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Scared for my husband -- please help
  1. #1
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Scared for my husband -- please help

    My husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 4 months ago. He was not prescribed pain pills but he has "friends" from whom he can easily buy them. He started fairly small but the last month things have gotten worse. I don't know what to do.

    From what I can drag from him or snoop to find out, it seems like he's using fewer than 60 mgs a day of oxycontin or oxycodone (most days fewer than 30 mg). But he's also used hydrocodone, percocet, etc. I know that he's started snorting and smoking within the last two weeks, but I also know he has tapered down some.

    He doesn't seem to think this is a problem. He says he has legitimate pain and this helps. That may be true, but I know he should NOT be snorting or smoking these things.

    He is not himself and I don't know what to do.

    I want to know, if I can talk him into detoxing, how hard/long do you think the process will take? I know he has to want to do it.

  2. #2
    l0st s0u1 is offline Junior Member
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    I'm on my 5th day of detox and I feel much better than two days a go that's for sure. It is not easy and he is going to be miserable for about a week. This is why he has to really want to quit. I made every excuse in the world why I needed my oxi, I have two bad disc in my lower back, and the pain was real...but I found myself taking more and more....then we know the rest. Once he gets his mind wrapped around the fact he has to just quit.....sorry to say....he probably won't.

  3. #3
    timo37821 is offline Junior Member
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    I am so glad you came here and posted this. My wife is in the same place that you are. I'm a 3 year addict 6 days clean and oxy is my achilles heel. I hope some of my words can help they are for me just as well as for anyone else.

    You need to know a few things about drug addiction to understand the answer to this question. First, the very most frustrating part is that you cannot force a person to truly get better. Only they have that power. You can say all kinds of things to them. But if they haven’t yet experienced enough deep pain from their drug addiction, your words won’t find a crack in their defensiveness to crawl through. They will fall on ears that don’t want to hear.

    Until they are ready to hear the full meaning in your words of advice and caution, you will probably feel like you are beating your head against a wall. Arguing won’t do any good here because an unready drug addicted mind has plenty of ammunition to shoot back at you. They have excuses, addiction thinking that convolutes their logic, a sense of self-centered survival, blame, plenty of emotional pain, and possibly a few legitimate gripes about life. They are more comfortable being where they are than turning from their addiction and seeking drug treatment.

    You cannot control them like a robot, you can only show them the big picture and the choices. And even at that, they may not want to hear or see any of it, much less take a step toward drug treatment. And the type of treatment depends of the person. I tried to tapper but for me it didn't work I would cut back for a day or to and then go back to the same amount I would have used without the tapper. For the past 6 months I would buy 60 mg per day it worked for me because if I had it on me i would use till it was gone. So that way it helped me control my usage better. then I had to stop cold. And again it's worked (For 6 days that is) for me.

    The way he decides to stop is up to the person, but all of our goals have to be to stop all together.But keep in mind it's one day at a time. One day clean is just as big as 120 days clean to me.It's a step in the right direction.

    My wife said the hardest part to her was that it seemed that I loved the drug more then her and our lives together.And this will be the hardest part for you (That's my opinion) to keep in mind that's not the case, it's the addiction taking over. I loved my wife with all I have I was in a very bad place and and at the time felt like I was trapped with no way out.

    Their will be more that reply with alot better advice. But please repost and let us know how it's going it will help you and every post in here has a chance to help someone else.. I wish you the best and I will be praying for both our families.
    Last edited by timo37821; 12-01-2011 at 07:10 PM.
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    l0st s0u1 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by l0st s0u1 View Post
    I'm on my 5th day of detox and I feel much better than two days a go that's for sure. It is not easy and he is going to be miserable for about a week. This is why he has to really want to quit. I made every excuse in the world why I needed my oxi, I have two bad disc in my lower back, and the pain was real...but I found myself taking more and more....then we know the rest. Once he gets his mind wrapped around the fact he has to just quit.....sorry to say....he probably won't.
    I meant.....until he gets his mind right about quitting he probably won't. Best of luck to you.

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    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you both so much for responding. I've been snooping and I know he's probably down to about 10-20 mgs percocet a day. But I don't know if that's because we're strapped for cash right now or what. I hate this so much.

