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Please help... Need support
  1. #1
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    Default Please help... Need support

    For those of you following my first post, I had to start over in a new one. I'm so mad at myself. Strong for 23 days and yesterday I found in a drawer half of an Opana. Im not sure when it was from, how did it get there? I'm so upset and ashamed to say when starring me in the face I wasnt strong enough. I cut off all communication with my "pill guy", so I knew I wouldn't contact him nor could he get ahold of me. So now here I am. Day 1 again. I had to be honest with everyone and most importantly myself. I prayed and cried last night so upset I let myself down. Now I'm scared that I've messed up. Things were going so great now I feel I've taken 100 leaps backwards....

  2. #2
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    I know today is going to be a very emotional day, but I think the hardest part is that I let myself down. How could I?? I'm so mad at myself, like I betrayed myself in the worst way. The first time I stopped cold turkey, I was so scared but also so excited for change. This time I can't get over that I did this. I feel like a failure.

  3. #3
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Getting clean is a process not an event. Blow it off and start over. Maybe this is what you needed to complete your personal process. Always look for the positive, not the negative. Being negative accomplishes nothing and sets you back. I'm not saying don't remember the relapse but move forward with more experience and focus on right now, not what happened yesterday. I had to give up on worrying about my "yesterdays" or I would never have got clean. That concept has worked for almost ten years for me. God bless.
    INDCNTRY and fedupnow like this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    Thank you for putting in that way. It is a process. One I'm willing to continue to push through. I need to look at it as one day at a time. Today is a new day, a new beginning. I guess I'm just being hard on myself because I feel I really let myself down this time. Maybe I did need this? Just another lesson, and reminder I do not want to go back. After doing it, I didn't feel good. I was upset and ended up just falling asleep... Yeah real fun!! I totally regret it. I have no desire to try to find more. I would give anything to take that back, but I can't and I know I need to move forward
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  5. #5
    INDCNTRY is offline Junior Member
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    Default Your sobriety is still valuable.

    Hey Change Like Robert said....you learned you are still faced with just how much you have to resist. It's important in recongnizing that you are an addict. You must always resist. DO NOT get so down that you devalue yourself. If you hadn't had learned from just that 1 in the drawer, it may have been a handful or some other greater temptation in the future.....yes? Done and done. 23 days while awesome awesome awesome can be recaptured in ...well 23 days. A blip..right? By the way, I am at 25 days. So I do know how you feel about your progress. Don't it again. Stronger, smarter, more vigilant. I am rooting for you.
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  6. #6
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    Well I'm def. Still proud I made it 23 days, and it another reassurance that this can be done. I can function without some little pill running my life. I will try to not look back on yesterday and dwell, it won't help today or tomorrow. I know I do have a far way to go but I'm so ready to keep walking down the path. I understand that I have a problem, this isn't easy but change isn't always easy and the outcome is so much more worth it.

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    Day 2: I don't feel too bad. I think I'm more anxious than anything. I don't seem to be having as many withdrawls from only using a small amount after three weeks sober. I think I'm just more anxious about the future because I didn't make the best decision 2 days ago but I also understand the decision ultimately is mine. I control my future. I control today, tomorrow and from here on out. I also understand obstacles a d distractions will come in my way, I am learning to deal with them and have the strength and power to say No and do the right thing for me. Hope everyones having a great day!!
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  8. #8
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by ready4change12 View Post
    Day 2: I don't feel too bad. I think I'm more anxious than anything. I don't seem to be having as many withdrawls from only using a small amount after three weeks sober. I think I'm just more anxious about the future because I didn't make the best decision 2 days ago but I also understand the decision ultimately is mine. I control my future. I control today, tomorrow and from here on out. I also understand obstacles a d distractions will come in my way, I am learning to deal with them and have the strength and power to say No and do the right thing for me. Hope everyones having a great day!!



