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Feeling guilty for walking away from my bf who is addicted to opioids! need advice!!!
I really need some advice....I am 36 and my boyfriend of 6 months is addicted to roxys and well pretty much anything he can get his hands on, I have learned lately that he has also been shooting them up! I have never done drugs or been around them so this is all very hard for me to understand! We started dating in October of last year, he was honest with me from the beginning about his past problems with drugs and addiction but said that was all in his past, we moved really fast, we moved in together just 1 month after meeting, everything was amazing....we are total opposites but got along so well....I am lucky to have a large group of friends and rarely do I ever date anyone that they ALL get along with but he just fell into our group like they had known him for years, we had fun, did everything together, about 2 months ago he started acting totally different, it was like it happened overnight....he started staying out till all hours of the morning, we started fighting because he seen nothing wrong with it and would get mad at me and say I was trying to control him....that went on for a couple of weeks and he looked at me one day and said I don't feel the same about you and we broke up, we agreed to still live together for 2 months so my kids could finish out the school year, we got along really good after that because he could do whatever he wanted and not have to answer to me....I have pretty much supported him from day 1 but I noticed he started asking me for more and more money which I handed right over....it went from 20 here and there to 40 every few days to 70 or 80 every couple of days....he finally admitted to me he had a problem with pills but that he had to have them or he would be sick....around that time I noticed a mark on his arm and asked him about it and he said it was a scratch, I knew deep down what it really was, he started hanging out with some really shady ppl and his mood changed...very angry and moody....stopped going around our friends just pretty much turned into someone I didn't know!! He has been telling me to be patient with him and help him get through this and we will be ok, and that he loves me but the next day he is just emotionless, anyway last week he finally told me he was done and wanted me to help him and asked me to get him subs, so I did, also got him xanax to help him sleep, he asked me to hold onto all of it and give it to him as he needed it so I did...I studied up on suboxone and tried to tell him he had to be in withdrawls before he could start taking it but he did it his way....anyway 2 days after him telling me he wanted to get clean I went home early from work to find him and a couple of other guys shooting up, I freaked out packed my things and left.....2 days went by before I heard anything from him and it was a message that he needed to talk to me so I agreed...he cried told me he loved me and he wanted to get clean....told the ppl he was hanging out with to stay away from him, he changed the locks on the house and I watched him dispose of the needles and some roxys he had, he told me that it took me leaving to make him wake up and realize he had to do this!!! So again I agreed to help him but told him I was NOT moving back in until I knew he was done....so I got more subs this past Monday I gave him one film and kept the rest, my problem now is he just ask me for another 1 last night when he should have days ago, I know he is still using but now he is lying about it, he is back to hanging around the same ppl and has become VERY distant, i barely hear from him, this is controlling my whole life, I'm depressed, I can't concentrate at work, I can't sleep or eat, me and all of my friends keep telling him we are there for him but he is now shutting us all out, but my main problem is I feel guilty for walking out on him because he has gotten worse since I'm not there to atleast control it somewhat, I just don't know what to do at this point, really need advice from someone who has been through it, I love him but this is controlling my life and I just can't keep living like this, I love this man with all my heart, I just want the person I first met back!!!!!!!!
Sorry to hear about your situation but to be honest,the only way he will get clean and stay that way is if he wants it. From what you wrote,he hasn't hit bottom yet and will do whatever it is he can to get his fix.
He is thinking like an addict,I know,I was one at one time. Not on that level,but the pills consume a person so much that it's all they think about.
I will say you done the right thing having kids of your own to take care of,they must come first.
I know it's hard to walk away and you want to "fix" him,but he isn't 100% ready for that yet from the way it sounds. I know it's not what you want to hear but I feel he needs to hit bottom before he can really be serious about getting clean.
I did loose 1 relationship from my habit back in 2008. Luckily I got clean and got my life in order long enough to get custody of my kids.
Holly, welcome to the forum.
Love has nothing to do with this. To think you can control his using is absurd. Not being critical just honest. At this point he will do whatever he has to, use whomever and take advantage of everyone to get want he wants. You are dealing with a disease, not a defect of character or lack of will power.
There is only one catalyst for change with an addict, PAIN, it has got to hurt enough to make us want to quit.
you're obligation is to yourself and you're children,not him. From what you have said he is not ready yet, and there is nothing you can do to speed this process. Please remember you did not cause it, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. Take care of yourself and you're children that is the best thing you can do.
