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Married to an Addict
Hey everyone. I'm looking for some support or advice on how to go about my situation.
My husband was using vicodin for about 3 years (15-20 a day) and then got on suboxone (which he used) for about 2 1/2 years. He recently got off cold turkey on Nov. 21 he was clean up until Feb. 2...he was telling me about how his mind is just not leaving him alone and cravings and how he doesn't feel the same. He claim to feel down, no energy, depressed. I offered to get him help, encouraged him to keep going. I don't know what hes feeling and can't understand thats why i suggested he talk to people who did.
Instead he went the other route and was doing his research on prices and sellers. Now he is taking Norcos 750mg. He just started and a week later he finished 20 already. I see this going nowhere good. We have 4 kids, he lost his job in Oct but we were leaving on our savings. I find it SO SELFISH of him to spend money when he knows we are on a budget. But again try to have an addict understand hes selfish.
I'm torn completely I love him. He tells me to be supportive in anything he does, remember for better of worse. I think of my children and how I want them to have a father in the long run but he sees nothing but his addiction right now. He claims that taking this pill makes him feel useful, energetic, a pick me upper. Please any kind of feedback would be appreciated. I feel alone and have no one to talk to or that understands. Thanks
Wish I could help but I am a lot like him but I have made up my mind I am done with this game I have been on pills for 4 years I have lost a lot to thim I can now see that and do not wont to stay like this he will have to make up his mind he can live with out them I know that can be done I have my wife has had all she can take and I wont her more than the pills hope he can get in his mind he does not need them and move on
Originally Posted by brokenwife27
I too am married to an addict. I feel so much the same as you do. we have 2 kids. He is supposed to be checking in at a place right now as I type this to get an assessment or something. He wont go inpatient and Im scared if he is outpatient he will just go back to this old ways.
we also have kids, 2. and I am scared of going down this road, yet again. Im really torn about staying with him bc i do love him, for better or for worst, but also the risk of a relapse is go great and we have kids...i mean it gets worse every time. more sneaky, more stealing, more all that. one day there could be police or some crazy dealer knocking at my door. I just think of that and think of that risk...to me it is too great.
Here is my struggle. I have made peace with leaving him, do i want to -no, but I feel like I have not choice. What I am worried about is when to tell him. I mean he is in day 2 of detox. I dont want to mess up his rehab by telling him i want a divorce. but i dont want him to have false hope that if he is clean (for now) I will stay in the marriage. I am meeting with a counselor to seek advice, but would appreciate any from anyone on how to tell him and when. Do i wait until he is clean for so long or just do it now and let him get clean for himself and for the kids, not our marriage. that was the deal last time...didnt work
good luck to you. i would like to keep chatting as we are both wifes of addicts, wtih kids.
R u divorcing him cuz u fell out of love? Do u no longer have hope? How long has ur husband been an addict for? My husband stopped prior to this time for 4 months then relapsed. He too did the outpatient n didnt work. But who's to say it won't work for yours. Any who loves themselves n their family's n is ready n wanting to stop can do it. No one said it's going to b easy. When my detox at home for a month 2 weeks it was HORRIBLE. He was looked like a zombie. I feel angry for having us go thru this n then goes back like nothing. Regardless nothing I say or do matters or will change his mind. Do I keep fighting him abt it n b unhappy or just b happy n try not to think abt it? I wouldn't b able to forgive myself if something happened to him. If we didnt have kids this wld b much easier bit I feel I have to b the voice of all of them since they r clueless but I want to make sure they have a dad in the long run. His dad died from drugs when he was 12. my r 9,4,2,1
i feel like i have to divorce him sometimes. i am unhappy. and i do also feel like i could just go one and "pretend" like everything is fine. i mean ive been doing that the past 2 years and then just fight all the time about money coming out of our joint checking account, literally every other day. Im scared of relapse. Im scared of the tarnished image that has already happened at our kids school. I just want to start over sometimes, clean and fresh. I want him to be a big part of our kids lives (9,7) and I am not "mad" at him for being an adict. It breaks my heart, very much. Im so sad these days. I feel like i have no hope. if i leave him I will be alone and lonely and miss him so deeply. and if i stay am im just enabeling him to fall back and then do this all again. Im literally sleeping with my purse and have changed bank accounts. I do not trust him. I dont believe him when he says he is goign to the gas station or whatever. He hs not done that yet, since this all hit the fan last week, but do i want to be my husbands wardon? Not really. I dont think ill ever truely be able to let my guard down and just be happy, open my heart again and just trust him. I dont see how I can after all this. while i first found out about thsi 3 years ago, i can remember back at least 8 years of me questioning missing pain pills. after the first time i foudn this out, he stopped for a few months he said and then started back up again. stealing from friends and family, no one even wants us to come over...breaks my heart and i feel very trapped.
