Results 1 to 13 of 13
Day 6-
  1. #1
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default Day 6-

    Good Morning!! Surf and Sundwn I'm going to respond to your posts from my other thread here.. The only reason I ruled out going to meetings in my previous posts was because that would've meant I have to tell my wife about my addiction. What would she think if I just left one or two times a week with out telling her where I was going? I was tired of lying to her anyways. Unfortunately we started our marriage out the same way and it's been that way ever since with me lying to her. When we first got together I was smoking ciggs and Mary Jane.. I cut out the Mary Jane for her.. At least she thought I did.. I was just doing it once a week or every other week when the boys got together to play cards. I was never much of a drinker, the Mary Jane was my "vice/reliever". Then she wanted me to quit smoking. Man that was hard as hell. She never understood why I just couldn't quit like she did. So I went to chew and that was easier to hide.. She's not one to put herself into others shoes and see from their perspective. Her mentality is if you say you're going to do something then just do it.. No questions asked. No going back.. No grey area in between.. It doesn't matter what the topic is.. There's usually no changing her mind on anything hence the reason my biggest fear was just manning up and saying to her.. "Look.. You drink.. I smoke a lil Mary Jane once a week.. What's the big deal..?" That seems so trivial now after I got myself into this mess with the pills.

    Quick Re-cap on my day 5- Made it through my day of work.. End of work I took one small hit of the Mary Jane.. Waited a while at work then drove home.. On my long drive home sitting in massive amounts of traffic it hit me.. I have to tell my wife about it and get over that obstacle.. That way there is no hiding it from her at all.. I rehe????d the speech so many times on the drive home.. I knew I had to do it yesterday and I didn't want to chicken out.. I go in.. she's waiting for me at the door.. She gives me a nice long hug and the asks me why is your heart racing? I knew immediately why it was.. The fear of confronting her on the past 6 years of our marriage.. I went into the living room to sit with my boys.. They are watching Kung Fu panda 2 and my big guy is sitting with me.. All I could think about is what I'm going to say to her.. A scene at the end comes on where the bad guy asks the Panda how he was able to do what he did and he said Inner Peace.. My son then looks up to me and says.. Daddy.. Do you have Inner Peace..? I almost lost it.. May sound corny I know but the way he asked me at that question got me.. I got up.. Went into the kitchen and told her I needed to talk to her.. The rest is history.. Ideally I wanted to wait til the kids went to bed but things don't always work out the way you plan.. We went into the bedroom and I let it out.. Kids didn't need to see their daddy crying like a baby.. Got changed.. Cleaned my face up.. Ate Dinner.. Took my boys to the park "clean" for the first time ever and actually played with them instead of just watching them play like I used to.. I used to just sit.. watch them.. And enjoy the Numb/High and just be.. Happy.

    One of you said we have to re-learn how to be happy again in a previous post.. That is so true. Everything I have done for the past 5 years I was high on pills.. Very high on pills.. I would time it just right so that I would eat food.. Swallow my dessert in the form of a pill.. so the "happiness" would hit me just as I was about to go to the park, go to work, hang out with my friends, watch football, play on the computer, play xbox in my man cave, every single walk of my life had to be a walk on cloud 9.. I was a functioning Junky.. I got promoted at my job for crying out lout and from what I was told excelled at it.. All on pills.. That's why I found it so hard to quit. That's what made it so evil.. I'm quite certain now that Life is not meant to be lived in the clouds where you physically and mentally feel that good.. I always called it my artificial happiness and I was OK with it.. But I'm not anymore!!