    And I DO feel like he's choosing his pain and pills over us.

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    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    And I tell myself maybe he's not addicted (yet). Maybe he's physically dependent. But I wouldn't know the difference and the snorting is not a good sign.

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    luvy298 is offline Member
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    Default I agree with Timo37821

    >> do agree with Timo's post he has to really want it. I was addcited to Tramadol for two years and I have been clean now for 14 months, but it was a struggle. I hit rock bottom and decided to get clean, but it was my choice and because it was my choice I suceeded in doing so. You have to give him an ultimatim either he gets clean or there will be consequences (sorry bad speller). We addicts find excuses for everything; I did it for two years.

    I wish you good luck with everything. I hope that he can find the help that he needs. I also said I had a legitimate reason to abuse opiates, but again that was just an excuse to abuse them more.

    Your friend
    Luvy298




    Quote Originally Posted by scaredwife75 View Post
    Thank you both so much for responding. I've been snooping and I know he's probably down to about 10-20 mgs percocet a day. But I don't know if that's because we're strapped for cash right now or what. I hate this so much.

    And I DO feel like he's choosing his pain and pills over us.
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    timo37821 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by scaredwife75 View Post
    And I tell myself maybe he's not addicted (yet). Maybe he's physically dependent. But I wouldn't know the difference and the snorting is not a good sign.
    Hello again scaredwife75 , But it seems that you are a bit reluctant to admit there may be an issue. I've read many definitions for addiction and one sticks out to me.

    "Addiction can be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure, enjoyment or relief from actual or perceived ailments would have originally been sought"

    You don't have to be the stereotypical drug addict that the television and media portray. Is a single pill a day user more of a addict then a 6 pill a day user?
    That was my excuse for 1 1/2 years. I read many posts all over, and just because my usage was minor compared to some users I felt that I had no issue.

    I couldn't have been more wrong , nor more of a danger to myself.I wasn't ready to admit I was a full blown addict. But the fact is I am My last 6 months I used 1 30mg oxy per day. And that's coming off of 4 per day. I was just as much of a addict with one as i was with four. You can't help someone if theirs not a problem. That's what you have to determine for yourself before you can offer productive help. Keep up the good fight!!
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  9. #9
    catburgler is offline Junior Member
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    Default Scared Wife.....

    Hello, ScaredWife75. I saw one of your post and when I saw your name I wondered if you were my wife posting on here but it seems its a little different story. I am addicted to Hydrocodone/oxycodone but mine is prescribed for spinal stenosis. You can read my posts for my full story but to make a long story short, I was out of control. I am now tapering ONLY for one reason. My wife finally gave me an ultimatum. My wife and kids was THE ONLY thing that I loved more than these pills and there was a time in this struggle where I don't know how close they were to being equals. I secretly kept wanting to hit rock bottom and quit (this has been going on for 8 years), but deep down I knew that the only way that would happen was my wife giving me no other option but to get clean or she was through. She meant it and I know she meant it. She wanted me to go to off and get clean though a clinic but I BEGGED her to give me one more shot with her helping me. She finally accepted that and what she can't be sure of but I can tell you here is that I AM NOT LOSING HER AND MY CHILDREN. We own a business in a small town, I am very respected by my community, we are somewhat wealthy, (I was what they call a functioning addict) but all of that I would give up for her and my kids so this is a no brainer. He may love the drugs as much as you, but if you two were deeply in love before this, he probably don't love them more than you. But maybe it is time for a "this or those" moment. Who knows maybe like me, he is hoping for that. I really was for about the past year. I wanted to quit but I couldn't without her coming to this. I have decided to taper due to the fact that I must function during all of this but I have a day to day post you can read. My wife keeps my meds and I have nowhere else to get them which is a plus for me that your husband don't have and that's a little scary because these first few days I don't know whether I would try to get them if I could or not. I really can't say. I know I want this like I never have.

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    wakemeupalready is offline Junior Member
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    I am in the same place. You can read my posts for the story. I miss the man I married and want him back! This so totally sucks!

