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My Private Hell Fentanyl & Diaudid
  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Default My Private Hell Fentanyl & Diaudid

    Hi guys, I've been lurking for a while so here's my story. I broke my hip about 2 years ago. Had hip pinning surgery. It was very painful and was introduced to Fentanyl and Percocet. About six months ago I found out that I needed a total hip replacement because my hip bone died. More pain, more pills.

    So 3 months ago I had my hip replaced and was given dilaudid and bigger fent patches. I found out that I really liked dilaudid so much so I began snorting everyday. I also liked chewing the fent.

    Long story short, I didn't like the person I was becoming so I stopped the fent on January 1 after weaning down for 2 weeks. I was VERY sick for about 10 days but I could still take dilaudid as needed (12mg per day). I'm also doing the Thomas Recipe without benzos.

    Today decided to stop the dilaudid after weaning down to 4mg per day. My last 2mg. was 12 hours ago. I read the withdrawls are short, but super intense. Well, I'm having a really tough time. Feel like I'm dying. I'm so close to taking another 2mg. I'm really trying to go CT but don't know if I can. Wish me luck.
    Gray

  2. #2
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Caved in

    Just took 1mg. after 15 hours. Feeling really sick. Can't eat, very nauseous. This sucks

  3. #3
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Just took 1mg. after 15 hours. Feeling really sick. Can't eat, very nauseous. This sucks
    Hi Gray

    I was on that Fenenal in the hospital and I had a button to just push and it would emply into my body...granted I had just had back surgery. I am not too familirar with either of your two fixes more than that, but I just know about my own hell that I have experienced in the last week. I am hours away from Day 7 and I still can't shake it, but knowing that this is going to be over with and I will have my life back, is keeping me going like no other. I am definetely an addict by definition and I know more and more that this was going to kill me if i didn't stop.

    I am no expert, but what I did was just stop cold turkey and viewed the withdrawls as pain/hell leaving my body. These moments of clarity are simply amazing and having all sorts of emotions is what life is all about.

    Hang tight man, it isn't going to be easy....but you have two decision, and you know which one you need to make to get what you had before, back!

    Stay glued to these message boards....they really help.
    amberwish likes this.

  4. #4
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Just took 1mg. after 15 hours. Feeling really sick. Can't eat, very nauseous. This sucks
    Hi Gray

    I was on that Fenenal in the hospital and I had a button to just push and it would emply into my body...granted I had just had back surgery. I am not too familirar with either of your two fixes more than that, but I just know about my own hell that I have experienced in the last week. I am hours away from Day 7 and I still can't shake it, but knowing that this is going to be over with and I will have my life back, is keeping me going like no other. I am definetely an addict by definition and I know more and more that this was going to kill me if i didn't stop.

    I am no expert, but what I did was just stop cold turkey and viewed the withdrawls as pain/hell leaving my body. These moments of clarity are simply amazing and having all sorts of emotions is what life is all about.

    Hang tight man, it isn't going to be easy....but you have two decision, and you know which one you need to make to get what you had before, back!

    Stay glued to these message boards....they really help.

  5. #5
    Anonymous Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Schaff25 View Post
    Hi Gray

    I was on that Fenenal in the hospital and I had a button to just push and it would emply into my body...granted I had just had back surgery. I am not too familirar with either of your two fixes more than that, but I just know about my own hell that I have experienced in the last week. I am hours away from Day 7 and I still can't shake it, but knowing that this is going to be over with and I will have my life back, is keeping me going like no other. I am definetely an addict by definition and I know more and more that this was going to kill me if i didn't stop.

    I am no expert, but what I did was just stop cold turkey and viewed the withdrawls as pain/hell leaving my body. These moments of clarity are simply amazing and having all sorts of emotions is what life is all about.

    Hang tight man, it isn't going to be easy....but you have two decision, and you know which one you need to make to get what you had before, back!

    Stay glued to these message boards....they really help.
    Schaff: Thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot. The last day has been a living hell. I am trying to do this hour by hour but the thumping in my chest combined with restless arms, naseau, headaches, and Huge Amount of irritability is almost overwhelmingly. I forgot to mention that I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. Whats that about?

