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Try and try again....~1st day c/t
Try and try again....~1st day c/t
Hello to this internet community, and thanks in advance for the help I have gotten so far reading your posts.
May you all have strength and will power! Life is for living.
(this is the first time I have ever bloged, or posted like this for anything, bare with me, it is kinda long and I am weak)
I am starting c/t today and realize that I need help. I, like many, MUST do this under the radar.
The time is now and I got my 'game face' on. last dose was thursday at 8:00 PM.
Short story: I have been using for many years (5) for low back pain, then for fun, then to self medicate my depression (long story). Every addic as an excuse. I took 20+ norco-10 (vic) every day last week, heavy on sat and sun (self medicating a real stressful event in my life) monday-14 vic, tuesday 5 vic, wed 27 hours cold turkey UNPLANED, thursday I rewarded myself for wed c/t by taking 10 vic, (what a counter productive thing to do, I know, I pushed the 'hook' back in, typical Human) today ZERO and got the weekend to go for it. Yes I have some vic in my posission. I want to quit so bad, my will is strong, but like a true addict i have my safety net. One step at a time, I don't want to go 'without a net' yet....
I have tried c/t 3 times in the past alone, with 2 nites of shaking cold sweat. I really cannot do a shaking cold sweat nite again, that's why I have my safety net. (I never tried the hot bath that I read about on this site, i will now) I have wasted so much time and weekends planning a c/t session or a step down weekend. "I ain't wasting time no more" AB.
I have no insurance, no steady job, losing everything. And I am a divorce dad, (my depression reason and a trigger) I hide all of this expertley from my child and all others. No one knows of my addiction. It must stay like that.
I am just looking for some help, support. I am 'dumping' to the www. I must do this under the radar. In my past trys to quit c/t I kept a journal, it helped, but I really think Dr.Drew is correct, 'you cannot do it alone.' The one thing my journal did help was prepare me for now. I read how bad, sad, nervous, crazy, it was going c/t. So I am very mentaly prepaired, I have a plan. One of the items in my plan is meditation, (along with otc meds, beer, medical marijuana) I am very intersted/self educated in 'mind power' and phsycing yourself up for a session or event and to help with depression. I have been trying this, along with what I have learned reading others stories, thank you again. Your are making a difference!!! Even though I know a xanax would help at times!!!!!
I am very aware of the depression for me that may follow, I hope I am ready for that. I am not taking any anti-depressant now, I was on them for 7 years I want to be done with them. I quite Lexapro 3 months ago and had some messed up w/d from that for 2 weeks!!! My focus now is on kicking vic. My w/d symptoms were bloody terrible on wed for the 27 hrs, thurs pushed the hook back in, today not to bad, just nervous with ups and downs at 21 hrs.?.?. I want to jump out of my skin!! I am dreading the nite, I may take one vic 750 if it gets too bad. but if feels like on wed I got through a mile-stone.?.? (I am a physicaly fit and very active, I think that may influence the w/d severity and length???) For those who are wondering, I will let you know how 'pushing the hook back in' effected the c/t. I am very curious my self, kinda self expirement...
I have been through a lot in my life, you live and learn. I may have a different out-look towards approaching things because of what I've been through. I feel can share and help others, am not a professional. But now I am looking for some help/support kicking vic and starting 'The Battel of Addiction and Depression'. (That is a poem I wrote about 2 years ago, maybe I will post later....) Again, I am brand new to posting like this, I may post a 'my story later????'
-"Walking the Tighrope,"
Hey Tightrope. Happy to see you're at least trying. Anyone with this problem knows how tough even going a day can be and how hard the sleepless nights are. I have also just tried the c/t thing. I started on Tuesday at about 3pm and the nights have been the hardest so far. I am a 30mg a day percocet taker for about 2 and a half years. The one thing that I feel like makes this process a lot easier is just getting out of the house and doing something, anything. I know it's tough, I love playing video games and watching movies and stuff like that and I swear I've lost all interest in that stuff unless I'm high. I also am trying to do this under the radar. Let's try and not look at it like we are alone in this. If this forum is any indicator, we are most definitely not alone my friend.
You are most definitely not alone; I am going the ct route starting today...just can't bear this drawn out agony. At least if I start today, by next Friday I should be, if not great, at least functional. I think the fear is the worst of it; the fear alone sends me into shakes and cold sweats. Amazing what the brain can do.
Anyway there are 3? of us starting at about the same time? Let's hang together if we can, Thalia.
Hey thank you both for the support. We are not alone. I have read a little about each of you. (a good way to pass time!!!!) Justwannbemyself: Once You can make it to the Florida trip you are golden! you can do it!!Focus and meditate on it (will/mind power) , you are right about being active, I found it to be the last thing I could possible do, but worth every ounce of energy it takes!
