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I just hate myself...
  1. #1
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Default I just hate myself...

    I've made it to my 72hr mark and have no real physical issues to report. I have a quiver in my left upper arm and a slight low back ache and I feel blahh. So nothing major but the irritability had just set in to the fullest. I'm irritated even to get out of bed to go to the bathroom! This is just aweful! Why am I feeling this way??? How long does it take to pass??? I fell like the worst mother in the world! Before when I was taking my meds my house was clean my kids were cared for everything seem fine. Now I'm on my 3rd day clean and I'm hate mysefl! I hate this person who yells at my 7yr old because she didn't answer my question fast enough (this is not her fault) I hate that I don't want to get out of bed! I hate that I don't even want to change my PJs Ive been in for the past several days. I just hate me....hate me to the point I wonder is this even going to get better or is the real me I covered up with pills??? How can I have minimized the physical part of WDs but there is nothing (short of getting more perscrition meds) that can help with my mind set. I just want this over and done and Im scared now this is the person I have become for good. Please help me. I want to be that mom I was when I had my pills (just without the pills) if that makes sense?

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    Girl: Just wanted to respond and let you know it does get better! You have to remember addiction is a disease, and your body is going through many changes. I too had more difficulty with the way I felt mentally and the emotions I felt, but I can promise you this... There is light at the end of the tunnel and remember if you decide to give in and start using again, it will just put you back to Day 1 all over again when you have to start over. I know its not easy, but just remember to take it one day at a time. Another forum friend explained it to me that way and it really helped. My goal today is to not use and welcome another day of sobriety. Do not try to worry about Tomorrow, you can take care of tomorrow when it comes.
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  3. #3
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Default Thank You

    I don't want to go back to taking the pills.....I know this for sure! I made sure I had all the pills out of my house and made sure I couldn't get another scrip so that I could do this right. I'm just scared this is the real me now. I just want this irritibility to go away and I don't know what to do to help the process. Like I was able to find supplements to ease the physical discomforts of the WDs. Is this part of the process? What have other people done to combat this??? I have two small children and I want to be their mother again......without taking a pill. Thank you for the support. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    girl ....... How long did you use and how much? You have to realize you have a price to pay for your past choices. Expecting instant gratification is what gets us addicted to these pills to start with. If you didn't do this for too long in too high of doses you'll start feeling better on about day five.. Then every day will get better and better. Hope that helps. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Oh thank you Robert 325 for responding. I should be greatful that I wanted out of this situation early and not later but it still frustrats me! I've been using since last Sept....so 16 months give or take a week. I was taking Vicodine 7.5/750 the last couple of months up to 10 pills a day so approx 75mgs of Vicodine over the past 6 weeks....before that is was 5/500 Vicodine maybe 5 pills a day and before that my Dr. had me on percocet 4 pills a day not sure the dose but think it was 5/325. I strated out just once a day with the pills but after 6 surgeries and 5 days in the ICU for bleeding after surgery I slowly worked up to more and more and here I am 16 months later. I'm happy I got past the physical part with little symptoms....I swear that is due to the supplements but this mental thing is just aweful and I can't find a supplement to help. I'm already taking St. Johns Wort once a day. I'm now past the 72hr mark so if 5 days is the turning point for the mental part then I should be feeling it soon but when I got clean in Nov for 8 days I still remember the lack of motivation even on the 8th day. I know I didn't get here overnight but I just feel like a horrible mother because I snap so easily. It feels like this is howIi will stay....I feel no happiness just irritation.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    Oh thank you Robert 325 for responding. I should be greatful that I wanted out of this situation early and not later but it still frustrats me! I've been using since last Sept....so 16 months give or take a week. I was taking Vicodine 7.5/750 the last couple of months up to 10 pills a day so approx 75mgs of Vicodine over the past 6 weeks....before that is was 5/500 Vicodine maybe 5 pills a day and before that my Dr. had me on percocet 4 pills a day not sure the dose but think it was 5/325. I strated out just once a day with the pills but after 6 surgeries and 5 days in the ICU for bleeding after surgery I slowly worked up to more and more and here I am 16 months later. I'm happy I got past the physical part with little symptoms....I swear that is due to the supplements but this mental thing is just aweful and I can't find a supplement to help. I'm already taking St. Johns Wort once a day. I'm now past the 72hr mark so if 5 days is the turning point for the mental part then I should be feeling it soon but when I got clean in Nov for 8 days I still remember the lack of motivation even on the 8th day. I know I didn't get here overnight but I just feel like a horrible mother because I snap so easily. It feels like this is howIi will stay....I feel no happiness just irritation.