    That one little mistake didn't destroy what you achieved previously in your 23 days. It's time to taper and get clean. You don't want to do this so long that you develop another dependency. You still have the same recovery you had before, you just had a little slip. Forget about it and let's get clean! I'm here if I can help you. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Ready,

    Consider this a lesson learned. That's it. Been there, done that! The lesson I learned and it seems you have too is that it simply wasn't worth it. Put this in your "stay clean tool box" and if and when tempted again, remember how you felt, both physically and emotionally from the slip. My guess is that you are anxious and waiting for the withdrawals to begin and wondering how bad they'll be. With this minor slip the mental stuff is far worse than what you might experience physically. The slip was a couple of days ago (?). Remember how you felt on Day 2 last time? Forgive yourself and move on. At least now you know that you can live life without pills and know how that freedom feels. One day at a time. I only know for sure that I won't use today. Tomorrow will take care of itself and yesterday doesn't matter.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Robert_325 likes this.
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

  10. #10
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    Default Your not alone...

    Yes..I just did the same thing..those F-n Opana,s!!!! I was Off of them for a bit longer than you and I did the same thing last weekend..I didnt find one..I bought one..it really sucks that I did that..l know how you feel..it feels really good at first when you first get clean and Im not trying to be negative just truthfull it gets really hard..people told me before that detox would be the easy part and I didnt believe them..WELL,,now I know what they mean..I didnt realize how much I leaned on those stupid little things..Socially,,for energy,,for that extra get up and go in the morning..etc...
    I have a lot of time to consentrate on how I feel and how much energy I DONT have now ands it is getting really hard to let it go..I need to get these things out of my head! My old routines need to die..along with my cravings not for the drug but to just feel normal again..
    Sorry to make this mostly about me but In some way you and I are on the same page..I feel like we are on the outer edge of this revolving platform and need to be patient enough to be able to safely step off at the correct moment..
    Stay strong,,as that is what I tell myself everyday and I guess we can only live one day at a time..when you get through today..start working on tomorrow!! soon enough This will be in the rear view mirror..not gone but behind us enough that we can live a normal life again and be happy.!

    I wish You as much luck as I need myself to get through this..WE can do it!

  11. #11
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    Cat: I agree... I think feeling anxious and just my nerves being all out of whack made me feel worse. Mostly mental things and not so much the physical. I was just so upset and emotional more than anything, but even being able to cry and feel emotions is one thing I have noticed have began to come back after a few weeks, happiness, sadness, laughter.... On Day 2 before I experienced way more physical things than feeling many emotions. I was freezing, achy, no sleep, you know all those wonderful things that reminded me that drug was escaping my body. Today is Day 3... A new day!!

  12. #12
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    Nomrlyes: Hey! I know what you mean about relying on them for social outings and in the morning pickups. I too used to think I needed my pills for any event that was planned, counting to make sure I would have enough for while I was out, yet enough still for when I got home to go to sleep, and then at least enough for the morning so I could at least get ready and have the energy to get up and go to get more. When I began to reflect on this, I learned I didn't run my life, the pills ran my life. It was so eye opening to me that some little pill, while so small, had such a HUGE impact and for so long I didnt even realize it, or didn't care to think about it, I was in denial that I had a problem.

    One idea, that may help you, is to not put yourself in the situation where your around them? Or can get access to them? I deleted my pill guys number, I also put a block on my phone to where he couldn't call or text me. I received two texts and a few phone calls within the first week and it was just a distraction. I know myself right now I'm not ready to be in a situation where I could see people using or be around it. I'm still fragile and working on this, as I really realize since my slip up. Keep me posted on how you're doing. How are you feeling since you did the Opana over the weekend? Talk soon

  13. #13
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    Over the weekend I bought one 40m Opana..split it in four,,took two quarters on sat and two quarters on sunday..
    MAN I wish I didnt do that..SO not worth it!!
    I have actually changed my number all together and deleted everything out of my cell that could be a link to my "guy".. Bad thing is he lives near my folks house and I ran into him at the gas station..you know what happened next..

    I dont feel that bad..I have to get up early and go to work everyday and that isnt a problem but I just feel like I reset my energy level back to ZERO..Legs feel a bit week but its more mental than physical..Im feeling kind of anxious,,a little grumpy,,and I little nervous..I thought I had it beet but I was wrong..

    Thats the bad thing about the disease that is Addiction..It lays dorment,,quitely in the back of your head letting you think you beet it and then ripps the rug out from under your feet..I guess I need to be more aware of that in the future..