    I'll post more later but right now I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.
    Gray
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-14-2012 at 11:00 PM.

  6. #6
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Schaff: Thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot. The last day has been a living hell. I am trying to do this hour by hour but the thumping in my chest combined with restless arms, naseau, headaches, and Huge Amount of irritability is almost overwhelmingly. I forgot to mention that I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. Whats that about?

    I'll post more later but right now I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.
    Gray
    Morning Gray.... I hope you held up ok last night.

    I know what you mean about wanting to jump out of your skin, it is the worst. I am finally at Day 7 and it is true, you do feel better by Day 7. Yesterday was a little tough dealing with all my emotions that I haven't dealt with in so long and the cold sweats hit me pretty good in the afternoon.......But I am still light years from where I was just 7 days ago.

    nothing can describe the hell you go through, but i somehow remained focused on the fact that my own hell was just leaving my body, which is why it hurt so bad coming out. Around day 3 you will start to get these brain zaps of clarity.....those kept me going. I knew I was not able to feel anything on the pills, and I just wanted to feel again and be alive. It is such a moving expereince getting your senses back... I tear up just thinking about it right now. HANG IN THERE BUDDY and POST AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.... Nobody here is going to judge....and it just feels good to get it out there, even if it on a message board.

  7. #7
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Schaff25 View Post
    Morning Gray.... I hope you held up ok last night.

    I know what you mean about wanting to jump out of your skin, it is the worst. I am finally at Day 7 and it is true, you do feel better by Day 7. Yesterday was a little tough dealing with all my emotions that I haven't dealt with in so long and the cold sweats hit me pretty good in the afternoon.......But I am still light years from where I was just 7 days ago.

    nothing can describe the hell you go through, but i somehow remained focused on the fact that my own hell was just leaving my body, which is why it hurt so bad coming out. Around day 3 you will start to get these brain zaps of clarity.....those kept me going. I knew I was not able to feel anything on the pills, and I just wanted to feel again and be alive. It is such a moving expereince getting your senses back... I tear up just thinking about it right now. HANG IN THERE BUDDY and POST AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.... Nobody here is going to judge....and it just feels good to get it out there, even if it on a message board.
    Hey Schaff, I used a ton of benadryl last night to sleep but I woke up every half hour anyway. Or maybe I really wasn't asleep cause I feel exhausted.

    I've detoxed off of percs twice last year and this time it feels worse. Maybe the fentanyl isn't out of my system, or I'm tapering too quickly from the dilaudid. I only tapered for about a week and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong?

    Right now I'm super sensitive to any sound. I wish I were in the middle of the desert all by myself. I'm starting to get angry at what I did to myself and my loved ones. Yesterday I yelled at my 10 year old son. I NEVER, EVER yell at my kids. I'm so ashamed.

    I hate my life. That's the truth.
    Gray

  8. #8
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Hey Schaff, I used a ton of benadryl last night to sleep but I woke up every half hour anyway. Or maybe I really wasn't asleep cause I feel exhausted.

    I've detoxed off of percs twice last year and this time it feels worse. Maybe the fentanyl isn't out of my system, or I'm tapering too quickly from the dilaudid. I only tapered for about a week and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong?

    Right now I'm super sensitive to any sound. I wish I were in the middle of the desert all by myself. I'm starting to get angry at what I did to myself and my loved ones. Yesterday I yelled at my 10 year old son. I NEVER, EVER yell at my kids. I'm so ashamed.

    I hate my life. That's the truth.
    Gray
    Gray....I feel your pain my man. I know that feeling... I was disgusted with myself as well and if you can just find it in you to stay strong and let the HELL leave your body, you will soon feel again. You simply have to view it as hell leaving your body....and once you get through it, things will turn out ok. I too yelled at loved ones, but it was not the real me, it was my addiction. Humans forgive, but you first have to forgive yourself for all that you have done. I cringe at what you are going through, but if you can JUST give it another week, I promise you will feel and see the light. For me, I have never felt such a strong hatred for my disease and it is good that you are doing that also bc it can prevent you from you using again. I don't know about the taper thing, as I just did this CT. It is awful, but I can feel again...and it is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced.

