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I'm still losing my war with Roxicodone-Littln's Journal
  1. #1
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default I'm still losing my war with Roxicodone-Littln's Journal

    I simply CANNOT stop. I've gotten clean in the past and stayed clean for some time but this stuff seems to be a whole other ball game, before these unbelievably powerful pills.

    As some of you know, I went and got some Subutex a few weeks ago and that didn't work out so well for me. I took about 32 mgs to start and continued to take 24 mgs for a couple of days until I was so wired I thought my head was gonna explode.I backed off down to 8mgs but continued to take extra when I wanted. I'm just addicted to taking pills.

    I'm hoping that the biggest reason the Sub didn't work so well for me was that I had a prescription for my Roxicodone just waiting to be filled and of course, in my head, my pain was horrific and I just had to get it filled.

    Right now I have about 9 days of Roxis left but about 15 days until I see my dr again. I'm either going to have to buy some or take the Sub. Of course my addiction is already plotting and planning how to survive.

    I'm so over this and I'm truly terrified of what it's going to take for me to truly stop. I read somewhere that there are no high bottoms and that scares me. I want to stop before I screw my marriage, my family, my home and my life.

    Maybe I'll be able to bring myself to call my Dr and get myself cut off. Maybe, if I can't find some pills to take to my appt. with me {I'll be 12 short} I'll just get kicked out of Pain Management.

    I don't know why I started this thread tonight. I guess it's because I miss talking to you guys and I wanted to just get honest. It's hard to even know if I'm thinking straight.

    O, and by the way, I was overtaking my meds 3 days after I had the Rx filled. Even with almost 30 yrs in addiction and recovery, I've never seen anything as powerful as this. I don't know if it's the strength of the meds or just that my disease of addiction has been progressing all this time.

    I hope to check in and post every day and to use this forum as a way for me to be honest with myself. I'm gonna have to get crafty to deceive this disease and allow myself to get clean.

    God help me.
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  2. #2
    res0kkw is offline New Member
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    I totaly understand where your coming from im not exactly having a easy time either.


    Im screwing up stuff >> never imagine.Im not in pain manage ment and i take hydro and percocet by snorting.


    The hardest part is restlessness and being emotional.Getting hot cold.

    I think we can do this we just have to be strong wich isnt easy..


    Cold turkey is best for me im simply not strong enough to wing my self i do one or 2 and then i cant stop chasing that feeling uhg...

    my prayers are with you littln

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Litt and Res,

    I think it's a good idea for you two to buddy up. You are both struggling at the very beginning of being over opiates and it helps to know that you are not crazy, that everything you are feeling, others feel or have felt too. My abuse was long and heavy and (thank you Forum Friends) I am coming up on 2 years clean time!

    Litt--you mentioned that this addiction is harder than any other you've had to kick. I can't compare, opiates were my thing from day one...my closest friend and lover! But I can tell you it's no picnic. It wasn't until after I was clean for some time, over 6 months is my guess, that I realized that I was reaching for the Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil, ANYTHING....YES!!!! OMG I am also addicted to the habit of taking a pill, anything. Even though the w/d symptoms were long gone my brain was still telling me..."you need a pill, take something...ANYTHING" and I did. Great. Then I had to learn how to resist those too? Yep. For me, the physical stuff was a cakewalk compared to the mental battle of my addiction. The lessons I learned this time was to take a breath and analyze why I wanted that pill, whether a perc, oxy, or yes, even an Excedrin. Did I really need one for legitimate pain? Was I reaching out of habit? I felt like I was in contant analysis!!! But it taught me to think before acting. It has served me well both in recovery as well as life. Too bad it took me to be 55 yrs old to just start to learn that lesson! LOL By the way, one of the hardest things I did was to come clean to my doctor. You know what? He didn't judge me, he helped me! Knowing I had cut that connection was an enormous help. I couldn't pick up the phone and ask for a script and besides, no way was I going to admit to him that I failed! I could save that stuff for the Forum.

    Stay stong both of you. You can do this, but you have to want it..more than anything you have to want it!