  11. #11
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Well, he left. I came home last night and found him with scorched tinfoil. I'm no fool. I know what he's been doing. I confronted him, he denied it, there was a huge scene, and he left. Packed his clothes and left. Said he doesn't have a problem, that I'm a nag for no reason, that he's had enough. Said he doesn't love me anymore.

    We've been together for 14 years. We just got married in April and were blissfully happy. Then four months ago along came pain pills and it's all gone.

  12. #12
    catburgler is offline Junior Member
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    Default Trust me....

    I've been your husband, and I am still him but ready to clean up. He may not be ready but you have done the right thing to find out. He will be back. He will try to tell you anything to get you to forgive him. He will say he will stop, he will say he's a sheep if he thinks it will help. Stay stern. He must know that you mean it. If he loves you, he will have to think hard about this. Please keep us posted. At the very least I might can give you an insight to the way he thinks. We are scum, we know it, and we dread the drugs wearing off cause we know that thought will be there. Its a long hard road but if he believes you are for real, then its your best shot. I was different that most, I knew where my bottom was, I just didn't know when I was going to hit it. I knew when my wife gave me her final ultimatum that I would stop. I can't lose my beautiful little family. I couldn't bear seeing my kids only on the weekends. Good luck scaredwife, I pray that your husband realizes what he has.

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    wakemeupalready is offline Junior Member
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    I am so scared this will happen to me, also! I can't take this much longer. But I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I leave...and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't! I hate this so much! I can't cry in front of him, but I can't get away long enough. He thinks I'm just playing facebook games right now. If he knew I was telling the world he would freak out! He's paranoid about imaginary men in the woods watching our house. This is nuts and I'm hurting so bad inside and he keeps saying he's sorry and he loves me and it will be okay. But I don't think so, and my heart is breaking.

  14. #14
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    I just can't wrap my head around it. This is not my husband. This is some body snatcher.

    His mother and his brother are both addicted to pain pills and he's always been so upset with them about that. He couldn't understand it at all. And now this?

    He doesn't think he has a problem. He can't see it. He's left our beautiful life and it seems to have made no difference to him.

  15. #15
    Hydra is offline Member
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    Scaredwife75 & wakemeupalready,

    I feel so much for the both of you, you have no idea. I am a recovering addict (clean 3 years) who also happens to be married (19 years) to a man with a severe oxy addiction. I have been waiting/fighting for 3 cotton picking years for him to get his sh!z together. The fact that I also fell into a pretty darn serious vicodin addiction being the only reason I have stayed on so long - because I have a unique understanding of what opiate addiction does to our minds, hearts & souls.

    I am not sure which husband is snorting and smoking his pills . . . but whoever's husband he is, he is in DEEP. This is not just a "little" step down into addiction, it is falling off a cliff. My husband also progressed to snorting and smoking his oxy. I say this because it sounds that there might be just a hint of denial going on, there. And the only thing left after smoking it, is shooting it up your arm.

    My husband almost bankrupted us, I came VERY close to losing our home. He has done so much damage, and knows it. He is now attempting (again) to get clean. He is on day 3 of a cold turkey detox using only the thomas recipe. I refused to even give him money to go to a sub doctor (been there, done that - 3 times over). It was either this, or call his father to take him to rehab . . . he chose this. I am done with his head games. I will not let him destroy our family (two children) ANYMORE, and even more so - I will NO LONGER let him put my own sobriety at risk. Which he has done, many, many times, deliberately even (misery ALWAYS loves company). He is out of choices, the only one left is the street, or get clean. THAT is what it will take for your husbands to quit this sh!Z.

    One other thing I wanted to say . . . do you know how to tell when an addict in active addiction is lying??? THEIR LIPS ARE MOVING. Be skeptical of EVERYTHING he says. And I would be a little more than suspicious of that "taper" he was doing. In my own experience, there is no such thing as a taper for my oxy addict husband unless someone ELSE has his pills locked up. And even then, he will lie, cheat and steal to get more.

    I am so sorry that this sounds so incredibly harsh. It even sounds harsh to me, but honest to God, if someone had layed this all out for me two years ago, it would have saved me from tremendous amounts of heartbreak, and it would have saved me about $24,000.

