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Day 4-
  1. #1
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Default Day 4-

    Starting Day 4 today and I feel OK.. Not Great.. But OK.. I do slowly feel myself getting back to feeling great.. The great feeling I do feel is not having any stash of pills in my bag.. But most importantly.. Not wanting to have the stash.. I was able to hold down a breakfast this morning like I used to when I was the real me.. That part feels great.. I got to work nice and early looking forward to posting something on here.. That felt great.. Surfdog.. I can't thank you enough. Your words and posts have been so inspiring and I look forward to seeing what you have to write everyday. Thank you..

    Keep Moving Forward-
    Peace

    Mr_Dean

    PS- I think I do actually feel great it's just convincing myself that it's OK to feel great when you aren't on anything.. I'm working on that..

  2. #2
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Mr Dean, thank you, been called everything but a child of God, but never inspiring lol. Seriously that is a great compliment and thank you for not taking offense at some of the first post. We hate to think we could have acted the way we did when using especially hurting those we love and care about.
    This disease is like being on an elevator that only goes down. It makes periodic stops where we have the opportunity to get off or stay on, I always stayed on and it would go to a lower level. I really believe that there can be "high bottom " addicts. You don't have to have as low a bottom as a lot of us did. You're off the elevator now .And we will do what we can to help you stay off . You are doing great! Hang tight man and remember crazy is good for us, it is the insanity that kills us. God bless looking forward to hearing from you Surfdog
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  3. #3
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by ddcmod; 05-31-2012 at 03:22 PM.

  4. #4
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Mr Dean, Mr dean,? That community is bigger than you thought isn't it?. I'm not sure that early in recovery that I could have done that . Good on ya!!!! Proud of you and damned impressed to boot!That had to hard to do and still having wd. Impressed. That shows an amazing amount of desire and effort. We can surprise ourselves at times. I do it on a regular basis opening my mouth and say something knowing while I'm saying it" Oh God I'm going to catch hell for this" and still say it. lol You did well my friend, really well!
    The anger is usually the 1st emotion to come to the surface especially during wd. We are easily agitated by things that normally would not bother us. And it easy to feel compared to other emotions. One thing that helped me was again my sponsor, told me to ask myself two questions (1 how important is it? ( how will it affect the rest of my life? Wasn't a whole lot worth getting angry about after that. Of course I did more of making amends than asking to start with because I would remember the asking after I jumped some one's case. lol takes practice! You are not trying! You are doing! ya done good bro! God Bless Surfdog

  5. #5
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Thank you surf_dog.. What a day today.. Craziness at work.. Then that happening after work.. I do need to clarify a few things from the post that was deleted because I was swearing.. First.. Why did I even take it? Not sure If I mentioned this previously but I made a friend in the pharmacy.. She approached me at the counter while I was buying a Starbucks Frap.. Why from the pharmacy?? It was cheaper for one.. and secondly they had the flavor I was looking for.. I walked in.. Didn't even look back to the pharmacy part, grabbed the Frappuccino and rushed to the counter.. As I'm standing there I'm about to give the cashier the money when I hear someone call my name.. I knew immediately who it was and couldn't believe it!! All those times previously going in there wishing I could run into her away from behind her counter and now is the time it happens.. Not wanting to make a scene in front of the other people who work there I simply said I'm good.. You see.. She handed me a bottle that I had given her a few weeks ago asking if there were anything she could do for me since I had done her a favor.. She never said no.. Only said I'll see what I can do.. Never heard back from her and I didn't want to bother her by keep calling her so I let it go.. Now deciding to give it up I run into her.. So ironic how life is.. and much it can suck sometimes..

    However.. It's also amazing how great you can feel by doing something like I did today.. There is one little thing.. As I stated previously this go around of trying to quit I'm using some Mary Jane to get me through the rough part.. It just so happens I did take one single hit of some about 15 minutes prior to this happening.. That one hit has gotten me all the way through to now.. That one hit also helped me flush them down the toilet.. I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FLUSH THEM IF I DIDN'T TAKE THAT HIT!!! So I then spent the next couple hours thinking about that non-stop- Was it the Mary Jane.. Was it me kicking pill habit for good? It really is amazing how much I argue with myself sometimes. Anyone agree with that?