    Peace,

    Cat
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    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

  4. #4
    freedom11 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Littln - sorry to hear you're in such a tangle. I have no idea what you need to do - how those medications interact in your body or anything but can't help thinking you need to talk to a doctor (a good one) cos you could be doing some damage to your liver if nothing else. I know you talked before about not being able to stop taking some of this medication cos of the pain. Maybe it would help to set yourself a small goal to start with about what you want to do? Just a thought. Thinking of you. Love Jay xx

  5. #5
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Still driving myself nuts

    Another day of worrying myself to death over what I'm going to do. I brought all of this up to my husband again tonight when I was showing him some posts. Of course he's been worried to death as he knows I'm overtaking. I tried detox and I've tried Sub. My addiction tells me that because I've been an addict for so long, I should probably take Sub for the rest of my life but that's not realistic. I see it as substituting one drug for another and of course there's no way I could even afford it. My plan right now is just to finish out this script of Oxycodone and use the Sub I have left to help minimize withdrawal. I have a foundation in NA and my husbands in Recovery and likes to go to meetings. I'm just so concerned because the drive, the need to get clean and stay clean is not as powerful as I'd like it to be. I'm hoping that will get better when these pills are gone. I truly feel like a prisoner in my own body. The very definition of using against my will. I want to be clean and get back the life and the freedom I had while in recovery but right now the big, ugly addict is in control. Do I really have to lose everything? I sure hope not.

    Some small part of me knows that it's my addiction that's feeding me all this negativity. I need to get some time between me and the dope so that I can start thinking more clearly. I have enough meds for about 9 more days of using then it's time for some major decisions. Spending huge amounts of money on enough pills to get me to my dr's appt of start taking the Sub and try to detox.

    But Jeeze, I'm terrified of the Sub. I've never in my life been able to taper anything. I always take more-always. With what Max, Freedom and Shrimpboat are going through right now-I'm almost terrified of ever taking another one. I don't know. I just don't know.

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Litt,

    Glad you posted. You absolutely need to make a decision. Once you do and you commit to getting clean you can begin to wrap your head around that fact and start to push the fear away. You're not alone with that fear. I know that at least for me it was the fear of both what I was going to go thru to get clean as well as a dread and disbelief that I'd be able to stay that way for long anyway. "What's the use?" Wrong!!!! It's very much worth it. Your addiction will only get worse, you know this. You know that even if you are able to figure out a way to get thru this month, get past the doctors and get another script that next month you'll be doing this to yourself all over again. I soooo know the drill. All of us addicts know the drill. Those are the options: Face the fear and get clean, or live day to day, addicted, miserable, and counting pills. That is no way to live!

    We got your back. Go for it. First in your head and then just go for it!

    Peace,

    Cat
    Littln12 and lilred99897 like this.
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

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    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default A rainy day in my necks of the woods.

    I love to sit outside when it's raining and my husband built me a shelter with a tin roof and there's nothing so relaxing as listening to the rain hit that roof.

    As I was thinking about that, I was wondering if I actually stopped and took a moment to appreciate it and I don't think I did. I'm trying to take a look at everything the dope is stealing from me-like reading. I normally love to read and I can go through a good novel in a day but lately I've been paying late fees at the library on books I haven't even read. I miss it. That's my favorite past time and it's just not important right now. Huh?

    I'm praying for the willingness to have the willingness to be willing to look for willingness.Get it? I am scared. I know I can't get by the dr this month and I want to get clean. I'm to the point where if I don't clean, things are going to get ugly really fast.

    We're going to an NA Halloween dance and costume contest tomorrow night. I'm going to dress up and help my daughter get dressed. It's going to be a blast. See, if I had stuck around a few weeks ago when I first started all this, I'd have a few friends by now. I do know a few old timers so It's not so bad.

    I read something earlier that really hit home with me. So much so that I wrote it down.
    "When using doesn't work anymore, we use anyway because using is our only coping skill." Man that's harsh yet so true.

    On one hand , I'm really terrified and dreading the day when my meds are gone. O the other hand, I really can't wait. I want my life back. Counting pills? You nailed it Cat. Using sucks.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littln12 View Post
    I love to sit outside when it's raining and my husband built me a shelter with a tin roof and there's nothing so relaxing as listening to the rain hit that roof.

    As I was thinking about that, I was wondering if I actually stopped and took a moment to appreciate it and I don't think I did. I'm trying to take a look at everything the dope is stealing from me-like reading. I normally love to read and I can go through a good novel in a day but lately I've been paying late fees at the library on books I haven't even read. I miss it. That's my favorite past time and it's just not important right now. Huh?

    I'm praying for the willingness to have the willingness to be willing to look for willingness.Get it? I am scared. I know I can't get by the dr this month and I want to get clean. I'm to the point where if I don't clean, things are going to get ugly really fast.

    We're going to an NA Halloween dance and costume contest tomorrow night. I'm going to dress up and help my daughter get dressed. It's going to be a blast. See, if I had stuck around a few weeks ago when I first started all this, I'd have a few friends by now. I do know a few old timers so It's not so bad.