    Now, none of this means I don't love my husband - I love him dearly! The problem is that the man currently present in my home (but not present in our marraige for more than 7 years) is NOT my husband. Whenever he flies off the handle (when he's high), whenever I confront him (when he's high), whenever I even talk to him (he's ALWAYS high), I tell myself AND him, that I KNOW it is not him I am talking to - it is the nasty, evil incarnate, shell of the human being he USED to be, that I am talking to. I pray every day that I get just a glimpse of the man I married, find a crack through the cloud of his addiction - to show him the light.

    Through the help of my own NA group, and a close knit group of clean friends, I have gotten more and more stable in my own sobriety - DESPITE my husband. I urge you both to get to an Al-Anon or Narc- Anon meeting, get educated, get ready for the fight of your life.

    I wish you both the best of the best of luck, and will be praying that you find some peace in your lives.

    Hugs & God Bless,

    Hydra

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    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Hydra, thank you for your words. This is all just completely beyond me, and what you said about your husband NOT being your husband is so true.

    He is smoking something, I don't know if it's oxycontin. From what I'd checked in his pockets, I think it was oxycodone. I don't even know the difference.

    He's working and seems to be functioning relatively well. I don't know how that works. Maybe he'd just taken something before I saw him, I don't know.

    He came by to pick up more of his stuff. He's determined to be done and out, I guess. I told him I thought this was all because he's addicted to pills, that I love him, and that if he ever wants help to get out of it, I'll be there. He just said it's not the pills.

    Three months is what it has taken for these things to ruin our lives and a beautiful, loving marriage. I asked myself today what if it's not the pills? But it is. It has to be.

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    Hydra is offline Member
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    First, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It just sucks plain and simple.

    Second, I would be a little skeptical of the three month dealio . . . It may have only been three months where you are AWARE of it going on, but could have been much, much, longer. Especially if he is the one that is telling you that it has only been three months that he has been buying these thing.

    BTW - Oxycodone & Oxycontin are the very same drug. Oxycontin is a brand name, that's all. Oxy mixed with tylenol or aspirin is called percocets, or percodan (both brand names). There are a gozillion combinations/variations of drugs that have oxy in them, they are all essentially the same thing.

    Again, my heart goes out to you. Please find a support meeting in your area. Do NOT be afraid - there are people there that can help you through this horrible time, help you understand what is going on in his head. Trust me - and just go - you won't regret it, I promise.

    And one last thing - OF COURSE it is the drugs. You are on to him. DO NOT let him make you doubt yourself. In your heart of hearts, you KNOW what the deal is here, it is a very hard truth to face, and even harder one to live, but the alternative - that this is somehow your fault, is unacceptable, if not delusional.

    Biggest of hugs to you,

    Hydra

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    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    I'm definitely going to an alanon meeting tomorrow. At this point, the big secret is out and I'm relieved and I want to do what I can to help myself. I can't be the only one who knows what's going on anymore, so I've told a few friends and family members (none of whom will confront him now because they know it's not the time). I know I can't help him right now. He may never let me help him if he's determined to leave. But I can help myself be safe, peaceful, and try to be free of this CONSTANT worry about him.

    You're right. It may very well have been longer than three months. The past two have been bad. The past 3 weeks have been awful. Constant vigilance on my part. Checking his pockets when he's asleep. Searching for any answers online. Constant, constant worry.

    There's been no demonstrable "he's high" type of behavior. I could tell from his pupils (and his sniffing and the paraphernalia), but I haven't seen him loopy or nodding off or manic or anything. Mainly what I've noticed is a withdrawal from me, anger, he's easily frustrated, distant, cold, secretive, noncommunicative, etc.

    He just came by to pick up more stuff. Still cold, unwilling to communicate. Seeing him makes me feel like I'm crazy. Like maybe I just pushed him away. He's so angry at me.

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    Hydra is offline Member
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    I am glad to hear all of what you said up there. You are absolutely right to turn your focus to your own healing.

    AND he is NOT angry with you - he HATES himself, and is taking it out on YOU.

    Go to the meeting, it will be a relief!

