... able to quit. i am weening off. i tried to quit cold turkey but the w/d were way too much. i got a few more and am taking one every other day.

ok i sat and wrote this out..maybe you all know where i am coming from... all i know is i cant go on like this. i need to stop using but the withdrawals are hell... here is what i wrote.

i dont know where to start. i need help. i am addicted to pain medicine. i am trying to ween off. i am trying really hard but getting sick over and over is really pulling me into a void. i need help. i called a place that does suboxone but they want my ss#. i hung up. i will have to do it via willpower. i am sick as a dog this week. it started fri night. i took too many pills. i got mad. wanted energy. thought i could get it from them. but they let me down again. why do i keep taking them if they keep letting me down? i woke up aT 3am a week ago. friday night/sat am threw up and cried. i had runs and hot skin. took hot shower, layed down. took no more pills sat. i saw jen my friend sat. told her i am in trouble. she told me she knew i was using.

she said to call whenever i need her. i told her crying that i feel like its ruining my relationship with my b/f. he doesnt deserve this crap from me. its worse for my famiy to watch me deteriate. i know they love me but i think now hate me. sometimes i hate them because i feel like they abandoned me. but i know this is the pills talking. i cant talk to my sister because she runs to her other half.

i called a therephist and they were not open today friday june 26th. i know i cant do this alone. i called the place for suboxone. i dont want to go there. i dont know if i can do it. i will call monday. i have to do this if this means i can save myself. the pills are evil. this time is the last time i will get them. i am weening off. i dont even get buzzed anymore because i am taking such a low dose to avoid withdrawals. i wish i was stronger. i wish i was better. thank you for reading.

i am a smart woman who has good job and knows better. how does a smart person screw up so bad? why did i even think my depression would go away if i took these pills? thank you for reading.