My Signifigant other drinks everyday and very heavily and i am a recovering Alcoholic. And i do'nt know what to do. She will not seek help.
Hi, as a recovering alcoholic myself, i know that the situation you are in right now is very dangerous for you. I would hate for you to slip back to old 'habits'. You really need to think hard about whether or not you can stay with this person if they continue to live their life this way? I can imagine how very hard it must be to try to make this decision, but you need to protect your recovery. Maybe some time apart would be good for both of you. Is it possible for you or your partner to live elsewhere temporarily so you can both take some time to realise your top priorities in life? Another option is couples counselling, if you think that could help? Do you discuss the situation you are in with your partner, will she talk with you about her drinking? I see you say that she won't seek help, but does she know how much she is hurting you? I'm here if you want to talk?
Hi Krazykoyukon, and welcome. So sorry to hear how difficult life has been for you lately!! Congratulations on your sobriety also!! That is a wonderful accomplishment, adn you should be proud of yourself!! I believe that in AA they teach you a very important point, and that is "you can't change anyone but yourself". Only your significant other can change anything, no matter what you say or do. So the ball is in your court. Is it recommended that you continue living with alcohol around the house? What is recommended about keeping friends who are alcoholics? I think that you know the answers, as hard as that is for you to act upon, you need to separate yourself from the situation until she understands. So difficult. But, hopefully, she will see what she is doing to herself, if you leave, and decide that you are more important than the alcohol.
Best wishes to you. You have a difficult choice to make.
My father was an alcoholic his entire life. Even with congestive heart failure he still drank. He died after a night of binging. His abuse was dreadful, not only for my mother but the kids. My mother never left, though she told me she would even when I was a very small child. She drank with him. She died from alcohol related cancer. I raised my brother and sister. He ran off with a woman who was four years older than me and left her in incredible debt. She lost everything. Still she drank.
Here is the truth of it. If there are any children involved it is your duty to leave and protect them. That is the job of a parent. Anything short of that is enabling the drunk. If there are no children, your life will continue to spin into deep depression. Life is meant to be fulfilling. We are here to help others. We can change no one. Therefore, all the pleading in the world will not change the user. They must find their own reason for change. Accept that many do not. Happiness is where you find it. This is not happy. It is little more than waiting for the repetition of abuse. Draining of money to pay for all the problems, drinking, senseless purchases. You know this well. Please do not give up on yourself.
Go. Seek help with a therapist, minister, an expert. Find your self worth again. I am very sorry you must deal with this. Take some time and step away. Children and all, if you have some. Abuse is abuse. It is not yours to receive. There are people here who listen and will help you. You are not alone. Your spouse will find her own way. Wishing you strength and the wisdom to find a solution. 12 steps is what it takes. Karen
Hi there krazy. How are you feeling today? It's strange that you should ask this question. My son, has a drinking problem. He's 37, never been married, and now met the girl of his dreams. This question enlightened me because now I look at both of them. Not just one. Why would she want to be with a guy who drinks a fifth of whiskey sometimes, Or a bottle or more of wine, Or a ton of beer? How can he expect to have a meaningful relationship when he knows she's going to figure out sooner or later that he drinks too much because he has social anxiety? Why would she stay in the relationship? Does she have a hidden secret also? As a mother I've been thinking about what your going through. Their feeding each others needs in some way, maybe.
I do know that it may be possible for my son to lose the very angel he's been waiting for, unless he decides to clean up? It doesn't seem like a relationship that's healthy. I don't know. The one experience I had living with an alcoholic was repulsive. I would never have had a relationship with him anyway because I knew he had ptsd and I wasn't strong enough to deal with it, but he called me to take care of him because he was really sick.. I found him on the floor with his face lying in vomit. That was the end of it. I've lost, because I'm bipolar. If I didn't lose these two relationships, I wouldn't have learned that I'm very mentally ill. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are now thinking about your question. AA meetings teach us to give up people, places and things because it's too difficult to resist the temptation of using. What do ya think? It's food for thought on my part. Get back to me and let me know how this is goin. Respect yourself enough to do what's right for yourself. Honor yourself with a way of escape.Enjoy your day, Anna
I am hearing you are in a lot of emotional pain and very conflicted. I know how tough emotions are in recovery as I have been a member of AA for over 10 years. It was my emotional pain that brought me into the rooms as I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I remember my first relationship in recovery. I was just 1 year sober. It almost brought me back to a drink and it was only God's grace that saved me by my taking the suggestions that were given to me during the first year. I started reaching out and asking for help, which is what you are doing so good for you. The first word in the first step is "we" as we cannot do it alone. The second word is "were" because as long as alcohol is not in our system we have power over it. Once alcohol is in our system all bets are off. I remember going to an old-timer and saying "I just don't know what to do... " and he said "yes you do... your gut knows the answer." I did not like that response because I was wanting to be told.
Once my brain cleared from the alcohol and I started focusing on taking care of me and my issues I realized I had many, that the drink was but a symptom of the disease. I have done ACOA, Codependents Anonymous and Al-Anon. I strongly suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings. "They will get us drunk quicker than we will get them sober." Al-Anon saved me in my relationships with both my adult children (27 year old daughter & 28 year old son). The more sober I got (from doing the step work) the less I enjoyed chaos. Because chaos was what was familiar to me it was all I knew. I was now learning a new way of life and freedom. This is all very difficult stuff but as another old-timer says: "I have never experienced a negative effect by taking the suggestions in the Big Book."
The other suggestion I have is to go online and download some Al-Anon speakers. There are several websites that are free. I honestly am not sure if I can post them or not so I am not going to. This has all helped me tremendously because I identified the craziness and did not feel alone. I hope this helps as only you can make the decisions you need to make.
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