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Day 5-
  1. #1
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Default Day 5-

    "It's time to exorcise these demons.. These @#$#@ are doing jumping jacks now.." Eminem- Album- Recovery

    Those words are still making my hair stand up!! Driving home yesterday I must have played one of his songs about 7 times.. Track 7 on his Recovery album. I've always been a huge Eminem fan.. When he came out with his recovery album I was still using heavily. I tried a number of times to follow in his footsteps and give it up but was never successful. I know now where I went wrong- I didn't share my issue with anyone.. I tried going about it alone- Very, Very bad idea- That was the worst part- The horrible feeling of being alone in a world of miserable pain just hoping and praying it would end- End by any means- Even the thought of death didn't scare me because I figured that would be one way to end the pain and misery.

    I'm not even looking back at that now- My rear view mirror is officially closed when it comes to that- I shake at the thought of my two boys growing up without me- I literally cry thinking about them feeling the same pain I felt when my father passed away. To think that a thought like that could actually cross my mind- that death was a better alternative then dealing with w/d is amazing to me.. I never thought I would ever end up like that. I always paid close attention to certain stories or even movies that had addicts in them and never, ever did I think I would end up in a situation like that. Like the scene from The Fighter when Christian Bale is in jail and recovering from Crack- The tossing and turning in bed- Granted all acting but still- Basketball Diaries- Another classic movie- A city kid who played basketball gets introduced to cocain- moves on to >>>>>> I believe and how his life got turned upside down- Now for me unfortunately- all things I can relate to.

    I've asked myself this a thousand times- How did I get myself to this point? I'm a firm believer that tendencies, behavior, temperament, and other important things that make us who we are get passed down to us through genetics. This is not a cop out and yes, I am self diagnosing myself but depression is something that has run in my family. My grandmother was a very heavy alcoholic- Lived to be about 90- That's a very long life for sure- I remember going to her house to visit her not knowing if she was wasted or not. As I got older I could tell the difference and her drinking just got worse and worse. The times she was sober we would talk about her past and her life and I would ask a number of questions- She had a great life- came from money which ironically stopped when I came around- But you could tell she just wasn't happy.. Alcohol made her happy.. And probably miserable as well.. Her escape from Reality was Alcohol- Mine turned out to be pills.

    I think I've rambled on enough for now.. Hope I didn't bore anyone- Just speaking freely in a place that has helped me make it further in recovery then I have been in the past 5-6 years- Never made it to day 5 in the recovery process all the other times I've tried quitting- Not even close!!

    Thank you for reading.. Thank for your comments..

