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approaching husband tonight about addiction
  1. #1
    scaredandangry is offline New Member
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    Default approaching husband tonight about addiction

    like so many of these posts i am reading, my husband is too addicted to pain pills. i have never caught him with pills, or seen him take them. We have however been down this road before, about 2.5 years ago. He admitted to doing it. was lying, stealing, and all that good stuff. The kicker for me is, that unlike many of the stories im reading, he doesnt get glassy eye'd, doesnt sleep all day, or lash out. Hes actually a really nice guy and a good dad, our marriage never really recovered after the first discovery, but Im happy and we get along. Money is a big issue for me in particular and after 2.5 years ago, of course I track everything closely and for the past year its been getting sketchy again. There have now been a string of events that are just oh too familiar and i just dont need proof to know he is back into this again. We also have two children, 9 and 7. I am lucky and have his family's support, as they were involved and stolen from last time around. Me, his siblings and father are comfronting him tonight. I am there to support him and pray he just admits the problem and seeks treatment. But, and this is terrible, but Im not sure I can go through this every 3 years or whatever for the rest of my life, sometimes I just want to get a divorce and give up and move on. I think "If i would of left last time, I may be over it by now". Im being selfish but I just can not believe I married a guy who obviously loves pills more than his family. im just sick, tired, empty, drained emotionally, and just want it to be over. i go back and forth, but really i love him and just get angry with him for putting our family in this nightmare. anyway - tonight is going to be the worst night ever and im scared and angry and afraid for him and sad i have to do this to him. any advice on what to say and how to approach him without him feeling totally bombarded and defensive?? >> like to be somewhat prepared so I can hopefully control my emotions...control being not a total crying freak like I was 2.5 years ago when i first found out about this problem.
    Last edited by ddcmod; 02-08-2012 at 03:03 PM.

  2. #2
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by scaredandangry View Post
    like so many of these posts i am reading, my husband is too addicted to pain pills. i have never caught him with pills, or seen him take them. We have however been down this road before, about 2.5 years ago. He admitted to doing it. was lying, stealing, and all that good stuff. The kicker for me is, that unlike many of the stories im reading, he doesnt get glassy eye'd, doesnt sleep all day, or lash out. Hes actually a really nice guy and a good dad, our marriage never really recovered after the first discovery, but Im happy and we get along. Money is a big issue for me in particular and after 2.5 years ago, of course I track everything closely and for the past year its been getting sketchy again. There have now been a string of events that are just oh too familiar and i just dont need proof to know he is back into this ???? again. We also have two children, 9 and 7. I am lucky and have his family's support, as they were involved and stolen from last time around. Me, his siblings and father are comfronting him tonight. I am there to support him and pray he just admits the problem and seeks treatment. But, and this is terrible, but Im not sure I can go through this every 3 years or whatever for the rest of my life, sometimes I just want to get a divorce and give up and move on. I think "If i would of left last time, I may be over it by now". Im being selfish but I just can not believe I married a guy who obviously loves pills more than his family. im just sick, tired, empty, drained emotionally, and just want it to be over. i go back and forth, but really i love him and just get angry with him for putting our family in this nightmare. anyway - tonight is going to be the worst night ever and im scared and angry and afraid for him and sad i have to do this to him. any advice on what to say and how to approach him without him feeling totally bombarded and defensive?? >> like to be somewhat prepared so I can hopefully control my emotions...control being not a total crying freak like I was 2.5 years ago when i first found out about this problem.
    First off, welcome to the board and thank you for asking advice. I'll address the easiest most direct fact first, even if you divorced him you have children with him and he will never be out of your life! You would just be divorced and have no control over what was going on in his house when the kids have visitations with him.....it would had been a bigger issue. With that said, if he's addicted or even just dependent support from loved ones is always the best route to go. If he's not ready to give them up then he's going to tell you he's on them again. How did you get it out of him the 1st time? He's not a bad person because he has this problem. Go with what you feel is best for your relationship and as parents to your children. If you feel confronting him with his family is best then go with that but it will prob make him defensive and maybe even angry if he's not ready. If he's ready to stop then a one on one heartfelt supportive talk would most likely get better results. In my line of work we keep things at the lowest level and if it can't be handled that way we start including people one at a time until it ends up in a group. Just my suggestion and only my opinion on the whole situation.

    Oh and my behavior on the medication was no different that when off....maybe a little more easy going because it relaxed me but other than that you would have no idea I was taking it.

  3. #3
    korbon is offline Member
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    I've been married and divorced 3 times and the majority of problems were from drug and alcohol abuse, mostly mine.

    I think you should lay it out just like you did here. That you can't be doing this every few years and if he doesn't do something serious to get clean you're going to file for divorce. Otherwise he's not likely to stop IMO.

    Good luck.

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    Keep in mind that he is sick, not bad, sick. The only known way to recover is to arrest the disease and daily maintenance of recovery.

