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Here I lay
  1. #1
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    Default Here I lay

    My boyfriend of three years is once again downstairs leaving me and getting. Iolent after I tried to kiss him and have him hold me goodnight. He rarely ever wants to have sex. I am 5'7" at 100 pounds and have misled and was a Paul Mitchell admissions leader a few months ago.

    He acts like I'm so bad when all I want is love. He gave me the methadone. I am writing this on me iPhone as we speak and things have gotten way out of hand. He didn't want me to start the suboxone, but I did. And now he is acting out towards me and my kids.

    I just don't know what to do. I love him and he has helped me a lot through other things, but I just DIE evwrynifnt he leaves me alone!! He leave all night with his phone off as well sometimes. If I did that, he would literally KILL me. Honest to God murder me.

    Please help.
    Ashley

  2. #2
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    If he's being violent against you and your kids let him go! Why would you want him around if he's doing that? Should have his ass kicked!
    Ashleyy likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  3. #3
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    Thanks Robert... When we drink we fight so much more... It just gets bad.

    It has to stop. I wrote that on my iPhone last night in bed after having too many drinks... Sorry there were so many typos!!

    I was being emotional and drunk ... ugh. Not fun.

    Thanks for not being YOU!
    Ashley

  4. #4
    lizzybet29 is offline New Member
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    Wow Ashley.

    I read your other thread asking Robert for help and I can totally relate to where you are coming from. My husband introduced me to oxycodones. One night 30 mg we snorted. Then it spiraled out of control.
    He gets upset with me when Im so bad. (He doesnt suffer withdrawals; I know its bs, but I dont argue with him. I haven't asked him to get clean. Because the person has to want it. Otherwise its no use.
    Will he stop? Who knows, all I know is I WANT TO. I have my life and my childrens to think about. Plus I dont even like the way it makes me feel anymore.

    Maybe he is afraid. Afraid that when you are sober, you will see things clearer, or you will think you are better than him. I myself am worried what my being sober will do for our marriage. Will I look at him and be disgusted by his abuse of medication, and how can i when I am an addict?

    I have spent that last 1.5 years high. Another thing too is our sex life has gone down the hill. After all I think a side effect of this medication is makes a man hard to maintain or get an erection. I know that me being a girl; if I am high Its hard for me to climax or takes a lottt longer. Sorry I do not mean to sound gross. But I have struggled with it too. Am I ugly, is he not attracted to me? No its the PILLS. If I get him in the morning when he has nothing in him its 2 min and done. I think it makes him feel bad. Damned if he does damned if he doesnt sort of thing.

    I honestly think he is struggling with this. Dont let him deter you. I asked my husband yesterday. Weve spent the last year and half high. What if me being sober we dont like each other anymore? He said dont ever say that.

    I know its going to be hard. Watching someone be high, when youre trying so hard to get clean. But if you want this you can do this.

  5. #5
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashleyy View Post
    My boyfriend of three years is once again downstairs leaving me and getting. Iolent after I tried to kiss him and have him hold me goodnight. He rarely ever wants to have sex. I am 5'7" at 100 pounds and have misled and was a Paul Mitchell admissions leader a few months ago.

    He acts like I'm so bad when all I want is love. He gave me the methadone. I am writing this on me iPhone as we speak and things have gotten way out of hand. He didn't want me to start the suboxone, but I did. And now he is acting out towards me and my kids.

    I just don't know what to do. I love him and he has helped me a lot through other things, but I just DIE evwrynifnt he leaves me alone!! He leave all night with his phone off as well sometimes. If I did that, he would literally KILL me. Honest to God murder me.

    Please help.
    Ashley, If you are that afraid of him and he is violent toward you and the kids let him go it isn't worth it. I agree with Robert any man that treats women like that needs his ass whipped like a yard dog. There is help for battered women in every city Surfdog
    Robert_325 likes this.

  6. #6
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    lizzy,

    Thank you so much for writing about your story. It helps to know I am not alone in certain areas of my life that I struggle with so deeply.

