| || |
My personal struggle with opiates.
My personal struggle with opiates.
I am a 22 year old female that was destined to become a drug addict under the circumstances of my life, though I had always chose to fight against those statistics until recently.
My mother was a drug addict for most of my childhood. I was told there was a 75 percent chance of becoming one too.
The females in my close family all have some form of bi-polar disorder. Me, my sister, and my mother. My sister did the research and told me 60 percent of all people with bi-polar turn to substance abuse to "numb" the pain. Me and my mother are unmedicated. I have no insurance and she is in denial.
I try not to use either of those statistics as an excuse for the addictions I have developed in my life and yes, that was a plural on addiction.
I call myself a cylce addict and I would like to be done with calling myself an addict of any kind.
As a rebellious teenager I moved around a lot with little money or worry over money. I was poor most of my life and the better things in life didn't really matter to me. I wanted happiness and friendship. I found drugs masked amongst those things. In those years I wasn't aware of my bi-polar. I never had a long addiction but I often ended up switching to something else to fill the void inside myself. Eventually I thought it was the drugs that was tearing me up mentally and I went back home and I cold turkey quit everything but smoking marijuana. At the time it was easy becasue I hadn't fell into anything long term. I was amidst amphetamine abuse then in the form of adderall. I found it an easy thing to quit though most people have a very difficult time with it but I was simply too mentally unstable to continue it's use. It made my levels of instability fly way of the charts and I was very aware of it. I would often go into psychotic fits and it had to stop before I hurt myself.
In the following years I turned completely around and got back to who I was before, a person who had refused to become the thing that had destroyed my life. I worked full time and spent more time with my family and friends. Eventually got my own place and continued supporting myself. My biggest mistake was moving farther away from my family in time.
I finally ended up two cities away living with a boyfriend who also has a disorder, though different than mine. I believe he also uses drugs to "numb" his pain. This began my addiction to painkillers. I was only taking maybe 5mg a day or every few days. I was buying maybe 10mg a day to help me at work. I was working 11 hour shifts at the time. It was hard to stay focused. Then I was supporting both me and him. He was and still is unable to work but unsure how to get disability. I eventually broke up with him and ended up with someone who also had an underlying painkiller addiction. He had money and responsibilty, that I later learned was all one big lie. He didn't earn anything legitimately. However at the time I felt I had to impress him. He was 37 years old and always on the go. Always doing what needed to be done no matter how ????ty he felt. I felt like I had to compete and the pain pills helped. I was able to get up hours earlier and go to bed later because I had so much energy. I was able to work more and work harder. This is when it got completely out of hand. I was not only working to keep my life afloat but I was helping him with his too. I had become superwoman but I wasn't.
That's when all those statistics had fallen into place and I wasn't even aware. He made me quit one time just to see if I could and I did pretty well then. I had only been on the pills for a few months. 2 or 3 taking a good 100mgs a day. I suffered through a few days while he complained about my laziness so I ended up getting back on them to continue keeping up with him. I later found out he had been a heroine addict and that was why he was into the pills, but he hadn't admitted it in that fashion. I just knew better.
We ended up splitting because he didn't like my bi-polar tendencies. Claimed he needed a strong woman and it wasn't me. It killed me inside so I turned to more pills to numb that pain. It made me feel stronger.
I ended up haning around with the other boyfriend again and he almost embraced the pill use but claimed it was bad for me while we were both high. He wasn't taking as many as me but he was taking them as often. I had blown through a few thousand dollars to keep my habit up. I ended up losing my job, but not over the pills. My family and coworkers never found out about it. I then realised, after my money had all been spent, I had no choice but to quit. Then I realised how hard it was.
I managed to taper down to 30mgs a day. The w/d symptoms still affected me a lot. RLS, insomnia, my already high anxiety higher, crying. I was still on a regular dose, just smaller, and I couldn't understand why the symptoms were so bad still. Some days I would take too much to make them go away. This was after being on them for 7 months or so at very high doses.
Yesterday I took nothing. I went to trick or treat, got dressed up, and suffered through it. I didn't sleep well at all but I had anticipated that. I have a slight headache but tylenol doesn't help with the w/d I noticed. I would love to go to sleep though. I got a new job and have to work tonight. I feel with my circumstances, my unmedicated bi-polar, my drug addict tendencies, I may not be able to do this alone but I refuse to admit to my mom who has been recovered for 12 years now what I have become.
I'm sorry it was so long but I felt I needed to explain everything. Honestly I needed to get it out. I told my sister at trick or treat yesterday but I don't think she realised the severity of it. I cried a lot. I cry a lot anyway because of the bi-polar.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.
i feel your pain
Even though i do not have any bi polar disorders i can relate to the addiction, i have been taking pills since i was 15 and i am now 27 and still cannot kick this habit. I have gotten clean and then come back, it keeps pulling me in like i am a magnet. I have gotton my husband to start taking them and that doesn't help. I think it was easier for me to feed my own addiction and now we both have to deal with the dragon. Having a good doctor would be a great first step. I know that i have not yet come clean with my doctor that i self medicate for my anxiety and depression. if you want to get clean, i will be here for you. I know i will be in the whole soon, i dont have the money or the want to keep up this habit. I might have 3 days left if i am lucky. keep posting, it really helps!
