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Outta the closet
Been lurking for a while, finally coming out of the closet, been following Nomoreoxy's saga because its so similar to my journey, got hooked after stomach surgery 3 years ago, spent a year whining to doctors about pain, helped myself to my dying grandmothers pain meds as she had an unlimited supply for cancer, grieved when she died, for the loss of a grandmother, and more the loss of a supply of pain meds. Then did about 6 months on ULTRAM, mom had tons, would give em to me for my aching knee that I blew out in the military, 10-12 a day, (utter hell coming off those), then luckily (HA) wife fell off a horse so I helped myself to my wifes vicoden when she broke her back, cheered when my knee finally blew out requiring multiple surgery's (and eventually a full knee replacement) where my dear doctors showed me the wonders of oxycontin and were more than happy to have me leave the hospital last October taking 4x 60 oxycontin and about 6x-8x vicoden 10/325 or lortabs or what ever they were.
Spent the last 6 months in a daze, didn't even really abuse them, occasionally popping an extra here or there, no problem, docs would refill with a phone call 7 days before it ran out, would tell em I was going outta town, or whatever, they really didn't care, Got sick of it in late Feb when I found myself rooting thru a family friends medicine cabinet looking for narcotics, Told my docs I wanted to quit these drugs, they said fine so I quit CT HAHAHA, on the phone to them next am saying WTF???? got researching, found this site, and came to the conclusion that I was addicted to drugs... Called docs, screamed bullsh.. And got them to get me tapering a bit down to 2 60's, then 2 40's then 2 20's then 2 10's at about a week each, ????ty month really but functional.
Great, now what 20 years retired USAF Spec Ops, Own and run 2 businesses, make more money than I need, 5 Teenagers, New grandpa, 8 horses, 6 dogs, chickens, goats wonderful gorgeous wife. And plenty of shame.
Have never bought from the street, run my business just fine, quite content to sit there and ignore my wife and family and stare at the tube, remember wondering if they knew I was cross eyed, no one around me has a clue, cannot bear to tell them, can only make it right, the number of nights I rejected my wife as she crawled into bed, her looking at me last week, bursting into tears wondering who the other woman was, could not bear to tell her that she had been replaced by a pill.
Well long story short, quit 48 hours ago, been rough but actually feeling fairly good, feels like a fog lifting, finding smells and colors again, real bad night last night, hoping tonight is better, last night I had to jump outta bed out of fear of smacking my wife in the head from thrashing around, done that several times, Drugs meet Wife.... pathetic
It can only get better from here, no interest in finding drugs now, Couple of weeks ago I actually jumped in the wifes caddy to go downtown and find me a dealer, had the glock (just in case) not quite sure why turned around, but dreamed that night about shooting a couple dealers to death behind a strip club, day one I was mulling over calling docs but didn't... Almost went in this am to find some klonidin to see if that helps, took some trazadone last night hoping that would help me sleep, made me annoyingly dizzy when I stood up but that was about it. 46 hours clean, time to make some amends... Just thanking God that I didn't need to lose everything
Didn't do the diet but am taking lots of vitamins and popping a 5 hour energy drink every.... 5 hours, really seems to help... Onward Ho...
You regulars helping us dummies thru this are awesome, amends rule
Brian, you are funny: us regulars helping you dummies through this? I'm not a regular, but once was. How do you think regulars got to be regulars? By going through the same "dumb" things. But thanks for the compliment! Just paying it forward as they say. You are getting to the point of no return, you will make it the rest of the way, you have your mind set on this. Just keep on keeping on and before you know it, it'll be over. Post when you feel like it. Talking it out helped a lot of people on this board make it through to the other side. Everyone's been where you are now at one point in time. Just be glad you realized what was happening to you and be thankful for that everyday.
Last edited by iloerose; 03-29-2012 at 04:20 PM.
Well thanks for the words, and your so right, been my little secret for years, not 1 other person on the planet to confide it, just nodding at everyone, sneaking around and pretending everything is hunky dory, stupid way to run a life if you ask me, but already feel 20 pounds lighter for just even writing it down and unloading it.
Burning in a bit, got the head down chin in chest malaise going pretty good, might just jump in the swimming pool to try and wake up.
