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Here I am again...
  1. #1
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Default Here I am again...

    Man here I am again. I've been a opiate addict for almost 10 years. No surgery, car accident, broken bones, e.t.c. I just like the high. About 4 months ago I quit cold-turkey from a $2000 dollar a month habit. I made it through detox. Somehow and promised myself I'd never return. Then after the high from not being high wore off and I found myself bored,tired with no motivation that's when I went and bought 5 10 mg lortabs for $25!. Man I felt great much like the first one I ever took. Well slowly or maybe not so slowly I went right back to my $50 a day habit. I don't know what to do I dnt have that damn I got to stop feeling! But I know I have to I found myself last night when I should have been sleeping getting ready for work I waited up all night for 5 pills and then used pill I.d. to discover I been took and only received 5mg pills instead of ten mg I was so mad. I knew that wouldn't do so here I am at home I took 15mg today and am now out again with only a hundred dollars in pocket. I'm so afraid that instead of using it to feed myself and family I'm desperately searching for more. This is horrible I have family to enable me as soon as I get more I can go ask for.money to live on. I know what's right but this addiction is bigger than me I want off but don't want to withdrawal and don't want to lose mu 'superman' abilities

  2. #2
    numbOne is offline Member
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    Think about this, make it your mantra next time you want to pick up:

    This habit of yours will never get better, it will only get worse.

    I know the feeling you describe very well and can promise you that i am right. Belive it or not, working out and pushing your body gives a great natural high. It's hard at first building up, but the more more you stick with it the better you feel.

  3. #3
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thank u for the advice I've been setting on my phone hitting the refresh button every 5 minutes its nice that someone cares. I'm not in great shape I'm 30 years old been smoking for 15 years I'm am big and strong but fatigue easy ill start with something though my job however is quite the workout I'm a commercial journeyman elect. Being in such a fast paced trade the pills have always gave me that edge and I'm afraid ill lose that if I stop especially with most the people I work with is using some kind of speed or opiate to keep up I'm scared ill lose my job but I know I can get another just very scared and anxious

  4. #4
    numbOne is offline Member
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    The more distance you get between you and the drugs you will be surprised how life opens up in ways you might never have considered - you could be doing something totally different in a few years.

    The guys plowing through work on the false energy from pills - what happens at the end of the day or when script is out? for every peak there is a valley, for every high a low.

    If you lose a job, that's a time for family support, not to feed your addiction. Getting off will take strength, conviction and your resolve will be tested. Make the decision to take control of your life and stick with it - Good things are sure to come - it's a promise.
    notime, 1badhabit, toni.s. and 2 others like this.

  5. #5
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks I think I'm ready to Start this fight again. My family deserves so much more! I make decent money. and am a smart Guy I want so much more for my Wife of 11 years and my 5 yr old daughter. I hope it doesn't sound horrible that I'm thinking of buying some pot. It helped with w/DS before and it. would take only enough mnoney to keep me from being able to purchase more meds.If I looked for benzos I'd find what I don't want. I know it is all illegal but zmuch less of an offense I want this I want a better life I've ruined my credit and live in a overpriced rental driving a used car because of repos I really want to go in my own business and have planned to acquire the license I need to do so. I don't know how to do anything else I'm aware I'm probably going to have to make a job change to get away from it but not necessarily my occupation I know what I want I just have to get past my want for these highs
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  6. #6
    numbOne is offline Member
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    There are other ways of getting through, and if what you wrote at the end about wanting to get past wanting highs is real - finding another high is not a positive step.

    Being stoned is alot easier to manage than a pill addiction, and if you really feel that is what you need, then use it as a crutch for a week until you are on your way and sleeping better - but any drug is going to cloud your thoughts and block you from realizing your full potential.
    1badhabit likes this.

  7. #7
    zabko is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by numbOne View Post
    The guys plowing through work on the false energy from pills - what happens at the end of the day or when script is out? for every peak there is a valley, for every high a low.
    I was one of those guys plowing through work on false energy from pills. And I can certainly attest, the peaks get shorter and the valleys get deeper over time.

    Eventually you feel like you need it to function or to give you that extra boost over your colleagues. You don't, inner drive and strength and the will to succeed in anything comes from self-determination and desire. The only self-determination and desire that opiates will give you are to go out and find more opiates. It's a vicious downward spiral.