    Standing over the toilet with those pills in my hand maybe lasted about a minute.. I was expecting to see a bunch of 7.5/500 vicodin.. Instead I saw 10/325 Percs.. I was staring at something that I used to look at as pure gold.. That feeling that shot to my stomach when I dumped them into my hand was crazy.. I closed my eyes.. Went over a few scenarios in my head.. Turned my hand over and flushed.. I wouldn't be able to face the people I just added to my support group if I kept even a few.. I wouldn't be able to talk to them about anything because I would've been too ashamed.. That made me realize why we need support groups.. People around us that will help us get through very hard times.. But people that I can share a story like this with.. Surf.. I don't know personally but I feel I do.. I was looking forward to seeing your post all day in response to my lil story.. Once again I thank you..

    Day 5 starts tomorrow- Looking forward to it!!

    Keep Moving Forward-
    Peace-

    Mr_Dean
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  6. #6
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    that is Amazing MrDean!!!! Well done sir. Sounds like a person who wants to be free again. Keep up the good fight! Its better on this side.
    Hi my name is Adam, i'm an addict
    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    “If I can't win what sense does it make to fight?” -Father Martin on Step 1
    Clean as of 05.30.2014 (4:00pm)

  7. #7
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    i would like to add, you HAVE to disassociate yourself with any and all persons that may enable you. You were lucky to have made it through something like that. Don't bank on it twice. Hang tough
    surfdog likes this.
    Hi my name is Adam, i'm an addict
    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    “If I can't win what sense does it make to fight?” -Father Martin on Step 1
    Clean as of 05.30.2014 (4:00pm)

  8. #8
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Mr dean, I haven't the term Mary Jane in over 40 years lol Guess it depends on what part of the country you are from. You need to tell the pharmacist what you are doing and please not to do that again. Now I'm suspicious and cynical by nature when it comes to drugs, can't help it helped me stay alive, and my guess is she will want a favor from you. Might be wrong but I doubt it, That kinda freebe just doesn't happen. Pay a little more for the Frap and avoid this pharmacy. For a while at least avoid this place every time you walk in a subtle little bell will go off in your brain. Early in recovery I wouldn't watch the news.

    What is always the biggest story drug bust, then they would show the drugs and I'm sitting there thinking "man look at that #$%#, ooohhh what I could do with that"" beer commercial come on and I could actually taste it would have to change channels. Early on we have to change those playgrounds and playmates some people we have to love from a distance. First time I went to Fla to see my brother, crossing the Howard Franklin bridge and the thought hit me out of no where I know where to score. Would not leave the house without him with me.
    I know these seem like little things but at that time I could not trust myself.And I was a little over a year clean. Just making the point that we never know when those thoughts will hit us just be careful. You have done so well, I really want you to make it but I can't want it for you more than you want it for yourself.
    Doing great man keep moving forward Surfdog

    Oh the Kid was dead on in the above post !!

  9. #9
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Good thing is I never watch the news anyways.. They only report things to keep you in fear and make you even more depressed and worried about the world you live in.. I'm cynical as well brotha!! As far as the "favor" the pharmacist is looking for.. I already did that favor for her and that's why I had asked when I was using.. It just took her a while to follow through. I climbed a huge mountain yesterday and conquered it and I'm well aware that there are many more ahead of me to come. Life's other problems don't seem so hard to tackle anymore since I've decided to kick this nasty habit. Granted, It's only day 5 and I have a ways to go but I have to start somewhere right?

    BTW- I used to think the same thing when I would hear about those things on the news..

    ComebackKid- You are absolutely right- I have already started dis-associating myself with anyone who used to "hook me up".. I saw a co-worker today who recently just retired and he said to me this morning.. "I'm getting another shipment in next week.." My response.. "Don't call me.." He immediately understood what I meant because he knew I was addicted. He's an older gentleman in poor health who needs to get his act together as well but that's another story for another day.. Day 3 I erased all contacts in my phone of people that were able to get me anything.. Yesterday I dumped Pills down the toilet.. Can't wait to see what today brings.. Whatever it is.. I'm ready for it!!

    Keep Moving Forward-

    Mr_Dean
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  10. #10
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Good on ya man you're doing well let me hear from you this afternoon God Bless Surfdog

  11. #11
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Sounds like you have the right attitude Dean! Im glad to hear it. One thing I did that went a long way was changing my phone number. You can delete contacts all day long, but if those contacts still can get in touch with you, you have a problem. It has been one of the most important moves I made in the first week. I was lucky that my supplier(s) didn't know where I worked or lived. I only had a cell phone, so no home phone worries. It may not be that simple to you. But just think of everything. Keep up the good work!
    Mr_Dean and surfdog like this.
    Hi my name is Adam, i'm an addict
    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    “If I can't win what sense does it make to fight?” -Father Martin on Step 1
    Clean as of 05.30.2014 (4:00pm)

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