| || |
Stopping Hydrocodone/Seeking Joy
Stopping Hydrocodone/Seeking Joy
Hi, I am brand new here. I have been taking Norco for 6 months for a long term sports injury. Ironically I have been in recovery from alcoholism for the past 20 years and have been thru detox and treatment in the past. But never for pain meds, this is very new. I tried for a few years to treat my injury w/ natural remedies, massage, PT, etc. It has never gone away and in fact the pain only increased. I am a fitness trainer and my husband is an RN, who currently is a rep for suboxone. So I am very aware of the info out there on dependency and addiction. I just got sick and tired of walking around on a hurt foot 100% of the time that would not heal. I got a Rx for tramadol for a while but was sneaking my husbands vicoden (He had just had a knee surgery). That made me feel more at ease and gave me energy. It dulled the pain in my foot, but moreso, it dulled the pain of life. I could cope better, feel altered and high, and enjoy myself better. I never thought that it would take hold of me and bring me to my knees. I simply have been living in so much pain I needed a break. Somewhere along the way, I crossed a line and started taking them simply to get high, but I had no moral thought or any guilt. It was almost a survival means, that I must take them. My husband found out I had taken some of his pills and we talked thru it. I went back on the tramadol, but then decided to have surgery. I have been on extremely high dosages of Percocet and Vicoden since Sept 1. Somehow I ended up favoring the Vicoden and could easily get refills w/out really trying...taking 10-12 tabs a day and functioning. I am a wife, have a big house,am a mom of 2 kids, a student in college, and teach spin class / personal trainer. I have lost the ability to run, which is my #1 anxiety reliever. I found that I could deal w/ all these stressors and pain MUCH easier on the pain meds. I felt sick and my digestive system has been messed up and have had major headaches, feeling seriously hung over every morning. Last week my husband took me out to ride the road bikes and I got scared and told him the truth. He gets it...more than ANYONE, and could help anyone who is addicted to this stuff, he does it for his job and he saves peoples lives. Even so, he was heartbroken and has felt lied to somewhat. That was 8 days ago, I have surrendered my meds. Started therapy last week, have had LOW energy, headaches, bowels are messed up, cravings, depression....but oddly better? My husband took over the houshold duties all week, made sure I had plently of water, checked my vitals...said I was not yet a canidate for suboxone, that I was coming off the meds safely w/out it.Spin class is a BIG help, it gets my juices flowing and endorphins high. But I feel like a bad mom, a bad example and like a failure overall. I am just lucky I didnt accidentlly kill myself or someone else. I hope to not relapse. My husband is such a hero....but I have failed him as his wife I know better, I know BETTER....but this stuff doesnt discriminate. This is some WICKED STUFF
Any feedback/ support would be appreciated. I want to be the responsible happy woman I once was, who actually experienced JOY....which my husband told me, the meds will rob that from you I've read most of your stories....I appreciate all the openess and honesty here.
You have to stop being so hard on yourself.
Right now, today, you are doing the right thing and that's all that matters. I have been and still am in your situation with the house, husband and kids. I pray that you're able to take this opportunity and do this NOW. I'm still struggling and very soon will have to come clean with my husband AGAIN. Sometimes, I don't like him because he's so NORMAL.lol Your post struck me because I know the feeling when our spouse does everything right and we're the screwup. My addiction feeds on that and tells me I'm worthless. I try not to buy into that because I know better. I hope you can get to some NA or some other type of support group meetings because you're sure going to need the support. Your husband is probably not going to be able to fix you, even though he's very knowledgeable about addiction, he's not an addict. For myself I just get resentful sometimes when he's trying to tell me how to fix this because he doesn't know, can't know. Post often, it helps and you'll get more support, the more you post. Hang in there.
everything you said I can relate to, boy can I ever, excpet the running. I am kind of allergic to aerobics......
Anyway, I too was addicted to vicodin. I was taking approx 30 pills a day, amking myself so sick i would through up a lot, feel like total hell the next morning, like a hangover. I used the pills to dull the pain of life also, and to give myself enjoyment in my life. But man it really does turn on you so fast. I have been clean for 6 months now, not a lot of time my most peoples standards, but it feel s like a lifetime to me..in a very good way.
THis site has helped me, and i feel it will help you too.keep posting, and reaolize we have all been where you are at in one way or the other.
Hopefully Im replying to the thread correctly! So far there has been no relapses and I've been off the meds for almost two weeks. I feel much much better all around. I dont feel sick or crazy anymore and am not as angry or irritable. As for my husband, he is a recovering cocaine addict/alcoholic, so he gets it. But yes, he has been the good one for a while here. During my using, I spent a lot of money on clothes, and he has had to come down on me and doesnt like to be in that position...dont blame him.I've taught a bunch of spin classes and feel much more confident in my job and have all my class members excited to see me again. I'm also mid-semester in school taking pre-reqs to apply to a PT asst. program, so it is intense right now. I'm trying to make time to RELAX doing simple things like watching movies w/ my husband or take a hot bath. I see the ttherapist again next week. I allready attend AA so I have been going there more often. I am not discussing this issue with them as they are not in the business of helping those w/ opioid dependency/addiction, only alcoholism. Some of them try to preach about it, and I tune them out they have no idea what they are talking about. My AA sponsor knows about all this and has me calling her more often and telling her every move I make rt now. I also have another friend in the program who became a slave to opioids (and is clean now) and she has been helping me. So the support and accountability has been helpful.
I sound like I'm all better now, but just to be honest, on Wed. night everyone left the house for 30 mins and I had a major desire to feel altered, and frantically searched for some of my old meds. I didnt find any, but kindof knew I wouldnt. There was a part of me that wanted to find some old scripts someplace...fortunately I was running late and had to go meet a girl I help in the program, how ironic is that? If it werent for that, I might have stayed home and got into my husbands office and tried to search in there...and steal xanax or valium from him. (very old scripts) I felt lots of shame from that...at least I didnt actually use anything.
It is hardest at night, esp when my kids arent around, because I want the stress and physical pain in my foot to go away. I saw my surgeon yesterday and I'm going to try the extra strength tylenol w/ benadryl at night...arnica and mobic by day, along with ICE and PT stretches/ exercises. I want it to be instant relief though and I want to feel messed up, too. Right now...not going to lie or steal, going to be clean this weekend. If I can be honest about my thoughts and behaviors, then maybe that will stop me from relapsing. I also do a lot of praying...
So while I feel better, I still crave to be high... I LOVE it like nothing else. I miss it.....but I'm afraid of what will become of me if I keep thinking about it.....
To the mom/wife who has had a relapse: Hang in there, I hope you can stop using again. Do you have any outside help besides this website? Please feel free to write to me, it will help us both I think the relapse rate is HIGH with this medication, I highly recomend a counselor/ therapist. Ironically my husband is very successful in getting people off this stuff so he says anyone is welcome to email him w/ questions.
BY THE WAY: If anyone is farther along in this crazy addiction and needing medical help getting off opioids, you can go to a doctor and get on the suboxone FILM, not the pill and not the generic (the film cannot be abused or diverted)....advice from the husband, (Certified Addictions Reg. Nurse)