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loving an addict who's trying to stop - hurts
  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Unhappy loving an addict who's trying to stop - hurts

    I guess I just need some advice to help my husband (and myself) who is fighting a pill addiction. He knows it's a problem and he definitely wants to quit and has been trying, and doing good with only one or two minor setbacks. I've learned how to deal with his anger, frustration and sick feelings that come with addiction and withdrawal. I've had to harden myself against it, and now I'm afraid I've hardened myself towards him, too. I try not to feel much of anything because it hurts so much. I've watched a friend of his lose everything including his wife because he couldn't or wouldn't get off these things. And I WILL NOT get divorced because of an inanimate object!! I know he loves me more than the pills, but... I need reassurance. And when I do hear him tell me how much he loves me and needs me and everything will get better, I want to believe him sooo bad, and I do, yet there's a voice inside my head telling me to stay strong "just in case". I'm not sure he understands how much his problem has affected me. Partly my fault, I've tryed to always put on a smiley face and reassure him that I love him unconditionally (which I do) and we can make it through anything as long as we don't lose each other. So, because I've tryed to hide from him how much all this has hurt me over the past couple years, I don't think he realizes what I'm going through. I just have tryed to protect him from feeling even worse about everything. He has ruined us finacially, and he feels really awful and knows what he's done, so I will just make it worse to tell him or remind him that I'm scared.
    He is my best friend and I just want him to be better...
    Last edited by ddcmod; 10-28-2011 at 03:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default I am the one on the other side of this-your husband

    I'm the wife who is in almost the same situation as your husband. He acts about the same way in pretending that it's okay. Of course he;s been dealing with this for years and he knows there's nothing he can do or say to change me. I sometimes wonder how things would be if he were more stern in laying down some ultimatums. I'm so glad I've never had to find out as I would probably be homeless by now.

    We are best friends also, we've been together 26 yrs and have 3 children. Neither of us can imagine life without the other.

    You know, I don't really stop and think about how all this affects him as he normally pretends like it doesn't. I know he has said that he gets scared that things will go bad and that I'll lose it and get on harder stuff and/or disappear.

    His big thing is the money. At least that's what he chooses to bring up as what he won't deal with. That only forces me to sneak around and make sure he doesn't know about the money that I spend.

    My concern for you and me is that-As much as he admits to you-there's always a lot more that you don't know about. It affects your intimacy level and keeps you from REALLY communicating, if you know what I mean. With secrets you can't be completely open and honest and talk about what you're truly going through and it's hard.

    Keep posting-there's a lot of knowledgeable, awesome people here who will gladly offer you support and I can give you some perspective from the other side of things.

    So keep posting, you took the first step, which is the hardest, so stick with it!

  3. #3
    Anonymous Guest

    Post thanx

    Littln,

    Thank you so much for your reply. It's good to hear from the other side of the issue. I haven't talked to hardly anyone about the pain and frustration because I don't want my family to feel different about him. They love him and respect him. But I feel so alone sometimes. He's a wonderful man and I know his pride has been very affected by this, he feels awful about himself. That's one of the things that has changed, he used to be the strongest, most self-confident person I knew, now he hates himself. And I know it's because he feels hes let me down. Which he has. But it doesn't make me love him any less. Just makes me scared as hell. He's said before that this is his problem and not mine and to just let him figure it out, but I think he's finally realizing how its all affecting me, and that I'm a part of this life, too.
    I'm hopeful for the day that he will be better and we are both ok again.
    Posting on here was scary but needed.

  4. #4
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    Dec 2011
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    Default

    I just wanted to let you know I hear you, and I hope things are getting better. My husband is at the very least physically dependent on pain pills (unprescribed) after about 4 months, and I don't know how to convince him to quit. He thinks he's fine. I want so much for us to get our life back. Good luck.

  5. #5
    timo37821 is offline Junior Member
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    Nov 2011
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    Tennessee
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    Default

    Anonymous , Just wondering how you are doing. I hope all is getting better.If you have time update us on your situation I would love to know how things are going for you two.Keep up the good fight!!

  6. #6
    wakemeupalready is offline Junior Member
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    Dec 2011
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    Default

    I am going through the exact same thing and I HATE this!! And he cannot understand the look on my face when he says he loves me and it will get better. REALLY??? I love him so much, but I do not need this kind of love! I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now. I'm not the one who chose to throw our happy life away and put us through this. And I don't feel like I should pretend I'm okay with it and hopeful. I want it to go away, but he's the one who has to make that happen. And if it doesn't happen, then I will go away!

  7. #7
    scaredwife75 is offline Junior Member
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    wakemeup, I can totally relate. How he can chose this stuff over all the years of our love is beyond me.

  8. #8
    Hydra is offline Member
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    Default

    Hey there, again, wives!

    Once you understand that the men standing in front of you ARE NOT your husbands, you might be able to compartamentalize this a bit. As long as they are still using, they ARE NOT themselves.

    It is all part of the vicious cycle of addiction - they take the pills (mostly to avoid withdrawal at this point), they KNOW deep down how much it is hurting you, your family. This then turns into anger and/or frustration - because being face to face with you - is a constant reminder of their failure, as a husband, father, as a human being. The inability to look you in the eyes, being unable to acknowledge or communicate how bad they feel about what they are doing . . . sends them running for more pills, just so they can forget for just a couple hours how badly they are effing up their lives. Do you understand what I mean?? In no way do I mean that any of you actually "cause" them to take more pills - this is about THEM, THEIR SELF WORTH, not yours. And misery always loves company, and they will take you down with them, if they have the chance.

    Again, urging all of you to get to an Al-anon or Narc-Anon meeting. It will help you understand that his addiction is not at all about you, or even his love for you. I know my husband loves me more than anything in this world, he just no longer has the capability of expressing any feelings at all (other than anger and frustration), the drugs have completely numbed him. They honestly do NOT have any feelings while in active addiction (because addiction is all about AVOIDING feelings at all costs), so we can't expect them to express what they just do not have. Just last week, after giving MY last ultimatum, I kept hearing "You will never be the same, even if I get clean". I had to be able to recognize this for what it is - a diversion, and that is all. This was his addiction at work - trying very hard to survive. The logic (or lack there of) is typical - "my wife will never be the same after everything I have put her through, so I might as well keep on using". RIDICULOUS! If I hadn't been sooo educated in the ways of addiction - I may have fell for this arguement. My only answer was "how will we ever know if we don't try and find out?". The truth is, I will never be the same. But through my own sobriety program, I have learned the coping skills and tools that can allow me to forgive him. All he has to do is want my forgiveness . . .

    Again, my heart goes out to all you - to anyone who has a loved one, but most especially a spouse, there is nothing more stomach wrenching . . .

    Hugs & God Bless,

    Hydra

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