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    scaredandangry is offline New Member
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    The first time was bad. Basically I fooled his friend into telling me they smoked pot together. That was bad enough for me. I was very upset and called my parents, who then told me on several ocassions he stole pills from them and they "set him up" and busted him. That discovery led to another and another and well, many many more similar times. I basically asked him to live with his sister until he came up with his plan. He was back home in a week. I started NA counceling and went to classes once a week for family members, that was a huge help! but time kinda went on and he actually never got help. now here we are, again.

    Im glad you told me that u were the same person. he may even be more easy going and happy when he is on them. he is mildly moody, and sometimes just happier and more playful with the kids than others.

    It scares the daylights out of me to imagine the kids with him if he refuses help and then im left with no choices.

    I wanted to talke to him one on one tonight but his dad is the one who was stolen from just this past weekend and was going to do it himself so now i guess his dad thinks the siblings would add support and hopefully control his own temper. I think he is right. Im too emotional and just cry. Im stronger this time than last, but when I actually start talkign outloud about it...water works.

    the kids are staying overnight with a sister so they are not around for this.

    I feel like i have two options depending on his response:
    1 - he denies it - I ask him to leave and file
    2 - he denies it - I give him the weekend to come up with a plan or admit it

    1 - he admits it - I give him until monday to come up with a plan
    if monday comes with no plan - i guess i file.

    I dont want to mess around wtih this anymore. last time i caved. hes been stealing from our joint account, our chuch!!! our family friends for at least the last year that I have been suspecious again. unless he wants to get help, I feel like I can only help myself and file. and get my lawyer to ask for a drug test before every visitation. mean but i chose my kids. he choses drugs.

    will i actually go through with this. i didnt last time. i hope im stronger this time.
    girl80902 likes this.

  6. #6
    scaredandangry is offline New Member
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    I know this is a disease and he is sick. but if he doesnt seek help what do i do? jsut keep overdrafting in our account and fight over cash withdrawls every week? i just feel like i have no options, unless he wants help. im sure he wants help, but im scared he wont actually do anything real to get it. i made every appointment last time, got the insurance stuff, called people, all that...he didnt even go.

    what can i do. I know he is sick. its a disease. just like cancer. I conflicted about doing what is right in God's eyes too. Im just a hot mess.

  7. #7
    korbon is offline Member
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    I was the one to file for divorce all 3 times. That doesn't make it any easier though.

    If he denies it you also have the option to drug test him on the spot. You can probably pick one up at most larger pharmacies.

    If all he's doing is smoking weed I'd learn to live with it, if he's doing crystal meth or something that's a different story. I'd give him the opportunity to go into inpatient treatment if you can manage that. I just don't think he'll stop unless not doing so has real consequences.

  8. #8
    girl80902 is offline Member
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    [QUOTE=scaredandangry;350720]The first time was bad. Basically I fooled his friend into telling me they smoked pot together. That was bad enough for me. I was very upset and called my parents, who then told me on several ocassions he stole pills from them and they "set him up" and busted him. That discovery led to another and another and well, many many more similar times. I basically asked him to live with his sister until he came up with his plan. He was back home in a week. I started NA counceling and went to classes once a week for family members, that was a huge help! but time kinda went on and he actually never got help. now here we are, again.

    Im glad you told me that u were the same person. he may even be more easy going and happy when he is on them. he is mildly moody, and sometimes just happier and more playful with the kids than others.

    It scares the daylights out of me to imagine the kids with him if he refuses help and then im left with no choices.

    I wanted to talke to him one on one tonight but his dad is the one who was stolen from just this past weekend and was going to do it himself so now i guess his dad thinks the siblings would add support and hopefully control his own temper. I think he is right. Im too emotional and just cry. Im stronger this time than last, but when I actually start talkign outloud about it...water works.

    the kids are staying overnight with a sister so they are not around for this.

    I feel like i have two options depending on his response:
    1 - he denies it - I ask him to leave and file
    2 - he denies it - I give him the weekend to come up with a plan or admit it

    1 - he admits it - I give him until monday to come up with a plan
    if monday comes with no plan - i guess i file.

    I dont want to mess around wtih this anymore. last time i caved. hes been stealing from our joint account, our chuch!!! our family friends for at least the last year that I have been suspecious again. unless he wants to get help, I feel like I can only help myself and file. and get my lawyer to ask for a drug test before every visitation. mean but i chose my kids. he choses drugs.

    will i actually go through with this. i didnt last time. i hope im stronger this time.[/QUOTE

    Calm down....breath... and start wrighting down what you want to say to him during this family meeting. That will help you to remain in control, so you don't let your emotions side track you. You have a very good plan of action you just posted. Now that you have given more info its easier to asses your situation. I didn't know you had hard core facts...the way you wrote it made it out like you just had a feeling. Let his father lead the conversation since it will be better coming from the person he stole from. You husband needs to hit rock bottom before he really wants to stop! Its just a cold hard fact....its its fun and he can get away with it then he'll keep doing it....if things start to get hot for him then it no longer becomes fun and he's going to have to decide whats more important. Tough love is the way to make him hit rock bottom and decide right now. You are all are doing the right thing tonight (I feel).