    It is so hard when two people in a relationship use. ESPECIALLY when one is trying to get SOBER. I definitely understand and am feeling the ways you have described. He has even said to me sometimes... "What???... Do you think YOU are better than me now JUST because you are on SUBOXONE??!!" He goes to a Methadone clinic every SINGLE morning, expect Sundays. It seems like that clinic rules his life. Anytime I ever say anything non-positive about the clinic, he gets outraged. Every morning before he leave to the clinic he seems angry and in a hurry. I just get so tired of taking his anger-- when, if I get upset or angry he will flip out and tell me to apologize immediately. Or he will just leave. Or sleep downstairs.

    Anyways, using is just not healthy in a relationship at all. Not to mention we drink a lot of wine. I am actually sitting down today to make out some type of schedule to CUT BACK on the alcohol. I just can't have it rule my life anymore.

    We drink 5 LITERS (between him and I) of WINE in two days. It's gotten ridiculous.

    But, I thank you again- so much for sharing your story and helping.

    It is great to know there are others out there to talk to and that will support each other!!
    Ashley

  7. #7
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    surfdog,

    Thank you for the reply. I know... violence is absolutely unacceptable in any situation. It is so hard on a relationship when two people are using. Even though I am trying to become sober by using Suboxone, I still drink. I am really wanting to cut back. Foy my sake, my kids sake, and the sake of my relationship with my boyfriend.

    I thank you for listening and helping.
    Ashley

  8. #8
    dsac6060 is offline Member
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    ASHLEYY, i apologize for being rude before, but i was in a terrible mood from my taper. NO EXCUSE i know! Thats sad to hear about your relationship, honestly >> not want to deal. But love makes us blind and you have children. PLEASE consider stopping drinking, esp with the suboxone. I knwo its hard bc of whats going on in your life, but if you could find the time and talk to someone I thnk that would help. I had a lot of family problems while starting to taper but I did not let that throw me off track. I told myself theres a reason im doing this and I will become even stronger for it! Just think about the day where you can wake up and be you, without having to rely on anything at all! What a great feeling. Relate back to when you were a kid and would just wake up and go abotu your day. No thoughts of drugs, alcohol, or substance use.....it was just the day ahead! I look forward to that soon again!
    We CAN and WILL do this!!!!! Have faith and stay strong

  9. #9
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    dsac6060,

    Thanks for your apology. I forgive you. I know cutting back can make anyone on edge, as it does for my as well.

    Also, thank you for your kind words. I want the same thing as you... to wake up one day (and day after day for the rest of my life) without having to rely on any type of mind/body altering substance to make it through the day. It is just no way to live.

    I live for my children. They mean the world to me. That's why I started the Suboxone. I know it was the right decision... and eventually I want to be clean of all opiates. As soon as possible, but not to where it effects me taking care of my children. I may have to do it a little slower (tapering), but as long as I know I am trying and heading in the right direction it makes me determined.

    That is awesome that you have such strong determination to live your life free of everything. I applaud you for that!!

    I hope you are doing well and appreciate your post!
    Ashley

  10. #10
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Ashley .... you take care of yourself and the kids. Any man that is violent towards you and kids isn't worth the space he takes in your head. If you were my daughter or sister and some freak was violent to you I can't even imagine what I'd do. It wouldn't be pretty! You take care of yourself! God bless.
    Suboxowned and Ashleyy like this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  11. #11
    DamnataAnimus is offline Junior Member
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    I knew a >>>>>> addict once a while ago. He invites his brother around for his brothers birthday they both use then go out drinking. I went to his house the next morning and when I went in I saw his brother laying on a matress, dead. Apparently he has vomited during the night and suffocated himself due to not being able to wake up due to the >>>>>> use.

    So PLEASE reconsider drinking... In the end it might be the worst decision you ever made. Think about your children and what their life would be like if you, god forbid, died.

    Regards

  12. #12
    Ashleyy is offline Member
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    Thank you DamnataAnimus... I know how dangerous it is. My body has been drinking alcohol daily for over 3 years

    Opiates for 2... It's not a good mixture AT ALL, I agree. I usually take my opiates in the morning (when I did non-subs) and the nights I did NOT drink.

    I know.... It is scary... and I appreciate your concern.

    I am looking to cut back and have a plan to.

    Thanks so much!
    Ashley

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