  8. #8
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Again I appreciate the encouragement I know what's got to happen I just feel so damn sick of the inner struggle I have had with this I did alright last night but I was lying on couch this a.m. and a friend came by I didn't buy anything but did accept a 30mg morphine for free and I hate that I've felt okay all day when I know the higher powered opiate is the only reason I've even been off couch. This is so freaking hard I don't want to let anyone down that has come to expect so much like my boss but it feels like that's going to happen anyway I'm to the point I can't get up without one and I've been through it before I know it will start to get better after a week or so I hate this

  9. #9
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    You're right, it is so freakin' hard. I have been right where you are at, and like numbone and zabko said, the hole just gets deeper and deeper. I know exactly what you mean: You've got to make it through and get some clean time under your belt. You really sound like you don't want anyone to know. There are people here, caughtagain, comes to mind, who did quit, went to work, etc. and has managed to stay off without anyone knowing. Does your wife know what you're going through?
    Letting people down? If you keep up with your addiction you will surely let people down. I don't mean to come down hard, but you better think about getting this down. You're my sons age and I tell you, I'd do, as his mom, whatever it took to get him out of the spot you're in right now. YOU CAN DO THIS and you have to do this for yourself and that wife and kid. You are not letting anyone down but yourself, us addicts can get pretty self destructive. I know you hate this. I hate to see anyone suffer this. I hated it the times I went through it. GET IT DONE! YOU are an addict not a bad person, don't get wrapped in the guilt trip about letting people down.
    Is there anyway that you could do NA? You need some support and you are getting some here. You might want to read some of the stories on the other forums.
    Check on you later!

    Peace,

    Iloerose
    Last edited by iloerose; 08-08-2012 at 08:21 PM.

  10. #10
    zabko is offline Member
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    As iloerose says YOU CAN DO IT 1badhabit. I told work I had a bad flu and I missed only one day, but it allowed me some time to not be "myself" in the office until I started feeling better.

    I actually think being at work can be a positive thing during w/ds if you have the power to get there and aren't TOO sick. It takes your mind away from the w/d even if only for brief moments and helps pass the w/d time quicker.

    You can do it 1badhabit, from what I've seen you're taking opiates with short half-lives (compared to methadone or suboxone), you could easily take a long weekend of 4-5 days and you'd probably be feeling much better by the end of that and able to work afterwards, especially if you started tapering down beforehand. There is even labor day coming up in a few weeks (assuming you're in the US). Taking a long holiday weekend is perfectly normal in the workplace, people need to recharge their batteries. Your case may be a little more extreme but the same principle applies.

    Good luck and God Bless.
    iloerose and ohithurts like this.

  11. #11
    NoMoreLies is offline Member
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    As great as the high may feel, it's a road that will only lead to terrible things in the end. It's just not something you can sustain for your whole life, you have to find something else to give me pleasure in life. I know how hard it is, but at some point you just have to do it. Good luck to you.

  12. #12
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks again to everyone. I'm having a time of it I have went almost nuts worrying about it.I want to be me again and not live life at 175mph!! On the other hand I feel bad even writing this when I got up and took a 10mg this. morning I'm having stomach problems already just from trying to cut back I had 3 yesterday and it kept me from being sick but still haven't been 'high' like the days I take 8-10 I am trying I went cold Turkey last time took 12 the last day and then flopped for about 4 days I think it was easier not knowing what to expect than now knowing what's coming. Thanks everyone this is definitely helping

  13. #13
    numbOne is offline Member
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    Try to be more systematic in your approach. Because so many have been through this before, try to work at it in ways the odds are more in your favor - that's a scheduled taper. Your mind willplay tricks on you if you are just cutting back here or there. Look up taper schedules and and make daily goals - as zabko hinted at, labor day is just around the corner, you could taper down and jump THAT w/e!!

    You will feel so much about yourself w/o the addiction holding you back - guaranteed!

  14. #14
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Like numbone says you can't get off these pills going willy nilly to avoid symptoms. If you want to taper fine. But plan it. Rule of thumb is to reduce 25% every 3-4 days. Unless you really make a commitment you will not get over this. I c/t'd off of 10-12 10mg. lortab after taking them for almost 10 years. You just need to buck it up and get over it. You are going to sick and feel bad for a few days. Is a few days worth the rest of your life? You bet it is. Tapering usually is the I don't know, I'm scared of getting sick, I don't know many people who successfully tapered something that they enjoy doing so much. Google the Thomas Recipe, drink gatorade, water, etc. GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW. YOU CAN DO THIS! JUST HANG TOUGH.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
    Last edited by ddcmod; 08-10-2012 at 03:31 PM.
    ohithurts and OneDayAttaTime like this.