    Keep Moving Forward-
    Peace-

    Mr_Dean

  2. #2
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    Dean, a friend of mine I have known for many years. A physician who owns and runs a recovery center. ( he, himself a 30 yr clean recovering alc........today) He always asked new patients " who is the addict in your family" ...not, is there one. But who?. A very pertinent observation. Because, with addicts, such as ourselves. Look back at the family dynamic and you,more times than not, find this addiction strain running through one or more in your bloodline. Most of my family with any past generational history are deceased. .....except my mother. I asked her about this. Come to find I had a great uncle I never knew died of scarosis of the liver from alcoholism ......bingo. And that's just one that we know of. So yea, with your grandmother. This person you know about. Maybe her father, mother, etc. ......might be an interesting journey for you to look back and find out. Of course, this does not excuse us for or actions. It just let's in a little more light...lol. You are doing great Dean. Depression is just a bi- product of getting off this poison. Stay the course man. You,re climbing a mountain friend. And pushing a bolder along with you. Soon you can let the bolder go.........and climb on up to the top.....lots of people who care are waiting on you. Come on up..........SD
    Last edited by Sundwn; 06-01-2012 at 11:13 AM.
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  3. #3
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    For the past five days up until this very moment.. Every time I think I'm having a rough moment I come here.. Thank you Sundwn.. I needed that.. The words from you and others really give me the goose_bumps!! Thank you.. Back to work I go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mr_Dean
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  4. #4
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Dean you weren't self diagnosing but you did answer your questions. I am a retired psychotherapist that worked in this field for over twenty years. And yes addiction and depression are genetic in nature. Emory is actually very close to iding the gene. That is why accepting this as disease is so important, then you can understand it is not about will power or defects within us. It is in my family then being close to half Cherokee and Creek didn't help. We have the highest rate of alcoholism and death rate from it of any ethnic group in the world. So my friend it is not about you it is a disease you have. You can get well but not cured.
    A doc that was in practice with us, and taught at Emory Medical School used to say " walk on a cancer ward and tell them here are 12 things to do that will put your disease in remission for the rest of your life, the only one that would only want to do part of them would be the alcoholic/addict" lol and he was right.
    I would have people come in and whine about my life sucks, well what are doing different, well nothing Duh! lol It IS a disease not a career decision, you didn't wake up one morning and say to your self"I don't want to be a Dr, lawyer, Indian chief, I want to be an addict" So be very careful about self critisism what we tell ourselves can be very powerful!
    So lighten up on you my friend you are doing very well. as far as the past " we shall not regret the past nor shall we wish to forget it" AA Big Book pgs 83-84 the Promises of AA
    Oh music can be a subtle but very strong trigger, may want to change what you listen to for a while anyway Try some good ole southern rock Allman Brothers or Lynard Skynard Blackberry Smoke lol
    Bro you are doing great here for you God Bless Dog
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-01-2012 at 02:27 PM.
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  5. #5
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    I've never really looked at it like that.. Once again thanks Surf.. There's nothing a depressed/addict likes more than positive re-enforcement.. Unfortunately that's all I look for in life.. That's one thing I'm always searching for is the positive re-enforcement.. I like that feeling when someone else recognizes what I do more than I should.. I look for their happiness instead of me being happy first..

    As for the music.. I like all kinds of music.. That's not the only thing I'm listening to.. LOL.. I'm one of those odd folk who could listen to good hip hop.. classic rock.. even classical.. if it sounds good I'll listen to it..

    Thanks again Surf.. Leaving work now and on to enjoy my kids "clean" for the first time in a very, very long time.. which makes me happy and sad at the same time..

    Keep Moving Forward-
    Peace-

    Mr_Dean

  6. #6
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Stay with happy man, try Blackberry Smoke them boys can PLAY good time music make you want to move puts me in a good mood! Give it time there some things that we have to relearn happiness comes from inside, you have a good heart you will find it I know these things.lol here for you bro God bless Surfdog
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  7. #7
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    " I know these things"......lol........I have a good buddy ,40 years. We camp, fish, hike, the great Smokey mnts. Along the Appalachian range.........he says that all the time.......lol
    Last edited by Sundwn; 06-01-2012 at 03:38 PM. Reason: Delete

  8. #8
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    [QUOTE=surfdog;364928]Stay with happy man, try Blackberry Smoke them boys can PLAY good time music make you want to move puts me in a good mood! Give it time there some things that we have to relearn happiness comes from inside, you have a good heart you will find it I know these things.lol here for you bro God bless Surfdog[/QUOTE.

    " I know these things"......lol........I have a good buddy ,40 years. We camp, fish, hike, the great Smokey mnts. Along the Appalachian range.........he says that all the time.......lol

  9. #9
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Surf or Sundwn.. Or anyone with advice regarding this matter.. I just told my wife about my addiction about 2 hours ago when I got home.. I broke down and cried like a baby telling her.. I wanted to wait for the kids to go to bed but I couldn't because it was driving me mad.. If I would've waited I would've chickened out and not told her.. I seem to be rushing things I know being it's only day 5 but I felt it was a hump I had to get over in order to continue my long road to recovery.. She didn't take it well as to be expected.. She can be very judgmental and not very understanding.. She wanted me to go with her to speak with someone when I came clean with her about chewing tobacco.. And that isn't even in the same hemisphere as this stuff.. Anyway- I was wondering.. What can I do to get US through this.. I've given her space and told her to go talk with her best friend about it if she needs to.. But no one else.. Her best friend's husband knows about my addiction just not sure if he knew the extent of it.. Just seeking some advice.. Still trying to get by..