    I read something earlier that really hit home with me. So much so that I wrote it down.
    "When using doesn't work anymore, we use anyway because using is our only coping skill." Man that's harsh yet so true.

    On one hand , I'm really terrified and dreading the day when my meds are gone. O the other hand, I really can't wait. I want my life back. Counting pills? You nailed it Cat. Using sucks.
    Hey Litt....
    Something I read many many months ago when I quit was:
    When using is worse than quitting.....it's time to quit. That's what happened to me.
    Friends in NA, true friends, are for life.
    Have fun at the party! I like that NA invites the families to stuff.
    I have many friends from there, and many from here.
    Pretty darn good!
    Another member, who just joined!!!!!told me how to find new posts and keep up on people I care about!
    I've been wondering how you were.
    Never stop learning I guess....Just found out this new trick a few minutes ago...
    I'm stoked!
    Marian

  9. #9
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Shadow

    I truly wish that what you say about friends in NA were true for me. I had 8 yrs clean in NA once and had friends who I thought would be there forever. The reality turned out to be much different. Everything was conditional. The minute my husband and I decided that we didn't want to be completely dependent upon NA to live our lives, the friends started dropping off.

    I don't want to discourage you at all but please don't put all your eggs in one basket recovery wise. In my area, NA is almost a cult mentality. Either you're all the way in or you're out.

    In trying to come back this time, the women who were my best friends for years won't even return my calls. I have to start over. This really, really hurts. It's ok though because I know that with these behaviors from them, I don't want them in my life anyway. Besides the NA program is meetings and the 12 steps and I CAN find a sponsor and work the step, so it's gonna be okay.

    I'm looking forward to the dance and getting out of the house. Maybe I can start with getting to know some people or at least I won't be a stranger to them come meeting time.

  10. #10
    shybaybe2003 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littln12 View Post
    I love to sit outside when it's raining and my husband built me a shelter with a tin roof and there's nothing so relaxing as listening to the rain hit that roof.

    As I was thinking about that, I was wondering if I actually stopped and took a moment to appreciate it and I don't think I did. I'm trying to take a look at everything the dope is stealing from me-like reading. I normally love to read and I can go through a good novel in a day but lately I've been paying late fees at the library on books I haven't even read. I miss it. That's my favorite past time and it's just not important right now. Huh?

    I'm praying for the willingness to have the willingness to be willing to look for willingness.Get it? I am scared. I know I can't get by the dr this month and I want to get clean. I'm to the point where if I don't clean, things are going to get ugly really fast.

    We're going to an NA Halloween dance and costume contest tomorrow night. I'm going to dress up and help my daughter get dressed. It's going to be a blast. See, if I had stuck around a few weeks ago when I first started all this, I'd have a few friends by now. I do know a few old timers so It's not so bad.

    I read something earlier that really hit home with me. So much so that I wrote it down.
    "When using doesn't work anymore, we use anyway because using is our only coping skill." Man that's harsh yet so true.

    On one hand , I'm really terrified and dreading the day when my meds are gone. O the other hand, I really can't wait. I want my life back. Counting pills? You nailed it Cat. Using sucks.
    i so so so KNOW how you feel. I was so scared to get clean, even though I wanted to it took me 4 years after giving birth to my son to finally do it. I am now 6 months clean, and it is the second best thing I have ever done ( my son being first of course.) It just got to the point that I was scared to use and scared to get clean. I was stuck in this terrible hole I just felt i could not crawl out of. I just gave up, but by giving up, i mean I just took the plunge, went cold turkey and went through hell for a good week or more and waited. And waited. Gradually i was getting better. Waitied some more. Gradually my cravings lessened. Now I am doing good. I promise you it is so worth it, pills will ALWAYS be there, but your life may not. Besides, you deserve a chgance to see what your life can truly be life. Take it a day at a time, a hour, minute whatever you have to do. BUT PLEASE DO IT!I am saying a prayer for you right now. ANd i am not the strongest religious person. but i know you have it in you. Post here often, it does help. Be patient with yourself. Good luck to you!

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littln12 View Post
    I truly wish that what you say about friends in NA were true for me. I had 8 yrs clean in NA once and had friends who I thought would be there forever. The reality turned out to be much different. Everything was conditional. The minute my husband and I decided that we didn't want to be completely dependent upon NA to live our lives, the friends started dropping off.