    Try to get as much exercise as you can to help get your natural endorphine production going. Also try some L-Tyrosine (500mg caps) with vitamin B6. It will help with your energy too. You should be able to handle up to 1000mg or two caps a day just fine. You can find them at most vitamin stores. Please let me know if they help. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Thank you Robert 325. I've been on that for a week now and the B6 for a month along with Magnesium and St Johns Wort. I'm in the Army so I assure you I get plenty of excersise....lol. Running 7 miles 3 x a week along with 2 days of gym time for 1 1/2 hrs per day. I've been in for 7 years. That's why I scared now this is the way it'll be now. Like my mind had been altered. I'm just so frusterated.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    Thank you Robert 325. I've been on that for a week now and the B6 for a month along with Magnesium and St Johns Wort. I'm in the Army so I assure you I get plenty of excersise....lol. Running 7 miles 3 x a week along with 2 days of gym time for 1 1/2 hrs per day. I've been in for 7 years. That's why I scared now this is the way it'll be now. Like my mind had been altered. I'm just so frusterated.



    Thank you for your service to our country. You've got to cut yourself a little well-deserved slack! You've only been doing this reccovery program a short time. You're working out like a wild woman! You're doing healthy activities. And you've been through a lot in a short time. I promise that if you stick to your current activities that in a relatively short period of time things will change drastically for the better for you. I am totally confident of that.

    Have faith! You obviously have courage and are determined. I have no doubt you will be a success story and regain your life as you want to. You will remain in my prayers, you have all of my respect, and if there is anything I can help you with, questions I can answer, don't hesitate for a second to hit me up! Thank you again for all you do for me and mine and I am here for you in any way I am able. God bless.
    Suboxowned likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Thank You Robert 325. I'm not working out like a mad woman because I want to ....lol.....it's the Army way. I have to because thats what they make us do....not just me but all of us. Thank you for your words of comfort. They mean alot to me. I almost wish I was deployed because then I would be busy enough to take my mind off this minset I have due to these stupid pills I was taking. I'm happy to be past the first 3 days but just wish my mental status would improve. I hate being irritated...it makes me feel bad and my day goes bad. Thank you for th eprayers. You are very helpful. I know I'm doing everything I can, so its a "hurry up and wait" as we say in the Army.

    PS. You would be a great asset to many Soldiers because so many are addicted to pain meds. I can't tell you how many I know have have died from overdoses. That scares me the most! One more reason for me to stay off them pills! I don't want my heart to stop like the last person I knew who was addicted and left behind a 2yr old boy this past Oct....even after she went through a 3 week rehab.

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    AlmostHome is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    Thank You Robert 325. I'm not working out like a mad woman because I want to ....lol.....it's the Army way. I have to because thats what they make us do....not just me but all of us. Thank you for your words of comfort. They mean alot to me. I almost wish I was deployed because then I would be busy enough to take my mind off this minset I have due to these stupid pills I was taking. I'm happy to be past the first 3 days but just wish my mental status would improve. I hate being irritated...it makes me feel bad and my day goes bad. Thank you for th eprayers. You are very helpful. I know I'm doing everything I can, so its a "hurry up and wait" as we say in the Army.

    PS. You would be a great asset to many Soldiers because so many are addicted to pain meds. I can't tell you how many I know have have died from overdoses. That scares me the most! One more reason for me to stay off them pills! I don't want my heart to stop like the last person I knew who was addicted and left behind a 2yr old boy this past Oct....even after she went through a 3 week rehab.
    I found that alot of deep breathing can go along way when you are about to loose your temper. Close your eyes,mbreath in as deep as you can, 1, breath out as far as you can 2, Stop when you get to 10. i found this technique very helpfull. One thing that is very important to remember, this is the result of a chemical imbalance and it will pass. When I was going through this I thought that this was the sober me shining through and i couldnt have been more wrong, after you are all done, you will find yourself more able to deal with negative emotions of all kinds.

    Hang in there, you have a rough couple weeks ahead, but keep your perspective, you are fighting for your life and the only way out is through. I wish you the best.