All the best - B
I've been there, geez, just nodded out. Actually most people here will tell you been there done that. It's funny in a way, but without this board many wouldn't have gotten clean or stayed that way. Because getting past the w/d is the event, but staying off is the process. The process is getting the nasty little secret out in the open with people who understand what you're dealing with. See your posting on other people's threads and all. That's good. It'll help you meet people and get varying ideas, even opposing ideas sometimes to help you through and help you stay clean.
You really are funny, had me cracking up reading this...
Especially the trashing part were you almost smacked your wife accidentally " wife meet drugs" ...all joking aside though, im sure a part of you feels great just coming clean to yourself....it seems you're a strong person and your mind is made up...i wish you the best of luck ....keep posting , I'll keep reading....i have 20 days clean, I am so glad I got the evil oxycontin monkey off my back, I know you will too, when it's over , you don't have to ever go thru this again, I hope blessings...
Thanks for sharing this. The part about your wife being replaced by a pill really struck me. That must be really hard for you to think about. You must really love her and she is very lucky that you realize this. You will have many opportunities later to make this up to her.
I could relate to your general attitude in regards to being almost "happy" when you had to have medical procedures done. (at least that is the way I read it) I felt that way too at times until I got into pain management and didn't have that problem anymore. It was like, "a terrible cough?! awesome! Cough medicine time!" Now that we are clearer headed isn't it amazing to look back and reflect on the lengths we went to to feed it?
Anyhow, it's good to meet you. I'm new here. I intend on being here for a good while. I hope you do too.
Hi Brian and Welcome!
Funny how all of our stories are the same with a twist of ugly, right? I was a heavy user for 20+ ys (a few clean spurts, not many and not for long in between). I'm usually REALLY wordy and I'm going to do my best to make this as short as is possible for me. Two words, my weapons of choice: I got EXCITED about the prospect of getting clean and being able to look at the "normal" folk without envy for them being able to live their lifes without opiates. Second (actually a phrase) ONE MINUTE (yep one minute) at a time at the beginning. That minute was soon 15 minutes, always telling myself I could give up whenever I wanted to, just wait whatever time I had assigned myself. This was over 2 yrs ago. I've been up to one day at a time and there I suspect I shall remain forever.
Your story of hopping into the Caddy to go on the hunt. My test on day 3 of ct was my dealer (I bought mostly off the street) showing up at my front door and asking me if I was OK because he hadn't heard from me. Yeah, right...am I OK? NOOOOOO! I sent him packing and went to bed and cried.
I thought I had everyone fooled. No one knew of my addiction. That's how off this planet I was. EVERYONE knew. No one knew how to help me and that's because they couldn't. This war was on me and me alone. This Forum and the kinships I formed here got me clean and probably saved my life. I am almost 60 yrs old (later this yr, not there yet!) but after getting clean I realized I had lost 20 yrs of my life. I didn't even know myself. I questioned if I'd even like myself anymore. I knew I used to before opiates. I'm a changed person now. For a while after being clean I was filled with shame and regret and truly thought I'd never get by that. So, now those feeling are mostly gone and have been replaced with a pride that I beat the devil and use that to sustain myself in being clean. I look at myself in the mirror every morning directly into clear blue eyes and take a brief moment to revel in my accomplishment and say out loud, "I will not use today". I can't think about tomorrow. I just know that I won't use today.
OK so this post is too long. My weakness. Should have been a journalist, right? My family runs two businesses too and it's amazing that I didn't deep six both of them with the cash I spent on my habit. We are even recovering there...more hard work. By the way, my Caddy is in my driveway.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).
well, getting thru day 4, whew.....
Getting easier each day, kinda forgot to eat last week and lost about 20 pounds, not good, got off my Imodium saturated butt yesterday and went and got a some of those meal shakes, also that L-Tyrosine from GNC really helps with keeping your chin from resting on your stomach while you walk, Time to start eating right, upon reflection, I have proved that you can live off of Oxycontin, Code Red and McDonald Parfaits almost indefinitely, Might be handy to know if the world starts ending in December but barring that, I am done with that diet.
Actually slept almost 6 hours last night, sweaty tossing turning, leg cramps, but feel somewhat refreshed and no bruises on the wife so that's a start, Time to get outta the house and start getting my life back, Keeping it simple n slow, tick tock tick tock will hit 100 hours this evening. Seeing life differently, no drugs in my system now, few more withdrawals and a couple weeks to let my mushy brain stabilize and home free methinks.
