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Robert Could I please get your help - Seeing Dr. for Sub detox tomorrow
  1. #61
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    I am following that plan and back to it. This may be more me getting in my own head, but I am just questioning so many things right now and feel like a robot just going through the motions. Don't have a clue what I am doing with my life. Nothing really gets me excited and I just feel so lifeless. I can only imagine that this ?????? feeling is going to last for a while. I am seeing an inpatient / outpatient treatment center and am hoping there will be some more answers there. I think I have burnt myself out with work and through using these drugs and need some time to get away from things. Hopefully I can take a medical leave from work while I try to get back on track. If not, I'm just going to keep going through these motions of stress, anxiety, and depression and eventually the next meltdown will be worse than this one. If I feel like this now, I don't wanna think about out it will be once i have tapered off suboxone and dealt with those withdrawls as well.

    Trying to to stay positive. This sucks.

  2. #62
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    BTW i have a pretty decent diet, althrough i am experciencing a loss of appetite sometimes throughout the day. I work out pretty much every day, running a 5:30 mile and lifiting weights. Just another thing that I want to get fixed in my life is my reliance on so many thigns to get me through the day.

    Adderall (occasionaly and take early in morning to avoid sleep issues) if not then caffeine, Ambien to sleep (anxiety and running mind), Wellbutrin (anxiety), now suboxone but before PKs. I'm sure this cocktail of mine really F*ed stuff up and now it is what it is. But I don't want to be needing this ???? to get me through each day but I currently have no choice.

    Has anyone taken medical leave from work and if so how did it go. Did you find the time away helpful in getting to the roots of your problems and a good way to start your recovery. I just can't see myself trying to make any progress if I work as well while I am still having to deal with the stressors that led me down this path. I just don't even feel like a person anymore. Just someone who wakes up goes to work comes home and repeat. No emotions- except depression and emptyness and a >>>> exterior that will BS some smiles every now and then just to try to appear as if everything is ok. I'm tired of doing this.

  3. #63
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    I would like to keep posting to get peoples advice but it seems as if i am a lost cause I have relapsed yet again and fear that I won't be able to break this cycle. I truely don't knwo whay i am like this when I know i need to stop before it ruins my life or kills me. I have now been dabbling back and forth betwen subs and oxy which is terrible. I just feel so lost right now and don't know how to get my life back on the rgiht track. I have only been taking low doses of subs .25 or .5 every other day and Im hopping that it will be out of mysystem for good and then I must have to learn how to handle my addictions. I don't want to deal with any sub w/d and of course dont want to start using oxy and go down that path again either. I have been taking some oxy the past couple days as a way to hopefully cover up any of the sub w.d while I am not taking the suboxone and waiting for it to clear out of my system. I then hope that I can go to rehab and work on learning to fight my addictions and gain skills on how to address coping with this situation.

    HERE is what I am really interested in. When I have been taking these oxys with the suboxone still in my system although i have been rarely taking it and only in small doses, I don't really feel much effect at all from the oxys which means that the subs are doing the job and working. What I am not sure of though is will i still go into oxy withdrawl when I stop even though the oxys never worked when i used them - if that makes sense.

    I want to be off of everything and so while I am waiting for all the suboxone to clear out, I have been taking the oxys - 15 - 30 mg vicodin for the past couple day. And as I said earlier they don't wor but do provide some sort of relief as I feel quite normal and ok. So since the oxy is not attaching properly to the receptors, would this mean that I don't have to worry about going into an oxy withdrawl and just only have to deal with what ever withdrawl effects will come from getting off the suboxone

  4. #64
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    You are NOT a lost cause, you've slipped. You need to drop the oxy and hydrocodone. You are playing with becoming addicted again. It's my understanding that you've only been taking them the past few days? How much sub are you taking and how often? If you are on subs you need to be on a stable dose and taper off of those. Are you going to have some w/d issues? Maybe, but you have to push through. You HAVE TO WANT THIS MORE THAN YOU WANT ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. Quite actually, do you WANT YOUR LIFE BACK? Are you still taking the subs? I really, really, suggest that you re-read the protocol for subs in featured drugs. Then I suggest you get to an NA meeting or find an addiction specialist or any counselor or get yourself into rehab, you don't need to wait until you're clean from either oxy/hydro or subs. Do not make excuses. As addicts, we can justify, defer, whatever it takes to cover our need to use. If you are taking the oxy/hydro by prescription, cancel them. If not, get rid of all contacts. You are not a lost cause. Only afraid of letting go of the security blanket like all of us addicts are. Relapse is common, but you need to fight it. Soooo: How much sub are you taking? How much oxy or hydro? Hang tough: YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

    PS. Reread your own thread.

