I had a short but terrible relapse back to hydrocodone after 26 days of being sober. It sounds crazy but this relapse was actually a good thing for my treatment because it totally shattered by dreamworld of ever "feeling good" from hydrocodone ever again! It was a terrible week, worst than the addiction, withdrawals combined. Every improvement that I gained from being off the drug was lost. I had horrible anxiety, my moods were all over the place, cravings went through the roof, and the "high" was nothing but a sick feeling and full of a unspeakable guilt.I now know exactly why pain meds used to make me feel so good. It was because I was naive, didn't think I was doing anything wrong. Guys and Gals, when you are addicted to something than don't expect any good feelings from that activity again. The milk of that high your remember is spoiled by guilty and shameful thoughts. Once you know the truth the days of ignorant bliss is over. In this we find the true and only "cure" for addiction, self awareness.
Having gone through this relapse I feel closer to ending the addiction's pathetic hold than ever before. This is the first time I actually hate hydrocodne and have no real desire to take it again because I know that they cannot make me happy. I swear it is the same thing that happens when someone stops drinking soda after stopping for weeks. It just taste nasty. I am still having craving issues and, thank god, the VA has a suboxone doc to help me through the worst of this. I took my first 2 mg pill today and it made me very high so I am going to split the pills up and just take 1mg (I don't want to be high anymore, that world is fake). Here is the basic point for all of us suffering from addiction. Please know that you will never find happiness from the drug again, once you say to yourself and others I am addicted to "X" than war is won!!! Yes, there will still be fights to address cravings, relapses, withdrawals but the war is won, in the end you will kick the habit if only because the drug can't give you what you want anymore!!! I wish this will bring hope to some of your that are struggling with addiction out there. If you have honestly admitted that you have an addiction then your brain WILL stop your addiction. It will make sure that the highs will only bring guilt and shame. The mind will make the previously enjoyable activity harmful. So no matter where you are at and what stage you are preparing for (withdrawal, long term recovery, ect) you have already beat the darn thing and it is only a matter of time before all of this is a distant memory in your past. Fight the symptoms, go to rehab, if you fall off just get back on, the major thing that you have got to do is simply admit to having the problem. One that day you are not a addict anymore, your are in recovery and cannot lose, the physical side of your brain won't let you :). God Bless Everyone on this Site. - Corey