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spouse of an addict... running out of patience!!!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 years, and I don't know if I can make it to 15!!! About 7 years ago i became aware of his pill addiction. Vicodin was his favorite. We went through a pretty bad patch but he got cleaned up and i thought all was well.(stupid me). he proposed and i said yes, 2 weeks later i found pills in his pockets again. We start the whole cycle over, we argue, he promises, i believe him. i didn't leave him but i took the ring off and put it in a box. with the exception of the ring (which i never put back on) we have been through this cycle about 10 times since 2005. The last year had been going well i thought we might be done with this cycle when he started hanging out with a friend from the past again(drug buddy) I warned him to be careful to stay away from him or he would get sucked back in again but he wouldn't listen, said his buddy was clean and on suboxone to help his addiction. My boyfriend is now in deep again but he is hooked on suboxone(he snorts them), he won't admit it to me and when i try to talk to him about it he gets really mad and says he isn't doing anything and it is my problem that i don't trust him. he said if i ever bring it up again he will leave me! I just found out he has been getting a secret paycheck for one day a week that he gets under the table in addition to his normal paycheck. He spends his whole secret check and keeps $100 a week out of his regular check plus takes all the cash i have in my purse. My father died a few years ago and left me his coin collection which i just discovered is missing also!!
WHAT DO I DO??? if i leave him i can't afford to get an apt on just my salary, plus i will have to give away my dog because apts in this area don't allow pets. my mom and sister offered to let me stay with them if i leave him but they don't live in my area so i would have to quit my job and give up my house(which i can't afford without him, but at the rate his addiction is growing i won't be able to afford it with him for much longer). if i stay with him i am afraid that the lies will never end the cycle will go on forever,i know it is an illness but if he won't even admit to a problem i don't think there can be any solution.
I am so angry and frustrated at this point i can hardly stand to look at him anymore. I try not to talk to him about anything anymore because i know it will all be lies but my stomache is in knots and i barely sleep anymore, it is really starting to affect my work. I feel like i am about to crack i just want to scream in his face and call him names. i am getting depressed and i feel like there is no good answer, no hope for a future with him. so if anyone made it all the way through my rant here are my questions...
AT WHAT POINT DOES IT BECOME MY FAULT? SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP 14 YEARS? IF HE GOT CLEAN TODAY WILL I EVER FORGIVE HIM? WILL THERE EVER BE A POINT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM AND SEE THE PERSON I LOVED? DO I HATE HIM? CAN I MAKE IT ON MY OWN OR DO I JUST SUFFER IN SILENCE? HOW COULD HE LOVE ME IF HE DOESN'T CARE THAT HE IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS? WILL I EVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PILLS? DO I DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER? WILL HE EVER STOP? HOW DO I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND? HOW DID I WIND UP ENGAGED TO A JUNKIE?
Wow, that's alot. I'm new to this web site, but not new to drug addiction.
Reguarding your questions:
it's not your fault.
don't give up 14 years so fast, you still love him right?
yes you can forgive, to error is human, to foregive is divine.
no you hate his illness (addicition)
He loves you, he has an illness. It seems like he loves the drugs more. (my dad was an addict, heroin, I had to learn about addiction at very young age. I always knew he loved me and my/his familey, but he had a wicked illness. An illness can be treated, with support.)
You will be the center of his world when he is clean, be ready for that.
you and him deserve for him to stop. I am not an expert, but you could look in to being a 'sponser' for him to quit. Learn more about the addiction illness and talk to him about it before you make a big descision. If and when he quits he will need your help.
Hang in there,
Thank you for responding, i read your post and it gives me a little hope. my family doesn't understand, they just say "dump that loser" my mom says that at this point it is my fault for staying and i really can't complain about being unhappy. she says fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me! and i live in such a small town that if i talk to anyone here it will be all over town by tomorrow!! i do still love him, he is my first and only love, but how can i talk to him if he is threatening to leave if i even bring it up? he has told me right to my face he resents me because i don't want him doing pills, i just don't think he is ready to give them up. around here they perscribe subs like tic tacs and the doctors don't taper them down. is there a magic phrase that will get through to him, or do i just sit quietly and wait for him to realize on his own?
Just like Tightrope I am also a new member but not new to addiction.. I just started posting on here a few days ago as I battle my issues with trying to get clean.. I'm only on day 5 so take this for what it's worth.. I just shared with my wife of 9 years that for the past 5-6 of them I was on pills.. Problem was she didn't have a clue so I just hit her with a verbal baseball bat with my admission.. At this very moment she is seeking advice/council from her best friend.. All I can say is this.. The addiction your boy friend faces is very serious and very, very hard to kick.. As tightrope stated it's a sickness.. None of this is fair to you that much is very true.. Do everything you can to help him because to me it sounds like that's what you want to do and I feel the rest of your questions will be answered.. Be patient.. Be strong.. Make him believe he can stop.. Maybe start with showing him some posts from here.. That's how I got started.. If I didn't find this site I feel I would be lost still..