Been researching, oxy makes us feel good, same feel good as sex, great food, thrills etc, that's why we just sit around like a zombie, cause were getting all our thrills chemically. So to help withdrawals, get back to those things and train your body to replace the drugs with its own internal supply, a great piece of chocolate (not that Hershey junk) gives you a little bit of the same feeling as the oxy - Food, sex, excitement, get busy (within reason ) Seems Logical
Consider myself lucky, surviving my self induced punishment, and everyone I know is pretty sure that I just survived a bad bout of the flu. Some minor guilt at their sympathy, the damn sneezing is almost comical, what the hell is up with that? Wife is trying to give me her allergy pills lol
Gonna get out of here today, want to ride my horse, but not quite there yet, trying to say busy and just keep letting the hours tick off, hope I'm thru the worst of it, seems so, brain feels so much better, I was thinking I was getting Alzheimers my memory was so bad, I think the Oxy really does something that screws your short term memory up or something.
Cat, 20+ years!!! Holy Hell, that's amazing, well done! EXCITED describes it, which oddly enough is a feeling that you cannot have while on the drug, can't remember being excited about anything when I had pain killers...
Raven, yea my wife is awesome, amazing how selfish it is to let a pill take away feelings and times that should be shared with those we love. As for the surgery, I think I actually thought, DAMN Full Knee Replacement -- That's gonna be some good stuff!!!
Elyse -- 20 Days, awesome!!! Cannot wait to hit that one
This board rocks, what an awesome sounding board with people "who get it"
Thanks all, and God Bless.
Brian, don't miss out on the support and added closeness that can be yours by confiding in your wife. Good luck to you, it sounds like you are doing great and have the right attitude to be successful.
Way to go! I'm here cheering you on! I'm so proud of you! I wish I had the strength to do what you are doing. I went on subutex and am now in the same dang boat going through all of it again. Although it's only been 31 days since I took my last Oxy and Morphine pills and 30 since I went on the sub. I realized pretty quickly that I don't want to be on that either and wish I had just sucked it up in the first place. I would have been done by now.
The sneezing was so weird. It was such a weird kind of sneeze too, right?! Not the kind that you ever feel refreshed from. It was like an itch that you can't scratch!!
Riding your horse will be awesome when you feel up to it. I felt much better on the 5th day. (Even though Sub helps, you are still physically still going through your withdrawals) I got out to my yard and started weeding and planting flowers. It felt really good. I read about doing things that will naturally help with producing your own endorphins and how much that helps with PAWS. I encourage you to read up on PAWS. Some get it and some don't. I didn't really know about it and my doctor never told me about it either. I just thought that once I was done with the drugs in my body that was it. But there is this whole other process. Your body has to re-set all kinds of other processes that are used to running on opiates. From brain processes to organ functions. This can take awhile.
I was kind of disturbed when I was "done" because I didn't feel. It was a "flat" feeling. Reading about it helped me so much because it helped me understand what was happening and also things that I could do to help such as eating right...excercising...that kind of thing. It can be googled easily. There are also tons of threads out there with first hand accounts out there of people that have been through it. It REALLY helped me to know what was going on. So just a thought there for you at "day 4".
Hooray for you!!! Keep us posted!
Lived thru day 5, progressively improving, many things are quite the opposite of what I expected, I HATE NIGHTS!!!, the tossing, turning, leg cramps, sweats, it all sucks worse than I thought it could. Days are way better though and that’s a huge plus, functioning fairly normally again, probably even better than when I was using, still have a bit of that blah feeling, but hey, it’s a feeling. I remember thinking when I was using that real life could never be so relaxing as this but truth is, real life rocks. Pounding Vitamins and water, dumped my 200 ounce Code Red Mountain Dew Habit, just trying to stick with coffee n water, will work the caffeine addiction later, last thing I want right now is a splitting headache.
Another Day, another Hour, another minute
Hey Brian-- Good to hear you're getting there! For the RLS try gatorade or Restful Legs (walmart) some health food stores have this as well. Sleep usually is the last thing to come. Just keep on keepin' on. Day, by day, by day!
Im rooting for you, you're such a trooper! You sound strong like a bull! I know you can do this, don't forget the finish line of freedom will be there soon for you to touch....i know it's hard to go through the process, but once you're done , its over , you'll start feeling better soon you're such an inspiration ....keep posting and keep you're sense of humor cause you have an awesome one!
keeping you in my thoughts ,