First time poster, looking for encouragement...

[OneDayAttaTime]

So, here's a shortened version of my story... Several years ago I was injured in a major car accident. Due to my diagnosis I was prescribed pain meds. They wanted to put me on morphine but I refused. They gave me dilaudid and I wouldn't take it. Basically I just tried to do the "mind over matter" technique for quite sometime. For a long time it worked.

Then, I decided to try the percocets they were now prescribing me. WOW what a difference they made in my day! (at first...) I felt wonderful!! I could clean my entire house, whip up dinner for my family, and finally run errands around town :) I was so excited!! I never have taken more than they prescribed me, usually much less actually. I am new to this possible addiction/recovery so I am still wondering if I am/was truly addicted, or if I just felt better because of the medication? I do tend to be a hyperchondriac so maybe I am not really an addict but trying to convince myself I am?? Or that could be actual addiction talking! Hahaha!

Anyway, Over the past couple of years my marriage has deteriorated which made me depressed I am sure. However, some might say the pills could have been making me feel depressed?? I don't really know how depressed or addicted one could get from a 5/325 mg percocet taken 4 times a day... Anyway, My medication use did not increase during the bad points in my marriage, it sort of stayed the same. But at some point I did find myself carrying my pill bottle everywhere I went, pretty much taking the medication around the clock to avoid the pain. I didn't want my pain to kick in at all (before, I used to just take one when the pain came).

I have over time noticed my mood deteriorate and I became less efficient at some point :( Not sure again whether that was from being depressed about my marriage or the medication? I just lost that excitement and drive somewhere along the way. I didnt want to put on make up, get dressed out of my pajamas, cook, clean, nothing. I'd make plans with people and then find reasons to break them. I just didn't want to do anything! Life just got exhausting, sad to say :(

So next my husband and I divorced. It was ugly. I found myself now liking the "numbness" feeling the oxycodones gave me (still taking as prescribed 4-6 times per day.) But again, not always when the pain kicked in, usually before feeling pain. So, I am now divorced and I've just still been feeling blah lately. So I began wondering if it was all due to the pills. I decided to quit cold turkey. This was about 7 days ago I believe (guess I should be keeping better track!)

The first couple days were rough instantly, which surprised me because I take such a small dosage and I've read on here other people taking 100mg 3 times per day! Ohmygoodness I can not imagine withdrawls from that!! So anyway within 24 hours I had diarreah which I still have today (actually now its just a soft/loose stool, sorry to be so descriptive but I'm trying to show progression here!) Then from 24-48 hours I was craving my meds sooooooo badly (I had taken what was left of my prescription bottle and then decided to not refill and give quitting a try.) I was looking all over my house for pills, literally looking in my car, the bottom of my purse, in my nightstand, everywhere! (Another sign to me that my body was addicted...) So finally I got through that. Then just ?????? flu-like symptoms kicked in along with insomnia :( My whole body ached and I didn't want to do anything! (Luckily I work from home so I did not even have to shower or worry about leaving!) Believe it or not I hardly ever brushed my teeth even :( Which is unlike me. I didn't want to eat for several days, nothing sounded good to me, plus my tummy was still upset. I would toss and turn in bed all night and all day only sleeping 30 mins at a time maybe... Obviously, on day 7, I still have insomnia as I am writing this at 4:30 am.

I had also noticed racing heartbeat which sounds very loud in my ears when I am laying here in the silence. I just read that is another WD sign :( As far as pain goes, I have been basically taking tylenol and ibuprofen around the clock. The pain was really bad the first couple days but seems to be getting better? I am hopeful :)

I have not showered in 4 days, yes that is totally disgusting to me!! Tonight was the first time I brushed my teeth in 2 days and I also washed my face and put on my nightly face cream which I had not done in 4 days as well! This was exciting to me :))) Then, I gathered up a load of clothes and put them into the washer!!! Again I am super stoked about that! I have not had any inclination to do such things for the past 7 days! Then I came into my room and thought about taking a shower tomorrow and putting on make up and getting dressed... I also am thinking of maybe going tomorrow to get some sort of tattoo to signify my committment to getting better and staying sober. What do you think? Good idea??