  5. #65
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    Well my last dose of suboxone was .25 mg on wednesday. This week since saturday I have taken

    Sat- 1mg
    Sun 1mg
    Mon- .5 Mg
    Tues- .5 Mg
    Wed - .25mg
    Thur - 0
    Today -0

    I am thinking of stopping everything and riding it out now. I am on medical leave from work now until october 1st and I am going to a drug addiction hospital on wednesday for my evaluation in which they will either put me in inpatient for a week to detox or they will start me on outpatient therapy if I am drug free. Since I don't have to deal with work and have gotten down to a very low dose of suboxone I think I should just stop now and deal with whatever might happen. I dont want to be on suboxone long term let alone for more than another week. I think it served its purpose in getting me past the oxy withdrawl. I know it is supposed to be used for more than just that, but I don't want to be on subs as everything I have read makes me believe that the longer I'm on it, the more risky and difficult it will be to get off it. Yes I haven't resolved my oxy problem, but I have enough of an incentive to get clean and stop now so that 1.) I don't have to go to inpatient and can start outpatient and 2.) I have a job interview in 2 weeks and therefore getting clean is a must. I need to do treatment to work on my addiction and identify the underlying issues, but if I can get off of all drugs I think that it would be best. I am living at home with my parents who know of my problem and have told them what to look for and have asked that they drug test me every 2 days to help hold me accountable. IF the drug treatment center suggests that I do inpatient detox before starting outpatient rehab then I will comply and go into treatment. I want to fix this problem and get my life back, and I am hoping that I can begin to make strides toward doing so.

    However, besides helping me get off of oxy and opiates initially, suboxone as caused additional emotional issues as well as decreased my energy and any drive significantly. This also could be PAWS but I am not sure how to tell what is what and will look into this more when I go to the treatment center on Wednesday. I am hoping having the next 5 weeks away from work will help alleviate most of the stressors that caused me to want to use but if I can't control this on my own then going into inpatient will have to be my next move.

    The past 4 days I was taking around 25 mg of vicodin however as i mentioned i did not really feel anything until last night when I took around 35 mg which was obviously a bad decision. I am sick and tired of doing this and want to stop and so I am going to try my best to not take anything as of today and see what the drug treatment center suggests when I go for my evaluation on wednesday. They will do a drug test and a physical examination on wednesday to help in their assessment. But I think the suboxone did the first step of helping me get off of oxys from a physical dependance standpoint. I need to STOP taking any more oxy in order to not go back down the same path and I think I have created the best possible situation for this to hopefully happen and if not then into drug rehab I will go.

  6. #66
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Yeah, you need to stop the hydro also and just ride it out. You are not really taking that much, but any amount for an addict is too much: 1 is too many and 1000 are not enough. I wish you all the luck in the world and am glad that your parents are taking an active role in your recovery. There are so many of us on here that did not "get it" for many, many, years. Addiction took a toll on our lives and relationships. You CAN do this. My best to you.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  7. #67
    splitcane is offline Junior Member
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    I have been keeping up with your posts. You seem to be putting quite a bit of pressure on yourself. I am currently tapering off of Subs using Robert's plan. I had an oxy habit of seven years and was taking anywhere from 150-240mg per day..sometimes more. I have an idea of what you are dealing with. In all honesty, your habit was not that bad...I know everyone is different but you were on a pretty low dose of oxy. I agree with the other people who advised against subs. You probably could have jumped off CT and had "the flu" for 2 maybe 3 days. I am not passing judgement, I just think that you are making this harder on yourself that it has to be but I only know what you've posted. You are 24 years old with a family willing to support you. You have your whole life ahead of you. After reading thru your posts, the sub dosing being all over the map, the bouncing back and forth between Subs, Oxy and Hydro....it honestly looks like you are still jonesing for a buzz....in your last post, you talk about having the incentive to give up the oxy and then in the next paragraph you state that you have been taking hydro for the last 4 days....in the same post, I think you state that you went two days with nothing.... At this point, you should ride it out...take nothing..deal with the physical wd's..if you even have any and get to a meeting to help deal with the craving. If you still want to get high, then therapy may not convince you otherwise. You have to want to quit and from reading your posts, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you do..you seem to be selling yourself on the idea of quitting.....but do you really want to? Only you can the answer that question....and answer it honestly. This is just my opinion but taking subs and then messing with oxy & hydro, no matter how you try and justify it, is a clear indicator that you haven't hit bottom. Hopefully you can get it together before you do. I wish you luck..I know it's not easy but you have to keep trying.

