First off.. If you don't have to do it this way.. DONT.
If you can get suboxone.. it's a god send...

I will also say that suboxone can be a ????? to get off as well. Not as bad.. but just a repeat
down the road.. I wouldn't know.. just what I was told.. but also was told that by some
friends, patients and doctors. I would still recommend that route though.
some say suboxone is a miracle drug. It's expensive, but from what I hear... worth it.
exhaust your resources to see if that's a possibility for you.

Don't be a martyr.. don't hate yourself that much.
You suffer enough.. get a doctor, better yet, an inpatient setting...
have somebody take care of you if you can.

But if you can't or just are tired of feeling so incredibly horrible and don't care how to kick..
And cold turkey is something you think you want to try.. maybe I can help.

I had a mix of problems and circumstances that I had to do it myself.
Oh.. believe me... I wanted anything possible to help.. and I did try.
It sucked. Won't say anything good about it. It sucked.

I even went to drug court treatment every day.
I puked all day and pissed my pants. They wouldn't let me go home.
At this point in time, I consider them angels. I'm serious. I'm grateful to have had that experience.
I have to say also.. my peers there supported me as well. Amazing. I laughed with them later!
But at the time.. they were extremely sweet. I'm talking about some people that you would NOT
have wanted to meet on the outside during some of their periods of heavy use.
They had a soft side as well.. and what a help that was, some great people when it came down to it.

But most of all, I have a great family, especially my mother and brother, although long distance,
were invaluable help. I was quietly browsing these threads.. and felt good about the compassion here.
That's the very first and most important thing all the way through. Get support.
I don't think you can do it without it.. or if you do.. come out the other side without psych problems.
Get support. Don't start until you have it.

It might totally blow your mind.. but I'm a Registered Nurse.
More on that in a little while...
I ran out of insurance, money and willing treatment providers..
but on November 30, 2012.. I will celebrate two years clean.

I posted on another thread that helped me get through when I originally set out to get clean.
There were some kind responses, but I realized that it would be better to start a new thread.

just for the record.. and I know there is no judgement here, but I got addicted through my doctor's Rx...
But that may have also advanced and enabled me. So watch out for the rationalizing with that.
You can justify a lot.. and believe me.. I did.

It does not matter how you got hooked. And this is something that actually may be a psychological excuse..
however conscious or subconscious.. I'm sure that it would be different for each individual.
My point is... IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW!!! It happened. It's completely irrelevant how you got on this bus.
You got on. You're on now. Getting off the bus is all that matters. No bonus points for legitimizing.
Usually points off actually.

But just briefly some background.. I had three disk protrusions causing S1 nerve compression,
and sciatica down my left leg.. also some numbness and actually in my case.. not to be gross...
but I couldn't pee to save my life some times.. That wasn't convenient for drug testing.
And the most common problem with opiate addiction as a side effect? Constipation.
Never knew that for one day. These are things that disk compression does.

Let's face it.. feeling the worst of withdrawals.. you know the walls are closing in.
My pride and my resources.. so many reasons at the time..
I still don't know what would have been the way out in my situation.
This was a new unit I worked at, there were demands and responsibilities I didn't feel
that it was cool of me to walk away from. I didn't have a connection to trust.. and
I felt that there was no out.. so I made one.

I started a nightly routine to falsify pharmacy access and withdraw narcotics.
I didn't care what they were.. I didn't take them, bear in mind, I had my own and plenty.
If I would have taken extra.. I would have been in a position to really disappoint everyone around me.
I just wanted out. Eventually I was arrested. Long long story how it all happened.
My plan wasn't the best except in that I finally got help. And I'm getting my career and my life back.
It's not going to be easy.. but the way things were going.. I'm extremely grateful to be healthy again.

And there is such a desperation with that advanced addiction. The withdrawals are an every day of life.
Way more influencing than the pain.. and the pain was enough to get the heaviest of doses of a drug
usually only given to end stage cancer patients.

Can I get a witness about withdrawals? After advanced stage heavy use for three or four years every day...
You wake up in withdrawal. You drift back there later in the course of the day. Nobody but us appreciates this.
Words just fail me to describe what it's like. But the best I can.. a nervous exhaustion and intolerance
to the slightest stimulus. Spiritually, no smiling, no happiness, no escape. It's sad to see. Horrible to feel.