    Mr_Dean

  10. #10
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sundwn View Post
    " I know these things"......lol........I have a good buddy ,40 years. We camp, fish, hike, the great Smokey mnts. Along the Appalachian range.........he says that all the time.......lol
    hey sundwn got to keep some humor going man, we had too much depressing stuff going on out there, refuse to be miserable, I believe in that "happy joyous and free' we work too hard to get there God Bless Surfdog

  11. #11
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Dean View Post
    Surf or Sundwn.. Or anyone with advice regarding this matter.. I just told my wife about my addiction about 2 hours ago when I got home.. I broke down and cried like a baby telling her.. I wanted to wait for the kids to go to bed but I couldn't because it was driving me mad.. If I would've waited I would've chickened out and not told her.. I seem to be rushing things I know being it's only day 5 but I felt it was a hump I had to get over in order to continue my long road to recovery.. She didn't take it well as to be expected.. She can be very judgmental and not very understanding.. She wanted me to go with her to speak with someone when I came clean with her about chewing tobacco.. And that isn't even in the same hemisphere as this stuff.. Anyway- I was wondering.. What can I do to get US through this.. I've given her space and told her to go talk with her best friend about it if she needs to.. But no one else.. Her best friend's husband knows about my addiction just not sure if he knew the extent of it.. Just seeking some advice.. Still trying to get by..

    Mr_Dean
    Dean you did the best thing in telling her, I'm sure she is hurt and mad and has a right to be. But at this point what else can you do? Man I wish you would go to a AA/NA meeting, there is so much you could gain there plus Alanon or Naranon for you wife. Give her time and one of my first questions would be who is the addict in her family? My wife was sicker than me she married and stayed with me. Now would have a normal person put up with me why $#@% no! We affect everyone we come into contact with. Answer questions but don't try and force any issues. If you believe in God Turn it over to him, it will work out the way it is supposed to be.
    Let her be angry, wouldn't you be livid with you? Time my friend time all you can do right now. Please go to a meeting!!! You did the right thing,you really did God Bless Surfdog
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  12. #12
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    You know Dean, Surfdog has made a very valid point about going to meetings. For one, it may very well show your wife that you are serious about this recovery. Not to mention what you personally will gain. You are not alone dude. All the things you have posted. Each and everyone of us has experienced in one form or another. You will find many kindred spirits and gain some incredible insight if you go. I believe " fear" often holds us back from moving forward. " fear of loosing what we have, fear of not getting what we want, and fear of change"..... Do it man, you got nothing to loose and everything to gain.......I know these things.....lol....SD
    Last edited by Sundwn; 06-02-2012 at 07:12 AM.
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  13. #13
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    SD so there are two of us that know these things lol What part of the Smokies do you go to we go every year
    And you are so right about meetings!

  14. #14
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    I love to camp and hit the mountains as well!! Problem is when "city" folk like me and my friends go camping we just get bombed on alcohol and drugs.. I have one of my annual camping trips coming up soon that I told my wife last night I'm not going to attend because it's not a good idea to surround myself with that "stuff".. We've been going to one spot since I was 17.. This one coming up used to be with the women until we all had kids.. Then it turned into just the guys.. When we go in October.. No bathrooms.. No facilities anywhere just living off the "fat O' The Land".. Good times.. I need to learn how to enjoy those "Good Times" on the clean side of life.. That's if she ever decides to let me go again.. LOL

    Mr_Dean

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    Sundwn is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post
    SD so there are two of us that know these things lol What part of the Smokies do you go to we go every year
    And you are so right about meetings!
    Surf, you never know where someone is from when your chatting online. Heck, we might be closer than you think. I am a native south carolinian. Up- state piedmont region. I now live here on the coast. I go back up several times a year. We trout fish the Chatooga river and the Chauga. Often times we follow topo maps up and around Ashville NC and the Cheerokee reservation. ( some of your ancestors who refused to walk the " trail of tears"....another white man atrocity )..We look for spots that have native trout, not stocked. This gets you waaaaay off the beaten path...lol. I also ride my HD Road King to Maggie Valley and onto the Blue Ridge Parkway towards Gatlinburg whenever time allows. Here on the coast.....like tomorrow.....I have been invited on a friends boat to cruise the intracoastal waterway for a few hours.......it is summertime....lol. What part of the country are you in? You don't have to be specific, I would never ask that........SD