    Hang in there...just hang in there. You have two choices and you know which one you need to take.

  9. #9
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Stage ll

    I'm going into what I call the fatigue stage. The hyper-anxiety feeling is subsiding and now it's a chore just to breath, lift your arms, talk to family, eat, etc.

    While this sounds crazy, it's a welcome feeling as opposed to the anxiety, chesting pounding feeling I had for the last 24 hours.

    I can deal with being the walking dead. Anything but that dammed chest pounding. Anything.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-15-2012 at 11:38 AM.

  10. #10
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Messing with me

    I keep think about the Beatles song " I'm so tired". And then I think , wait a minute I have a ton of dilaudid right next to me. I could pop a nice 8mg and feel like superman.

    But if I do that I remain in this perpetual world of nothingness. I don't want that anymore. I need more than nothing. I just wish the drugs weren't screaming so loudly.

    I hope it gets better soon. I'm all alone with no one but this board and this freaking iPad. It's all so crazy.

  11. #11
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Hit the nail, I hope

    Afer my last post, I decided to start listening to the "White" album.

    Just finished "ob li di". Listened to "Dear Prudence 3x. I'm crying. I never cry. Ever. (When i broke my hip, I laughed). Tough guy syndrome.

    The lyrics are speaking to me. I've definitely have taken too many drugs. I haven't listened to music in months, maybe a year. I don't know. I never heard the notes when I was high.

    All I know happiness is a warm gun. Joking.

    But I will say one thing I'll say, I'll give God everything for alittle piece of mind.

    I'm I losing it?

  12. #12
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Afer my last post, I decided to start listening to the "White" album.

    Just finished "ob li di". Listened to "Dear Prudence 3x. I'm crying. I never cry. Ever. (When i broke my hip, I laughed). Tough guy syndrome.

    The lyrics are speaking to me. I've definitely have taken too many drugs. I haven't listened to music in months, maybe a year. I don't know. I never heard the notes when I was high.

    All I know happiness is a warm gun. Joking.

    But I will say one thing I'll say, I'll give God everything for alittle piece of mind.

    I'm I losing it?
    Wow Gray....I did the same exact thing. I sat and listened to music on Day 2-5 and it really helped me. Crying is not something I did either before this, but lately there has been a ton of it! Music is soooo theraputic! Dude, you have the will, it is there....just be strong!
    I have been talking to everyone I know in AA and LUCKILY my business partner is just having guys call me out the blue and I am not affraid to talk to them. These boards will help you tremendously, but you need to reach out to people. Humans want to help, that is one of our gifts! I just didn't know it bc i was in such a haze! Hang tight brother, I just wish you could experience all that I have in the last week....but you soon will. I had those gun thoughts too....but wipe it out. Know you can beat this and you have an AMAZING life of freedom out there, you just have to let it out of your body. Try to stay out of your head.....just fight fight fight!
    Melissa B likes this.

  13. #13
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Can't think

    Schaff, I love who you are. If the world had more folks like you.....well you know.

    I'm feeling super sick. Anxiety, chest thumping is trying to return. What the F?

    I'm listening to the "The Killers". I LOVE The Killers. They wrote every song about me. LOL.....

    ????, feeling like azz.....I hate me, but love something. I just have to remember, remember what I love.

    Please god.

  14. #14
    Anonymous Guest

    Default This is how I feel

    From The Killers:

    When there's nowhere else to run
    Is there room for one more son
    One more son
    If you can hold on
    If you can hold on, hold on

    I'm SO close to poping a dilaudid. But then there's more nothingness. How fair is that? One little white pill to make me stop from going crazy. But it offers nothing in return but death and destruction. That truly sucks.

    I'm tired of me.

  15. #15
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Puking, vomiting

    I just threw up, plus lots of dry heaves. I just slung rocks at the riptide and lost.