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    Nomrlys: Oh man. Yes, that situation def sounds hard to me. I'm here to be honest and while I was able to say No to text messages and calls, seeing the person I know has the pills would be very hard. I haven't seen him out, but I know a few places where he hangs out, mostly local bars just to have a place to sell since there's lots of traffic in and out of the bar anyways. I've avoided these places all together, I'm not much of a drinker and while getting sober I've tried to stay away from both the drugs and the alcohol. Afraid drinking would maybe just lead to the next thing. The thing that bothers me, is I told my pill guy I was going to get clean. He was like "great. Good for you!" Yeah right... He could care less, all he wanted was my money and I came to realize, he was no friend, no friend at all. He was just my pill guy!

    I can't agree with you more, I thought since I had gone those three weeks I was in the clear, just smooth sailing from here, but I realize Im still fragile, and working on getting strong and sober. This is a process and just taking it day by day!

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    Default Day 3

    Just wanted to post. I've had a bad headache all day. Nothing like Day 3 before though as far as feeling bad. Just dealing with all the thoughts and emotions. I want this so bad, to get me back, those past two weeks felt completely different. I was answering calls from friends, going out to do things with friends and family, not hiding in my home. I know I'm going to make it through, just know it isn't easy. Taking it day by day, looking forward to my future. Hope everyones having a great day!!

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by ready4change12 View Post
    Just wanted to post. I've had a bad headache all day. Nothing like Day 3 before though as far as feeling bad. Just dealing with all the thoughts and emotions. I want this so bad, to get me back, those past two weeks felt completely different. I was answering calls from friends, going out to do things with friends and family, not hiding in my home. I know I'm going to make it through, just know it isn't easy. Taking it day by day, looking forward to my future. Hope everyones having a great day!!


    This may sound goofy but the best over-the-counter med for detox headaches is Excedrin for Migraines. Get a bottle, it's well worth the $8 that about 50 will cost you. I've been recommending them for years and I've yet to get a complaint.

    Stay away from that damn pill dealer. You are right, he just wants your money. If he found you dead from an overdose I guarantee you that he would empty your billfold of anything he could steal before calling 911 if he even bothered to do that. He might just leave you laying where he found you as you mean NOTHING to him personally. He is a low life scumbag bottom feeder at best. That is a fact! You're going to find that you have to change the things you did when you used, the people you hung with, all that. I won't even allow anyone on drugs in my driveway and I certainly wouldn't go anyplace they are at unless it would be to help them get to a rehab. Your life has to change or this effort is a total waste. This is why so many people relapse, they can't break the chains from their old life.

    You really need a good support group of people like yourself trying to stay clean be it NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, church, a combination or all the above. Whatever it takes for you to make it through the day without using is what you have to do or you will just end up adding to the statistic of those that fail. This is life and death we are talking about. It's truly that serious! Don't do anything that will cause you a problem.

    I've lost a lot of old supposed friends who were actually nothing more than acquaintances over the years because they either died from drug use, they still use and I won't hang out with them, but I've also made real friends, people that care about me and not how many pills I could score. Put some serious thought into this, it's your life we are talking about. I would seriously consider getting involved in some NA meetings on a daily basis if possible. If I hadn't done that ten years ago I would have never made it through getting and STAYING clean. And it's the STAYING clean that's the trick. Anyone can go a short time in misery and be "clean." It's the people that STAY clean that really change their life and reap the benefits of living. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  17. #17
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    So right about the Stay Clean Comment.Robert . Im still working it out. Fourth time now. Learn as much as you can every time you slip. Then use that experience to your goal of Staying Clean.. This is a serious disease . I know cause I have it.
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    I do agree that getting sober is one thing but staying sober is another. I'm not ready for a meeting or church. I think further down the road this may be necessary. I actually did not do pills with any of my friends or anyone i associate with. I got wrapped up in this through an exboyfriend and kinda kept it my own little secret from all my family or friends. Instead of giving friends up, I've actually been working on building relationships with them again, as I pushed them away mostly while using. I used to think nothing was better than sitting alone, as long as I had my pills. What a life... Right? But that is the past, can't change it, just realize I did miss out on a lot, and I don't want to continue to waste any more of this precious life. Only one life to live, and even as it may sound cliche, I want to make the best of it!!