  8. #68
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    I may not have hit bottom, but its as if I know what it will be like "if" I do. My dose may have been low, but when your using something every day I think that the effect of being dependent is the same. The withdrawals may be worse but that also is going to be different for each person and they the threshold of what is uncomfortable for one person may be different for another. Do I really want to quit.... NO... do I have to... YES. Thankfully my source - who was a close friend and also used - has moved out to Arizona and I have accepted that as yet another sign this is my time to cash my chips in. I'm sure I could start asking around and put some effort into finding more but I don't want that. Yes the high and elated feeling not to mention incredible energy and drive from being on them is something that I don't want to let go of. However the dependance, monthly battles of not running out and then going int W/D, depression, anxiety, lack of being able to be a real human and have meaningful relationships is something I am sick / exhausted of dealing with. I caught myself early maybe because I was not lying to myself and trying to think other wise that I wasn't an addict and that this was a hobby. But I do know that I don't want to get any deeper and hit "bottom" and see what my life would really be like when I lose everything.

    My analogy is simply this - I feel like a vampire that needs to feed and when I don't well everything sucks.

    I'm off of everything and this is my 2nd / 3rd day and I'm mainly feeling lack of energy, mood is flat / depressed, hot flashes so all in all things aren't that bad compared to a full blown opiate W/D. I am trying to deal with it. The worst part is just the god damn cravings I get. I just feel like my soul has been ripped out and I am just a lifeless body that just feels so uncomfortable all day and has no desire or energy. I know it will get better but in how long - days? weeks? month? I think I may have rode out the acute part as this has now been 3 week mess going through opiate W/D first then getting on subs then f*cking around with those now being off everything. Now it really is dealing with how I'm supposed to get back to living like a normal person and being able to feel things and interact genuinely with others and not have such a craving to want to take drugs. You are probably right that even with therapy if I want to use I will still do it. But I know that I can get over this period somehow but that I CANT do it on my own with my own will power alone. I wish that I could just unplug myself or sleep for weeks and wake up and have this ???? be gone because being up is hell and what I look forward to in a day right now is when I can finally lie down and go to bed.

    I'm also seeing my psychologist tomorrow and will be discussing if an anti-depressant such as cymbalta or lexapro would be appropriate for my depression and anxiety. My roommate and I used to kid around about how we hated feeling just "normal" and that being on any drug whether adderall, oxy, or weed was a good way to avoid that "normal" feeling. Now I pray to god that I can get that normal feeling back and learn to live with out opiates. I've read from so many people here that mention how it will be so hard to ever really enjoy normal things in life as nothing will come close to the way opiates make one feel but I want to keep fighting and try to move on.

    I realize my posts may contradict themselves but I can only attribute this to my mood and the highs and lows I go through everyday on this rollercoaster of hell. I appreciate the support and advice and really am trying to take it to heart. As I've said I just don't know how to handle these cravings without just wanting to rip my hair out or having to sit around like a lifeless zombie.

  9. #69
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Your post is actually very rational. It's exactly like it feels. Don't want to, but have to, want to really FEEL life, tired of trying to buy them, tired of needing them. W/D sucks. Why is this so hard? What will I do without them? All these things go through your mind. However, you're around my son's age, I think. The more clean time you have, the less you'll want to rip out your hair. Really, try NA, it will take months, years for the cravings to go away, they do lessen, but never truly go away: I learned this over 10 years, dude. Yeah, the craving part will lessen, you will slowly get your energy back, that's going to take a few weeks, probably. Look up the Thomas Recipe, some helpful things there and STAY AWAY from the benzos. You don't need them now. You don't need anything. Get off the couch and get some exercise. You can do this: drive the stake right through that little pill's heart!