It seems like tonight was a turning point for me, but I dont want to get too optimistic. I know how dangerous addiction is. I was just hoping by putting a post on here someone would be interested in my story and might help keep me on track. I am dedicated to doing this for me and my kids. I am too young to waste my life living on the couch and carrying around a pill bottle. I want to feel like me again and that excitement to come back into my life.

Thanks for listening!!

[Anonymous]

You are doing great!
It gets better.....
just keep getting as much exercise as you can,
stay hydrated....
and know...lots of us have been there. it's hard but you only have to do this once.

[Sunny mom]

You sound like you're doing great! Your story sounds similar to mine, I was prescribed ULTRAM about 11 years ago for a legitimate, though minor, back injury. Took a while to hook me in, but I did get hooked. I wnt through all you did, the initial high-functioning on the pills, and when that ended, lethargy and depression, not taking care of myself, retreating from people and appointments...my marriage didn't suffer, thankfully, but I can relate to everything else! I wondered too about my addiction...I feel as though I am a legitimate addict who was lucky to discover the disease before it fully metastasized...my advice to you would be to keep as busy as you can, try not to isolate yourself, and really try to force yourself to maybe get in the shower. I was THE SAME way, but when I forced myself to shower, I was SO HAPPY when I got out and felt clean again! Keep posting and reading, this forum is such a great help, it really go me through those early days of W/D (I didn't post until after my W/D, but just reading helped so much)...all the best to you!

[toni.s.]

just read ur thread.
i know ur going through a rough time, but u had me smiling
maybe because i can read the progression?..
anyways..like they said..you're doing great.
just want u to know that u have me in ur corner.

oh...while i was IN active addiction..
towards the end..i barely showered anymore.
gross..but true.
during w/d's...same.
NOW...EVERY DAY!!

you come to take pride in the way u look again..

i think it goes hand in hand with the way u feel inside...

don't know. all i do know is.. i hadn't even thought about my showering..or lack there-of..lol..before i got clean.
the little things we take advantage of when we're clean..

just something to look forward to lol:
and there'll be SO MUCH MORE!

[OneDayAttaTime]

Wow, thanks you guys!! I did catch a little sleep today... 9am-3pm, sad I know. My schedule is all messed up, but atleast I have the opportunity to sleep some and have the great fortune of working at home so I can use my day to get the rest. I cannot imagine having to go through all this AND drag myself to a regular 9-5 job! I'd have to take some time off I suppose, don't know how others do it!!

Another WD symptom I just thought of but it never occured to me until now that it was related... I did have a CONSTANT headache up until I fell asleep this morning. I mean a 4.5 day constant headache that I couldnt get rid of with Tylenol or Ibuprofen Now I'm seeing this was due to WD's. (At first I thought maybe due to lack of activity and lack of eating...)

I have been taking only the Tylenol and Ibuprofen (with a snack of course) and also Immodium for the stomach upsets... and also using my heating pad when my back is bothering me.

Today I feel better I just threw in a second load of laundry (whooo hoooo!!) and I am preparing to take a shower, lol. It is weird how lazy and disfunctional I have become. I am so happy to read your 3 comments saying this was normal for addiction and for WDs. Your comments have made me even more optimistic to keep going!!! Its been a week (day 8 today) and I really believe one more week will do me good! I never want to experience this again! What a waste of a week!!! But then again, I feel alot like the last year or 2 of my life was a bit of a waste too

I do love the idea of these posts and threads... a way to keep in contact w REAL people Sort of like a mini NA meeting or something...

THANKS EVERYONE!!!!

[Anonymous]

sleep....
oh my, that's such a problem for everyone!
some say don't take naps,
I say sleep when you can...if that's available to you.
yea, headache can be trying.
no rls? that was the worst for me.
glad you're feeling better,
hang tight!
btw...one good thing about the rls was it kept me in the bathtub for hours and hours! lol

[OneDayAttaTime]

Shadow- Actually, at times I have noticed really bad shooting pains through my hips and down both legs... Again I just attributed them to my injury (since I numbed my pain and symptoms before with my medication I would not have noticed them before...) But yes, that totally could be RLS from WDs. We do have a pool here at my complex which usually helps my body feel better if I have pain, but I have not felt like dragging myself down there yet and also it has been very rainy. Maybe tomorrow that would do me some good!