    Big Hugs,

    Hydra

  20. #20
    Hydra is offline Member
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    And, Scaredwife . . .

    Manipulation is an addicts BEST FRIEND, right after their pills/drugs. He will try to make YOU feel like you are crazy. IT IS NOT TRUE or REAL. Follow your gut. Don't let him manipulate you ANY MORE. When he comes home (especially when he knows you are there) to get his "stuff", it is all intentional - to make you feel like sh\z. The noncommunication, the anger - is all a part of his addiction, and he will try to make you feel like the floor will drop out below you if it means he gets his pills. PLEASE do NOT fall for any of this. He is in what I call "the suck". It is a place in active addiction where addicts are literally no longer capable to see the truth clearly. All they have is their own twisted, drug induced mind's version of what the truth is - completely distorted, selfish and delusional thinking

    Stay strong. Don't let him back in the house without taking a drug test (available at any drug store now - just make sure it includes testing for opiates). Protect yourself.

    BTW - do you have children??

    Again, wishing you the best of luck - let us know how the meeting goes tonight.

    Hugs,

    Hydra

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    timo37821 is offline Junior Member
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    All I can say is WoW. And wipe away the tears. My heart goes out to both of you. I didn't see this one comming. I really don't know what to say but they have posted above great advise .. And my prayers are with both of you.. Stay strong. I can't say anything to stop the pain. Just Keep up the Good fight!!!

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    Hydra is offline Member
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    I'm sorry - I keep posting because I keep thinking of "things I wish someone told me" 2 years ago . . .

    Do you have your own bank account?? If not, get out and get one TODAY. At a different bank, away from your joint accounts with your husband.

    The only real way to tell if an oxy user is actively using is a drug test . . . it is MUCH easier to tell if they are NOT using, because withdrawal onset is pretty durn quick. Oxy is one of those drugs when and if they are kind of "in the middle" of their addiction - they are still functioning. Believe me when I say it won't last - because their tolerance will rise, they have to take/smoke/snort more, and their bodies just can't keep up. I do know that one of the ways I can tell if my own husband just smoked some oxy is - he talks incessantly. Just jabbers on and on about any old thing - it is very similar to a manic episode - perhaps a little muted, not as severe as a true manic/depressive symptom. He'll start a household task - but not finish it, and move on to something else. No one but myself would know it, and even then, sometimes I can miss it. It is the sneakiest of sneaky addictions - it catches up with everyone sooner or later. Unfortunately, by the time you realize what is going on - you are usually in deeper than you think. But towards the end here, he just "taps out" (sits in his recliner with his doped out look on his face - pupils totally dialated, completely zoned out, to the point where he can be drooling) after getting high. It has lost that "motivational" factor he always thought it gave him. Now he is just a sad pile of sh!z sitting in a chair.

    Withdrawal symptoms are very easy to spot, if you know what to look for - the sweats/chills usually set in quickly, followed by fits of sneezing and/or yawning. The "runs" - and not just once - but several - many runs to the toitie, complete and utter restlessness, involuntary muscle spasms ("the kicks"), or RLS (restless legs). An inability to sleep, and later (day - 2 or 3), usually some sort of emotional outbursts, fits of crying (yes, even for men),also the general malaise and irritability is pretty much present throughout the whole process.

    Just want to arm you with as much info as I can, wife. Stick to your guns, be strong, and God Bless you.

    Hydra

  23. #23
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you so much, again. What would I do without this place?

    I woke up this morning and remembered my life and my heart just seized. I miss him so much. I miss HIM, not this person inhabiting him.

    When he's here getting his things, I've been very together. But I try talking to him rationally and it gets me nowhere. He just stonewalls me.

    We don't have any children. And we don't share a bank account. So there's that.

    I have already seen the withdrawal happen a few times. I kept wishing he'd push through it to get to the point where he felt better but he never did. Never even wanted to try. He was withdrawing at work last week and I gave him $40 to get straight so he could work. No more. All his lines of extra money are cut off. His mother suspects that when this starts to show through in his work is when MAYBE he'll see something's wrong. I can only hope. I'd hate to see how far his bottom might be.

