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Time to get out!
  1. #1
    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    Default Time to get out!

    My life has evolved into a living Hell. My 24 year old daughter died last month of a >>>>>> OD & I can no longer deal with my wife's $1000 a month pain pill addiction. My story is the same as everyone else, repeated treatment, lies, secret people & places. We both have good jobs, a beautiful home, & it's all rotting from the inside. I really wanted to try to make this work, but with the death of my beloved daughter, I can no longer stand on the sidelines hoping things will get better.

    The hard part is we have a 9 year old son. She claims to suffer from headaches after giving birth, but I don't care any longer. I suffer everyday from back pain & have found ways to deal with it without medication. I quit drinking & hard drugs back in 97. I started to smoke weed a couple years ago, but have quit that after it was being used as justification for her abuse.

    She wants an easier softer way that doesn't exist & flat out refuses detox. She duped me for the last time just before my daughter died & I gave her the choice of me or the drug dealer & she didn't pick me. She has stolen thousands of dollars from me & her mom. We met in AA, she had a couple more years than I, but refuses to go back. I have always kept touch with my AA sponsor & have recently reconnected with my old NA buddies. I am seeing a psychologist weekly. I'm prepared to lose everything if that's what it takes to get out of this nightmare. Even if she could get clean, it doesn't matter, she also is a compulsive g a mbler.
    Last edited by allhopeisgone; 06-05-2012 at 12:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    One thing I can say is All Hope is Never gone!! It may seem that way but it's not. I'm not a Dr... I'm not a professional Therapist.. I'm an ex-Pill Junkie who is currently in the early stages of my recovery process. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter- Being a father of two I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. One thing I can say for sure is she has to WANT to be helped. I also recommend making your decisions solely based on the best interests of your 9 year old son. Not saying you don't already- I mean anything you decide to do should be based on what's best for him. There's always hope my friend.. Never stop trying to find it!!

    Mr_Dean

  3. #3
    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    I can't see anything to be hopeful for. I fought a 2 year expensive battle to get my daughter away from her junkie mother 12 years ago, I won the battle, but lost the war. She ODed in her mom's home. My son is a total mamas boy & this is going to shatter him, I hope he understands later. I dealt with years of resentment from my daughter until she was old enough to understand that I was doing the right thing. The reason I first got sober was because of my love for her. I'm going to relive this nightmare I'm already too familar with. It is either do the right thing or meditate in the closet with a gun in my mouth. I will never commit suicide, that would be too easy.

  4. #4
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    I hear what you're saying Mr Hope.. But here's my thoughts.. As I sit here trying to find the right words to say to you that will make everything better I just can't find them. Probably because there are no simple or easy solutions to your dilemma. There never usually are simple solutions to major dilemma's in life. Yes.. A Momma's boy will be shattered if he was taken away from his mother. However- Those pieces can and WILL be put back together because of a loving and caring father like yourself. You already know what needs to be done it's just hard to actually go and do it.. And that's OK..

    I deal with kids every day at work who were dealt a much worse hand than your son because they don't have BOTH parents to rely on. I work with inner-city kids who come from the projects- Majority don't have both parents and in most of those cases those single parents are junkies who are incapable of raising their own children. They rely on others around them to raise their kids- Most kids get lucky because they have relatives in the area that can and do help with raising them- But in most cases they rely on me and the other teachers at the school- and every other school across NYC around the projects. I've had countless meetings with parents and they show up either on drugs or smelling of alcohol. It really is sad because during the meeting you can see the pain and anger on the kids face. I've seen that look on the face of kids as young as 4th grade- Why? Because even they know their parents aren't doing the right thing by them.

    Mr Hope.. You are a strong willed man as you have battled and beaten an addiction yourself. You haven't relapsed during all this right? I know you already know what you have to do it's just a matter of actually doing it. Remember- A shattered 9 year old boy needs to be put back together by his dad.. You love your son- He loves you- HE NEEDS YOU!!!