    I don't want to discourage you at all but please don't put all your eggs in one basket recovery wise. In my area, NA is almost a cult mentality. Either you're all the way in or you're out.

    In trying to come back this time, the women who were my best friends for years won't even return my calls. I have to start over. This really, really hurts. It's ok though because I know that with these behaviors from them, I don't want them in my life anyway. Besides the NA program is meetings and the 12 steps and I CAN find a sponsor and work the step, so it's gonna be okay.

    I'm looking forward to the dance and getting out of the house. Maybe I can start with getting to know some people or at least I won't be a stranger to them come meeting time.
    Sounds like you've met up with some of the "NA cops" as I call them
    When I first started there we didn't have workbooks to do the steps in......and yet we got clean and stayed that way.....
    aaahh well,......all groups have their fanatics. I have many many friends, where we get together for coffee, watch football etc. We are kind of the "old timers" who don't quite do things the new ways.....older we get the harder change is
    You gotta pick and choose. But you already know this.
    Don't let it hurt you!
    You'll meet lots of great new folks. Most of those who hurt you are not remembering what the program is REALLY based on.
    Also some meetings are better than others.
    Just keep posting here, we'll keep ya going while you find support at home.
    Glad I found your thread finally! Sorry it took me so long!
    Hang tight
    Marian
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-30-2011 at 12:45 AM.
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  12. #12
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Hi Everybody

    I want to put some of my history down here in black and white so I can see it and remember and won't be able to minimize.

    I actually got high for the first time around age 6, Yes, six years old. My older brother and sister were huffing paint and I wanted to try it so I snuck around and tried it when they were gone. I remember hallucinating and loving the feeling as my life was not great.

    Did inpatient treatment for the first time at age 16 and I have since been to drug treatment and detox more times that I can count. The most recent detox just 2 months ago. I'm 41 years old and other than the 8 years I had clean from age 24 to 32, I've been using steadily since age 12.

    I do know how wonderful life can be without dope but of course my addiction sometimes tries to tell me that I can't live without dope because I'm just too damaged. Years of sexual abuse as a child and an unbelievably screwed up childhood, losing my entire family one at a time {most every one related to dope} one tragedy after another. It's amazing I'm not clinically insane.

    In short, I know I've already survived all this stuff and yes, I spent years in therapy but the grief and loss, both for my family and my childhood will always haunt me. I know other people have their own issues to deal with but my disease tells me mine are worse and nobody could possibly understand. That's a load of rubbish and I know it.

    I've already proved to myself that I can do this. I have a wonderful husband and the home of my dreams. I had a job that I loved making more money than I ever dreamed possible and I could probably get it back today if I wanted it. Now I have to get clean so I can enjoy it. I can't even begin to imagine where my family will be or how much we could have in another 8 years without dope.

    For me, even though financial losses haven't kicked in yet and my addiction hasn't affected my marriage or my family, I Want My Feelings Back!

    I want to be the self assured, happy, outgoing, fun-loving person that I used to be. I feel like a walking robot and the Sub Dr I saw a few weeks ago said something that really broke my heart and made me think. He said that my 10 year old daughter probably feels that I'm not available or that somethings "off" with mom. If she doesn't feel this way yet then she will soon. I don't believe this is true yet as our relationship is awesome but then, kids are way smart and intuitive, and I don't want her to ever feel this way.

    I guess I'll have to use Sub to detox even though I'm terrified of getting hooked on it. I've still got about 15 of the 8mg's left and I can pick up 30 more at the pharmacy if I have to. I have maybe a week left of the Roxi's then it's do or die.
    Last edited by ddcmod; 10-30-2011 at 02:46 AM.

  13. #13
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Talking Shadow-

    Quote Originally Posted by shadowwally View Post
    Sounds like you've met up with some of the "NA cops" as I call them
    When I first started there we didn't have workbooks to do the steps in......and yet we got clean and stayed that way.....
    aaahh well,......all groups have their fanatics. I have many many friends, where we get together for coffee, watch football etc. We are kind of the "old timers" who don't quite do things the new ways.....older we get the harder change is
    You gotta pick and choose. But you already know this.
    Don't let it hurt you!
    You'll meet lots of great new folks. Most of those who hurt you are not remembering what the program is REALLY based on.
    Also some meetings are better than others.
    Just keep posting here, we'll keep ya going while you find support at home.
    Glad I found your thread finally! Sorry it took me so long!
    Hang tight
    Marian
    Marian, Thank you-this brought tears to my eyes. I can't believe you actually looked for my thread. This IS a perfect example of how things USED to be. REACHING OUT! Once again, Thank You, you made my day!!