Sleep... I wonder why that effects everyone so much? Its weird. When does that get better? I dont want to take anything for sleep so I plan to just sleep whenever I feel the need and hope one day to fix my schedule. I'm just focused on one day at a time... Just the basic functions are whats important to me right now. Getting clean, eating, staying alive... Then I will worry about being "normal again". Haha

[Anonymous]

Oneday...
I'm really impressed that you got six hours!!!
So I'd say don't sweat it, get what you can, when you can.
for rls....(when you're not in the pool)...hot baths with epsom salts helps a lot.
Drink lots of water, try to make yourself eat....
you're doing great!

[OneDayAttaTime]

Today's update:

So, I did make it into the shower Washed my hair, shaved my legs (whooo hooo!)... I was running kinda short on time (and also a bit exhausted from all the activity) so I never plucked my eyebrows or put on make up Oh well... atleast I don't stink anymore! LOL

Then I made it out to visit my friend and her kids for a couple hours but that completely exhausted me too! All I wanted to do was lay down on her couch (but I refrained). I did eat some dinner over there so that was nice... Just got home, changed, and plopped straight into bed.

I have some goals set for tomorrow, hopefully they work out. Definitely want to pluck these nasty eyebrows, put on make up, nice outfit, and go with one of my friends down to the tatto place and get myself an encouraging tat... That way whenever I feel an urge I can look at it and keep on truckin'.

I did have a breif moment at my friends house where I was wishing I had a pill in my purse Maybe it was some social anxiety? It passed much quicker than those I had in my first couple days of detoxing so that is good!

I'm sure I will be checking on here all night from lack of sleep, but I am praying for sleep to find me tonight... Fingers crossed...

[Sunny mom]

Awesome, I'm so happy for you! That was huge, OneDay! It will get easier to get out and be among people, keep up the good work! I did baby steps at first, but as I felt better, the things that stressed me out started to not be that bad...today, four months from my last pill, I LIKE going out again, usually just with my girls, or with friends to the movies or lunch...I do some volunteer work for school and I used to dread that but now this year, I'm looking forward to it! I think tomorrow you should tackle those brows (mine need some work, too!), and heck, go get your tattoo! That will be fun, and yes, it will really have special meaning! Hope you have some sleep tonight! Let us know what kind of tattoo you get, if you don't mind!

[toni.s.]

Today's update:

So, I did make it into the shower Washed my hair, shaved my legs (whooo hooo!)... I was running kinda short on time (and also a bit exhausted from all the activity) so I never plucked my eyebrows or put on make up Oh well... atleast I don't stink anymore! LOL

Then I made it out to visit my friend and her kids for a couple hours but that completely exhausted me too! All I wanted to do was lay down on her couch (but I refrained). I did eat some dinner over there so that was nice... Just got home, changed, and plopped straight into bed.

I have some goals set for tomorrow, hopefully they work out. Definitely want to pluck these nasty eyebrows, put on make up, nice outfit, and go with one of my friends down to the tatto place and get myself an encouraging tat... That way whenever I feel an urge I can look at it and keep on truckin'.

I did have a breif moment at my friends house where I was wishing I had a pill in my purse Maybe it was some social anxiety? It passed much quicker than those I had in my first couple days of detoxing so that is good!

I'm sure I will be checking on here all night from lack of sleep, but I am praying for sleep to find me tonight... Fingers crossed...

wow. impressive.
out and about?! getting stuff done!!
you've got it right! setting goals!
can't reach them if u don't set them, right?!

and argh...
social anxiety. .. don't get me started!
i was always 'life of the party' if u will..
take those drugs away..
can't say "Boo" too loud without me running lol.

it gets better though.
back to my old self again.
and i detoxed from benzos too?! so i'm sure that contributed to my anxiety...

but yeah.
all u can do is take steps in the right direction.
doesn't matter if they're tiny..
'aslong as ur moving forward' is my mantra.

you're doing great!
praying that u find sleep too

[Anonymous]

Good job!
Funny thing.....
I took my dogs out to run a lot while i was going thru c/t...
but i could hardly make myself go out to the mailbox....
definitely social anxiety during that time.
seems to be a common theme....
you are really doing great!