Again.. I'm at the very early stages of my recovery but nothing has helped me more than finding this site..
thank you, i can't tell you how much better i feel just talking to someone! i have felt so alone in this
Rubin that's a lot of questions,It is never going to be your fault!! It isn't now. Yes you deserve better. He is sick, he didn't ask for his disease, but he is RESPONSIBLE for his recovery, this has nothing to do with love. Now Alanon/ Naranon meetings is how you keep from losing your mind. These are people that are and have gone through what you are and worse. PLEASE go to a meeting you can find them in the phone book no one there will reveal you identity, and if your in a small town every probably knows your boyfriends antics anyway. Do not give him money, If he is stealing from you now anything you value remove or it will be gone. My guess would be you ended up with an because of addiction somewhere in your family history.
The rest only you can answer, listen to your gut, but make the decision with your brain not emotion. Please go to a meeting!! God Bless Surfdog
Rubindawg, I can't even put into words how much I understand where you are coming from. I have been in the same situation for a long while now, and anything I can do to help I will. The guy I was seeing (and, I'm not sure if I'm proud of it or not, but I still am) has had a huge addiction problem for many years. He has stolen thousands of dollars from me, countless sentimental and important items (Ipods, digital cameras, jewelry, coins, pretty much anything of value...) and we have seperated several times over the last 8 years due to this behavior. It is not your fault, you care about the guy and that is what he needs more than anything, however, to get him to wake up and see the problem, you are gonna have to risk losing him. If he is unwilling to talk about his addiction and unwilling to do anything about it, can you really go on with the way things have been? It will start to eat away at you and change you as a person, at least it did me. My guy recently did 8 months in jail, got clean while he was gone, and relapsed as soon as he was out. I'm happy to say, I finally convinced him (yesterday mind you) that this has to stop. I told him if he loves me and if he wants things to work he has to talk about and deal with his addiction. You must be firm, but supportive. If at that point he gets angry and storms out, thats okay, let him go, and let him think. If he loves you, he will come back. I could go on for hours on this particular subject, but feel like I'm merely ranting now. Keep in mind, it'll be a long hard road, don't blame yourself. You are on the right track already.
Last edited by ddcmod; 06-13-2012 at 12:00 AM.
yesterday was a big day. we had the big confrontation on monday night and he took time to think about what i said all of tuesday, and yesterday we went to our first NA meeting. we were both scared and it will be a lot harder than i thought, but it took 7 years to get us here so i can't expect to get back in a week. the meeting had a really positive affect i just wish they had them more than twice a week in this area. he is going through some withdrawls today, very sick but he is trying hard not to lash out. i'm just afraid that the anger will be coming soon. i am trying to stay positive for him but it has only been 2 days and i am already tense and tired. i just never realized how long one day can last!!! he has a doctors appt tomorrow to try to taper off just need to make it another 20 hours somehow.
Rubindawg, your messages have really touched me. I wish I knew what we live for, but sometimes I think it is the lessons of life. I know one thing for sure: I am an addict and that will not change; it is what I do with that certainty of knowledge that counts. It is very valuable knowledge; already one of the grandkids is gravitating to me (much to the amazement of the "sports" family! But M.. can talk to me in a way he cannot to the rest of the family. How did he know that? I don't know but I have been through so many "failures"/relapses, uses, clean, and in between accomplished (n the surface, a lot) that I think M... knows he can talk to me about anything.
Originally Posted by rubindawg
His very rigidly straight family would be devastated to know the conflict this kid has. Maybe that is why I am here? There are other parallel situations going on, and i am glad to be "me" with all my "flaws" and failures; I mostly consider it a gift of inestimable proportions.
Give yourself a bit of slack, and know that your experiences may be there to help others as well as yourself (the next right thing), you know...
Last edited by thalia45; 06-14-2012 at 05:26 PM.
