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- 1 Post By ARTIST658
What's your opinion?
What's your opinion?
Ever since middle school I've had severe anxiety and have been suicidal. I learned how to deal with my panic attacks, but recently my depression has gotten a lot worse. In September of last year I started going to intensive therapy and was put on medication. To make a long story short, I was on so many different medications, went to mental hospitals more than once, and tried committing suicide more than once as well. Doctors have given me, prozac, zoloft, seroquel, seroquel XR, depakote, zyprexa, buspar, klonopin, and xanax. Nothing has worked besides the Klonopin, but I only took it to get high and so I could go to school without being nervous about others judgement the entire time. Please note, when I had possession of the Klonopin, I didn't abuse it. I took it once or twice a week, 4mg at a time. I am an 18 year old male, 140 pounds.
Now, I'm very suicidal and have a very valid plan on carrying it out, but that's not why I'm here... I'm wondering if I should go "doctor shopping" so I can find one that will give me a benzo again. I know I don't 'need' them, but I honestly think I'm going to commit suicide if I don't get something to take the edge off. I just hate life that much. My parents are also 100% on my side and are willing to go to different doctors until I get valium or klonopin.
So what do you think I should do? Go on the hunt for benzos, or suffer though life and maybe commit suicide?
I also posted this in the general help section, but I want to get your opinion about it.
Sorry if this was wrong to do, I'm new.
i`m sorry for what i`m going yo say ..
i think you should have stronger WILL.
i think there must be Centers of psychiatric treatment in your country ,
it could help you more than the medicine you are looking for ..
these centers will help you love the life and live happily .
it will help you find a target in life ..
it`s a good thing that you have your parents in your side ..
thats my opinion ,,
Hey there, :3
Originally Posted by :3
I've read through your posts, and I can certainly relate to how you're feeling. Thankfully, my attempts at suicide were unsuccessful, but I know the desperate place of wanting to escape from life, one way or another. I can appreciate how it feels to sit with those feelings day in, day out - and have no idea how to change it.
For me, for a while, I plunged into drug use - benzos, as well as narcotics. I thought that was the only thing making my miserable life a little more bearable. The pills became my life line; it was the ONLY way I could feel ANY better at all. So when others tried to tell me that I was developing a problem with the pills, I dismissed it quickly, as I knew they had NO idea what I was going through. To give up the pills, i believed, was to give up the ONLY thing that I enjoyed in my life.
But benzos and narcotics have a life of their own, once we start to depend upon them. Addiction takes ahold of us, and by the time we realize the extent of our problem - it's already taking charge of our lives. So, even though I started out with just a pill or two here or there, it didn't remain that way. Addiction progresses - it doesn't stand still. And these drugs also build up a tolerance within us, so that the same amount of the drug doesn't give us the same 'high' we had at the beginning. So that's how addiction slowly but surely took over my life - I needed more and more, as time went on - and got less and less relief. So then I switched to stronger drugs - away from the doctors' offices and onto the streets. In short order, my life crumbled completely. I reached that place in hell where no drug would help me - but life without drugs was unbearable - nothing was working. Only then was someone able to get through to me - you could say I was utterly humbled into defeat - and surrender. My ways didn't work.
It took that kind of utter desperation for me to become willing to go in-patient and get some real help. Basically, I had nothing to lose. I had this idea that if it didn't help, suicide was still an option. For me, I went to long-term treatment for addiction; you may not need this, if you're still managing your drug use. You may want to consider other hospitalization, however, as your emotional issues do need the attention of someone who can devote themselves to finding you answers. I spent 6 months in-patient (honest!) - and those 6 months turned my life around 180 degrees. Not only was I free of the drugs, but I had learned new coping tools to deal with life. I had gotten to know more about myself and my past - to understand the "hows" and "whys" of my problems. I could address issues from childhood that were lurking - undetected - within me. Once i was able to look at those "inner demons" and confront them with a professional, I was able to get past them - and find out I could actually enjoy life, as never before.
And - to top it off - now that my body was free of any drugs (or booze or pot or anything!) - now the medical professionals could better see if I needed pharmaceutical help for my underlying depression or anxiety. It's almost impossible for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs to work properly, if we're abusing them - or mixing them with other drugs. I was put on an anti-depressant, which worked - a drug that hadn't "worked" before, while I was abusing other drugs! And, ultimately, I didn't need the anti-anxiety medication; I learned so many tools to handle anxiety while I was in-patient, that I didn't need a drug to help.
Today, many years later, my life is nothing short of amazing. In fact, almost every day, I feel a bit awestruck by how it's all turned out. My problems when I was younger had threatened to consume me; I came to believe my life would always be that miserable. But no. MOST problems in life are temporary. They pass. What is tormenting us today - is forgotten in another month or year. When we react to our problems with suicide, we're trying to put a permanent solution onto a temporary problem! Seriously, hon, life IS worth living. There's so much of life I missed out on when I was younger - by turning to pills, rather than addressing the underlying "stuff" that was inside me.
If you can find it within yourself to muster up half the energy to find legitimate (non-drug!) help as you are willing to expend to find the benzos - you'll be amazed. It's a change in mind-set that is needed. You need to look at life in the long-term, and not simply in the feelings you feel today. Drugs are a "quick fix" - they make us feel better for the moment, but that "fix" doesn't last and we need more. And, to top it off, that "fix" leads to a lot of grief, as well - as it wears off, we feel depression and despair far deeper than when we began. The way we change our lives is to stop seeking out the "quick fix" - but being open to the long-term solutions. They are there - they take a little more effort, but the results are so worth it.
Rather than trying to chase down more pills (which will never be "enough" pills) ask your parents to help you to find a medical facility that can offer you real solutions, beyond pharmaceutical ones. There's many types of psychiatric hospitals and rehab centers, each with their own protocol for how they work with their clients. The ironic part of my story is, I now work in a treatment center for substance abuse. Now I'm the one helping others to change their lives! And what I see, day in, day out, inspires me. The human spirit is an amazing thing.
I hope you return to this forum to post again. You're in my prayers, hon.
PS I wanted to add this link for valuable information about benzo drugs: http://www.benzo.org.uk/index.htm My worst, most desperate depression occurred while I was taking benzos - even following the proper dosage directions. These drugs are powerful and extraordinarily addictive. They can often actually boomerang - and PRODUCE more anxiety in the long run, rather than relieve it. Today, I wouldn't touch a benzo drug with a 10 foot pole; they were that horrific to my life. When I see a benzo drug - I see a "skull and crossbones."
A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, good and bad together, knowing that the gentlest of hearts will listen, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the bad away.