    Peace,

    Iloerose

    PS: stay off of the cymbalta and lexapro. Read some of THOSE threads first before you go taking anything else. You said it: you and your friend said "I hate to feel normal". Let your body HEAL, let your brain HEAL. Eat good food, exercise. My take is you haven't been clean for an extended period in a long, loooonnnnggg, while.
    Last edited by iloerose; 08-29-2012 at 03:28 PM.

  10. #70
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    I've read from so many people here that mention how it will be so hard to ever really enjoy normal things in life as nothing will come close to the way opiates make one feel but I want to keep fighting and try to move on.


    I don't know where you've heard this, but you haven't heard this here. That simply is NOT true.

    Peace,

    lloerose

  11. #71
    sm0gg is offline New Member
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    Red face

    Quote Originally Posted by Sub_Detox88 View Post
    I realize my posts may contradict themselves but I can only attribute this to my mood and the highs and lows I go through everyday on this rollercoaster of hell. I appreciate the support and advice and really am trying to take it to heart. As I've said I just don't know how to handle these cravings without just wanting to rip my hair out or having to sit around like a lifeless zombie.
    Ok, sounds like you have quit sub cold turkey. not good. I personally would not have recommended getting on subs but if you are on them stay on them & taper slowly once you have stabilized, no need to go through what you're going through. At the same time you don't want to be dosing for a decade or more if you can help it like I did. If you're feeling the led suit & anxiety & depression you're withdrawing too hard. Follow the sub therapy plan to reduce when you feel ready, until then don't be in too much of a hurry, just stabilize & relax. Try to keep your dose as small as possible, but don't make yourself uncomfortable. The other side of the subs treatment Robert doesn't consider is the breathing space it gives you to get some distance on your habit. Don't take this for granted & don't be in a massive hurry.
    Good Luck

  12. #72
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Detox! How are you doing today? Just wanted to get an update on how you are feeling and if there's anything I can help you with. HANG TOUGH! You will get through: This too shall pass, as CA says.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

    Sm0gg: Detox jumped at .25. He's been off so many days already that it's not really worth it at this point to go back on the sub. He needs to be clean so he can test for a job in two weeks.

  13. #73
    sm0gg is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by iloerose View Post
    Hey Detox! How are you doing today? Just wanted to get an update on how you are feeling and if there's anything I can help you with. HANG TOUGH! You will get through: This too shall pass, as CA says.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

    Sm0gg: Detox jumped at .25. He's been off so many days already that it's not really worth it at this point to go back on the sub. He needs to be clean so he can test for a job in two weeks.
    Detox did not taper properly & is effectively jumping off 1mg. you need at least 4 days on the lower dose to allow for the 72 hour half life. & I wouldn't recommend reducing by more than 25% at a time. If you don't take heed & do it properly you suffer.
    Having said that, I wish Detox all the best, if s/he is determined to stay off sub & see this through, I'm here for support.

  14. #74
    sm0gg is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by iloerose View Post
    I've read from so many people here that mention how it will be so hard to ever really enjoy normal things in life as nothing will come close to the way opiates make one feel but I want to keep fighting and try to move on.


    I don't know where you've heard this, but you haven't heard this here. That simply is NOT true.

    Peace,

    lloerose
    I can second this, unfortunately we seem to get some irresponsible posters here, take it from an old junky with way too many years wasted running a drug habit, your life begins when you are clean, anyone who says you will never feel as good as you did when you were high on opiates is full of ????, because most of the time you're a slave to a habit just like smoking cigarettes, it's not a life, it's living hell. For me at least, when I first got on sub 11 years ago, it was like I'd been born again. For the first time in my adult life I wasn't running a habit, it gave me a breathing space & let me do stuff I never would have been able to do otherwise. I'm on 0.5mg of subs a day now & hope to get off in the next month. The thought of being off Subs & completely clean, just the thought of it, fill me with excitement & joy.
    Don't let the naysayers effect you, stick to the plan, we can do this & we will be clean & f*** anyone who says otherwise. We know better.
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  15. #75
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Detox: What's up? In the following post to sm0gg, I don't mean to talk behind your back, just trying to get info straight so we can help you to the best of our abilities. Hang Tough.