  11. #11
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlmostHome View Post
    I found that alot of deep breathing can go along way when you are about to loose your temper. Close your eyes,mbreath in as deep as you can, 1, breath out as far as you can 2, Stop when you get to 10. i found this technique very helpfull. One thing that is very important to remember, this is the result of a chemical imbalance and it will pass. When I was going through this I thought that this was the sober me shining through and i couldnt have been more wrong, after you are all done, you will find yourself more able to deal with negative emotions of all kinds.

    Hang in there, you have a rough couple weeks ahead, but keep your perspective, you are fighting for your life and the only way out is through. I wish you the best.
    Thank you again AlmostHome. its comforting to know this isn't the "real" me yet! Honestly I snap before I even realize I'm doing it. Plus, I'm impatient hence the irritibility. I'm a few hours short of the 4 day mark, so only time will tell.

  12. #12
    Kitten-NY is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    I've made it to my 72hr mark and have no real physical issues to report. I have a quiver in my left upper arm and a slight low back ache and I feel blahh. So nothing major but the irritability had just set in to the fullest. I'm irritated even to get out of bed to go to the bathroom! This is just aweful! Why am I feeling this way??? How long does it take to pass??? I fell like the worst mother in the world! Before when I was taking my meds my house was clean my kids were cared for everything seem fine. Now I'm on my 3rd day clean and I'm hate mysefl! I hate this person who yells at my 7yr old because she didn't answer my question fast enough (this is not her fault) I hate that I don't want to get out of bed! I hate that I don't even want to change my PJs Ive been in for the past several days. I just hate me....hate me to the point I wonder is this even going to get better or is the real me I covered up with pills??? How can I have minimized the physical part of WDs but there is nothing (short of getting more perscrition meds) that can help with my mind set. I just want this over and done and Im scared now this is the person I have become for good. Please help me. I want to be that mom I was when I had my pills (just without the pills) if that makes sense?
    I commend you for making the decision that you deserve better. Don't beat up on yourself, withdrawal takes time and you made the first step, which was to quit. I would make sure that my family understands how difficult it will be in the beginning and try to cut you some slack. No one is perfect.

    Also consider drinking alot of grapefruit juice and rinsing with the red colored lavoris. Exercise and a journal help alot too. Feel confident that you are on the way and making strides step by step.

  13. #13
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kitten-NY View Post
    I commend you for making the decision that you deserve better. Don't beat up on yourself, withdrawal takes time and you made the first step, which was to quit. I would make sure that my family understands how difficult it will be in the beginning and try to cut you some slack. No one is perfect.

    Also consider drinking alot of grapefruit juice and rinsing with the red colored lavoris. Exercise and a journal help alot too. Feel confident that you are on the way and making strides step by step.
    Thank You Kitten-NY. I'm now at 101hrs and doing good today. excercise is never a problem for me....the Army makes sure of that! My family does not know about my issue, nor will I tell them. My kids do cut me slack, I'm their mother after all. Today is a better day. I'll post what tomorrow will be as I get there.

    Thank you!

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    nobby02 is offline Member
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    Has anyone heard the latest about B6 being illegal by the FDA. Can't find the link but I think it is pyroxidimate, my b complex has pyroxidine so it not that?

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    cryin out is offline Member
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    That b-6 info has not come by me yet, and I get lots of health stuff sent to me online, but if something somes along I will get back with you.

    Girl, it takes time, and you are doing great. Today is my 33 day and I still dont feel quite like I was, but getting close. I found that things come in waves. A big better day then kinda flat a few days then another big better day than before then flat a few days, etc.... so we are getting better each day but dont really notice for a few days past each change we can tell.

    With your service strength, I know you can do this! The biggest thing I want to share is to not be discouraged when you dont feel right for a little while. You will feel better, everyone says it and its true. But because we feel off, the days seem longer to us sometimes, and can make us feel discouraged, but it will be better and better and better. L-tyrosine made me to edgy, as anxiety was one of my symptoms, so I personally could not do that amino acid, so I did multiple, minerals, drank herb tea alot, ate oats and anything supportive to the nervous system, took vitamin d and ACE and selenium as I had some ear problems that needed healed.
    No matter what I took, I did not feel like me, but it did help, at least we are getting some nourishment back which is so important to keep going. The true healing comes with time from my own personal experience, so again, dont be discouraged with yourself. Wishing you a great week of feeling much better!!! you will

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cryin out View Post
    That b-6 info has not come by me yet, and I get lots of health stuff sent to me online, but if something somes along I will get back with you.