I'm sure he fit right in with your friends we are good at maniplulation and showing people what they want to see and hear.
I would suggest Naranon or Alanon meeting you will find support there from people that have been where you are. And post hear post, post ,post. we all need help and support . I have not seen anyone be critical here just supportive God Bless Surfdog
Don't feel guilty for leaving best decision you could have made at this time Dog
Last edited by surfdog; 05-21-2012 at 08:58 AM.
Holly, SD is correct on this. PAIN is a great motivator. Without it why stop? Also, no one mentioned it. But you are enabling him. So you become an enabler. I know you want to help but that help becomes enabling. Holding his drugs, giving him money, standing by while he does it " his way". Addiction doesn't change. It is a ruthless, selfish disease. And YOU can't change it or him. HE has to be willing to do " whatever it takes" to get and stay clean. HE has to want this. It could come down to you telling him..."you will not allow him around you are your children as long as he is feeding his disease". And if he comes around, you will call the police. I am not advocating you do this. I am just saying that this is called " tough love". And it may well come to that to get his attention. And the truth is YOU really do not want this behavior around your children.
Last edited by Sundwn; 05-21-2012 at 02:08 PM.
I am so sorry you are going through this. As you have already heard, you cannot help him. It is a disease, a very selfish disease, but all the same if your boyfriend had diabetes or cancer you know you couldn't cure him on your own. This is the same situation...you cannot fix this on your own. I lost a lot of people I loved because my drug habit consumed all of them along with me. Think about it this way. You have never been around drugs in your life, yet here you are buying drugs to help him...slowly your morals are being twisted and you are going further out of your comfort zone and none of the help is working. You may not realize this but he is putting you in danger by asking you to help him like that. You could get arrested for getting these drugs for him. In most states if there are drugs in the glove box or on the floor of a car everyone in the car is charged with it or all of the fault goes to the driver. You will be charged with possession of drugs if anything ever happens and you get caught with the pills. The suboxone strips have DEA numbers on them so they can be traced back to the person who sold them as well. Honey, you did not make him an addict. You should not feel responsible for what he does. He is making his own decisions and even though it hurts like hell you can't fix this. The best thing to do right now is not see him in person for any reason what so ever. Make up an excuse, the car broke down, kids are sick, whatever it is do not see him in person. Talk to him on the phone and tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him and will be there to help him but not with money or getting him anything. Find a phone number for a rehab and give it to him. Whatever he decides it is not your responsibility anymore. This is about doing what is best for you. You are suffering and it will get worse the more you go around him or hear from him. He will probably get mad, but whatever he says it is no longer on you. This way he has only a few choices. He can realize that he is going to lose you and get help, or he can get mad go on a drug binge and end up deeper in his pit. You cannot follow him there. Even if he says that it is your fault he did what he did, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, he makes his own decisions. You can tell him that you love him and you will be there for him if he decides to put himself in a rehab or get on a program that works for him to stop using drugs... Otherwise you need to seperate yourself from him. The sad fact is that all addicts are charming, witty, and can blend into a crowd of pretty much anyone...when they arent' using. Once they start using again they always become more secretive, more withdrawn, and it only gets worse. He's shooting up oxycontin, that is basically prescription herion. Blue pills are 80mg, peach/orangish are 40mg, and then there is 10mg which are white I believe... I know this because I did them all. Plus there are all different types of newer oxcycontin pills that came along over the last few years where I have not been active with using. It took me 5years to start thinking and acting like a person again, and I am still working on it. Along with this disease comes enemies, debt, and heartache. All take time to fix. There is no fast cure for this disease that has been developed yet. It is a life long affliction that you have to remind yourself of when tempted. He may not be ready for any of this yet, and even if he isn't you cannot be responsible for what he chooses. I hope that it gets better for you. None of this is what you wanted to hear but it was probably what you have suspected all along. I feel for you in this situation, love is strong but this is something that he cannot control and neither can you. All you can do is hope and stay away for awhile.
Holly hang in there girl, pheonix is dead on as is Sundwn. People here will support you and help in anyway they can. Take care of you!!! If it was still fun and no pain I would still be out there. Be good to you, you deserve a happy life Surfdog
One of the sentences Holly wrote that raised my eyebrows was. He got away from the people he was hanging with and " changed the locks". There,s only one reasoning behind that. And it's a disturbing one. Especially with kids in the house. Keep posting Holly. Wonderful and knowledgeable folks here. And will help you anyway they can. ......sundwn
The reason behind changing the locks??? help me out here plz!!! This is all new to me, I recieved messages from him earlier saying he was sorry for being mean and that hes not himself when going through detox....I have pretty much had all I can take at this point, at first I felt weak for walking away but now I know it was the best decision I could have made!!!! Thank all of you for being honest and straight up.....just what I needed!!!
