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The Desolate One got me last night. So mad at myself.
  1. #1
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Default The Desolate One got me last night. So mad at myself.

    Hello everyone,

    After a big blow up with my wife last night, went to a friend's house last night and used 40mg of hydro. I'm so freaking mad at myself. It was very strange. I got very upset and it was like WD kicked in. This had to have been a mind response. I was at day 9 so I'm pretty sure it wasn't actual WD. Just my mind telling me I was cause arguments are a trigger for myself. It was like I went into auto pilot, as soon as offered, took to feel better. But after I felt them it just made me feel worse. This would have been day 10, double digits for me which would have been huge.

    I thought I was going to wake up back in full WD today but I didn't. Just anxiety, headache, and a little out of sorts. Normally, I would have been off to the races right now but I'm going to get back up and jump back on the wagon. I messed up but it doesn't mean I have to let it go back to what I had been doing. I'm just so mad at myself right now, I almost want to refuse myself any pleasures or comfort meds like lope right now to make this a negative reinforcement.

    Learned:

    A: Triggers are GOING to come up, not an excuse to use.
    B: Face the fact I messed up but you CAN choose to stop it, not continue

    I'm just wondering how far back I set myself with this. I don't even know if that can be determined. I'm really glad I almost feel like I have an opiate hang-over. Since I didn't go full blown, has this how it felt every morning until I took opiates? I don't remember feeling like this, just remember WD setting in so I would take some.

    Any advice right now from anyone who had similar thing happen, well, any advice at all right now would be good to hear. I totally do not have any craving right now and am just real mad at myself for this because there is no one to blame but myself.

  2. #2
    tom27 is offline Member
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    dont beat yourself up, look at it like this,you went 9 days and slipped, you know you slipped and you figured some stuff out,I am the same way,when I get mad popping a pill is the first thing I want to do, your still doing ok, these things sometimes happen,so your on day 10 with one slip up, most people by this time would just give up , did you give up? I dont think so, this is freaking hard to do man, just move on.I'm proud of for admitting you slipped,thats not an easy thing to out out there, just dont do it again,keep fighting.

    Tom

  3. #3
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Thanks Tom. I was so ashamed to come on here and say it. I am just going to stay the course. I can tell it didn't set me back to day 1 but it is a door I had to shut this morning right away. I looked at my kids sleeping in bed and just teared up. "How could you let them down like this?" I was thinking. Had feelings again they would all be better off without me. I just want an ounce of peace for them and a real dad and a real husband to my wife.

  4. #4
    The Husband is offline Member
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    Don't beat yourself up to bad just remember many an addict overdose from what you just experienced not from the amount you used obviously but the manner in which made you use aka the trigger. If you wanna be the man you got to beat the man and in the case that tiny pill is your competition. Beat um down and let um know who is BOSS!!!

    On the real my high school friend OD just recently... from a very similar situation. R.I.P "Kala"

  5. #5
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Don't beat yourself up: hit up a meeting. Learn how to deal with those triggers. You are in a danger zone with only that many days clean. Husband is right: last summer, my nephew's best friend was found sitting on the floor of his room, quite dead, from an overdose: he was 25.

  6. #6
    tom27 is offline Member
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    hey not to many have the balls to come out and say I messed up,dont look at it ad a set back,just a little speed bump in the trip, it can happen to any of us at any time,the main thing is you realize what you did and how it made you feel, no one is going to look down at you and go oh man he is messed up! not gonna happen my friend,no one said this will be easy,we are all learning how to deal with this in our own way,dont feel bad bud,just learn from it and move on stay positive.

    Tom

  7. #7
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Thanks for all the replies and kind words. It really picked me up. I have been on the verge of crying all day. I was really just starting to feel things were changing, I was getting my spark back. That seems to be gone but I think it's just the mind game deal and me feeling so bad about things. Enough of the pity party, I'll just pick up where I left off.

    I know what you all mean about the tolerance thing and people ODing. And I'm very sorry for the people you all have lost. Same thing happened to my Uncle. Quit using H for a while and then did too much when he "dabbled" or the amount he use to do and died. Haven't thought about that in a while, really was a hard thing for my dad and the whole family. I hate when people say things like "those people are junkie losers, who cares". He was a good guy, always kind to all of us, just made some mistakes. No one sets out to become addicted like him, or any of us. I have been around a lot of death from drugs in my line of work. It breaks my heart and I choke back tears seeing the family just destroyed. They always think there was something more they could have done. But there really wasn't, them or any of you that have lost people could have done. People are who they are and will do what they do.

    Thanks guys/gals for the support. I don't have much support at home. My wife was hooked on pain pills to but quit 6 months ago, pretty much no problem. She went the suboxone route but only took it for 7-10 days and never looked back. She has even taken 1 of my pills, when I had them, maybe one a month and can just leave it at that. She didn't do that until she was like 4 months clean but it drives me crazy how she can do that. And she just can't get why I can't just up and quit like she did. She is that 1 in a million who can do that. I can't. Well, I better go. Going to go shovel the snow to punish myself, lol.

  8. #8
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Thanks for replying back: I love it when you say "people think we are junkie losers, who cares". We are all of humanity, we are teachers, lawyers, doctors, accountants, engineers, waitresses, construction workers whatever. "No one sets out to be an addict". so true: we just get stuck there. BTW: do not get mad at your wife: she is doing what is called "chipping" and after 4 months clean that is just dangerous as all get out. You get back up on that horse and ride: do not envy your wife, this could end in disaster for her. "Chipping" is as much addictive behavior as falling off the wagon so to speak. So, shovel your snow, I've got to shovel mine off the porch and have no idea where I'm going to put it!

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  9. #9
    tom27 is offline Member
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    blue how you doing today? I washy around much yesterday ,had to work then horrible headache when I got home ( I get those from time to time) always have had those anyways coming up on day 18 in a little while,time to work on the yard,keep up the fight,

    Tom

  10. #10
    tom27 is offline Member
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    hey blue Did you bury yourself shoveling snow yesterday ?

  11. #11
    Aodhan is offline Junior Member
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    As Henry Ford said "I didn't fail, I just learned what didn't work" that's the way you got to look at it. Relapse is part of recovery, it happens. The important thing is you get back up and keep going. I was 10 days clean, doing great when my dentist gave me a shot to cure pain from a gum infection and it threw me into withdrawals when it wore off. Like you, I was so angry at myself but hey, 12 months from now if we are still clean those days won't mean much other than an important lessons. Don't dwell on the falls, celebrate the victory's, this is hard but you can do it.

  12. #12
    tom27 is offline Member
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    Blue! jump back on the wagon man,so you slipped up hey it happens,no worries no one here will look down on you ever,you should know that by now,we here just trying to help,thats it,you were doing so good,but lets try it again man,hope to here from you

    your friend Tom

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