    A friend of his who I know he used with has recently come out of a 6-day rehab. I keep wanting to text her to tell her that he's left me and that I know it's because of the pills even though he's in denial. But I don't want to affect her sobriety. I just want, if she's ready to kick them, for her to know and encourage my husband to do the same.

    Please do keep posting. Reading these comments of support and information are keeping me sane. Keeping me from thinking I needlessly pushed my husband away.

  24. #24
    Hydra is offline Member
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    If you do contact the friend, I would let her know that you support her in her effort to get clean, AND to let her know that your husband is now a danger to her, and that he WILL put her sobriety at risk (remember - "misery loves company"). At the very least - make sure she understands that he IS still using - no matter what he might tell HER. And the best thing she can do for herself is to stay away from him, cut all contact with him. Isolation is part of hitting the bottom, unfortunately. When he has no money, no more 'friends' willing to front him pills, no place to go, no one to manipulate - he will hit his.

  25. #25
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    It's been four days since he left and I still can't believe it. I'm off work, so that's good. I can just cry if I need to.

    Yesterday I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and cried through the whole thing. They were wonderful. So caring and kind. It was good to go. Do I go to another tonight? There's a newcomers meeting on Friday that I'll attend for sure.

    I miss him terribly. I'm trying to let it go, but in the mornings I wake up frantic with worry, going over scenarios of how I can help him. Fantasizing that he'll come to me ready to quit. I have GOT to let it go. I can't control him. I can't control his addiction. But I'm so scared for him.

    My friends and family have rallied around me. I have all the support I need. He has none. I know that's how it has to be, but it's awful.

    I'm getting ahead of myself, too. I'm thinking, if he comes back, if he gets help and gets clean, how can I ever forgive him? And then I think, how can I not? This is (so far) several months of bad in the face of 14 years of wonderful. But I don't want a life of worry and fear and suspicion.

    Sigh. I just want to go back to bed and not think about what has happened to my life.

  26. #26
    catburgler is offline Junior Member
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    Default Slow your roll SW75....

    14 years of wonderful is a pretty big deal 75. I know you feel betrayed but if your husband is truly in pain, he may have caught himself in this without wanting that at all. He may be a guy who it only took 1 to hook him. You are doing the right thing, I believe that 100%. He may be fine without you as long as he stays numb but he will run out and then he will come to you for help and a door is open. Just stay strong. My above statements, the ones at the beginning, are made because of the fact he is your husband and it sounds like he was a pretty good one. I don't know ANY married couple who haven't went through problems whether it be drugs alcohol, infidelity, lies, money issues causing major arguments or something. This was not about you. This addiction was not intended to hurt you. Its just that once it gets its claws in you, you change and you can't think clearly and nothing matters for a while but those pills. He didn't take the first ones to hurt you. Now he takes them to keep from hurting himself. And that hurt is of such a magnitude that its almost impossible to control. I'm certain he still loves you. He just needs to hit bottom so he can be awakened a little. This isn't fair to you. No way shape form or fashion. But truthfully, and this is something that a non addict can't understand, it isn't fair to him either. He never wanted to be dependent on these things but it happens and then BAM. Its just too late. I wish you all of the best, and i really hope that I am giving your husband a voice so that you can talk to someone who knows what he is feeling. He's probably like me, and stubborn. That will wear down and he will be back. Try to think about the good things, his good traits, try to think about what he has never done to you, not the one thing he has, if thats all it is. But do that only for you, don't give in after you think these things. These thoughts are to comfort you, not to snowblind you from the truth that you are doing the right thing. God bless 75.

  27. #27
    Hydra is offline Member
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    Scared,

    You cry and lie in bed as much as you need to, but then, you get up and start living YOUR life again. Those drugs have stolen the last three months of your life (and in reality - probably much longer), months you will never get back.

    I know all about the fantasies, my friend . . . the heartbreak is paralyzing. You keep going to your al-anon meetings, whenever you need. They will help you navigate your life, and get through this difficutl time. I will always keep hope in my heart for my own husband, as well as yours, to get clean, and find their way back to us. There is nothing wrong with having hope, or being hopeful, as long as you are also realistic. In my own life I have had to make "rules" for how much I let his addiction effect me, dealbreakers, I call them: I will NOT postpone the rest of my life anymore, I will NOT sit here waiting for him to get clean, I will NOT succumb to self pity.