    Hope I am able to offer some insight- I'm on here a lot and I will be looking for your responses. I'm praying for you- Your son- and your wife.

    Mr_Dean
    Last edited by Mr_Dean; 06-06-2012 at 09:19 AM.

  5. #5
    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    Today will be busy. I finally got a hold of my lawyer & have an appointment after work. I will also see my psychologist today & hopefully attend a NA men’s meeting tonight. She was a bit remorseful last night because she owns her dealer & had to pull money to pay him in order to get more to get her by until her appointment on Thursday to set up Suboxine. I think she senses something is up due to my indifference. I said "do what you have to do" when she mentioned her appointment.

    She threatened to have me falsely arrested for DV last week, so I asked my 19 year old nephew to move in to protect me from that. I'll probable pull a credit report today to see the wreckage. She will not confess to anything unless I show her in black & white. I was able to get a bank statement from her account showing $1800 in over drafts & shows her cashing in part of her retirement.

    I also need to swing by my babysitters to pay them, they are good Christian folks, & we will have a talk about my loss of faith in Christianity. Then there's the matter of private school, I can't see it continuing, but it's pretty important to her fantasy world. I'm not sure how it will play out, but I'm trying to keep my cards hidden. The psychologist has helped me not do anything stupid up to this point. I wanted to go to her work & confront the Aunt of her drug dealer or drop my Garmin in her car to find her dealer, but he advised me against those ideas.

  6. #6
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Sounds like you're making those tough first steps- I was just thinking about you after I responded to your post. I thought about putting myself in your shoes- And also your wife's shoes. It was easier to put myself in your wife's shoes because for the past 5 years I was hooked on Pain Pills- Problem was I was able to successfully hide it from just about everyone- Then the thought hit me- What would I have done if my wife caught me doing it say 3 years ago? What would I have done if she threatened to kick me out and never see my kids again unless I got clean. 2-3 years ago I was using so heavily that I'm not sure how it would've played out- One thing I know for certain is this- Nothing in this world can keep me from my children- When I was using my favorite thing to do was just be with them because it just enhanced my happiness. That part hurts me a lot to even say but it was true and I am able to accept it now.

    If she is sensing something is up then she knows and recognizes she needs help- That's a good thing- She may also recognize that you're not playing around anymore and you mean business which means she doesn't want to lose you. Sounds crazy but those are positive steps. Has she ever tried to get help before? Have you seen her actually put effort into trying to get clean?

    Pain killer addiction changes each person it affects- It wasn't that she chose you over the Pills- The Pills did that to her- You said you both have good jobs- The pills didn't cause her to lose her job right? In her mind she's functioning so why stop? Now that you have had enough and she sees that it might just make her realize it's time to get out of that prison she's stuck in.

    Again- I'm in early stages of recovery- This is actually my 10th day clean. I'm not an expert but I do care very much for others who were/are locked in that prison- I have too much to lose if I go back now because Everyone around me knows about it and they wouldn't stand for it.. Especially my wife!!

    I hope I am able to offer some kind of insight Hope.. Keep Posting- Because I'll be reading!!

    Mr_Dean

  7. #7
    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    Mr. Dean I very much appreciate your input. I started smoking weed a couple years ago after over 10 years clean for a couple reasons. It allowed me to spend countless hours hanging out with my daughter. I am a very high strung person that finds relaxation nearly impossible. I quit a few times during this period for a couple months at a time for various reasons, most recently because it was being used as justification for my wife to continue to use. It has lost its joy & I have no desire for it any longer, but I have no regrets about doing it & won't withhold any of this at NA. I was worried at first that it may lead to other things, but that was never the case with me.

    I read your thread before posting mine & it reminds me of a chemistry teacher I sponsored that was providing chemicals to his cook. He has now been clean over ten years & is an administrator like yourself. I was really glad to see you post.