Rubin, others have said this . But I,m going to say it also........if he is not willing to get clean. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING you do can make that happen. If he is doing this just to appease you. Then it will not happen. I am not trying to be a harbinger of doom. I just want you to know what you are dealing with. He has to want this. In other words ask him... " are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay clean?" because that s what he will have to realize and be willing to do....Whatever it takes. Everyone here has said very positive words relating to your post. But AK and Surfdog hit the nail on the head......AK said you may have to risk loosing him and Sdog said it is HIS responsibility to get and stay clean. Support him , yes......do not enable him........this is just my two cents for what it is worth. .......he can do this. And he is a very fortunate man to have your support.......SD
Originally Posted by rubindawg
Those drugs will always win. Always. You're an addict yourself in this. You're addicted to this guy and are making excuse after excuse to stay with him...15yrs Come on. How much longer will you stay in this Prison? Until one day you wake up and say s.hi.t, where did 25yrs go. Move out while your family will help you. He gets help, he can't be helped by you yelling at him. He needs a serious helping hand from a dr and some therapy and maybe even a treatment facility. He's got yrs to go to fix this. As do you. You may discover that once YOU start living again and quit being a co-dependent enabler that you will soon wonder, what the HELL was i thinking. I gave up 14yrs that I will never see again. If you're at the point to posting on a blog for strangers' help. You're looking for someone to have a magic bullet. To say, yes he can get better in just a few short months, and then problem solved and you live happily ever after. The end! That's BS. You answered most if not all of your own questions. You're just looking to hold onto this guy probably for no doubt that you love the person, but he's not him, he's whatever drugs he's taking. The real him is GONE(for now) he may be back he may not. You keep going like this and you will soon join him. I'm honestly surprised that you haven't tried anything with him(drug use wise I mean) you sound strong willed. Get yourself out, your family is waiting. You can't fix someone that doesn't want it, no matter how wrong he may be or selfish, he's NEVER lemme say this again, he's NEVER going to stop because you want him to. He will stop ONLY when he truly, truly wants to and that may be never. Until you start taking away some of the things he can't see and takes for granted, why the hell should he stop? He's got you for 14yrs, you're clearly not going anywhere so he's got you figured out. He's threatening to leave you? Are you nuts? You should be the one saying it, then doing it, you're not on drugs. Are you? I'm being very stern and kinda a jerk because I'm being HONEST with you. That often comes across as rude, but I'm telling you what you need to hear, not what you WANT to hear. And last, I have my own experience with this and am not making this up as I go. Take your family up before they write you off as a druggie too and next thing you know you're saying, "well my family won't help me anymore and they think i must be using too because I live with this guy. So, I guess I better just try this stuff since they think I'm on drugs anyway" then BAM. You're both junkies. You deserve much better. You look at it as if you lose him your life ends just because you've had 14yrs together, you may discover that a life has been on hold for all those years and once you sever the cord, you're living. Unless you're using also, I see NO way on God's Green Earth for you to stay around 1 minute longer. Help him, sure. But unless you're a qualified Physician you can offer little to no help other than to stop enabling him and have nothing to do with him until....until! Find a qualified physician and I can't stress this enough, stick with your family. They may not stick around for 14yrs more.
Rubindawg, I've read several of your threads and I want to say God Bless you through all this. These are difficult questions and you will probably get a variety of answers. You need to ask yourself first and foremost, do you love this person enough to stick with him through this? This is a lifelong process. There is no drug or treatment that will ever cure your boyfriend. This is a treatable disease and the symptoms can be arrested, but not stopped. That is 100% up to him as well. You can't change this for him. It would NOT be entirely selfish of you to say "you know what, I can't do this" and walk away. Sometimes we have to admit defeat. There is nothing stronger than addiction other than the power greater than ourselves that helps us to overcome it. I choose to call him/her "God".
Originally Posted by rubindawg
AT WHAT POINT DOES IT BECOME MY FAULT?
It's not your fault. It really can't become your fault either. It's a disease. You will have people tell you your enabling him etc., that's a bit different then actually placing blame of "fault" on someone. This is not your fault.
SHOULD I JUST GIVE UP 14 YEARS?
Again, you need to decide if this is something you can tolerate and handle for the rest of your lives together. He may get clean and never use again. He may relapse once, twice, for a day, for two years. You just never know.
IF HE GOT CLEAN TODAY WILL I EVER FORGIVE HIM?
It will take a long time for you to forgive him. It's a process. Your going to heal along with him, right beside him. Remember, its his disease you hate and are angry with, not him.
WILL THERE BE A POINT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM AND SEE THE PERSON I LOVED?
YES. If he continues his recovery and takes it seriously, YES.
DO I HATE HIM?
No. You hate his disease, and the drugs. Not him. If you hated him, you wouldn't be here right now.
CAN I MAKE IT ON MY OWN OR JUST SUFFER IN SILENCE?
Of course you can make it on your own. Nobody needs another person to "make it". It would be difficult for you to walk away after 14 years, I'm sure. But help is out there. Your frustrated right now, but you know deep inside if you really needed to you could swing this. Also, you've been carrying yourself AND carrying him for a long time now. Don't underestimate yourself.
