I want my life back.

Dec. 9, i took my last perc. I think i did it purposely. Sat. I was miserable and by 5 Sun. morning, guess who was in the ER? Let me back track.

I am new here. I have chronic mygrains due to orbital sudo tumor. I've had joint pain for years due to Sickle Cell Trait and i need a double knee replacement. So the pain is real. The bs I put myself has got to be unreal.

Anyway, The ER told me to follow up in 3 days with a doctor and gave me a small supply of norco. I had a refill prescription dated the 15th but it was the 13th and the 15th was too long to wait but I tried. However, by Wednesday, I was dehydrated from the trips to the powder room and I was aching and miserable. I wimped out and got an urgent care follow up. I didn't even wait to get home. I gulped the 10/325 percs down with coke in the pharmacy. I didn't even hear my 5 year old nagging for $40 worth of ornaments and wrapping paper I didn't need. I bought them just to get her away from me.

So how do I stop? I can't do the withdrawals by myself. I did the hot baths, the warming blanket, the BRAT diet. I can never last more than 36 hours. i'vetried. I feel like ???? because I birthed twins so why can't I do this? i want, no I need my life back.