    Peace

    Iloerose



    Quote Originally Posted by sm0gg View Post
    Detox did not taper properly & is effectively jumping off 1mg. you need at least 4 days on the lower dose to allow for the 72 hour half life. & I wouldn't recommend reducing by more than 25% at a time. If you don't take heed & do it properly you suffer.
    Having said that, I wish Detox all the best, if s/he is determined to stay off sub & see this through, I'm here for support.

    Sm0gg: I did mis-speak concerning the sub. Read his thread at the top of the page carefully. He/she tried to come off of the subs using hydrocodone. He was all over the map. You are right about the sub w/d and effectively jumping from 1 mg. However, he's been off for a good few days. I wish him the best also. This stuff is so messed up, especially if you start taking your DOC while you're using subs and then using another opiate to come off of subs. You seem experienced, so read the post about using the hydro and coming off the subs. I think he can do this thing, since he has two weeks. It might not be fun, but he needs to stay off of EVERYTHING.
    P.S. Sounds like you've got your stuff wired and following Robert's Taper from featured drugs. Hope all is going well with you.
    Last edited by iloerose; 08-30-2012 at 06:05 PM.

  16. #76
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Everyone,

    It is has been a long time but I've been gone ( in rehab haha ) and have finally started to get my life back in order. I went to a rehab hospital in which I spent 6 days there mainly getting all the suboxone out of my system as I was able to stop the opiates a couple days before and since I was on Subs I think that might have prevented any opiate w/d. Maybe not but either way I survived and am now off of everything. I have been clean for around 2 weeks and feel a little better every couple days while hitting some lows as well. What has really blown my mind is not that I am a drug addict, but that they told me I can never drink again or else I will become an alcoholic or drug addict again. For the time, I am abstaining from everything, but this is still something I cannot wrap my head around - I see how doing one can lead you back to the other or take over as the addiction, but I just wasn't that much of a drinker before drug use either and so the thought that I can't drink a beer at dinner ever again is a little much. But for now I am just trying to get back into any normal routine - sleep has sucked and little energy w/o the help of adderall I wouldn't be able to focus on anything for more than 10 minutes.


    I have seen my psychiatrist and was given trazadone for sleep and also prescribed lexapro 10 mg for anxiety / depression. I know that there is PAWS that can relate to the anxiety and depression, but I have had those issues before drug use and was on effexor for a year before getting off. Not sure if I noticed it anymore once I was in deep with the opiates. I am going to start the lexapro at 5mg for 2 weeks before ramping up to 10 just to see if I can notice the desired effects at a lower dose.


    I will be posting more on my day to days with dealing without drugs. Right now its not necessarily that I bored but I AM BORED in that I don't feel any high of any sort - alcohol, tobacco, any other drugs etc. ... being off of everything is nice, but its just tough dealing with feeling very flat and robotic mood wise and just going through the motions. I hope this will get better over time. I don't have cravings for opiates, I just really just miss having any "good" pleasurable feeling. I do work out hard every day and it helps me feel a little better after but still not much.

    Thanks everyone so much for your advice over this dark time and I hope that I can keep moving forward and not relapse. I am also in an IOP program which is 3 days a weeks and attend NA meetings a couple times a week as well. Those do help but its still juts more how i feel physically and emotionally that stinks.

