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Just anothe wife seeking advice and support
  1. #1
    weighteddown is offline New Member
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    Default Just anothe wife seeking advice and support

    I have read many of your posts and comments about living with or overcoming addictions personally or with that of a spouse. My story is so very similar to yours. My husband has had an addiction to prescribed pain medication for several years. He gets his prescription filled, takes triple in a day what he is prescribed to take, and is out in less than 10 days. Then the "snap" happens. I am accused of saying and doing things I don't say and do. He withdraws from us and our children. I just take it and try to keep my mouth shut while it happens to keep from making the situation worse and trying to understand he is withdrawing and it isn't him. I don't believe in ultimatums as I am afraid of the outcome. I don't know that I could handle being left for an addiction. I have dealt with addiction from family members all of my life. I cannot believe sometimes that I am still rallying for someone I love with an addiction. I have tried to sit down and talk with him about what he is doing to us emotionally and financially. He just sits and listens and doesn't say anything. I am sure he doesn't hear me. I understand that until he is will to change it won't change. He is also diabetic and has gone as far as getting his family to pay to get his prescriptions filled and lying to us about being out of insulin or just not telling us he was out of insulin. This incident landing him a 12 day stay in the hospital with very serious diabetic issues. He has broken his promise on several occassions to stop buying them on the street. I no longer give him access to our accounts or money. He asked me after his hosptalization to help him with this issue by putting his medicine in a dispenser and hiding his bottles so that he would only take them as prescribed for pain. This worked briefly until he started taking them out of the other days in the dispenser and screaming and cussing me for hiding the bottles. I gave up and gave him the bottles back reminding him that I was only doing what he asked me to do. So now he takes 10-12 a day until he runs out and we just deal with his moods and withdrawals for a few weeks until he gets his prescriptions. I even tried to suggest treatment facilities even on an outpatient basis but he says if I do this to him he will never forgive me for it. Like the rest of you I am dying inside watching him do this to himself and our family. I however do understand how addictions work and understand that he has to want a change. I do also understand that he has serious physical issues with pain due to a serious condition with his spine and neuropathy from diabetes. I do not doubt for one minute that he is in pain. I just know that this behavior is not normally, is not healthy, and I want to help him. I am just looking for advice and support. I am trying to find options for him and myself. Please offer whatever knowledge, advice, and information about treatment options that you can.

  2. #2
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    First I want to say that I'll pray for YOU for everything you're going through. I'll keep your husband in my prayers too of course, but I think that it's just as hard for the family member of an addict to admit that there's a problem as it is for the addict themselves. I myself have been addicted to pain medication for almost two years now, and my story sounds a lot like your husbands. I'd get my prescription from the dr, go through it in a couple days, buy stuff when I had the money, and do whatever I could do when I didn't. Three years ago I went to an in-patient facility mostly because my family wanted me to go and I knew that I was hurting them. But the whole time I was there, I didn't really think that I had a problem and when I came home it only took me three months to fall back into my old habits. This time around I'm detoxing myself cold turkey...today's only day 2 and it's awful, but I want to do it for ME this time so I'm going to. Unfortunately, you're right, and your husband is not going to be able to get help until he admits that he has a problem. There's not really anything you can do to fix it for him. They say that every addict has to hit rock bottom, and as much as it scares you to do it, maybe leaving w/ your children will be his rock bottom. It might not happen right away, but hopefully he'll realize that his family is more important to him than the drugs and his addiction. As far as the pain goes, I have torn ligaments in my knee and because I'm only 27, pain management has been my other option. If he talks to his dr. and tells them what's going on with the medication they may be able to give him alternatives for pain therapy that don't involve narcotics or opiate medication. HE has to be the one to talk to his dr. though, if you do it for him thinking that you're just trying to help, he's just going to resent you. Holding his medication is really not a good idea, even if he asks you to. I had my sister do that for me and I was so horrible to her when I wanted it back that we really ended up resenting each other; it almost completely destroyed our relationship. Maybe you could try subtly videotaping him when he's withdrawing or acting the way he does when he doesn't have his medication. As an addict, we don't want to hear what people have to say about our behavior, but it's kind of hard to argue w/ something we can SEE. And also maybe try and get his family involved in an intervention, have everyone prepared to tell him exactly how his addiction has affected them. But be prepared for him to think you're being mean or you just don't understand. Sorry this is so long and rambly, just know that you are definitely not alone, even though it feels like it a lot of the time. If you need any other advice or support from somebody that understands at least a little bit of what your husband is going through, just ask. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. <3

  3. #3
    weighteddown is offline New Member
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    thanks you for your prayers, I really appreciate that. I also appreciate your advice. It is nice to finally know that I am not alone and there is a place to have someone to talk to.

  4. #4
    NoMoreLies is offline Member
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    WeightedDown -

    I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I am not the spouse of an addict, I am the addict. I used Vicodin, Fentanyl, Percocet and Oxycontin for a little over 3 years. The Oxycontin and Percocet were prescribed to me for legitimate pain issues. I know you say you don't believe in ultimatums but maybe that would be the kick in the butt he needs. If my partner had not found out that I was over using meds and stealing her meds I would still be using. She told me I could stop or I could leave - I chose to stop. In that way she did help save my life. I was also at the point where I knew I needed to stop, I was getting tired of the roller coaster. Regardless of whether he stops or not, you need to focus on creating a healthy enviroment for you and your children. He won't stop until he's ready but you have children to worry about. He also needs to know he's making his pain worse. Over medicating with narcotics makes your pain a heck of alot worse, not better. The only thing I'm taking for pain is lidocaine patches and advil and 80% of the time it's ok. I never would have thought that was possible when I was using, because I was in pain all the time. My pain is so much better now without narcotics. Good luck to you. I hope you can find the courage to do the right thing for your children.

  5. #5
    weighteddown is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much for your words. I confronted him yesterday about another empty bottle and told him how scared I was for him, what he was doing to himself, what he is doing to our marriage and our family, the example he is setting for his children and suggested seeking help. He blew up. He later last night packed him a bag and left. Now I really don't know what to do.

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