HOW COULD HE LOVE ME IF HE DOESN'T CARE THAT HE IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS?
He does care I'm sure. Deep inside. As you mentioned, that person is lost right now. Right now the only thing on his mind is getting high and feeding the addiction that is screaming through his body and pulsing through his veins. It's totally consumed him, body, mind and spirit.
WILL I EVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PILLS?
You could be. That's up to him.
DO I DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER?
Yes you do. But remember, he could become everything you want, need and knew if you just give him some time to get his act together. What you deserve is to have ALL of him. Not 1/4 of him or 1/2 of him, ALL of him. Remember this is not a measure of your value or self worth here. This is ALL ABOUT HIM.
WILL HE EVER STOP?
Yes, if he WANTS it bad enough he will.
HOW DO I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND?
Talk with us here. Remember yourself. Do you have any friends? Family members? I'm not being a smart @$$ or rude asking if you have any friends -- I know what it's like to be totally consumed by the addiction of another. You may have very well given up on your friends by now. Do you have anyone you could spend some "breathing" time with? Take a short walk, trip to the movies? Don't forget about YOU ok? Excellent advice, get to a meeting. If I can say so, you need to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon WITHOUT him once in a while. You need to be able to talk to the other members and discuss freely things you may be not so willing to discuss when he's there. Get some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon literature. Make it a point to make some contacts there. You really, really need that.
Talk to us! Post with us! We're here for you! I'm a pickled old junkie myself but hey, I'm here for you and others. Having this forum as a support system has been a life-saver for me. Truly. Post, post, post! People will be straight forward, honest and helpful here. I've made some good friends.
Take some deep breaths. Do you exersize? Enjoy anything like yoga? Have a couple bucks to spend on a massage? Writing, reading, hot baths...make sure you relax okay? Nothing will be solved by you being so stressed out.
HOW DID I WIND UP ENGAGED TO A JUNKIE?
He wasn't a junkie when you first met him. Deep inside there is the man you know and fell in love with. Somewhere along the lines addiction got ahold of him and has sunk it's ugly teeth in. He'll be able to someday identify where that "somewhere along the line" was and figure out why. He's in there somewhere girl, he's just lost right now.
All these decisions are up to you. You have to make the choice on whether or not this is something you want to do. Maybe after he stabilizes on the Sub you could sit down and talk with him, and let him know your not giving him "orders" or an "ultimatum", you want to know what his plans are for recovery, what he expects of himself and what you expect of him in order to stay in this relationship. You want to know he's serious about this, right? Sounds like you've had enough. And I certainly don't blame you. But this won't all go away overnight. I guarantee you he's a good, sweet person. Right now he's completely consumed by this.
Break it down into a mini decision if it makes it easier to swallow. You obviously can't make a 100% fool proof decision right now whether you'll stay or go. Things could change, and you could decide to stay or go in a year, two, three or four. It's being PREPARED for this journey that will suit you the best. Knowing what your up against, potentially. Knowledge is power. You could decide to leave at any time. You could say "I'm sticking with him" and in another six months he relapses or gets thrown in jail (God Forbid but like we say in NA, this path leads to jails, institutions and death). You could tell yourself your going to stay now and take things one day at a time with him. You just have to mentally prepare yourself for what lies ahead.
What lies ahead? Potential relapse, potential jails, institutions, death, more stealing, more crime. On the positive side, he could make a great recovery and you two settle down, get married and have the whole "white picket fence life". You just never know, but you must be prepared. Second, listen to your heart and what you feel okay? If you make the choice based on what your parents think "dump the loser", you may regret that for the rest of your life. He could get clean and start doing very well, find another woman and settle down with her. You need to listen to what your heart tells you. I think it's a little premature for anyone to speculate and say whether or not he's taking advantage of you, walking all over you, not taking this seriously, etc. He's just barely making the first step to admitting he has a problem and asking for help.
All of this is just my opinion sweet heart. Take it for what it's worth. Good luck, post often and God Bless you and your boyfriend.
i can't tell you how much this web site means to me, i really don't have friends anymore. not to call and chat or go to a movie with, somehow i became a very withdrawn person. i have looked up meetings and been about to go twice now and i just chicken out at the last minute. i am not a religious person i haven't been to church since i was 8 and my grandma made me go for easter. i just don't know how to relate to that. that is a big struggle with both of us, the 12 steps mostly relate to a higher power you surrender to, but that is just a completely foreign concept to me. i almost miss that totally oblivious bubble i was living in! today is just a sad day, maybe tomorrow will be better.
