressure job and admittedly long hours then go and work on a house that needs repairs to be placed on market. (I am also not good at repair work.) This week has been very difficult because of teenage son's attitude was disrespectful to my wife, which is unusual but I can usually handle it. Physical sensations have been the feeling of my arms being held down to side and tonight my ejaculation was practically non existent, though began normal and felt nice. I cannot imagine 1 med causing so much trouble in 1 week but it's either that or I'm worse than I've ever been! My wife, who is chronically ill and reads doctors well, doesn't "feel confident" in this doctor as he doesn't ever seem to review my chart ahead of time and must be reminded of medications I have already tried, all in 15 minutes. I believe, at this point, and under my therapist care I should titrate off my meds. I believe they now cause more problems than they are helping. My wife has found some relief with her auto immune disease using integrative care and has spoken to a wellness center here that is highly thought of and believes if I do come off meds I must use acupuncture or something else to help balance the chemicals in my brain. Is there a probability that the Cymbalta caused a problem but now after all the years of treatment my body is trying to recover but I just keep putting more medications in it and the chemicals are "off" from that? Has anyone ever tried going off meds, while still feeling depressed? I truly feel the medications are harming me more than helping. I would not give up therapy until I felt my wife and therapist agreed I was ready. It's not that I feel like I don't need help, just feel like the medications & ECT are not the answer after 6 years of trying. I don't want to spiral any further downward as my family loves me and I them but I'm beginning to believe that what's wrong with me is the medications and not the chemical imbalance. Any suggestions or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I do NoT want to make matters worse!
Male, 42 yrs old, slight hypertension, no other significant medical problems.