    Girl, it takes time, and you are doing great. Today is my 33 day and I still dont feel quite like I was, but getting close. I found that things come in waves. A big better day then kinda flat a few days then another big better day than before then flat a few days, etc.... so we are getting better each day but dont really notice for a few days past each change we can tell.

    With your service strength, I know you can do this! The biggest thing I want to share is to not be discouraged when you dont feel right for a little while. You will feel better, everyone says it and its true. But because we feel off, the days seem longer to us sometimes, and can make us feel discouraged, but it will be better and better and better. L-tyrosine made me to edgy, as anxiety was one of my symptoms, so I personally could not do that amino acid, so I did multiple, minerals, drank herb tea alot, ate oats and anything supportive to the nervous system, took vitamin d and ACE and selenium as I had some ear problems that needed healed.
    No matter what I took, I did not feel like me, but it did help, at least we are getting some nourishment back which is so important to keep going. The true healing comes with time from my own personal experience, so again, dont be discouraged with yourself. Wishing you a great week of feeling much better!!! you will
    Thank You Cryin Out, i'm already on day 5 and that one day was really my only bad day. I feel 85% now in less than a week. I know it's the Army that got me to this point....stupid PT....lol! Plus the supplements were exactly what I needed. All is good for this day anyway. I'm sure I'll have my ups and downs, after all I'm human in a stressful job as a single mother....who wouldn't have ups and downs....lol???? Thanks again!

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    Girl~ Congrats on Day 5! You have come so far in just 5 days. It's unbelievable sometimes how much you begin to realize is changing and you reflect on how much pills changed you. You are also def right about having ups and downs. Sometimes I would have a great day, and then feel not too much energy and emotional the next. I had to accept this was part of the recovery process. Keep up the great work You can do it!

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ready4change12 View Post
    Girl~ Congrats on Day 5! You have come so far in just 5 days. It's unbelievable sometimes how much you begin to realize is changing and you reflect on how much pills changed you. You are also def right about having ups and downs. Sometimes I would have a great day, and then feel not too much energy and emotional the next. I had to accept this was part of the recovery process. Keep up the great work You can do it!
    Thank You ready4change! I wouldn't be here if I didn't set myself up to win this war to start with by having the pills gone and stocking up on the supplements. Onto day 6 now.....

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    AlmostHome is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    Thank You ready4change! I wouldn't be here if I didn't set myself up to win this war to start with by having the pills gone and stocking up on the supplements. Onto day 6 now.....
    Girl, i knew you would be fine from your first post, it is just a matter of time for you. How is your mood doing?

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    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlmostHome View Post
    Girl, i knew you would be fine from your first post, it is just a matter of time for you. How is your mood doing?
    Doing good I'm past the 6 day mark now and feel pretty good. My sleep if off and making me a little irritated but I fixed that today (well we'll see tonight).
    I had to get a new bottle of Melatonin because I didn't read the back of the new bottle I bought and it's coupled with B6 so I was getting double doses of B6 and it was giving me to much energy.....so i'm not resting well.

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    AlmostHome is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by girl80902 View Post
    Doing good I'm past the 6 day mark now and feel pretty good. My sleep if off and making me a little irritated but I fixed that today (well we'll see tonight).
    I had to get a new bottle of Melatonin because I didn't read the back of the new bottle I bought and it's coupled with B6 so I was getting double doses of B6 and it was giving me to much energy.....so i'm not resting well.
    Honestly, it took a while for me to be able to lay down and go to sleep, i believe it is the longest symptom. My wife was getting mad because i was always falling asleep on the couch in the evening, but couldnt sleep in bed, so i would end up watching tv or catching up on work until i passed out at like 3am. On days where i had to sleep a shot of nyquill did the trick, if it was a weekend, or i had a late meeting i would just suffer through it. I found it frustrating because i would be yawning and tired at like 10 or 11 but as soon as I would lay in bed I would be awake. If you can sneak in a few hours here and there then its not so bad, after about a month you should be back to normal.
    Last edited by AlmostHome; 02-06-2012 at 01:22 PM. Reason: fixing typos (stupid ipad)

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