I'm ashamed to say that I'm even back in this situation.....

[dsac6060]

Hello all,



I am sure most of you remember me as a was an avid member on here during my entire suboxone detox and taper. After being clean from the end of March thru May, I'm back here again. I decided to try using an oxycodone 30 one day for fun which I dont even know why and look where I ended up, even worse than before. Before recently, I got close to doing 5 oxycodone 30's a day. I decided to wake up and realize I needed to stop.

When I quit before, I had saved my suboxone as a reminder as to what i had to experience. Basically, I remember the entire taper process but obviously its always nice to have support and hear peoples stories. The day I inducted myself on July 7th i used 4mg of sub.Below is my day to day suboxone taper:

Day 1: 4mg
Day 2: 4mg
Day 3: 4mg
Day 4: 4mg
Day 5: 3.5mg
Day 6: 3.5mg
Day 7: 3mg
Day 8: 2.5mg
Day 9: 2mg
Day 10: 1.75mg
Day 11: 1.5mg
Day 12: 1.5mg
Day 13: 1.25mg
Day 14(Today): 1.25mg

The only reason I had to use suboxone is because I have a newer job and I cannot miss and go through full blown C/T withdrawals. So I apologize again for letting you down. You inspired me before and gave me the proper guidance to get through this before. I need your help once again! So far I've been okay doing this type of taper....I've only been on the Suboxone for 14 days, now, so I want to utilize the process to its fullest. I dont want to be on this stuff again like I was for 4 months.

Honestly, I don't want to be on this ????, just trying to minimize the WD's and have heard that short tapers may be very very effective. Please message me back with some info as to what to do, as I know you have had all type of experiences on here helping ppl with their Sub tapers.

I still have suboxone and I really dont want to plan on going to the doctors again, bc those sub doctors are an ABSOLUTE JOKE!!!!

FYI: ANYONE WHO QUITS AND DECIDES TO DO A FEW DRUGS HERE AND THERE DON'T .....ITS SO EASY TO GO BACK WHERE WE STARTED AND SOMETIMES FORGET HOW HARD THAT PROCESS OF QUITTING WAS.....PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT!

[lifewrthlivn]