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    Default Day 4

    Day 4: The weathers so gloomy outside today, but on a more positive note it's Day 4. Headache is away for now, and overall feel okay. I'm still working through the emotions I feel. Ive made some family plans to bake cookies with my neice this weekend, love being around her and most importantly being around her without running to the bathroom to get my pill fix and hiding it from her. She's too young to understand, but I know she loves me and looks up to me. I want to be the real role model she deserves. Its scary how much peer pressure is out there and as she grows up, I only hope I can help guide her in the right direction. Not only am I doing this for me, but for my family and friends. They deserve to have Me back.
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  20. #20
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Most of all YOU deserve to have you back!
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    My stomach has been in knots all day, still think the stress and my emotions are working their way through. I was able to eat a small amount. One thing for sure, I didn't feel this way a week ago, and I know it's due to my slip-up I feel this way. I know it's just another reminder...Is it seriously worth it? No, not at all. One night of being high, I thought oh I can handle it. I've gone over 3 weeks now, what's one night going to do?? Well now I know, one night brought me back to Day 1. I don't want to ever have to start over again, it's too much. I'm happy I realized this in one night, and didn't let my slip up continue for days, weeks or even months. Im working on bouncing back from this, and coming in stronger, willing to push forward for me. I deserve this. I deserve to enjoy life and want the BEST for me!!

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    Default Just another reflection....

    One of the things I can enjoy so much about sobriety is the little moments when I can reflect back on the past... One thing I am so proud of is having the money to pay all bills this month. My boyfriend hands me his check every two weeks and I'm in charge of all "our" bills. I've lied about how much electric was, cable, groceries anything just to cover myself to have enough for pills. Allso, I've charged bills to spend the cash on my habit. Goodness... Could you imagine if dealers could take credit cards??? Boy I know they'd be so for that!! I will admit one time I put gas into my dealers car because I didn't have enough cash and at the time I "needed" to get more. No I just wanted to get more. The more I reflect, the more I see how SERIOUS of a problem it was. I always thought well I'm not "stealing", but really I was stealing money because it was going towards things he had no idea about. I also told myself, well it's not like I'm doing "illegal drugs" like crack, cocaine. When really if caught, the pills were just as much as an illegal drug as any. I just made lies to myself daily, the addiction drove me to think "Oh this is okay, you're in control" well I've learned now addiction lies!!! It will make you believe anything to keep giving in, well this time I'm on top!! I'm beating this addiction. No more of living in lies and misery. Time to take control and beat this addiction that has ruined and ran my life for 2 years!!
    Last edited by ready4change12; 01-27-2012 at 06:26 PM.

  23. #23
    monicer is offline New Member
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    Smile

    All I can say " I'm super happy for you". Not only are you clean. You seem to realize the nasty lies that comes with drug addiction. Your growing up to. I'm really rooting for you! I have my demons also. I'm coming off methadone myself. I have a battle a head, but I know I can do it! Take care!!!!

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    Monicer: I do Agree this has been such an eye opening experience and a learning one. I also have learned how fragile a newly sober person is, just because the WD go away, doesn't exactly mean you're in the clear. You still have to work to fight the battle of addiction. I'm learning each day. Every days a new day, and I really enjoy reflecting and I feel I am really starting to understand and see how vicious of a cycle addiction is, but also learning I do have a choice. I can use or I can be clean and keep working towards finding Me again. The choice is up to me.

    How are you feeling? How long have you been coming off methadone? I'll continue to think of you & pray!!

  25. #25
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    Default Fullfilling Day

    Having a great day & evening. Was able to spend time with my niece today baking cookies. The pure Joy and Love I felt today while spending time with her was just wonderful. These emotions are priceless and I cannot even describe how greatful I am to be able to "feel" again. While on pills, I think the addiction plays a trick and makes the addict think "Oh this is the best feeling... Nothing can be better than this..." Well anything and everything is better. I know I felt no emotion. I didn't laugh, didn't cry, didn't truly care about anything. I only felt anxious as I ran low on pills, scared waiting for my pill guy.. Was someone going to see me? And of course irritable, I didn't want to be "bothered". I just wanted to sit alone. What misery. You don't think about it at the time, but looking back this is how I lived my life day in and day out. Hope everyone is having a great weekend... Thinking of you all!!!
    Last edited by ready4change12; 01-28-2012 at 05:25 PM.

