... and got deep into heroin, patches, octane and some deep stuff. He has detoxed from that, but vicodin is his drug of choice but he went off on the deep end. He is now seeing a therapist that he has been seeing for many years, he goes to na. But I know he has relapsed and has been taking vicodin. I know when I look at him he is high on pills, I have even found them in his car. I have. Brought it to his attention, he always denies he is using and turns into a big argument. I never tell him I have found the pills, but he knows when I know. We are very connected. Even if I didn't find the pills I would still know. Whenever I bring it up to him if he is using, he lies and puts everything off on me and makes me feel like I did something wrong. If I tell him I found it in his hiding spot, then that too will be an argument. That is why I never tell him I found the pills in bis hiding spot in his truck. Do you think I should? But then it will look like I was snooping then that would be an argument. So he just says I am acting off of an assumption. But like I said he k.owe when I know. He always says, if I was using why would I be going to my therapist and going to my na meetings? I know he goes to the meetings high, but he will not take pills when he sees his therapist because he is not stupid. So how do I handle this? I hate the arguments but I can't just turn. My back and let him lie to me and allow him to self destruct. I just want him to be honest with me, I am willing to be there for him and he knows this but he still lies to me and blows up on me. How do I handle this, please help. How can I approach him? I have been going to al anon meetings for myself but I just need some guidance
Hi hurtwife, & welcome to the group. I know you are going thru a lot right now, but it's always been my understanding that most addicts have to hit rock bottom before they will admit they even have a problem. I understand what you are saying and all, but maybe it would be best to get the pills out of the hiding place since you know where it is, & the next time it comes up just reach out with them in your hand & say"oh? So what are these then"? You know him well enough to gage his reaction, & please don't put yourself in any danger. Please don't do that, but with the evidence right in front of him how could he lie his way out? The only other thing I can suggest is you make a call to his therapist & relay your entire feelings. Another possibility is that could he be selling them & not taking them? You say you can tell when he is taking them, but if there is a chance it's the other be very careful of how you approach this.
The reason I keep giving you all the warnings is how you state that he blows up! I don't want you to get physically hurt over this. I really think the best thing would be to talk to his therapist, & get his input or at least he will know & have ways to get this out back into the open. I understand it's his therapist, but you would only be giving him information he really needs to better treat his patient. I don't think he would have a problem talking to you since you are the wife. I wish you the best my dear. Please feel free at any time to ask any questions you have, & I'm sure there will be plenty of people here to help support you...
Welcome to the site. Mary has given you some sound advice. The only thing I can add is for you to talk to his NA sponsor. If he doesn't have one yet, then I really recommend he get one. Working the steps of the program and having a sponsor are critical to success. It is much more difficult to lie to a sponsor; someone who has been there, done that, so to speak. I also recommend you have a sponsor. It will give you someone to speak to when most need it and she can help you work the steps as well. If you haven't already, chosing a sponsor, someone who practices a good program and you feel comfortable with, is extremely important to getting through these difficult times.
Hi Hurtwife and i am sorry for your hurt and what your going threw but i beleve you should just call the way you see & feel it, why beat around the bush? You seem like a smart woman and it sounds like you know the TRUTH and your guy is telling you what you allready know.. you have found his pills and if anybody knows your husband its you so if hes high your deff going to know it.. I have been on pain pills for about 6yrs but only my pain pills that my doc has prescribed for pain.. if he really truly needs the pills for pain thats one thing but if hes useing pills and other drugs, it sounds like he just may want to get high but i am not hear to judge you or your husband.. You need to sit him down and calmly talk about this and deal with this with kid gloves and be supportive and plz do not attack him or of corse it will turn into a hugh fight and call him out when he lies hun, dont let him lie to you anymore.
i know how these devil pills can effect lifes and yes i said lifes meaning you and your family as well as your husband.. You need to give him a choice, hes a grown man and if he really truly loves you then he will understand and let him know that this is why you are calling him out on his lies.. Im sorry but you need to give a choice, its me or the pills, plain & simple!!! I lost the love of my life due to these ugly pain pills but she never gave me the chance to exsplain why i used, she just packed up and left and that was the day my world changed and i HATE these pills but i am in real pain from falling off a 3 story building and breaking my back and every other bone in my body but my ex was just not a very warm caring person and only thought of me as a drug addict which was not the case, i have never used ileagle drugs in my life, only what my doc had given to me but my ex said that i was weak and a drug addict and didnt care or give a SH*T about the pain, she would say just deal with it, very cold girl but i did love her.. I guess what im saying is, i wish and prayed to god that she would have sit my ass down and help & support me in this matter and i would have much rather had given up the pain meds then lose her, even that she was a cold kind of person i still loved her very much. the problem is she was very nieve when it came to pills or pain meds if i was out buying street drugs then i would not have blamed her for leaving.. It hurt for a while that someone i loved so much would just pack up and leave 6 months before we were to marry but whats done is done and i cant change the past only the future. So HURTWIFE what i am saying is it sounds like you care or you would not be asking for help, so i would sit him down and make him choose its me or the pills! Stop the lies and tell me the truth or i am out of your life.. I dont mean to be so harsh but it sounds like hes been given great help and support and its something i wish i would have been given.. You sound like a good wife who cares and this is why i would sit him down and demand for him to come clean.. I dont know your husband and if hes the type that would get so mad and hurt you, then you would want to take a much diff approach but you need to get this out in the open and stop the lies.. I mean pain pills for real pain is one thing but the other hard drugs is another.. I hope this helped or made some kind of sense... God Bless and good luck and plz keep me posted.. I'll pray for you my friend.. Mickey from chicago..