Thalia45: get your game face on. this is very tough for us all, but not that tough for use to do. I have read your other posts, you are close, Meditate or pray that this is what you want, and this is what your going to do and be active!!! Go for a walk or I really found bike riding was great for me.
Thank you both for posting so soon to my first ever post, it really means a lot. I hope i provide a little help. I am bouncing off the walls and on my 5th beer today!!!! the 24 hr mile stone is near. I found my strength song, I turn it up ad play air gutar/dance aournd the house to spend all the shaking, anxiety, crazy energy i am going through now. the song is 'Tight Rope' by Stevie Ray Vaughn, about his battle with addiction.
however, I just got a wicked curve ball in my c/t session plan for this weekend.
when I pushed the hook back in on thursday I had a working interview day (excuse I know). anyway I just now got a phone call to work tomorrow morning and Im stressed out to the max!!! that wasn't part of the plan but it is a great oppurtunity for a good job. (excuse to use? no!) I am very worried about this.....
I will keep you posted....
I understand your predicament completely tightrope, you just want to be able to get some sleep tonight for work tomorrow right? I find that when I'm at work and being active I dont let the w/d get to me as much. When I sit around all day, it's torture. You are absolutely correct about making it to Florida for me, that's my goal. Just to make it there, and then I basically have no choice but to be clean. Thank you for reading my post btw, I know it's long and rambling
"Caught up in a whirlwind, can't catch my breath,
Knee deep in hot water, broke out in cold sweat." -SRV
Had a rough and weak battle with c/t even though I saw it coming... I'm not in "C/T" any more, I cheated. (I hope ther other 2 of you who posted here are staying Strong!! Watch out for triggers and think of a different way to reward yourself for milestons, 24 hr, 48hr, 72hr) Friday nite tried to sleep, felt tired and took OTC sleep aid but in bed had rapid heart beats and shaking body, uncontolled full body muscle twitching. I took 2 at 12:30 am saturday, that was 28 hours c/t. Worked on sat morning (very physical with a lot of lifting, walking and stairs) it was rough. My back flared up bad!!! Made it through, finished the job well done! Then anxiety/reward hit hard. Almost got in a car acciedent driving home, that freaked me out! Took 2 at 1:30 PM sat (over 12 hrs from my last dose. trying to stay positive.?.?) Then more famliy stress, (another family member is a different type of user) and STRONG need to reward myself for getting through the work day. and took 2 more at 7pm yesterday. I hope I am not tourchering myself!?!?!
Just pushing the hook back in!!!
Today I had zero. I don't think the upcoming work week at the new job will allow me to quit c/t. (who am I kidding, it will not)
At this point, I am trying to learn from my mistakes (excuses are always going to there there in life and talk is cheep) and keep an aggressive step-down/ween. Maybe it will work out???? 12-24hr between doses???
I want to give a shout out to Mr Dean, Ive been reading your posts, A full week clean seems almost unattainble for me, now. your are very incouraging to me, Thank You!!!
I am still walking the tightrope.
"I have not failed, I have found 100 ways that do not work" -Henry Ford
Just got blindsided by my biggest trigger, my ex-wife, she and and my 8 year old son stopped by for an unexpected visit. (I never pass on any extra time with my son, we walked to the dairy queen and she asked me if I was ok, I was Buggin big time with anxiety!!!! and mild muscle twitching) so I was weak and took 2 vic to deal with it. (great excuse, I know) I bought dinner for us all and we had a good visit at the cost of me pushing the hook back in!!! I was almost emotional when they were getting ready to leave my house, it was such a short visit. After they left I broke down and cried for a while... I really hate this!! Even though this pain in not physical, which I am thankfull for, it really hurts deep down in my soul.
I am going to try and stay aggressive with this. I hope to find my game face on Monday. We all got addicted different ways, maybe I will use a different way to get clean?
Waking the Tightrope,
Tightrope. C/T is hard to do,especially if you have any pills laying around or a way to get them.
Sounds like you are struggling like I did for months trying to get clean,using every excuse not to stop.
I ran out of excuses and faced my problem head on. I did cheat getting off vicodin.I used a milder opiate to do so,Tylenol 3 with codeine. I weaned myself off the vics to the T3s and then weaned myself off the T3s. W/D was very mild and within a few days I was back to living and have been clean since mid April. I know it's not that long,but the cravings aren't to bad to deal with.I have pain here and there at night and have days I wish I had some the pain gets so bad,usually when the weather changes.