[OneDayAttaTime]

Hey guys! This is great I must say!! I was just laying here in bed tossing and turning, my mind racing, and I thought "Why not sign online and see if anyone's up?" And I see 3 messages! LOL sounds silly, especially since I've never done anything like this before, but I actually feel EXCITED and HAPPY... like people are REALLY happy and encouraging me (eventhough I don't know any of you!) Actually brings a little tear to my eye

I think I am really enjoying this outlet so much because like many people I'm sure, I haven't told anyone that I actually know in real life about this struggle... I've kept it to myself. Partly because I hadn't admitted to myself (or really even figured out) if I do have an addiction. I'm just rolling with it and saying yes... especially after seeing how my body is reacting without the pills And most especially after that crazy day of me searching every nook and cranny I could think of to find a spare pill! Boy was that a wake up!!

Sunny: Lol, you sould alot like me! These brows are horrible! LOL I feel a bit ashamed... always used to be the pretty girl, I just cant believe I've let myself go like this The past 8 days have been about healing though so what can I expect? Can't focus on me if I'm focusing only on my appearances I suppose. I'm thinking of getting a phrase of some sort in another language on my wrist. I'm really stoked about it! I dont have ANY tattoos so why not have something that means something and keeps me focused? Of course, I can tell people it means something totally different! LOL Just need it for me, no one else Thank you so much for all the support!!!! <3

Toni: I have always had a bit of social anxiety I think... I over analyze everything! My mind never stops and I always feel judged by people. I want so badly to say I don't care what other people think, but I'd be lying. I care soooooo much and I have no clue why. A long time ago my dr prescribed xanax to me. I did like it for before bed... My mind wouldnt race anymore and BAM I'd be asleep in 30 mins! But over a few months I noticed changes... I'd wake up and eat in the middle of the night and never remember it! I'd shop online and things would come to the door and I had no clue where they came from LOL, sort of like Christmas, but you could see where this could become a financial liability! LOL... Then I started feeling crazy, and I mean CRAZY whackado!! So after the couple months of taking them I quit those cold turkey. I did feel a little weird after quitting but it was so long ago I couldn't really tell you how I felt.... depressed for sure, crazy thoughts yes, but I just kept telling myself it was the meds and eventually it went away! Never touch that ???? again!! yucko!! Thanks so much for caring enough to read my story and comment! It's helping me more than you guys know!! <3

Shadow: I wish I had a dog at this point... maybe it would drag me out of bed! But then again, I have been somewhat thankful to be alone during these past 8 days to suffer in silence! I just wish I had found this site and posted from day one! I do appreciate all the "random" love and support on here! Its crazy how complete strangers can unite and do good and actually GENUINELY care for one another... amazing!!! <3

[Anonymous]

You are doing so well.
If you can't sleep then read or watch a movie but dont fight it...
doesn't do any good.
nothing worse than staring at the ceiling!
I'm up late watching the storm down south....
got folks living down there, besides it's pretty hypnotic and fascinating.
gotta hit the rack soon tho because of work tomorrow.
yea....no matter what you're going thru....one of us have been there.
that's what's so nice about this place.
we're here for you cuz someone was here for us and so it goes....
Doing well kiddo!
Love the tat idea!

[OneDayAttaTime]

Thanks Shadow 1 am and still no sleep... Yucko. Looks like maybe another long night for me. How long have you been sober now? I have watched tv so much this past week its not even funny! Too many Roseanne episodes! Haha... I'm just looking forward to saying "day 9" "day 10" until I just cant remember what day I'm on bc so many days have passed!! I believe everyone when they say it gets easier... Just wish it got easier faster! LOL

[Anonymous]

Jumped off 200mcg's of fentanyl patches a year and a half ago.
I didn't get here til i was already into detoxing so I didn't go the sub route.
It was a long journey......
whenever someone comes on now and they are on a high dose of those patches i really encourage them to go subs....just saves a lot of misery.
Most times tho I think cold turkey is best for most of us, you know?
get it over with.