    My wife went to treatment a few years ago, but wouldn't cop to the g ambling addiction. Apparently it didn't take long until she was using pills again, she started stealing my ambien I use only every 6 weeks (rotating shifts). When I asked my Doc for my biannual refill, he said he already called it in. I chose to largely ignore the problem after that, then I found she was getting more credit cards to max out. When her credit wouldn't give her more, she started to snatch large chunks of cash from our bill paying account & stealing/borrowing thousands from her mom & God knows where else.

    She came clean when confronted with the thieving & we tried to come up with a plan to dig out, but she faked detox & kept going & then my daughter died. At that point I gave her my ultimatum, me or the dealer. I have never been addicted to opiates, but know firsthand what it's like to be a raging alcoholic that can't stop smoking meth & have touched neither in over 15 years. I can't imagine opiates are anymore addicting than that combo. Detoxing from a teener a day habit is a crazy hell I'll never forget.

  8. #8
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    I'm glad I could offer some good input. As you can tell from my previous posts (Thanks for reading BTW) I used the Mary Jane to get me off of the pain killers. I strictly used it to help with the withdrawals which are pure hell!! I didn't use Suboxone or any other prescription medication for it solely because I was uneducated on it. At the risk of repeating myself from previous posts I'll say this.. I understand the pro's and cons to smoking Mary Jane. Everyone- EVERYONE'S body is chemically made up different. What works for some may not work for others- It's that simple. Some people are able to smoke a little pot because they are high strung- Like yourself. Others can't because they become paranoid lunatics. I've seen that first hand over the years. How is that any different from taking a Xanax or other prescription medication for high Anxiety? Oh right.. Because Mary Jane is illegal and it's a gateway drug right? My theory to gateway drugs is Not Pot- It's peer pressure.. For me- I never would've smoked that first joint at age 16 if I wasn't hanging with my brother and his friend. At the time I knew it was known as a drug- a gateway drug. Didn't matter- They were doing it- they seemed fine- why not me? Plus all my other friends in my crew were doing it as well. When they found out I tried it and liked it.. It made me personally feel more accepted with my own friends.. I was one of those people who was always seeking acceptance and to a lesser degree now- I still am!!

    Now again- everyone is different- I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who feel Mary Jane lead them to heavier things- I will not deny that. However- If you dig deeper than that maybe, and I stress maybe, they were trying to self-medicate themselves due to depression- High anxiety- or whatever other ailment we see on every other commercial advertising another pill to solve each person's "ailment".

    Sorry for going off topic. I don't want to turn this post into a support forum for smoking Pot. If I did already I apologize.

    An addiction to ???????? can and ruin someone's life just as bad, or maybe worse, than an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I used to work in a very successful drive through convenience store from ages 16-22. One single owner sold to six part owners and I saw them all live very comfortably for those six years. Then two of my bosses- One being my ex- soccer coach who got me the job- fall into the pit of ???????? addiction. They got so bad they were stealing money from their partners- almost crippled the store- eventually had to be bought out and a short time after that very profitable store crumbled. My two bosses disappeared and I haven't seen or heard from these guys since!! As I said- My one boss was my ex-soccer coach- I clearly remember looking up to him as a role model.. he used to pick me up and take me to the games because my parents were going through their own issues- That was my escape back then.

    "I have never been addicted to opiates, but know firsthand what it's like to be a raging alcoholic that can't stop smoking meth & have touched neither in over 15 years. I can't imagine opiates are anymore addicting than that combo. Detoxing from a teener a day habit is a crazy hell I'll never forget."-- That's what makes you a warrior my friend and why your hope is never lost!! I've tried so many times to tackle my opiate addiction alone- No help- And worst of all- With no one knowing about it so I had no one to "let down" but myself when I went back to it. Detoxing every single time was worse than hell so I never made it past day 4 for 5 years.. Never made it past day 1 or 2 in the past three years.

    I'm only speculating here- But maybe your original title to this post is exactly what she needs- You to get out.. Everyone finds help and ways out of their addiction differently. If she knows your gone because of her addictions-- Maybe she will finally get the help she so desperately needs.. Sorry for the ???????? reference but force her hand- Just don't let her know you're bluffing because it does sound like you want her to get better.