It's hell.. and even worse.. knowing that hell awaits on a full time two week trip ahead..
no little vacations. Full time. that messes with your mind as well.

I knew that I had no choice, but to get treatment and get off the nightmare that is opiate addiction.
I had a plan to get fired, thinking that I know this sounds ridiculous.
But I knew I wouldn't be able to work.. how long it would take? I had no clue.. plus I still had my pain.

But I have to wonder who may have done something so crazy in desperation?
I functioned well enough to do my job without any compromise to patients, care team or myself.

But the walls felt like they were closing in. The unit never seemed ready for me to leave..
always non-stop stress on there. I know I had personal issues with pride, and feeling that
I was abandoning those who needed me. And I did pull it off. Not the without getting caught part..
But I got treatment. That's what I needed.. How I got there.. at the time.. didn't matter.

The withdrawals got to be worse and worse as the physical dependency grew stronger.
I lived with the pain that was there.. the withdrawals were intense. I don't think anyone
that hasn't been there will ever really understand.

But to anyone going through them... hang on.. because you will break free, and past
a certain period.. can't guarantee how and when.. for me it was 10 days.
But it got easier. I got back to myself.

I will also caution.. because if your experience was like mine.. there was no getting
fully back to normal until a full year had passed. That might seem ridiculous to put up with..
but now.. I know it can be done.. because I was in that hell for so long. One year isn't much..
compared to 3-4 years of heavy use, and 2-3 years of light to moderate use before that.
I hope this isn't your experience, and I'm not saying it has to be.. But if you are like me..
it might be. And still... I made it.

I always have to appreciate how rough it feels. But you can break yourself free...
Not only that.. you know you have to. I'm not telling you anything you don't know..
You have to do this.

One more.. I don't want to sound pious or above anything... I would have taken suboxone
or methadone.. but I got through 100% cold turkey. Fentanyl is a pretty mean trip.
I was quartering up the gel packs and sucking the patches. My worst phase, i went through
a 150 mcg patch in about 32 hours. I also had Norco 10s. For a while they switched to
oxycontin.. and this for anyone out there wondering.. yes.. you can get so hooked on opiate
that oxycontin doesn't touch you. I finally met a >>>>>> addict that agreed with his experience.
This is a pill going for up to $60 on the street. I had 120 of them. Nothing.

Anyway .. I got in to a treatment program. I went through all the withdrawals during it.
The scariest thing I remember.. was driving. and that should not have been done.

It was unbelievable torture.. I hated every minute and every minute seemed to last forever.
Sleep was the worst for me.. so desperate for sleep... people don't understand that..
sleep frees you from this unbelievably painful exhaustion. I had extremely vivid nightmares as well.

But I am here to say.. I made to the other side. YOU CAN TO!!! You're so worth it.
You may feel depressed and worthless.. but you're worth it. Don't hate yourself over this.
Take care of yourself.. I paced a lot.. it wore out the constant nervousness and exhaustion.
Warm soapy baths.. soft music.. anything to relax you. I have to be honest.. I had a few
clonazepams in the beginning, day one and two. I had a prescription with 4mg that I paced
through initially. But by day 5.. full withdrawal force..
nothing much would have mattered by then anyway.
I buckled up and hung on. And made it.

So that's another thing.. I don't want any one to suffer..
You suffer. You suffer quite enough. I don't want you to suffer. I wish you didn't have to.
But you also can make it.

The basics are all over this forum.. they're true.
Eat healthy and hydrate with gatorade or some sports drink with electrolytes.
Watch a lot of comforting videos and soothing music. Warm baths.
Baths helps a lot with the soreness. Exercise. Force yourself. You will thank yourself.
Pets help. My dog was awesome. My neighbors helped. I got online a lot.
Support is mandatory. My mom more than anyone. Thank you mom.

If anyone ever wants help or someone to talk to.. I hope I can help.
There is nothing I want, but to see you feel better and save your own life in so many ways.

You can do this.

Get as much help as you can.. personal, family, friends and medical.

You have a huge future. And you will have a spirituality that you don't even know!
It's a pretty awesome thing. Good things await.. be patient.
Eventually.. you'll be fine. Better than ever.