I am sorry for you, its not your failt that he is like this. Addicts are great at lieing and manipulating. The moment you expressed concern was the moment you opened yourself up to lies. I have met very few recovered addicts that get clean for someone else. Most of them need a shock to their way of life. They either have to hit rock bottom some other way or be smart enough to see it inevitably coming, some get arrested and get court ordered sobriety. My wife told me i had a problem for years, but i was a functioning addict who paid the bills and did what society expected of me so my wife had no leverage. I decided for myself to quit and when i did, i quit for good, i suffered through wdraw and knew that i never wanted to go back. I alo realized that my wife was right all along.
My husband has been taking pills for at least 10 yrs now. He just admitted to me a few weeks ago that he feels like he has a problem, but doesn't know what to do. I suggested that we talk to his pain management doctor, but he said it wouldn't work because "he needs the pills, because of his pain". But if the pills aren't helping the pain then why continue to take them??? I know I have been enabling him for a long time simply by turning the other way. Selfishly I haven't wanted to confront him for fear of him getting mad at me and threatening to leave. We went through a battle 4 yrs ago and I almost lost him (because of another woman); I didn't fight like hell back then just to lose him now; so I've kept quiet. Not the wisest choice on my part and I know this. I've watched money disappear, I've watched him lie to me and others, I've seen him come very close to over-dosing and each & every time I get a little more angry, a little more lost, and a lot more lonely. A couple of years ago I did tell him that I was concerned and he would get angry with me and yell, saying he didn't have a problem. He is in pain management for a back problem, but he over takes those and when he runs out (which he does every month before the next appt) he has "friends" that supply him with what he needs (wants, because we all know he doesn't "need" this). We have 3 teenage boys, and thankfully they are not aware of the problem. He keeps his supply in his truck so I don't have access to them. This past weekend we went out of town with some friends and he was late getting home for us to leave (we had to wait an hr for him) He finally called me and said that he had loaned our neighbor 20 of his hydros and she was getting hers filled and was going to give them back to him and that is why he was late. This was on Friday afternoon. On Saturday night, while he was in the shower, I checked his bag and he had already taken 14!!!!!
I am angry, frustrated, tired and saddened by this whole thing. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this and I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore either. If he wants to be this selfish as to neglect us and our family for a fruitless high... then so be it. I guess. I don't ever want his children to know about this side of his life or to know that their father didn't have the energy to go places or do things with them because he was too messed up on pills. They won't be living with us forever and when they are out of the house he can't get that time back... so why would he waste it just for some temporary feeling? I just don't understand that mentality. I get that it's an addiction, what I don't understand is, at what point did he tell himself that we (his family) weren't important enough anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent I have no one I can talk to that really understand the frustrations of living like this.
Last edited by ddcmod; 03-07-2012 at 02:08 PM.
have your husband look into Kratom as an opiate substitute. If he wants to get off the pills, this can help him naturally deal with withdrawal and maybe act as a cheaper alternative that might inspire him to find the courage and strength to quit for good.
at the end of the day, be grateful that he can talk to you about his problem. i'm currently detoxing/WD'ing from Hydrocodone and my wife has no clue. i'm tired of stealing from my own wife and daughter...no more pills for me!
Your husband will not get better until he wants to with all his heart. He can't do it for you he has to do it for himself. I don't think it's going to matter when or how you tell him, its going to hurt. The only one who knows that you've had enough is you. Kids should not have to grow up around addiction, its just not fair. You might want to try nar-anon, they are pretty helpful. I am going through the same thing myself and I have 6 children, 4 under the age of 10. It stinks, but I have been married for 23 years and I think I have been more than patient. He is always going to have a problem and I can't take another day of wondering if he's high or if he's coming home. I can't fix him but I can fix me. Taking it one day at a time. Prayers are with you.
Loving an addict I believe is far worse than actually using. I have struggled for the past 4 years with my cocaine addicted husband and after schooling and work with substance abusers, I finally realized something....I am the victim. Something very true that I carry with me and always chant in my mind is "Addicts do not have relationships; they take hostages!" I have learned to love myself again and want what is best for me. Something we all forgot about was "US". Why fight for something that is bad for you or killing you as well. Best thing to do is like the old saying, If you love something set it free, except the part where it will return. If you chose to allow them to return after several years of recovery, then so be it. But only the addict can want and do recovery. You have to remember that the loved one using does not love you, they have a new love and the only thing they love...drugs. Save yourself the pain, destruction and hurt and set them free. Their life becomes yours and you staying allows them to choose your path for you. The whole meaning of hitting rock bottom means not having you to fall on either.
I am so sorry, but it is time to let go and let God. You cannot allow your children or yourself to be part of this anymore. Only the addict can recover. This is out of your hands. I wouldn't say this to you if I had not gone through it myself. No one says you divorce them, but separation is a good idea. And do it legally so that you are not held financially responsible for his mistakes. Addicts are selfish and only care about one thing, more drugs. Do this for yourself and your children. Don't be the enabler. They truly have to hit rock bottom and do not allow them to take you with them. Your in my prayers and I know where you are coming from.
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