  9. #9
    scaredandangry is offline New Member
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    [QUOTE=girl80902;350736]
    Quote Originally Posted by scaredandangry View Post
    The first time was bad. Basically I fooled his friend into telling me they smoked pot together. That was bad enough for me. I was very upset and called my parents, who then told me on several ocassions he stole pills from them and they "set him up" and busted him. That discovery led to another and another and well, many many more similar times. I basically asked him to live with his sister until he came up with his plan. He was back home in a week. I started NA counceling and went to classes once a week for family members, that was a huge help! but time kinda went on and he actually never got help. now here we are, again.

    Im glad you told me that u were the same person. he may even be more easy going and happy when he is on them. he is mildly moody, and sometimes just happier and more playful with the kids than others.

    It scares the daylights out of me to imagine the kids with him if he refuses help and then im left with no choices.

    I wanted to talke to him one on one tonight but his dad is the one who was stolen from just this past weekend and was going to do it himself so now i guess his dad thinks the siblings would add support and hopefully control his own temper. I think he is right. Im too emotional and just cry. Im stronger this time than last, but when I actually start talkign outloud about it...water works.

    the kids are staying overnight with a sister so they are not around for this.

    I feel like i have two options depending on his response:
    1 - he denies it - I ask him to leave and file
    2 - he denies it - I give him the weekend to come up with a plan or admit it

    1 - he admits it - I give him until monday to come up with a plan
    if monday comes with no plan - i guess i file.

    I dont want to mess around wtih this anymore. last time i caved. hes been stealing from our joint account, our chuch!!! our family friends for at least the last year that I have been suspecious again. unless he wants to get help, I feel like I can only help myself and file. and get my lawyer to ask for a drug test before every visitation. mean but i chose my kids. he choses drugs.

    will i actually go through with this. i didnt last time. i hope im stronger this time.[/QUOTE

    Calm down....breath... and start wrighting down what you want to say to him during this family meeting. That will help you to remain in control, so you don't let your emotions side track you. You have a very good plan of action you just posted. Now that you have given more info its easier to asses your situation. I didn't know you had hard core facts...the way you wrote it made it out like you just had a feeling. Let his father lead the conversation since it will be better coming from the person he stole from. You husband needs to hit rock bottom before he really wants to stop! Its just a cold hard fact....its its fun and he can get away with it then he'll keep doing it....if things start to get hot for him then it no longer becomes fun and he's going to have to decide whats more important. Tough love is the way to make him hit rock bottom and decide right now. You are all are doing the right thing tonight (I feel).

    Thanks for the advice. last night went as good as possible I think. Admission was key and today he is seeking help by going to the dr. and trying to get a referal for treatment. he said inpatient was not an option for him. He admitted he was only off for about 3 months after the last time. he didnt admit to everything but that he did two yesterday of oxi's??? is that a lot? he said he didnt have money for more and didnt have a stash...who knows. but what is 2 oxi's?? he did not say how many he takes just that he does what sounded like take something every day. I am waiting to hear what the dr. says and then what his next steps plans are. I did print off our insurance coverage stuff for him but keep making myself step back bc I tend to take over and that doesn't work. he needs to be the one to want help. I just hope he gets it. I can hope for the best and prepare for the worst. and just hope. but is 2 oxi's a day bad? if that is what he was taking. he said he took 2 yesterday but also took out cash with a lame excuse so im sure there is more, or he way paying off a debt.

  10. #10
    scaredandangry is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by korbon View Post
    I was the one to file for divorce all 3 times. That doesn't make it any easier though.

    If he denies it you also have the option to drug test him on the spot. You can probably pick one up at most larger pharmacies.

    If all he's doing is smoking weed I'd learn to live with it, if he's doing crystal meth or something that's a different story. I'd give him the opportunity to go into inpatient treatment if you can manage that. I just don't think he'll stop unless not doing so has real consequences.

    sorry, no smoking is what triggered the downpouring of info. the first time i found our he was into pills. i cant live with either. Again, like so many on here I have a personal family connection growing up with a bio-polar sister who was also a pill and pot head. and to me drugs are drugs. but i guess it wouldnt of been so bad if it was "just pot". god i dont even know what the hell crystal meth would look like. he said pills, and oxi's. I asked him to go last night to an inpatient place close by, he said no but wants to get help and he is thinking outpatient. IDK. I dont even really know what im dealing with. I mean detox around the kids...that can get bad I am reading. esp. if he has been doing this for the past 10 years (oh year, that was the first time I noticed pills missing, after giving birth to our first). so i can only assume it was him. I used to blame my sister who also has addiciton problems. so im going with 10 years just not sure how many per day he takes. but detoxing at home could be bad right for the kids?? what should i expect?

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