I would suggest to cut down your dose and wean off the vicodin instead of going c/t. It's hard to do especially when you have them close but trust me a week or 2 you will be nearly feeling normal and the back pain stops when you get clean. I do remember what the pain feels like,like someone is sticking knives in your lower back and nothing,not even the vicodin works for very long to stop the pain,causing you to take even more. I knew when that was happening to me,it was time to find a way out. Lucky for me I have insurance and an understanding Dr who worked with me to get clean.I chose what medication I wanted to stop,hence how I got tylenol 3 with codeine.My Dr sorta questioned me about it and wanted me to stay on vicodin,but I refused.He finally agreed and gave me what I wanted and set an appt for 2 months to see how I was doing.I told him I will be off before I come back and I was a week clean when I went back to see him. He was impressed with that and in disbelief but when I walked out of the office with no scripts for pills,it made me feel good. It's also nice not having to plan a day around pills and carry any with me. A bit strange still,even after 1 1/2 months clean,I still feel weird about not having pills on me when I go somewhere.
Anyways,I wish you luck and everyone else trying good luck and hope that you can get rid through this clean. Life is so much better without the control of a pill tagging along.
I, too, went through a divorce, and I've never gotten over it (it's been 4 years). It has caused me seemingly never-ending depression and it caused me to start using again. I have come to the point where I have to make a choice..."do I learn to deal with it or do I continue to destroy my life?" You are at the same point...I don't say this flippantly...it's just a harsh reality. So many people are dealt some bad cards in life and you and I are some of these people. I'm trying hard to get clean...almost there. You probably know this but staying clean is even harder than getting clean. We have to gradually learn to manage stress and to alter our lifestyles to refrain from anything that gives us instant gratification (with a few healthy exceptions). That instant thing is THE THING that we have to break. It will not cure our broken hearts. We have to do it by gently healing our brains and to learn to re-think our goals and our relationships...this is the recovery that I seek. I do believe that we have a God that will walk us through it... IF in our hearts we really want it, AND we ask Him to take our hand (no offense to the non-believers). I say these things based on my personal experience. Best wishes to you TightRope. I'm not sure if what I have said even helps.... so many times we think we are "different" and alone. You are not alone.
Originally Posted by TightRope
I'm a big music fan too. If you don't know him, check out Ryan Adams...great artist and a recovering addict. A definite listen is Ryan Adams and The Cardinals - Cardinology. "Born Into A Light" and "Stop" will soothe your soul. God Bless.
Last edited by Halloweenhead; 06-04-2012 at 10:20 AM.
Still 'walking the tightrope' in hell.
First full day on the new job. I was a nervous reck and diarrhea symptoms returned at work. (I work in the building trades and there was no restroom on-site today) I had to go to the gas station once, took anti-diarrea meds and went back to a hell day at work. Fighting the urge to go to the bathroom with each lift and bend, injured myself twice (minor cuts) and had trouble communicating with my new employer because of anxiety. I stuck it out till 3,(17hrs since last vick) by then the back pain was getting serious and I was buggin. I am so angery at myself. I can't stand myself! I feel like a big loser and all my c/t suffering was for nothing!!!! AGAIN!!!!
Somehow the work day went good in the eyes of my employer. The physical activity was helping me at times.
Thank you Shawn156 and Halloweenhead. It was uplifting to get home and read your post at my very low point. (The point where the c/t battle is lost again)
Shawn156, your right c/t is hard to do, too hard for me to do alone at my past level of abuse. I will research the T-3 switch approach and ween. I think Xanax may help me too.?.? (I know xanax has 'hooks'). Thank you for sharing, 1 1/2 months is a big deal, your still in the danger zone, stay strong.
Halloweenhead, I see your point. I think for most of my life I have had 'drug seeking behavior' and realizing that I was always seeking 'the thing' was a big deal to me. Going totally clean-sober has been an ultimate goal for me in life. But now I need to kick vick. One thing at a time.. I plan on checking out those tunes. Good luck to you.
So I'm back on the hook (I hope not as deep as it was). I will try to keep the evil, fire breathing, soul stealing, life threatining, addiction dragon within striking distance to battle another day (weening into it, from this lesson learned). This computer support has helped alot, thanks again, but Im thinking that maybe I cannot do this alone without someone to talk to (support to talk to during the extream low, weak points and reward feelings ) I am single now and would not want to bring a anyone into this mess that is my current life, so that is still on hold.
I am considering removing my thread, my c/t battle is lost again.
"The Battle of A and D."
'A hollow shell of the person I was,
Consumed slowly by depression and addiction.