Welcome back!!! Takes great courage-i know very well-not here at this forum but definately w/ owning up to relapsing- I relapsed after only 7 mos clean for what was the worst 5 weeks of my life-yep thought "once" would be okay-had surgery, had a plan, didn't follow it thinking I could "cheat" get away w/ getting high just one more time...cheat myself into mysery is what I did-but for me was just the kick in the pants I needed to get real serious about my fatal disease of addiction and truly made me ready to go to any length to get whatever that "it" was I saw in others-didn't really know much about subs-basically the murmering about a drug is a drig is a drig in the rooms of NA-i don't know if I would've used it to detox or not but not knowing I had an option I went cold turkey...again vowing to never take that first pill again...fast forward 3 yrs and facing another surgery I knew even if some1 else held and dispensed my pain meds once they hit my body it's just throwing that lit match in a pool of gasoline-for me if that tiger wakes up its running and roaring full speed ahead-staying in the hosp min 6 wks wasn't an option, otc not an option so making what truly thought a "good" move and thinking was protecting my sobriety I sought the care of this "addictionologist addiction specialist" who came highly recommended by several in recovery and according to her higher credentials and exp and knowledge treating recovering addicts-especially in areas of pain management, mental health and such than few in our country-even took my "people" w/ me to the appointment and all were on board w/ the plan-so I wasn't exposed to my previous doc (which was basically the strongest narcotics I could con...ummm... Get various dr's to prescribe-ranging from roxy, fentanyl, morphine-you know the drill-full agonist narcotics)the wonder drug I was to take...suboxone! Yep chose to stay on for pain management, after a year was tired of spending money that cld be used in such better ways and wanting to know what my real unmedicated pain level was I slowly tapered myself down to .5-long story but got mixed up on dose, ran out and decided I'd go back to the "dr" just "one" time to get an rx and complete the taper-basically bought into the whole riga marole and resigned myself that I'd use it forever-and followed exactly as prescribed which increased and increased reaching get this---40mg-one 8 mg strip 5 x's a day-rarely managed to take that much daily just bc that requires a lot of time lol and at such high doses would miss a scheduled dose or 2 and made no diff duh!!! Had no plans to quit-didn't see a reason as honestly believed it had no effect on me other than pain mgmt (which I very much question now if it did!!?? And think the reason I had such pain when I tapered down wasn't due to being on less sub but rather a flippin wd symptom! Again duh!) Anyway seriously stumbled upon this Godsend researching in an effort to support my dr's request to start--you'll love this---a support group for people in recovery...using subs!?! Oh boy talk about an oxy moron!! Anyway this sight opened my eyes and it was extremely hard to accept that in fact the very medicine I started taking to avoid relapse...I HAD relapsed and was currently using!!!! Has been quite a ride my friend! Am currently tapering-re inducted Thur @ 2.25mg after getting "stuck" @ 12 mg. Reason I shared all my looong background is to reassure you that relapse can and does happen! This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful...and deadly! You made it back-relapse? Yep addicts sure can do that-many are professionals...err chronic revolving door never quite "get it" YOU made it back! That's rare and outstanding!!! I know very well every felling you speak of and commend your courage for coming here and being honest and reaching out-obv this format is anonymous-you chose to be honest-that is huge and shows how serious you are! Sure know for me the ol "1 is too many a thousand's never enough" is sooo true! I remember before I went through my 1st horrendous detox and strung 2gether enough days to reach 7 mos I'd go through the tapering attempts, give up go ct make it a few weeks at best then call the doc bc really thought I could use "just once" HA but I remember my husband looking @ me one such time when I'd white knuckled it a few wEeks then went back w/ full intention of taking one (HA 1 just ticked me off and got me poppin em by the handfull seeking that feeling...just once)and I had used one day-mind you that one day was probably 6-8 oxy 80's trying to get that feeling "just once" and I was starting to go into wd and he says "wow don't you ever think about the wd B4 you take a bunch of pills?" Welll no bc I never once took that 1st one intending to use enough, long enough to exp wd!!! For me I HAD to learn to play the tape through. Early in recovery after the relapse my sponsor had me write a story-it's the story of me basically planning my relapse-sounds hinky but it helped me soooo many times when I had the thought I could use "just one" or I hurt bad and will use just to treat that then I'll get rid of them-weird as it sounds I would get that story and read it and I'll be darned if I couldn't find those exact words and way of thinking at the beginning of my story-then I read the rest of the story-i never decided it was worth using for whatever great justification...err reason I started my story with by the time I reached the end of it. I know is corny but it really was a tangible way I could see what would happen-as time went on it wasn't necessary to get it and read it-i learned to play the tape through to the end on fast forward and found myself having those thoughts less and less. Sure wish my story had included using subs after surgery and see how that ended!!! However I do think those who are lucky enough to make it back after a relapse-me anyway I should say-don't regret it bc I grew through it-yet always know I sure have another relapse in me...don't think I have another recovery in me! I don't know if you own the basic text of NA? If so I really have gotten a lot from reading and re reading the part re relapse and medication. I get a lot from the literature though so maybe that's just me. I prob won't post again on ur thread bc try as I may I do not know how to write properly-that is to the point and not a novel-so I won't take up ur thread but I will follow ur progress if you choose to post as I am tapering and get a lot frm reading of others experiences. You CAN and will do this-you've proven that! I know when detoxing it doesn't seem it but the easy part truly is getting clean-most of us have done that many many times-hard part is staying clean huh!! So...you know the taper drill it seems-this is a question 2 answer yourself-u dnt have 2 respond 2 me-but what is your plan to stay clean?!? I know 4 me when I was exp physical wd I'd say if only I didn't get sick...if I could snap my fingers and just b clean and wd free I'd never use again...until I did...again and again-i hope you aren't a slow learner like me! Eh so relapse is now part of your story too-up to you what the next chapters are-so far I like your "writing style" Thx so much for having the courage to share!!! I'll be following...silently I promise and will go back and read your previous posts so I really get to "know" you as I cheer you along...silently
Sorry I don't have any advice as I know you were looking for some from the old timers here but just wanted to say can sure relate to the "just one" and know the courage it takes to admit a relapse and how bad it stinks going through detox...again when you really thought the last time would be your LAST time and you're not alone in that one-i'm there too...again. Please forgive yourself so you can start seeing it as the opportunity for change that it is-and give yourself some credit-you did something that takes more courage than many have!
Really intended to hop on and make short and sweet and say welcome back-i can relate-and trust me you did NOT let anyone down! You are an addict-you used-nothing rare about that-being honest and making it back? Now that is a rare victory! I would guess Robert will tell you how proud of you he is and give you the guidance you're seeking-that is when he returns-he will be gone about a week from what I hear-he's enjoying a little "vacation" (go check the title under his screen name and you'll see what I mean)just wanted to let you know that he is in contact w/ members here and may have an opp to kind of communicate w/ you that way but if not I certainly didn't want you to read into him not responding to you right away! (And in his temporary abscense I think we should spend the time making "Robert for president" and "I <3 Robert" buttons and such! But seriously imo he deserves soooo much for all he does and the many many lives he's saved and touched-but you KNOW what he'd say bout that: the glory is God's! I do share his opinion that God works miracles...through him! So something else you and I have in common-members of the Robert's Da Man Club!!! Relax, quit beating yourself up and save that energy for the fight that lies ahead kid! Glad you made it back!!!

[DDAVE45]

[deleted - swearing]

[dsac6060]

Yea man, I know....terrible. But at least I realized what was going on and took the initiative and stopped. I have been good now since August 8th. Its a vicious vicious cycle my man and I hate that I went through this so many times.

Hope all is well with you my friend! I think I'm still going to that Tough Mudder on the 20th in Englishtown, are you? Im glad to see that you commented on my thread even though it was 2 months later lol.....

[DDAVE45]

glad to hear your back on track man..... You know its not worth it ....it is a vicious cycle if you let it be.... your to good for that. Try not to put youself in situations where you know your gonna be tempted or offered to use. The longer you stay clean the easier it gets.
Yea im still doing the tough mudder....im signed up for sunday though. You should def do it if you paid already. Keep in touch man... ill be checkin again

[DDAVE45]

hey dave............did u run it?

[dsac6060]

Yeaaaaa that was intense but fun.... My girl and 6 friends did as well lol. How did u make out??

[DDAVE45]

yea man....def intense ......im still kinda sore. Thats cool that you did it though ...def something youll never forget