    When my wife was at her friends house last night she called me to talk.. My older son and I were having our weekly "sleep over" in my basement. He loves it because he gets to sleep on the air mattress with his daddy, stay up late playing on the computer.. Then come to work with me on Saturday. I used to love it because I was able to get high as I could.. Stay up and play x box with the my boys online and not be bothered by anyone. I couldn't say no to that this week just bc I was making a change in my life. I left my son in the basement.. Went to the top of the stairs into the kitchen and spoke with my wife a lil more about it. I said to her just about everything you just posted Surf.. She has every right to be mad.. It's not her fault.. I'm the one that put us both into this mess so on and so forth.. She brought up going to meetings and I agreed.. I told her I would not just for her but for me.. Just to show her that I'm never going back down that road again.. I told her I would do anything to prove to her I wasn't going back down that road again.. EVER!!

    Once again.. Thank you all so very much for your patience in reading my long sometimes drawn out stories.. With out you I would be lost and alone.. With you I feel empowered and strong..

    Keep Moving Forward-
    Peace

    Mr_Dean

  2. #2
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    Just a quick update- My wife is getting by as best as she can.. Just like with me the more time passes the better she gets.. I know it's going to take a while for her to accept what it is I told her but at the risk of sounding selfish.. I feel as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders by telling her.. I will be there for her as she will try and be there for me..

    Thanks for Reading-

    Mr_Dean

  3. #3
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    You did well my friend ain't life grand when you can live it and not just survive God Bless Surfdog

  4. #4
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    It most certainly is Sir.. It most certainly is.. I still have a long way to go as you know I'm early in my recovery stages.. However.. I just spent the last half hour or more reading up on the current nation-wide epidemic of Pain Killer addiction and I'm in utter shock. I won't go into it in depth but it really opened my eyes to a few things.. One- I'm not alone- We are not alone- Two- It's a major problem across the entire country. Three- It can be obtained with the greatest of ease. I always used to joke when I was using that government drugs are the best- How could something like this get this far out of control? Do the pharmaceutical companies really have that much power and control over this country? I know the answer to the last question because it all comes down to the mighty dollar. It's crazy!!

    Mr_Dean

  5. #5
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    That is what i meant when I said welcome back to the living. we don't just have to survive anymore. I would give that camping trip some serious thought. This early I don't think that would be a great idea. Go with your buddies in AA. Or take them along and use two seperate camp sites just make adjustments so you are safe if you decide to go . I do think if you do not go and tell your wife you just don't need to be around the alcohol/drugs right now would go a long way. But I'll support either decision you make God Bless Surfdog

  6. #6
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    I already gave it some thought and I'm going to try and turn it into a weekend of golf instead of a weekend of camping.. If I can't do golfing then I'll just settle for being home with my family. Golf is something I need to re-learn as well.. I love golf.. I live to golf!! Need to get that passion again about my sports life.. The side of life I thought I lost.. Time to get that back!!!

    Mr_Dean

    Oh.. and when I said settle for a weekend with my family I did not mean that as a bad thing.. I would welcome that just as much as a weekend of golf..

  7. #7
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    My friend never doubted that! But tell me, if you find my swing running around up there please catch and send it back to me. The little sucker just left a while back.lol Took up golf when I got clean/sober love the game. Can play down here year round and doesn't cost a fortune.
    You are making wise decisions let me know how the conversation goes with your AA friend, I already think I know but it will be good to here it from you. Take care and God Bless Dog

  8. #8
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    Hey Surf.. You know what that means right? We gotta get together at some point in our lives and play a round of golf.. It's been settled.. The date just hasn't been set yet.. I'll definitely keep you updated..

    Mr_Dean

  9. #9
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    As long as you promise not to laugh!!! At me that is ugly swing ugly lol Would love to man that would mean a lot Dog

  10. #10
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    How far of a drive are you from NY? Maybe I can turn that weekend of camping into a weekend of golf with you bro..

  11. #11
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Macon GA. might take a longer week end. If you are going to Fla down I75 you have drive through town Would love to do it! Down in Dixie hotter than Hell during the summer but early morning is great and usually first on the course nobody ahead nobody behind Dog

  12. #12
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    109

    Default

    I'm gonna map it and plan it.. I'll keep you posted!!

  13. #13
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Sounds good to me dog

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22