Trying to cope and get better
But taking more and more drugs to self-medicate the pain
The suffering when there seems to be no light ahead
And no way out –but one selfish self-centered exit
That will end the pain for you, but create much pain for those you know and love
The battle begins in the bed, for sleep is a natural escape from the pain
Sleep takes us away and gives relief, it heals our bones and our mind
But sleep is a battle of cold sweat and reflex movements
Trying to jump our of your skin you cannot rest
And then the morning comes and you did not get your sleep.
You feel cheated, it is unfair, addiction has won that battle
You wonder how many more nights will be like this,
Wrestling in the sheets with cold sweat
Not sleeping at all, but that is all that you want
You need that escape for just a short time
The next battle will come soon enough
Even though minutes are hours now and time moves slow
The pain stays long within slow time
Will it end? Yes with time
Time heals all even though addiction is tough
Once you are clean, you’ve had Enough
But depression awaits and temps you with drugs
To deaden the pain and make things good
You must fight again though you are very weak
Strength is so hard to find when depressed
Now sleep is your savior and all you want to do
Hyper-sleeping is bad for all living things
Too much of anything in life is bad
You can get support, if you look it is there
Fighting a battle alone you may die in despair
Round up the troops and get a plan
You must survive as every past man
This is just a low point in the road of life
It is not the end, you must clear your sight
Depression can cloud your vision of life
You don’t see the fun you had, doing activities you like
Depression will tell you that it wasn’t fun,
All the energy used was a waste and no fun
But this is a lie, it was fun, you must see through
The fun in life is still there, this is still true
You must live in life, and be active and fun
Take time to dance in the setting sun
Look to a child and the precious magic within
Children are golden and free from these sicknesses
Let them inspire you for the battles to come.'
- Divorce White Dad, sick and tired of being sick and tired. 5/10/10.
I know you are frustrated but it does seem like you are tapering right? I know that the anxiety is bad...it's hard to deal with daily activities. It will slowly improve if you continue to reduce the pills. Now that you are employed, would you consider suboxone? It has to be used correctly though - starting a low dose (far lower than the majority of doctors start you on) during bad withdrawals until you stabilize, then start reducing. It may be expensive, but it may be your best option and most comfortable one.
If you want to do the T-3 route,it's fairly cheaper then the subs and easier to come off of.I jumped at 2 pills a day and was fine. Not saying subs are bad,but they are pricey and from what I have read the Drs start a person out on way to much. Robert325 would be the one to ask about subs.He's done A LOT to help people kick the habit with subs!
I'll try to work this out on how I done it.I didn't write it down. When I started the T-3's I was still taking vicodin with it.What I done the first week was drop 1 vic a day and replaced it with a T-3. Week 2 I dropped 3 doses of vicodin and replaced it with T-3 and waited until I was stable to continue.I had W/Ds but not real bad.I never lost my appetite through the whole ordeal.The diarrhea was the worse part,but I had meds for it.There was very little mental fog at this point as well after I was stable. I might add I was taking 7-9 pills a day of the vics.
So after I was stable,I am not going to say this will work for all or if it is even safe for everyone,but when I got stable I started cutting the vics in half and taking half of the vics and a whole T-3.I don't remember how long I was doing it,I would say a week or so. Then after I was stable there,I started taking the T-3's and 1/2 vic 2x a day,morning and night only. That worked well for me and I quickly ditched the vics and went to only T-3.I think my highest with T-3 was 4 pills a day. I weaned off them fairly quick and had minimal w/d symptoms. After stopping the T-3 I was feeling better after 2 days.Mostly tired from a lack of sleep while getting away from the pills. In total I had 180 T-3's to get me through this and was able to do it.
It's very hard not to slip a vicodin in here and there while making the switch,just means your body hasn't caught up with you yet. I don't have much of a craving for either pill,though the pain gets bad at times I wish I had a vic to take.
This is probably one important thing I left out,don't expect any pain relief from the T-3s. It done nothing for my pain.It had to go away on it's own and did for the most part until the weather changes.I am in Indiana and it changes often.
When I was coming off the vicodin c/t,I couldn't do it and stay away from it. This time around,I feel I have much more control over it and will stay clean for good.I really think the T-3 helped me in a big way at curbing the worse of the w/d from vicodin and what has pretty much put a knife in the cravings.
When I went c/t the 2 times within 6 months,each time after a day or 2 I could taste the vicodin in my mouth and smell it.Was very strange.With the T-3 this time,I didn't have that problem.
If you can do this without the xanax,it would be better.Xanax is hell to come off of and it's one this I have been unable to get away from. I got my dosage down to 1.5 mg per day but I want to be off them totally.