    Taking some D.

    Bye for now.

  16. #16
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Not yet

    Chrst, it's really indie rock n roll for me. Taking it, not taking it. The two of us. It's all I need.

    But not yet. F the drugs. Ok I said it.

  17. #17
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Football?

    Watching Greenbay vs. Giants. Fun thing is I haven't watched football in years.

    So here's my score card. I've taken a grand total of 1mg in the last 12 hours. So now CT begins.

  18. #18
    Anonymous Guest

    Default My hip

    Here's something I haven't talked about - post surgical pain. My >>>> hip (as I call it) has been screaming in the last few days. Is it withdrawls, it is real?

    Well if it's the former it's no biggie. But if it's real pain, then what? I don't have an answer for that one. But I guess I'd rather deal with pain then addiction.

    BTW, what's up with the non stop sneezing? I'm talking about sneezing 100 times a day

    God bless me. (Someone has to say it).

  19. #19
    Anonymous Guest

    Default I swear to god

    I was just in the bathroom and I looked down and saw a strip of fentanyl. (I used to cut up strips to chew). I thought for a good 2,3,4,5,6,7 seconds about chewing that sweet piece of heaven. You know just to help take the edge off. Sorta makes twisted junkie sense after being sick.

    Instead I yelled for my wife and told her to flush it.

    I couldn't make this up.
    Gray
    Last edited by ddcmod; 01-16-2012 at 01:13 AM.

  20. #20
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Here's something I haven't talked about - post surgical pain. My >>>> hip (as I call it) has been screaming in the last few days. Is it withdrawls, it is real?

    Well if it's the former it's no biggie. But if it's real pain, then what? I don't have an answer for that one. But I guess I'd rather deal with pain then addiction.

    BTW, what's up with the non stop sneezing? I'm talking about sneezing 100 times a day

    God bless me. (Someone has to say it).
    Gray! I have been out all day and I come back to this!!! I just went and talked to a guy that has been in the program for years, he gave me my big book, I am going to my first meeting tomrorrow morning at 7am. I know that is WAAAAAY to much for you, because when i was in your shoes last weekend, I wanted none of it.

    BRO, you just have to hold on man...just hold on! I was sooo there, but you just gotta hold on. I know you want to jump out of your skin, I know every single second is HELL....but you have to focus on the fact that HELL is leaving your body and hang on. You have to understand that the next week is going to give you the rest of your life back.

    My back was KILLING me the first few days of detox...but then all of a sudden the pain was cut to tolerable. I hate driving or sitting, I would rather be laying down all the time.......but I swear if you just hang tight, you will see that the meds just make it worset. Physically and mentally, they just numb you. I am just speaking of my experience here...and I don't really know ????...so maybe you physically need the meds. i have two racing stripe scars down my back and four 3 inch pins stuck in me.....and I am feeling FINE. I had my surgery almost 4 months ago.

    Let it out on these boards man....I did the same thing who cares if nobody responds. YOU GOTTA JUST HOLD ON during this. read these boards for as long as you can take it.... just understand you are not alone.

    WE ARE LUCKY MAN, we have the will to quit without gettin tossed into a 30 day rehab. Just fight the fight and you will see the light.

    I still have the chills, but only moderately......I ask you agian, do you want to live in hell for the next week or for the rest of your life? Maybe you need to go in and have a medically supervised detox. What do you think? What is your situation? I am not a doctor.....I just know what has worked for me. Maybe Robert or somebody else can chime in.

    HANG ON.


    You have shown enough strength to get this far, and for me, that was the hardest part.....just deciding I want to quit.

  21. #21
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Hope springs eternal?

    Scaff my man. No rehab for me. I hope I make it.

    Before I broke my hip bike racing, I never touched opiates. I used to be tough. Crazy tough. Can't let a little thing like drug abuse kick my azz, now can I?

    For the first time, I'm seriously thinking of spinning the pedals again.

    Pain is temporary, glory is forever.
    Gray

  22. #22
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Scaff my man. No rehab for me. I hope I make it.