    I know I'm a new member to this world of clean living- I hope you understand that I do recognize I have a long way to go on my road to recovery. I also hope you know any input I give is strictly to try and help- I don't have the answers to anything- I don't think anyone does.

    Keep posting my friend- I'm here- I have hope for you- Your wife- and Your son-

    Mr_Dean
    Last edited by Mr_Dean; 06-06-2012 at 12:13 PM.

  9. #9
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Now I see why you spelled g ambling the way you did.. I'm sure you figured out that's what the questions marks represent.

  10. #10
    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-08-2012 at 05:11 PM.

  11. #11
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    Mr. Hope- I hope all is well- Sorry I haven't been on I was stuck in an all day meeting today at work that actually offered me some insight- I can't say that very often about the meetings I have to attend at work- Most are just a waste of time, energy, and Money!! So you took the first step and went to attorney.. That's a good thing right? I'm sorry the rest of your day didn't work out too well.

    Maybe she was in the mood to spar because she is coming to realization that she may be losing you? Maybe she doesn't know how to handle it so she picked a fight with you? You know her better than anyone. She could also be flipping out about going for her treatment- Could be a number of different things that you would know better than me. I really hope this works out for the both of you. I have hope for you.. For your wife.. And also for your son. Take one day at a time and keep doing what you're doing. Things will start looking up for you and your family.

    Mr_Dean

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    allhopeisgone is offline Banned
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-08-2012 at 05:06 PM.

  13. #13
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Hope you know as well as I that the only catalyst for change with us is pain. if it doesn't hurt no reason to quit. I think you have handled the situation very well. as far as finding her dealer, waste of time and effort. Dealers can't exist without us to buy from them, not making excuses for dealing just the facts. Where there is a demand someone is going to supply. Glad to hear you are going back to meetings and back in touch with your sponsor. Good Luck Surfdog

  14. #14
    Mr_Dean is offline Member
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    As usual-- Very well Said Surf!! And Mr_Hope- You did make progress- You are making progress- I know you remember very well that getting over your own addictions took time-- That's why I have hope for you. One Day at a Time..

    Mr_Dean
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    Rosmaria is offline New Member
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    Surfdog..The problem is that when you are taking painkillers, the pain on your end is blocked. My husband is a prescription drug addict. He has back pain and neck pain. I believe he has been on pills for about 7 years. My life has been very unhappy because of his behavior. In February he admitted that he had a problem and asked his pain management doctor to help him wean off pills. He told me that I had his word he would seek alternative treatment for his pain and never take another pill. God only knows why I believed him. Once I again I placed my faith in his word and put my heart on the line. I guess you can get what happened. I found out today he is back on pills. He was off them for about 6 weeks.

    I informed him that when he returns from work tomorrow (he is trucker who is over the road three days a week), I would like him to leave. There are two suitcases in front of his closet waiting for him. I've cried most of the day. I may lose my home because I depend on his salary to supplement mine to pay our bills associated with our house. I'll do what I can to keep it for as long as I can. Nothing is worth my heart being broken time and time again by his lies and manipulation.

    I am miserable. If anyone on this thread prays, please pray for all those whose lives are affected by drugs. It is a horrible way to live.

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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Ros, I was speaking of the emotional &mental pain more than the physical, When we finally realize the pain we have caused our loved ones, divorce, bankruptcy, jail all the things that come with addiction. But the hurt of loved ones is what gets to most of us. I am so sorry for your situation. Take care of yourself I cannt press the importance of that enough. I would suggest Alanon/ Narranon meetings these support groups can really be of service to you. I also suggest you start your own thread on nee to talk the people here are amazing for support. Anything I can do for support I am more than willing to do. I know family goes through their own special hell with this disease God Bless surfdog

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    Rosmaria is offline New Member
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    Thank you. I am going to look into Narranon. The pain here is almost unbearable. God Bless You.

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