[OneDayAttaTime]

I actually have no clue about "subs"... I have seen people on here mention it or them a few times, I guess its a medication to ween you off of something? I guess for me cold turkey would've made more sense even if I had known abt subs I don't know that I would have even tried them bc I just don't any kind of tracable record of ever having an "addiction". Plus, my medication dosage was so small I'd think any dr would probably laugh at me. My pain management dr pretty much laughed at me bc I would refuse all the other meds they tried and I stuck to that tiny dose... Said I was his least worrisome patient. However, maybe that's the problem with dr's today?? Or again, maybe its in my head... the addiction I mean. Well, whether I was or was not "mentally addicted" I know my body was! Otherwise I wouldn't be feeling like I do now and I wouldn't have had that terrible day of craving

I'm sure I sound like a complete basket case at this point... "Was I or wasn't I addicted? Am I still, if I ever was?" Stupid I know... An addict is an addict no matter what the dose or the substance I would suppose. Maybe everyone goes through these thoughts? Maybe its just denial? Well whether I was or wasn't I dont want to take them anymore! I guess thats the important point here...

I do have a question though... At some point down the road, let's say I have a day of extreme pain (because I do have legitimate injuries), is it ok to take a tablet at that time to get me through the pain or would that be a bad idea? Just curious... Don't know if my pains will even return (my accident was a long time ago, but it was a few years that I took the percocet) so maybe my REAL pain disappeared during that time? That would be nice... I know my injuries still exist (I see them on the films and scans they do). Obviously its the real pain that drove me to seek the dr's help in the first place and the addiction came later... So, what if the pain is still there? What if I have a day where its too much to bear? What do I do then?

Or for instance, one day, if I want to have another child... After giving birth they give you medication for the pain... is that ok? Certainly there would be situations where avoidance could not be reasonable right? IDK because they say alchoholics can never drink again...

[toni.s.]

Thanks Shadow 1 am and still no sleep... Yucko. Looks like maybe another long night for me. How long have you been sober now? I have watched tv so much this past week its not even funny! Too many Roseanne episodes! Haha... I'm just looking forward to saying "day 9" "day 10" until I just cant remember what day I'm on bc so many days have passed!! I believe everyone when they say it gets easier... Just wish it got easier faster! LOL

try to get some melatonin..
u can get it at gnc.
i used it while i was in w/d..
and now i'm a pretty busy person..
maybe TOO much caffeine in the day?
but i still need to use it.
works wonders with sleep.

they say in the thomas recipe to use benzos during w/d's..
obviously i don't agree with that.
but that's neither here nor there.
melatonin works just fine.
and it's safe.

[Anonymous]

Oneday....
Alls I can tell you is my own experience...
I ended up on patches for legitimate pain...however after 4 years I didn't know what was legitimate pain and what was opiate pain.
I can tell you when all was said and done my pain is manageable now w/over the counter meds.
I have had some injuries since then.....shoulder going out of joint a few times was the latest....
I took two loritabs after that.... didn't need anymore than that.
I am terrified, absolutely terrified of withdrawals again and even more, much more of tolerance.
So, for me, yes i have had to take pain pills for my shoulder.
I've heard many say that they don't leave the hospital with pain meds, they do get treated for pain in the hospital for surgery, having babies c-section....idk if that answers your question....
for right now i wouldn't worry about the future....
just keep treating your symptoms and doing the next right thing.....
you're doing great!

[toni.s.]

i agree with shadow.
i don't have legitimate pain.. just abused drugs
i know that's terrible..but it is what it is.
so i didn't feel right advising u on that...

what i CAN say though..

i always joke about this too!
when i first got sober..
one of my biggest concerns was not being able to toast at my wedding...
..
i'm not even engaged
lol.
just how our minds work.
we over-complicate. worry too much. concern oursleves with things that haven't even happened.

like shadow said, don't worry about the future right now.

and it's funny..when ..and IF..something does come up..
i think u'll find that u'll intuitively know what to do anyways.

i think ur fear, emotions..and general thinking..will be entirely different then, than it is now too.

just "keep moving forward" lol.
you can address THOSE problems when they arise.
and what's good about that..is that you wont have the problems ur doing with NOW to think about, right?
so just focus on today.

ur having normal thoughts/worries/concerns.
don't worry about it.
you're doing great!
focus on that!