  16. #16
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Middle GA go up to some of the same places you do. Love to fly fish for trout or anything else . Can't do much of the hiking anymore, heart, but do what I can. Got a cousin in Uncoi that owns a fly shop, near Helen GA can put us on some nice wild trout doe a reasonable rate. Ready to go when you are! Some of these are private waters with wild trout don't have to have a guide. Break my heart to have a big bow on lol Have to get together Dog

  17. #17
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Dean View Post
    I love to camp and hit the mountains as well!! Problem is when "city" folk like me and my friends go camping we just get bombed on alcohol and drugs.. I have one of my annual camping trips coming up soon that I told my wife last night I'm not going to attend because it's not a good idea to surround myself with that "stuff".. We've been going to one spot since I was 17.. This one coming up used to be with the women until we all had kids.. Then it turned into just the guys.. When we go in October.. No bathrooms.. No facilities anywhere just living off the "fat O' The Land".. Good times.. I need to learn how to enjoy those "Good Times" on the clean side of life.. That's if she ever decides to let me go again.. LOL

    Mr_Dean
    you will patience my friend stay into today, used to paddle a lot of white water but don't heal as quickly as I used to lol besides hanging around upside down under water is really not a good idea. Two kind of paddlers,those that swim and those about to.lol Dog
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  18. #18
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Dean View Post
    I love to camp and hit the mountains as well!! Problem is when "city" folk like me and my friends go camping we just get bombed on alcohol and drugs.. I have one of my annual camping trips coming up soon that I told my wife last night I'm not going to attend because it's not a good idea to surround myself with that "stuff".. We've been going to one spot since I was 17.. This one coming up used to be with the women until we all had kids.. Then it turned into just the guys.. When we go in October.. No bathrooms.. No facilities anywhere just living off the "fat O' The Land".. Good times.. I need to learn how to enjoy those "Good Times" on the clean side of life.. That's if she ever decides to let me go again.. LOL

    Mr_Dean
    Dean ,yea probably a good idea not to go with " de guys" this time around. Not trying to ruin the " good times". Cause we all need them. Not sure how close you are to these guys but if you are. Tell them. After you have some accountability under your belt. You will be and feel stronger. Years ago I spent 45 days in re - hab. When I got out. I thought I was going to have to have a sit down with some of them about my recovery process. It never happened. The ones still using ....they disappeared quickly. So I don't know man. I think it would be a huge burden with all the triggers going off....... Keep posting man....SD.

    Mr_Dean[/QUOTE]
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  19. #19
    Sundwn is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post
    Middle GA go up to some of the same places you do. Love to fly fish for trout or anything else . Can't do much of the hiking anymore, heart, but do what I can. Got a cousin in Uncoi that owns a fly shop, near Helen GA can put us on some nice wild trout doe a reasonable rate. Ready to go when you are! Some of these are private waters with wild trout don't have to have a guide. Break my heart to have a big bow on lol Have to get together Dog






    Surf, I see now on the right hand side you have listed Macon ga.....shoot man i have been there. It was years ago. I walked into a cemetery looking for someone and found them " Duane Allman and Berry Okley" I love those guys and still do. I grew up in a town with some pretty famous guys. Knew them well actually. Tommy, Toy and George are gone now. You know them as " The Marshell Tucker Band " not hard to figure out what town I grew up in....lol....yea, it's my understanding you have some great waters in those parts.....caught a Brook last year....very rare.
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  20. #20
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sundwn View Post
    Surf, I see now on the right hand side you have listed Macon ga.....shoot man i have been there. It was years ago. I walked into a cemetery looking for someone and found them " Duane Allman and Berry Okley" I love those guys and still do. I grew up in a town with some pretty famous guys. Knew them well actually. Tommy, Toy and George are gone now. You know them as " The Marshell Tucker Band " not hard to figure out what town I grew up in....lol....yea, it's my understanding you have some great waters in those parts.....caught a Brook last year....very rare.
    Sundwn used to run with the Bro's in my younger wilder days, and for sure knew Marshall Tucker, remember when Dereck Trucks was in diapers back stage running around. have you heard Blackberry Smoke? Used to be some rightous music here never knew who would be p[laying when you went out. Of course a lot is a blur now. Wouldn't live through it again no doubt. Tucker played here a couple of weeks ago.
    Got to go catch a trout or two or 8 or 10 Surfdog