Hi hurtwife! Welcome to Drugs.com! I'm so very sorry that you're here because of dire circumstances. :(
I'm also sorry to disagree with Mary. You don't need to confront him with the actual pills. Your husband himself is also the evidence. I personally feel that if you scoop his stash that he might feel as if he can't trust you now from snooping. He'll just get a new hiding spot & one that's better at hiding his drugs.
I do agree with Mary & Laurie about contacting his NA sponsor. Please try to obtain sponsorship for yourself as well, hurtwife. You're starting out on a hard journey & will need lots of good support & guidance. May God give you strength.
Call your husband's therapist about his relapse please. I never did understand why therapy can be so solitary when many people live in communal situations. Presently, I'm unsure how honest your hubby can even be with you.
I personally don't think that he can be overly honest yet. It's a waste of energy to argue or discuss pills with him right now. Your words may be falling on ears deafened with drugs & denial. This might be a period of less speaking but more watching for you. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet but he's on the precipice.
Try to remember that he already did detox off heroin & other drugs. This took much strength & determination on both of your parts. Hopefully, God willing, this will be the last major hurdle for you both in this race against drugs.
I wish you all the best, hurtwife! I'll pray to the Blessed Virgin to show her mercy to you. Please take good care. One day, hopefully sooner than later, you'll be able to change your name to happywife. :)
from Wendy :)
Hi hurt wife... I wrote this yesterday and my iPad's battery died and I lost it so here it is again...
I have read the many wonderful and caring responses here and I have pondered on what to add. I know that you think your husband has hit rock bottom but I agree with Liver Lips that he may be near but is not there yet.
If he was there he would be humble and remorseful and wanting help. As you say he is still very much in denial. I do not think at this point that I would talk to his therapist behind his back. Since you have stated that your husband is not physically abusive and does not respond to your inquires in that fashion I tend to agree with Mik from Chicago that you should approach him about knowing about his "stash." Many addicts get sloppy when they are close to being found out. I think subconsciously they want to he found out... idk...
your husband may be relieved when you finally tell me that you know where he hides his stash. He has even challenged you to produce evidence of your accusations. He may act mad and upset... idk. As Mik said... you know your husband better than anyone. You must approach him for yours and your children's sakes. Especially for your children. They should not be around this. They should not hear the two of you arguing about this. It is not a good situation for them. I would give your husband an ultimatum... he can choose the drugs or you and your kids. You must approach him in a calm and assertive manner without letting yourself get agitated at all. Being calm is rhe most powerful defense you can have. Express to him how you would like to help him, how you can see the family and marriage deteriorating over his drug use. When he denies the drug use, you must completely ignore him and continue with what you must say. Give him options as to how he wants to approach getting clean or if not, them getting out or your home. If he still denies at this point I would then tell him that you have no other option but to tell his therapist. You must be strong. You must stay calm and assertive.
I know that you have expressed being so sad over his manipulative threats that he will not be around for Christmas. I am sure you know this but addicts are extremely manipulative. He also know every button to push with you. Again, stay calm and assertive. If he threatens to go... just say "go... we will miss you but if you feel you must go... " believe me... he has nowhere to go... also u must demand and enforce that he is not allowed around your children if high on whatever it is he happens to be on at the time. This is no life for either you or your children.
I am curious about your husband's therapist. Even though you say he does not take anything when he goes to see his therapist it is surprising that the therapist does not pick up on something in your husband's mood, behavior, underlying anger, etc that might alert her/him to what is going on... your husband must be a very good actor???
Also, even though you go to alanon, which is a very good group, I believe that you also should start seeing a separate or the same... (idk) therapist on your own. You need professional help in dealing with your addicted husband.
Hopefully by any and all of this of which I have just wrote, something will help to spur you into positive assertive action to set the boundaries of your household re your addicted husband. I cannot stress enough how damaging this is for your children to see and be around.
If your husband is receptive at all, acknowledge his pain that he has for which he has to always self medicate. Underneath all addict's core is some type of emotional pain.
I will pray for your courage and strength to proceed with what you have to do for you and your children to not be exposed to this toxic situation.
Please feel free to come here anytime that you need for support and encouragement but, please, get yourself a professional therapist who specializes in addictions to help you through this so you can then be more help for you and for your children.
I will most assuredly remember you in my prayers... pup
I am so very sorry... having a loved one lie is painful but so is seeing them in pain. I agree, take those pills. He will be furious and you will probably have to return them but it will show him you mean business. I can tell you love him and you care so you need to sign him into an inpatient treatment center. He will be angry but when he completes it he will love you for your dedication. You, as his wife, can sign him in. I have been through this and I hated the person who sent me there. When I completed the program, I was so grateful and felt a weight lifted off me. We, as addicts, think we like our pills and need them but in our heart of hearts we wish we could throw them out for good. Good luck and keep us posted.
Well, everyone has said it all. But, what pup wrote about staying calm, NO MATTER WHAT, is crucial! Do NOT buy into the drama, the lying, the defending, the projecting his guilt onto you, the blaming, the manipulating... because he will do ALL of those things. The best you can do is agree with him, that things are tough, he may have pain, he may have tried, etc. Tell him you "hear what he's saying", and answer his "why would I be doing these things if I was using?" with, "well, I'm not sure of alot of things, but its affecting the family" (very calmly). Cannot emphasize that enough. Its very disarming. He will have no one to fight with, and he knows you're right. It may take a few days, weeks, even months away from him, but this is no life for you or the children. And, kids do what we do, not what we say. Good luck, God Bless. :)
Just take it slow, no fast approach. You might go to fast and he will start hiding everything and that's bad. Pray first before you approach him
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