[OneDayAttaTime]

Good morning all! Day 9 today and guess what? I finally slept!! 5am-11 so I'm happy with that, LOL. I did wake up a few times inbetween but quickly went back to sleep

Shadow: Thanks for that info... It does make me feel better. Since my first few days of WD my pain has pretty much subsided so I am quite optimistic I can handle it with OC meds if needed See, I never even knew there was such a thing as "opiate pain"! Naive I suppose... I am still fairly young so that's why I think that I know one day I'll have to be in the hospital for SOMETHING, be it the birth of another baby, or surgery or an injury as an older person, who knows. Maybe dumb to concern myself with so far into the future but I am curious about that and hey, why not ask while you have other people on here to talk to? LOL I am also terrified of getting back on them and then having to go thru all this junk again. I suppose if its a legitimate thing in the hospital I wouldnt be on them long enough to get into that life altering over all depressed feeling of nothingness again. I just don't want to "like" the feeling they give me either... Oh well, one step at a time.

Toni: I may pick up some melatonin... I tried it years ago for a sleeping issue and didnt feel like it helped at all but then again I cant remember whether I was on the pills or not at that time in my life. So, things could be different this time around! I definitely wont do any benzos or anything. Yeh I may not be sleeping, but I'm not really doing anything that's being effected by my lack of sleep either. I can deal w it. That is funny how we concern ourselves with the future in the beginning! Maybe because our minds are racing so much right now and I have nothing better to do with my time at this point? Or maybe bc we know good things are happening and are only going to get better...

[toni.s.]

how u doing ODAT?

[OneDayAttaTime]

how u doing ODAT?

Hi Toni Thanks for checking in on me!!

The last few days I've been really busy bc of the holiday I've had a lot of weekend plans. Some have involved other people and social situations which have given me some crazy social anxiety but I have pretty much pushed through... I have craved my pills a number of times during the past few days and more especially just prior to these appts or situations but I have not given in! Mainly bc I don't have any left, but if I did I would have most definitely given in.

Still having trouble sleeping, but the past 2 nights I've gotten about 3-4 hrs at a time. My headache has also returned Been sticking to the Tylenol and occasional ibuprofen for that but every night before bed my back is screaming and I find myself wishing for a Percocet to ease the pain and relieve the insomnia When will that go away??

Maybe I just have been feeling more vulnerable lately because of all the activity and lack of following up on here w you guys...

[OneDayAttaTime]

Day 16 was yesterday... Bad day I suppose I hate to admit it but I ended up getting a Vicodin 7.5/750 (just one) from my mom. My back was just killing me and I couldn't handle it. I took half of it and felt so much better. I did not feel any of the "high" effects of it, just relief of the pain and "normal" again. It basically just felt like I took some Tylenol and it actually worked!

Then about 4 hours later I took the other half. This time I felt nothing... Not even relief from the now returning pain It's now been about 3 hours since that dose and I feel a slight headache (Vicodin usually gives me a headache after), and my back is still hurting. So for all that drama I only had about 3 hours worth of pain relief... what a waste!

My biggest concern is how is this going to set me back?? Am I going to be starting from scratch here? Do withdrawls kick back in after just one pill? Surely that can't be the case, but I have never done this before so I really don't know. Also, this may sound stupid, but let's hypothetically say I took a drug test, would it pop up positive? (From one pill?) I know, I know... dumb. But after being "cleaned out" for 16 days in my mind I was happy in knowing I could take and pass a drug test if need be... though I haven't had to take one except at my doctors office. Was just something that stuck in my mind...

Any advice tonight would be great. Thanks guys!

[Anonymous]

one...
i've been off the forum for a bit.
ok.......i don't think the one pill will put you back, but makes ya think, huh?
such a cycle........seems to me the choice always comes to up or off.
i chose off.....
it's just not worth it for me.
don't beat yourself up, doesn't do any good....
move forward.....
take care kiddo!
again.....
don't sweat the small stuff, don't think it will put you back, but be vigilant....
it's just not worth it...