  17. #77
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    That flat robotic mood will subside in TIME. As addicts, we didn't get here overnight, we don't heal overnight. Stay with your programs, IOP? and NA. Keep working out. Find something fun to do that doesn't involve drugs, etc. that you really enjoy doing. That "good" pleasurable feeling will bit us in the A$$ everytime. Keep Posting. Everyone has been there with the "flat" feeling. I didn't realize it at the time of course, but I got that feeling from the drugs. Days flowed on.... Just no affect or feeling. The reason that NA etc. has you abstain from drinking even though you USED to be able to take it or leave it that it is sooooo easy to trade addictions. Take a walk and really LOOK at every leaf, blade of grass, tree branch. See how much you can notice outside yourself. That is the trick: getting out of your own head. I really believe that.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
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  18. #78
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    IOP is just for intensive outpatient program. Today has been a really tough day. Depression has hit me like no other and for no reason - obviously from being off the drugs. I am just really really sad and would cry if I could - body won't for whatever reason. I am trying to be active running errands, watching tv I enjoy or doing anything that might be fun but I am just lifeless and down. I don't have a desire to use as I know that this will just continue to make things worse, but I really just am slowly going insane in my own head as well. I'm trying my best to just deal with the feelings that have no reason behind them but its very hard. Just feel empty and numb. I chained smoked a few cigarettes because I had no idea what the hell else to do. I am gonna try to take a walk and try to think positive but I don't think that will do much. Each day the thing I look forward to is when I can go back to sleep because I hope that I can wake up the next day and feel just a little bit better but that hasn't been the case so far.

    I wake up trying to be optimistic but as the day continues I just get more and more depressed. I'm repeating myself so I'll stop now but I'm in emotional and mental shambles. I know that I dug myself this whole and need to deal with it the best I can.

  19. #79
    sdonna68 is offline New Member
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    Hi detox. I just want to say congratulations!!!! What you did wasn't easy. It took me years of addiction and at least 13 short stays in hospital's Psyche wards,, before I agreed to go to an inpatient rehabilitate for 14 days. I was 42. Then I went to IOP too and IT DOES GET BETTER. Iloerose is right, and your feelings are normal (unfortunately). Stay Positive, exercise does help. You might not notice immediate effects,and as addicts we want instant results /relief. I felt the way you did when I first got home and probably through the 2nd week of IOP. Each day feeling better. I had 5 months sobriety before I relapsed. By then I felt recovered.. Good physically!!! My relapse was caused by my mental attitude. Just hang tough and read Iloerose, she knows what she's talking about and is coming from a good heart. Don't want to interrupt your thread, just wanted you to know that I'm impressed and inspired by your strength and courage. Keep going keep posting.!! You are stronger than you know.
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  20. #80
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks for the support! You are so right about the desire for instant gratification and quick results. I felt better today but still just found times where bad thoughts / feelings would creep up out of no where. But for the most part I was active today and saw a movie with my dad which felt good. It was when I came back tonight and was home that reality sunk back in again and got me a little down. My mind can be my worst enemy at times. I also saw my therapist today which helped too being able to talk to someone on a much more personal level. I will continue to try to just take it one day at a time.
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  21. #81
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Yes, you are right, your mind is your own worst enemy. Try to stay busy as you can. Keep up the exercise. And yes, you just have to take it one day at a time. You will get there. IT does get better, one day clean is better than any day using. It's just going to take some time. You didn't get here overnight. Our brains and bodies are more resilient than we believe. Just let whatever you are feeling flow over you and through you. You are starting to "feel" again. One day at a time, one minute at a time. Have you looked into NA or a similar organization? Might help to go to meetings where you can get your feelings out with people who will understand what you are going through. Whatever you do: HANG TOUGH! this will pass.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  22. #82
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Sdonna: Please post. Your advice is so wise. I have never been exactly where you have been, and it sounds like you and detox have some similar experiences here. Your advice and input are extremely helpful. And thank you for your kind words. Congratulations to YOU!

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  23. #83
    sdonna68 is offline New Member
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    Hi Sub _Detox88, I hope you pushing through!! Keeping busy? When I relapsed after 5 months it was only 2 days, 4 pills total and I was still seeing an addiction counseler. I was pressured into going back on suboxone. I think I had the tools to figure why I did it and what to do the next time. I wish I had not started subs again. Its been 18 months and I want off. I had started the sub taper, but stopped. Now I have to start day one all over again!! Just wanted to make sure you understood my first post. I have been where you are, just not there now.
    Again post and let us know what's up?! Donna