Hello rubindawg, I am a 57 year old nurse who has worked in that field for 40 years. Having an on the job injury and back surgery led to a prescription pain pill addiction. I am just another drug addict trying to get off Morphine now. And I am making it! My husband has been by my side for the past 15, almost 16 years while I have been through some terrible times. I am finally working at getting off the medication because I finally decided I was ready to quit. I felt horrible for what I have put him through all these years. I would get stoned out of my head and scream and yell at him. I would call him all kinds of horrible names. I would say the very things I knew hurt him to his very soul. Now more than ever I hope to make things up to him for staying by my side and taking care of me through those worst of days. I do believe in God and have been a Christian since May 3rd, 1977. I understand where you are coming from in not relating to that as I did not for 22 years until that day. Even my faith was not enough to get me off the drugs but God has always been there trying to help me see that I needed to quit. I finally have listened and told Him I am ready. I am sorry for what you have been through with your boyfriend. But I just want to say that perhaps he may come to the point of wanting to get clean like I have and put his attention back where it should be, in you and not the drugs. He may always struggle with the temptation of drug use, as most of us realize, but this forum is a great place to come for support and having people to talk to is the best thing I have found as well. Reading many of the stories on here also motivated me to finally decide to get straight. Maybe he will read some of the posts as well and see he is not alone in feeling terrible inside about what he is doing. I am sure he hates himself enough for the both of you for his behavior. Nice to meet you and glad you are here. Hope to talk to you again.
Rubin, might I suggest Naranon/Alanon to you you need support worse than he does. it is not your fault and never will be however you are just as addicted to him as he is to the drugs, If you want to him help yourself, cease enabling him. His recovery is his responsibility. Go to your own meetings let him go to his Surfdog
so it has been about 6 weeks and my boyfriend is about to graduate from intensive outpatient rehab.i am very proud of him! he has his 30 day key tag from NA. he is doing really well and we are communicating much better but he is still on the subs and hasn't started tapering yet. the doctors are telling him not to that he is not ready. i am trying not to rush him but this is getting really frustrating. he was down to 1 mg a day and the docs put him back up to 2mgs and he is holding there. i don't want him to go too fast and have a relapse but how long is too long to wait. we have a couples counceling session tomorrow and i am pretty nervous about it. his rehab doc is the one doing the session so i am a little worried that this will be an hour long suboxone commercial. trying to stay possitive. i went to an alanon group and that just didn't seem to do me much good, i left feeling angry and offended, so hopefully this will go a little better. is it possible to have every emotion all at the same time? i feel like my brain is on overdrive!
read up on roberts taper plan on how to get off subs an have him start when hes ready. dont rush him off the subs and try and realize how far he has come. if you rush him off the subs hes going to be withdrawing for a long time and theres a good chance it will lead to relapse. trust me if youve waited 14 years for this day dont mess it up by trying to rush him to get off and waste all the effort you and him put in to get him where hes at. it sounds like your caring and have stuck by his side but by your posts i can tell you have no idea what he is going through as well. you have to realize how hard it is to overcome addiction of opiates and for him to get where hes at now. ive seen many friends die on there road to trying to quit opiates. ive been to to many funerals because of opiates. its no easy task. this isnt some kids kickball tournament. this is the hardest thing he will probably face in his life. let him get mentally right and stable while on the subs to the point where he feels getting high isnt as important as it was 6 weeks ago. then have him follow roberts taper plan and if he follows it correctly the withdrawals will be significantly less as opposed to rushing it and jumping off at the dose he is now. just hang in there and kno the worst is over.
If you left Alanon angry then probably some one pushed some buttons look for simalarities not differences.Most do leave angry the first time suggest you go back with an open mind Dog
I am currently looking for NA meetings for myself, and possibly Nar anon meetings for my girlfriend. I have found a couple locations in my area. Is it possible to have both meetings at the same location and the same time? Would it just meet in a different room and not together, right? Would anyone recommend that would be ok if we both attended the same place, or is it in our best interest to go to two different locations?
so the counseling went ok but the doctor said that he will have to be on the subs a YEAR before he should start tapering!!! he has already been on them for 2 years but not in a doctors program, it just seems like such a long time! what if i wait out the year and then he decides he is still not ready? how can you go to rehab for a suboxone addiction and they tell you not to stop and even raise your dose??!! they even give him extras just incase he wants to up his dose! i know that i don't understand addiction but this just seems crazy to me!
Rubin that is crazy, there have been many here that have tapered off subs. I don't understand their thinking on this> If he wanted to get clean for them to increase his dose makes no sense at all Dog