  15. #15
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks I took this week off and just quit this morning. As you guys might have been able to tell tapering isn't going to work because I just want more So I've leaped Been a really rough day. But want my life back my girls deserve it also my phone is probably going to be down this week ethanks to purchases over weekend but I always liked going out with a bang! I'm sticking to it even if I gotta tie my legs down to sleep I'm gonna do this I'm so sick of having dreams and no money. This is the last year that my old boat is sitting in garage all summer I have lived on a small lake my entire life and haven't fished for 6 years I'm so done with this I make decent money but spend half my check every week on these dumb pills Just gotta get through this detox and start over I'm doing this for me but also for my family I'm finally done but not dead ready for a fight
    OneDayAttaTime likes this.

  16. #16
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Hang tight man you can do this dog

  17. #17
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks bro I made it through a night of hell about 5 hot showers later woke up this morning things have eased a little hopefully today will be a lil better day my legs have calmed a bit my blanket soaked with sweat. I'm doing this

  18. #18
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    You can do this the worst part should be over in about 3-4 days don't give up we are here Dog

  19. #19
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks bro I'm going to do this it is rough and a lil emotional which I don't like but know its got to be done

  20. #20
    zabko is offline Member
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    You can do it 1badhabit stay strong! After 72-96 hours you should start to see some real improvement in my experience from short-acting opiate withdrawal. Try to keep yourself busy and mind occupied as much as possible to pass the time. Sit in the hot tub the entire time if you need to.

    Soon your life will be yours again! God be with you.
    "To measure up to all that is demanded of him, a man must overestimate his capacities."

  21. #21
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    I'm trying guys. I'm not giving up but damn I thought day one was tough I'm having a horrible day 2 keep telling myself tomorrow will be easier

  22. #22
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    You will even out. You're probably in the rough stuff now, but it'll soon be over and then you can live the rest of your life with your life and little girl, maybe teach her how to fish Hang tough, you will be there.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  23. #23
    shybaybe2003 is offline Senior Member
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    just do whatever you can to hang on to today and not use. Sometimes that all we can do, if were doing everything else right, sometimes all we can do is hang on. dont worry about tomorrow, how your gonna feel or nothing. Tomorrow is another day. just say it out loud " I am not going to use TODAY. " And keep we have to go through this pain to get to the light of sobriety. IT IS SO WORTH IT. Slow and steady, breathe and dont use.
    1badhabit and zabko like this.
    Clean and Sober as of 4-25-2011

  24. #24
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks everyone I really appreciate it this is very helpful to know people care that I don't even know. I gotta get off these things

  25. #25
    shybaybe2003 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1badhabit View Post
    Thanks everyone I really appreciate it this is very helpful to know people care that I don't even know. I gotta get off these things
    it seemed like it took me forever to get clean, or should I sy stay clean. I was on this forum for 2 years moaning and groing and being completely crazy before i finally realized I HAD TO DO IT. I am sure people lost their faith in me. I sure did. I felt i would be one of those people who just would not be able to STAY clean. i enjoyed pills too much. well, i thought i did. towards the end of my using the pills were really physically and mentally messing me up. i was having panic attacks when i was high,then i would have them when i tried to stop. it all evens itself out though once you get clean and STAY clean. but your doing it!
    Clean and Sober as of 4-25-2011

  26. #26
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    I'm still alive I'm gonna make it just trying to keep my head up but yes I've had severe panic attacks for a few years now deep down I knew it was the pills whether panicking while high or when searching for more
    Last edited by 1badhabit; 08-14-2012 at 07:04 PM.

  27. #27
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    By the way I accidentally hit the "!" Button on someone's post I was reading hope it didn't mess anything up meant to hit "like " oops

  28. #28
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    1bad, try and look at it this way. The worse you feel just know that this is your body throwing off all this poison. Usually day 3 and 4 are the worse from narco wd,s. and don't be surprised if your mind creates a psychosomatic pain of some kind. It just wants you to feed it more opiate. This is usually the case with someone who has been taking or started taking for pain related reason. So you may not experience this. Just saying. But yea man, just know that your body is tossing this junk out. Hang tough brother. Lots of folks pulling for you here.....SD
    OneDayAttaTime likes this.

  29. #29
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    I really want to sleep this sucks ready to cut my legs off and hit myself with a frying pan fixen to hit shower for the eighteenth time wish I could sleeping in it

  30. #30
    1badhabit is offline Junior Member
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    1:00a.m. this is hell but I know it has to run it's course I want me back I want sleep back uuhh. How can I be so freaking tired but can't sleep...

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