  21. #21
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sundwn View Post
    Not sure how close you are to these guys but if you are.
    Unfortunately these guys are very close to me.. but if they are as close as I think they are they will understand.. Simple as that. Speaking of close people to me. I called an old friend today that I haven't spoken to in a long time. He and his brother grew apart from the crew when they decided to make a life changing decision and start attending AA.. We were best friends growing up from about age 12-20.. Seven years but we were tight.. They both decided to go to AA and we grew apart.. I wasn't even drinking that much at the time but I did on occasions and I could never figure out why they would just come hang out and not drink.. Now I understand why!!!! I'm going over to his house tomorrow to catch up and just talk.. I told him on the phone today briefly what I was going through and why I needed to talk.. Why I reached out to him.. As I suspected he welcomed the cup of coffee we're going to have with open arms and I'm looking forward to welcoming an old friend back into my life.. The Clean side of life..

    Thanks again guys.. I said it before and I'll say it again.. You guys have helped get through this more than anyone!!

    Mr_Dean

  22. #22
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr_Dean View Post
    Unfortunately these guys are very close to me.. but if they are as close as I think they are they will understand.. Simple as that. Speaking of close people to me. I called an old friend today that I haven't spoken to in a long time. He and his brother grew apart from the crew when they decided to make a life changing decision and start attending AA.. We were best friends growing up from about age 12-20.. Seven years but we were tight.. They both decided to go to AA and we grew apart.. I wasn't even drinking that much at the time but I did on occasions and I could never figure out why they would just come hang out and not drink.. Now I understand why!!!! I'm going over to his house tomorrow to catch up and just talk.. I told him on the phone today briefly what I was going through and why I needed to talk.. Why I reached out to him.. As I suspected he welcomed the cup of coffee we're going to have with open arms and I'm looking forward to welcoming an old friend back into my life.. The Clean side of life..

    Thanks again guys.. I said it before and I'll say it again.. You guys have helped get through this more than anyone!!

    Mr_Dean
    Excellent my friend, good move I think that will help a lot. He can explain things easier in person on somethings than we can here plus gives you someone to go to meetings with easier to make thre first one that way.Proud of you. I do agree with Sundwn I think making that trip is not a good idea right now. Too new too much temptation imo
    How are things with your wife? I do hope that is going better for you and her. Keep posting good to hear from you God Bless Surfdog

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    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Always a pleasure to hear from you as well Surf.. Slowly but surely things are getting better.. As expected it's very hard for her to grasp right now. We did have a long talk before and she just let me ramble on.. I think she's finally understanding what you had previously explained to me.. That addiction is a sickness/disease.. I think she's getting it slowly but surely and I told her to take her time and I will give her the space she needs.. I also told her I will do anything to prove to her that I'm completely done.. Including going to meetings. Sundwn.. Surf.. And the rest of you on here.. You all ROCK!!! I would be lost without you.

    Mr_Dean

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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks dean glad things are getting better just don't push and don't continually ask if she is OK. I found that one out the hard way.lol hang tight bro God Bless durfdog

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    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    I'm trying my hardest not to keep asking her if she is OK.. My desire for attention and approval makes that difficult. Plus.. I don't like seeing her upset and hurt because of me. That part hurts the most. She's feeling the way she is all because of something I've done to myself. One thing I know for sure is it will get better and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that possible.

    Mr_Dean

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