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    Just checking in for today. I did look up NA meetings in my area. I was surprised to find there is only one held on Sundays and one held on Thursdays (different locations) They are both 30 mins away. The other days, it's also at different locations, they are about 1hr 15 mins away. My question is... I was thinking in finding a support group through NA, but with the meetings at all places, is this typical? I was thinking they would be at least 2 meetings at the same place or close by area per week? I'm still thinking about when to begin and what to do.

    Overall, I feel pretty good today. Was a nice weekend, and most importantly a sober weekend. Almost one week since my slip up, and I never want to
    Go back to Day 1 again, it was hard. I thought quitting the first time was hard, but the mental battles and emotions I felt all week we so difficult. I'm not saying either of them are easy by any means, but I do understand now what is meant by the difference between getting sober & staying sober. Choosing to look at it day by day helps, I'm working on today, staying sober today is my goal and I'll handle tomorrow when it comes.

  27. #27
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by ready4change12 View Post
    Just checking in for today. I did look up NA meetings in my area. I was surprised to find there is only one held on Sundays and one held on Thursdays (different locations) They are both 30 mins away. The other days, it's also at different locations, they are about 1hr 15 mins away. My question is... I was thinking in finding a support group through NA, but with the meetings at all places, is this typical? I was thinking they would be at least 2 meetings at the same place or close by area per week? I'm still thinking about when to begin and what to do.

    Overall, I feel pretty good today. Was a nice weekend, and most importantly a sober weekend. Almost one week since my slip up, and I never want to
    Go back to Day 1 again, it was hard. I thought quitting the first time was hard, but the mental battles and emotions I felt all week we so difficult. I'm not saying either of them are easy by any means, but I do understand now what is meant by the difference between getting sober & staying sober. Choosing to look at it day by day helps, I'm working on today, staying sober today is my goal and I'll handle tomorrow when it comes.


    When you go to your first meeting ask about others. Lots of meetings exist that you'll likely hear about from the members. Glad you're doing well. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    Had a wonderful weekend. Kept myself busy and had some much needed Fun!! Time to start getting ready for the upcoming week. I'm so thankful I made it through today, another day of sobriety and it feels good

    Thinking of all of you!!

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    Just wanted to check in with everyone... Having a pretty good day today. This morning I was feeling a little down, but after a hot bath, getting ready and getting out in the sunshine I felt much better. Sometimes it's just getting the motivation to get up and get ready is the hardest. I am thankful for another day of sobriety. I have to say after my one day slip-up, I have had no desire to even touch, look for, or even see another pill in my life. I was nervous after my slip-up, and upset with myself but I think it also was another reminder that I do NOT miss that life and it does not bring me happiness. The pills make you think crazy things sometimes, but I've learned now a majority of them are lies. They made me think I "needed" them to wake up, eat breakfast, talk to a friend, eat lunch, drive home from work, relax after work, go to bed. I made every event in my life about pills. They ruled me.. My daily routine was doing pills, anxious to run low on pills, and planning when and how to meet my dealer... Day after day this cycle repeated itself.
    I do feel like I have more time on my hands now that I'm not so occupied with being a drug addict (first time I called myself that, but it's true. While using I never admitted it, but now I can honestly say I was an addict in too deep). It's nice though to have time to actually enjoy life. Each day I'm getting stronger and loving the feeling of gaining control back of my life!!
    Last edited by ready4change12; 01-30-2012 at 05:12 PM.

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    What a beautiful day today!! The sun is shining and it's very warm outside, especially for January (57 degrees)! I'm going to take my dog to the dog park and just spend sometime outdoors I slept straight thru last night for 9 hours. A good nights rest makes a lot of difference, but most importantly waking up and welcoming a new day of sobriety is the best gift of all! Thinking of all my forum friends!!! Xo
    wizz587 likes this.

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