Holly , not sure what Sundwn means but I can assure you he changed the locks for a purpose, and did not inform you about it. Something is not right somewhere. My guess, and only a guess, did not want to be surprised for whatever reason.
You made the right decision. A rattlesnake is more trust worthy at this point, again a guess, but I would think at this point he is playing you for being naive. He is not trustworthy now. God Bless Surfdog
Well Holly, my first guess is he changed the locks to keep his new BFFL,s from getting in, breaking in, looking for money and/or drugs. Anything of value. Unless the old locks were weak or faulty or someone had a key. Not sure why he would change them. But it sure wasn't to keep someone in. Good bet on that. If you have removed yourself from ths environment then that's the first right thing to do. Take care of and look out for YOU. If you are not healthy mentally and physically. Your children will suffer. You can support him, if you choose. But you need to explain to him. Until he has 60 to 90 days of " accountability ". weather this is meetings , OP therapy and definitely a sponsor . That " trust" is going to be very,very slow in coming. You can read here on this forum and ask. What does recovery look like ? What steps does a recovering addict take to get and remain clean. What does a sponsor do? I forgot what it's called. But there are organizations that YOU can attend designed especially for loved ones living with addicts. If you choose to stay in this relationship. You will need to educate yourself on this disease..........just my two cents, for what it's worth...sounds like your looking after you first, good deal, that s not being selfish......good luck.........sundwn
Originally Posted by hollyc36
Last edited by Sundwn; 05-22-2012 at 06:55 AM.
Yea dog I see what you are saying. I thought he told Holly he wanted to get clean. Threw out all the needles, changed the locks etc. I couldn't understand why he was doing that unless it was to keep his pals out. Didn't really make sense. Now I think I get it. Yea, something is really out of whack here. Sounds more like he wants to keep Holly out. Or anyone who might have had a key. Like you said. Doesn't want any surprises. If this is the case. This guys setting up house........stear clear of this Holly........again, if this is what it is....but you.know what they say......" if it walks like a duck"
Originally Posted by surfdog
Last edited by Sundwn; 05-22-2012 at 01:48 PM.
Thank all of you guys so much, you have no idea how much this has helped, I am really naive when it comes to all of this, I am really starting to get back to my old self again and it feels great!!! I call to check on him and leave it at that, I didn't realize how bad this was affecting me until the last couple of weeks, I have been so consumed with him and his problems that my work has been slipping, my boss told me last night that he didn't know what was going on but he has seen the old me in the last few days!! I still worry about him and miss him like crazy but the money has been cut off completley!! The subs are almost gone and I know he is gonna be asking me for money any day now because he quit his job last week and now has no income at all, I am gonna be strong and tell him no!!! He has been fighting addiction for so many years I know he is just gonna keep falling back into it and I just can't live like that! Again thank all of you so so much!!!!!!
Holly he hasn't been fighting anything but the truth. He doesn't want to look at self,which is what we all have to do if we want to get clean. Operative word there being WANT to get clean. If he quit his job as tight as things are out there now, I'd give you 10-1 odds I know what he is going to do. And you don't need to be anywhere near that. Trying to help him now is like changing saddles on a dead horse, nothing is going to change except to get worse.
Also don't be surprised if he tells you "I can't live without you,I'll kill myself if you don't come back" Maybe he will maybe he won't either way it has nothing to do with you. That is his game, change the rules and play yours. You derserve a good life with your children go for it. Remember the only thing you HAVE to do is stay the color you are and die, everything else is a choice Let the spirits guide you God Bless Surfdog
No dear thank you ! Being able to attempt to help someone else is a blessing, I need to get out of self,keep it by giving it away Surfdog
Well just called to check on him, says he is in a lot of pain, says this is day 3 without anything....says it's getting worse, told him I would call and check on him in the a.m. He actually didn't ask me for anything, kinda shocked but glad!!! Really am praying he gets better!!!
I did not get clean until I lost all I could stand to lose. You can support him in recovery, not active addiction. Wish you peace!