  24. #84
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey everyone,

    I have gotten very involved in NA and AA. While I know the opiates are what exposed me as an addict, its ultimately the drinking that I'm going to have the biggest problem with handling as I know it will lead me back to opiates or I'll become an alcoholic or pick up some new doc. The opiate use was a little longer than a year but I have drank for almost 8 years. It is really tough to fathom that I cannot drink again and I know I shouldn't view it like that and take it one day at a time, but thats really tough especially since it was a huge part of my life and what I did on the weekends or free time in college. Someone in my outpatient program said something that I at least found true for myself. That alcoholism and addiction have the same results but that using drugs will get you to that dark place much quicker. If it wasn't for my drug use, I probably would never have viewed my drinking as a problem and been in denial for years even though it has always caused the same miserable results of hangovers, depression, disappointment etc. I am both an addict and alcoholic and its tough to realized this still. I had terrible cravings today and luckily fought them off, but it was really f*cking hard. The thought was constantly in my head throughout the day and I think its just my body trying to trick me into "feeling" anything.

    Each day I get up study then go to a meeting at noon and then get back to my place around 2. Between 2-6 I'm at home studying more and it is during this time that my mood will go from a rather happy one ( I really enjoy going to meetings) to getting really emotional, sad, numb, or on edge for no reason. If I wasn't so desensitized I would definitely cry on some of the days. I know I should keep trying to stay busy and do stuff but in these episodes, there really is nothing that I can do that will change my mood.

    I've also now and using the AA and NA programs to apply it to my other vices that I have know to be a problem in my life for years. Porn addiction is huge and definitely contributed to my misery and sadness. I tried quitting so many times, but never could get past a month on my own. But by using the programs, I am going to try my best to apply the same methods and tools into controlling this. Didn't mean to get off topic, but it really just gave me some hope knowing that I can try to cure other addictions I have in my life.

    Thanks ALL

    -Sub
    liz3518 likes this.

  25. #85
    Sub_Detox88 is offline Junior Member
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    Today is a rough day. Feels like one of the first after the acute effects had subsided. Just really not motivated to much of anything and really struggling to be productive at all. I have had some few bright days but its still rough most of the days on the emotional roller coaster. The days are going by much quicker and I wish I had more time to do stuff, but I guess thats a good thing. I feel like I am Bill Murray in the movie groundhogs day. I wake up and its the same day all over again. I'm trying to use my time off from work to study so that I will have that burden lifted when I return which is why my days might be so repetitive, but I am still going nuts trying to chase any "Good" feeling. Obviously nothing is going to provide a high like opiates but I just want something that will make me feel good. This is the drug addict in me who is so used to instant gratification. It is really starting to drive me crazy. I was at the hospital last week cause I googled a bunch of symptoms I had - which were probably related to pain from working out and my lexapro - which anyways caused me to get very mental and panic so I went to the emergency room to get confirmation I was alright. Anyways while there and telling them about my back pain, I was asked if I needed anything for pain. I said no this first time. Then on the way out when the dr. followed up she asked again. I then proceeded to say yes. Very impulsive. She then told me she could give me some vicodin. Maybe she saw the way my eyes lit up like a kid on x-mas or maybe hospitals can see if you've been prescribed suboxone. Well one way or another she did not end up returning to give me any vicodin and I was sent on my way. I am just a freaking head case right now. Going to meetings helps and I try to exercise, but for this past week since I hurt my back, I can still workout with not really much pain if I avoid stuff. However, I have 0 motivation and really and just so unmotivated and lethargic at this time. Maybe its another phase in this process. I want to try to post more about this. If anyone has threads about their PAWS experience I would greatly appreciate it.

  26. #86
    Anonymous Guest

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    as hard as it feels, get out and go for a walk. stop reading the negative press... be good to yourself...

    you have done really well, and deserve a break...

    it will get better mate. it will....

  27. #87
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Detox! Just keep going to the meetings. Don't try to do too much at once, but the walking and doing something to get out of your head will help in the long run. You're doing well and it will get better. Just hang in there. Life is better without opiates. A bad day clean is worth a whole lot more than a good day using. Hang Tough.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  28. #88
    PatrickB is offline Member
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    You sound exactly like I did about the whole alcohol thing. I've been going to AA for 2 yrs 4 months and also have stayed sober that entire time. I was miserably until I worked the 12 steps with a sponsor who had done it. Meetings alone did not help me enough, i felt depressed and lazy.

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