Hi, I'm Jim, I have ADHD .and was a junkie when i was your age getting into everything that I could. it's a hard thing to kick the habit, you keep telling yourself that its ok and I can stop whenever you want, and you really can, i went to prison trying to support my habit, please don't let that happen to you, it will ruin your life and any ambitions latter on. get help, from your doctor, I will pray for you. If you want to tlk, let me know
Littleme - I would tell your Mom. You need support from people who are the closest and care the most - especially if they have been through similar. Being 12 years recovered is long enough past the mental obsession that informing her will not be detrimental to her own sobriety.
I am struggling myself with getting clean and staying clean myself. Don't have anything magical to say or tricks. I am here to offer encouragement or just to listen if you have to get stuff off your chest.
Sidenote: 22 is too old to trick or treat IMO the cutoff is 14
Numbone - Personally I think as long as I dress up I should be allowed to trick or treat! Hey we all have our own opinions though.
As for telling my mom, I would be entirely too ashamed. I know she's strong enough to get past the drugs now. I don't fear that anymore. She often preaches that we finally broke the circle in our family. How could I take that illusion away from her now? You know the "Oh I'm so proud you made it through and didn't end up like me!" but in reality I kinda did, I just knew better than to ever let her know. When I'm too high I run away in a sense. Spend the night at a friends or wait until real late to come in so she never wonders.
Bat and Humj - I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance. I can't afford to get either one right now either. If I was seeing a psychiatrist like I need to be I would most definately tell them about the problem. They might not be medically the same as other doctors but they might be able to will me to quit. They might even be able to prescirbe something low dose to help, but I'm not trying to switch addictions either.
It's been 8 days.
It's been 8 days since my first post.
My doses of hydrocodone have been cut down dramatically and steadily this time. I have been taking about 5mg a day or less.
I have been using small doses of klonopin to sleep. It completely takes away any and all night time symptoms like anxiety and restless leg syndrome. After about 2 days of sleeping well I woke up feeling less achy. The cold sweats started going away.
During the day I have been trying to take very small doses of Adderall (I'm talking maybe 5mg) to help me with the low energy. Like I previously mentioned I never had trouble when I stopped using Adderall after years of abusing it so I'm hoping after just a few days it won't bother me one bit. This morning I am drug free. I'm definately dragging a little but I'm sure not miserable anymore.
Even using other drugs to substitute I feel a lot more confident about this. Most people always say "I'm not addicted", or "Won't get addicted". But Hydrocodone has been the biggest monster I have ever faced. You can critisize me for substituting all you want but I feel it was the help I needed to get out of my hole.
I'm not fond of sleeping pills. They leave me groggy and slow.
I'm not fond of the Adderall either, making my crazy mind even crazier over time.
I'm hoping by December I can get the idea of drugs out of my head completely.
Littleme - i kinda wrote that wrong about the trick or treat and age thing. I do believe there is a general consensus about an age cut off for trick or treating. However, my own personal opinion is if your are in the spirit and can get away with trick or treating - Congrats and im all for it!
As for your Mom, i hear you and respect what you are saying. However, i stand by my initial input and also feel lying, even a lie of omission is just as bad or worse. You should try to get over feelings of being ashamed, realize it is a disease of the mind and in many ways you are helpless. I think you need support from loved understanding loved ones.
Adderall - Never liked it much myself, My sister used to do it all the time in conjunction with her methadone clinic visist for the same reasons as you - energy. I would take some every once in a while and just didnt like how it made me feel. I think there has to be some similar natural substitute that can give you a boost.
NumbOne- I took no offense to the trick or treat thing. Even some of the people passing out candy were looking at me like I was a little nutty.
As for the Adderall I can't take it for long periods of time anyway because like I said it makes my Bi-Polar go even wackier so it's not something I fear falling into. It helped me a lot though. I stopped taking it and I'm doing fairly good now. Yesterday I felt practically emotionless. It was strange. Small bouts of frustration at feeling emotionless but that's my chemial imbalance talking there.
I've been doing pretty good though.
I thought this would be impossible but it wasn't. I just hope I stick to my guns.
Wow I just looked up the Thomas Recipe and besides all the multivamins (which I kinda substituted with Adderall), I was almost following those guidelines.
Sounds like it's helped a lot of people.
It helped me.
I'm gonna look into buying some of the mentioned supplements and see how that goes.
My hydrocodone doses are so small now I don't even feel the w/d anymore besides the night time anxiety but I have a personal history for that anyway with the Bi-Polar.
Maybe I'll look into some non-dependant sleep aids so I don't have to worry about picking up a benzo addiction too. I doubt I will though. I don't enjoy being sleepy when I wake up, haha.
alternative sleep meds
I have used valerian root, melatonin and even sleepy time tea. I make a super strong batch and that helps. I dont really like the melatonin but hey it might work for you also there is homeopathic called calms forte. just some suggestions
I'm too weak to even admit on some forum boards how that turned from good to disaster quickly. I got a paycheck and here I am at the beggining.