    I went to my Celeb Recov meeting Tuesday, said a prayer for both your husband and my own, that they find their way.

    Best of the best to you.

    Love & hugs,

    Hydra

  28. #28
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you all for sharing your support and experiences. I went to another meeting last night, which was helpful. A woman noticed how upset I was and came over to talk. She gave me an Al-Anon book to read and encouraged me to keep coming. I know I will.

    I need to get back to work if only for the distraction, but I dread seeing people and having to answer questions. My boss is covering for me with tales of my having the flu, but the truth is bound to come out at some point.

    I can't hide in my home forever hoping that what's happened will go away and not be real.

    My stress and anxiety levels have gone down since he's out of the house and I'm not daily confronted with the evidence of his addiction. But I still worry. I don't know how to stop worrying about him. I love him, but I can't reach him, and it kills me. How on earth do people "detach"?

  29. #29
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    He just called. He sounds awful. After days of not wanting to say a word to me, he's talking. Based on what I've read and what you guys have told me, it sounds like maybe he's in withdrawal and starting to FEEL again.

    He said he was sorry, that he loves me, that he wants me to be happy, that he's always been able to depend on me but I can't depend on him and that he only wants the best for me. <--- Guilt?

    He's working, which kind of amazes me.

    I told him that I love him, that I'll be here to help him if he wants it. I told him that I thought this was all a result of him trying to medicate himself with these pills and that he'd gotten addicted and that he needed help. I told him that with his family history of addiction, that he had strikes against him that he couldn't help.

    I told him I'm going to Al-Anon and that I thought he should go to an NA or AA meeting, that it would help. I told him he can get through this, that he can be better, but he can't do it alone. I asked him if he would think about going to a meeting and he said he would. He admitted I was probably right about the pills and said, "But when I hurt, I don't care. I just want the pain to stop."

    I can only hope he keeps off the pills and keeps pulling out of it. I'm going to text him some meeting information in the hopes that if he has the info he'll go.

    What else can I do?

  30. #30
    Hydra is offline Member
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    Scared,

    Be careful, now. He is in that desperate place, where things could go either way. If he is detoxing, I would question him as to why . . . Meaning, did he just run out of money? "friends"? OR is this a real attempt at sobriety that he is serious about.

    The willingness is the key, and your gut will know whether he is telling the truth or not. If he is really serious about getting clean, he MUST put AS MUCH EFFORT into staying CLEAN as he did to keep on using. I just said this to my husband the other night . . . "You would drive to the worst part of town in the middle of the night to GET your pills . . . would you do that to stay clean?" And if he balks at that - it's not real - he's playing the game. THAT is what it takes to stay clean.

    Drug test drug test drug test. Opiates show up in a standard urine test for up to 4 days after taking them. I would not even entertain the idea of him coming home until he passes several tests. And he can pay for them (with all the money he is saving NOT buying drugs, this should be okay). An opiate drug test runs about $30-$40 at walgreens.

    Meetings meetings meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days. Non-negotiable. If he comes back home, he goes to a meeting EVERY day. If he misses one - he's out.

    The whole thing about 'wanting the best for you' (I assume he was trying to claim that was why he left?), IMHO, is a crock of crud. It reminds me of my own husband saying "you'll never be the same, so why should I quit". Part of the snakelike circle demented thinking. Instead of QUITTING the drugs that MAKE him undependable, instead of working on getting clean & sober, instead of doing those things to REPAIR your relationship, he just LEFT instead. That was taking the easy way out, my friend. And if he still can't admit that, I dunno - I would be very skeptical.

    Of course, you don't have to require any of this, I am just making suggestion as to what it might take to keep him on the straight and narrow if you do let him back home. I also have a rule where if I hear ONE WORD (complaining or otherwise) about even TAKING a drug test, he has to leave. You don't have to go that far, but remember - I've been farting around with this sh!Z for 3 years now. I am done playing.

    Good luck, hon - and keep going to those meetings . . .

    Love & Hugs,

    Hydra

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