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I know that I cannot take any pain meds. Once I start, even for a legit reason, I CANNOT stop. This past December, I went into the hospital for a 911 call from an anonymous caller (probably my "friend") who shot me up with dilaudid. Usually this wouldn't have phased me ...much. But I was on 30 ambiens and had been drinking several bottles of wine for days in a row. I was non-responsive and woke up in intensive care with a breathing tube and stomach tube, etc. I came close and I usually have a high tolerance. Well, I did well after a few weeks of ICU, then a stint in the county hospital. Then, it happened....I needed dental surgeory and began getting lortabs. You'd think my past would have kicked me in the a** and said "You know you can't....". But, the pain killers gave me that extra energy, I was back into the swing of life and feeling GREAT. I ended up seeing a doc who prescribes norco. I have a 2 wks supply but its gone in 3 days. I found that taking tramadol helps with w/d's but now I hear trams are worse than norco's. I HATE the old ball and chain of pills. Today I decided I would cut WAY back on the trams (i'm in between norco refills). But, it seems the more I TRY the more desperate I get, and BAM, went and downed more. I hid them from myself. Idiot...lol. Worked SO well. jeeez. I am stuck in my addiction again. I keep saying this next time i get my norco, i will get off and not get back on, tram or norco. none. I have a child, and the guilt of knowing I can die from this disease of addiction is awful. But, if you know this disease, you can't get clean for anyone. I need to do something. I've done it all. Except manage to stay sober for more than a year or more depending on what drug/alcohol. I want to delete this because I am afraid I will hear I must stop. I want this to be ok and it's NOT. It's like if I keep this to myself, its not really an issue or problem....letting whoever is out on this site know my truth, I know what I'll get and I will appreciate the concern and I'll also feel obligated to save myself NOW. But I am in limbo. I will hit send but I want to hear what I know I will not hear. That I am "ok, get by however you can in this life". Only if....
Hi Sunny, no judgement here, just empathy because I know how you feel. I think that your children needing their mom and you not being able to leave them is actually a pretty good reason to stay safe. I don't know what the answer is about HOW you can do it because I barely know what I am doing myself, but I hope that you can figure it out. Stick around here.
it's mildly funny you say "you could DIE from this addiction", but you CANT die from withdrawing from the opiates. Is there any other choice? For you child at least? Death, or cleanliness take your pick.
Quotes that keep me going:
"Do you have another day 1 in you?"
"If not now, when?"
“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”
Clean as of 02.03.2012
Thanks for the replies. Comeback Kid, you are absolutely right on that one! I like it!! So very very true. And, I have no plans to get back into that trap of feeling better off dead. I lost my oldest child, my daughter would be 19 yrs old now. I have had held onto that guilt, any parent of a child who passes usually blames themselves for NOT being able to save them. I honestly thought I was a superhero when it came to my daughter! Really. And I'd heard of people losing their children and I am embarressed but must admit I thought "How could they LET their children die?". Well, I know now that parents just do not have super power abilities and if it is their time or however you want to look at it, a parent has no control. So, since my overdose and being sent to County Hospital I know have since forgiven myself, I have faced my daughter who has passed away and am now able to talk to her through prayer. I have been working on my parenting of my now 6 year old daughter and am SO grateful for her. I WANT to live, no longer do I feel that I am just a bother to everyone, and that I'm dragging people down. I am doing my best to rebuild my life and my ways of coping with life. I DO have another day 1 in me. And, I know it is NEVER too late, there isn't a cut-off number of tries to remain sober, I can always come back (i get your name, right?). I want to live. I wish the best to all of you out there that are struggling with addiction, it's a ?????! It really is. Bless those that are an inspiration to those of us that need to hear that sobriety can work, even in the worst addicts. There is hope. Love and Peace to all.
Addiction is hard to kick. I fought for 6 years to get clean on and off what ever pain med I could get my hands on.I think my longest period clean was 6 months.
I am off all opiates now and have been for over a month. I was on Norco 7.5/325 suppose to take 4 a day,I was at 7-8 sometimes more a day for months.Spending money I didn't have,coming close to having gas water and lights shut off to feed my addiction. I simply said enough,I can't do this.I was killing myself slowly and I have 2 kids to raise and their mom is unfit.I am a single dad.
I went to my doctor in Feburary and told him no more Norco and asked for Tylenol 3 so I could get away from the Norco. He was hesitant to do so and wanted me to stay on norco but I wasn't taking no for an answer. By mid April,I was clean.I went back to him April 24th I think and he was impressed I was able to stop using all opiates like I did. It was a struggle at first,I won't lie.Trying to get the right balance of Norco and T3's with little withdrawal wasn't easy,but I managed to do it and was off a week before I seen the Doctor.
Since then,life has changed for me.I feel like myself again. I still have mild pain that Ibuprofen doesn't always work for but I refuse to go back on opiates. I went as far as making a list on why I hated them so much for and when I do think about them,I look at my list.
I am not saying go get T3 from the Dr and do what I done.What works for 1 won't always work for another,but I will say W/D from T3 was 2-3 days and very very mild.
Good Luck and hope you can get clean and stay that way.I know the struggle and it's not easy.You have made the first step in admitting you have a problem.