    Before I broke my hip bike racing, I never touched opiates. I used to be tough. Crazy tough. Can't let a little thing like drug abuse kick my azz, now can I?

    For the first time, I'm seriously thinking of spinning the pedals again.

    Pain is temporary, glory is forever.
    Gray
    Gray, what state are you in? i just a visual that you are here in SunDeeeeago.

  23. #23
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Schaff25 View Post
    Gray, what state are you in? i just a visual that you are here in SunDeeeeago.
    I wish Scaff. I loved riding/training in Cali. But that was many years ago. I'm in NYC.

  24. #24
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    I wish Scaff. I loved riding/training in Cali. But that was many years ago. I'm in NYC.
    darn... I was going to send a few guys over! My bike has been collecting dust but is waiting for me once I get better! are you hanging tight? It is late now out there, but you may still be up.

    Just finsished the first 43 pages of the AA book...by definition, I am definetely an alcoholic, I just haven't drank nearly as much since I found the pills. EVERYTHING the book has said thus far has completely hit home and I know this is for me. Since coming off those pills almost 8 days ago, i have had true spiritual awakening. I know that may sound stupid to some, but kick the habit and you will see!

    "How dark it is before the Dawn!"

    That was on page 8 of the big book, it totally brought tears to my eyes. I am more of a tough guy, so for this to happen is just moving.

    I have my first meeting at 7am, so you probably won't hear from me til tomorrow after i get into work. Hang tight bro!

  25. #25
    Anonymous Guest

    Default More of the same

    I had a horrible night. Super anxious again, vomiting. I thought by now it would get easier. It hasn't.

    I don't know what to do

  26. #26
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Bye for now

    Im taking a break from the boards. Take care everyone.

  27. #27
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Schaff25 View Post
    darn... I was going to send a few guys over! My bike has been collecting dust but is waiting for me once I get better! are you hanging tight? It is late now out there, but you may still be up.

    Just finsished the first 43 pages of the AA book...by definition, I am definetely an alcoholic, I just haven't drank nearly as much since I found the pills. EVERYTHING the book has said thus far has completely hit home and I know this is for me. Since coming off those pills almost 8 days ago, i have had true spiritual awakening. I know that may sound stupid to some, but kick the habit and you will see!

    "How dark it is before the Dawn!"

    That was on page 8 of the big book, it totally brought tears to my eyes. I am more of a tough guy, so for this to happen is just moving.

    I have my first meeting at 7am, so you probably won't hear from me til tomorrow after i get into work. Hang tight bro!

    Schaff, if there's anyway to email I'd love to be in touch? You've been great. Taking a break for a bit.

  28. #28
    Schaff25 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gray51 View Post
    Schaff, if there's anyway to email I'd love to be in touch? You've been great. Taking a break for a bit.
    just send me one there and then i can give you my real email address. send it soon.
    Last edited by ddcmod; 01-16-2012 at 10:04 PM.

  29. #29
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Schaff25 View Post
    grayharper92@gmail.com

    just send me one there and then i can give you my real email address. send it soon.
    Just replied buddy.

  30. #30
    Fentyful is offline New Member
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    Default Have been there, maybe can help

    God I know how horrible withdrawals can be. Only a person who has experienced them can truly appreciate it. I may be able to help by telling you my personal experience for combatting them. Something I found over the counter, that has so far been safe for me. This is not a gimmic or scam. I'm just a chronic pain patient who found themself physically dependant on these wonderful yet horrible little things called opiates. Wonderful because they take the pain away at first so you can function and live life, horrible because eventually as most chronic pain opiate users find out they stop working and or take over your life. You can get your life back and YOU DON"T HAVE TO SUFFER, that's optional. And know I'm not talking about getting you addicted to another opiate buphenorphine, that many will swear is the only or best way to get off opiates pain free. There is no hundred percent pain free method, sooner or later one will have to pay the price....but like I said, I found a way that helped me tremendously kick the pain meds, and yet function as a normal human being. Let me know if I can be of assistance, either way good luck and will keep you in my prayers, Melissa

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