  14. #14
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Talking Shadow-

    OOPS! Duplicate posts somehow. Sorry
    Last edited by Littln12; 10-30-2011 at 01:20 AM. Reason: Duplicate post

  15. #15
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    Littln...
    You'll get there. You know what you have to do.
    You'll do it.
    It WILL be ok!
    You are supported here!
    Great place, huh?
    Marian

  16. #16
    freedom11 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Littln - don't know if you've visited my thread recently but it's about 25 days now and I'm FINE. In fact was pretty fine after about 10 days jumping off sub taper really - just my mental/emotional difficulties with dealing with the fallout from my addiction on my own - which I guess anyone would have. Just want you to know that's it's OK past the finish line and really in comparison with cold turkey - it really is a walk in the park. It's just coming up to 10 months now that I've been off my DOC - >>>>>> (bar three slips/bags early on) and, as you know, I used methadone, and then subs to finally get me off. SO, although I've only done the sub taper for about two/three months it is different I think when it's not your DOC (and methadone was a means to an end to so I tapered that as quickly as I possibly could). I've stopped H cold turkey a few times in the past, and once with subs, and longest I lasted for was 4 months. So it's been a long old road, and I got very depressed at first, but sounds like you have way more support than I had (before I got on this site I was doing it totally on my own and getting into trouble at work and finances as you know) AND I'd just say, go for it. If you take the advice of people here who've been down the road before, it really is a walk in the park, especially if you've done cold turkey before. Love Jay xx

  17. #17
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    hey litlin.

    hope this time, if you do subs, you will start on 1mg at a time after you induct. if you are so scared of gettin addicted, thats the best way to start. lowest effective dose. but you know this.
    you have to decide, is it time to stop popping the pills.?

    you beleived last time you could control your use, and you kinda gave us a hard time for warning you. please know we are all addicts and we could see a mile away what was gonna happen.

    you said you have enough for only 9 days out of 15?? a good start would be to divvy them up, so you can make it. mind you if you make it to the doctors appt, you will probably get another script ay.?
    not sayin this to be negative, but you really need to cut off your supplies if you want this to work....

    but please dont go taking tons of subs like last time. it screws you up...

    get it right this time mate. me and jay, and plenty of others have done it. you just have to want it... no half pie effort in this game. all or nothing mate.

  18. #18
    freedom11 is offline Advanced Member
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    Agree with Cheeky. 15x8mg is plenty!! You don't need any more than that. Don't waste your money. Love Jay xx Think about it; at the most 5 days 1mg; 5 days 0.75 mg; 5 days 0.5 mg etc etc (even if you started higher you would have enough).

  19. #19
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Sounds Good!

    My husband and I had a long intense conversation about all this yesterday. Our local newspaper is doing a 3 day long investigation and research article on prescription drug abuse and I read him the article and we started talking about whats going on with me.

    I've got just a few more days worth of pain pills then it will surely be all or nothing.

    He is going to do the induction and be the one dispensing the subs. Believe me, talking him into extra or manipulating him is not going to be an option.

    How can I get across that I'm trying not to talk a bunch of cr-p while I'm still taking the meds. I know how easy it is to talk about getting clean while high. I'm trying to wait and pray that I'll still have the willingness to do this when the pills are gone.

    I don't think it's fair to give people a hard time for things they've said and done in the past. I believe we have all done things we wish we hadn't and said things we wish we hadn't said. Today is a new day and just for today I'm trying to do the next right thing. I shouldn't have to be judged for what I did yesterday. If recovery worked that way we'd all be up the creek, although I have certainly learned a lot.

  20. #20
    freedom11 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Littln - way to go; glad to hear you're ready to go for it. Why not ask robert to help you with the induction? He's really good. Or, get your husband to sign on here and help him with inducting you? (I only thought of the latter because there is someone robert is helping who is the mum). Just a thought. The more support the better. Love Jay xx

  21. #21
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Hey Jay- No Thank You

    I think I'll be okay. I'm just going to do it quietly. From long experience, I don't do so well with listening to folks unless I know them very well and know that they're someone I want to be like when I grow up. I've already had a go round with Denny and that certainly didn't win me any friends around here. There's no way I'm going to do that with Robert.

    Thanks for thinking of me. I'm sure I'll be posting quite frequently with the transition from Oxycodone to Sub. If I change my mind, I know how to reach him.

  22. #22
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Lit12,

    Don't have any good advice for you either. I have bounced back and forth from oxycodone to subs for a while now and I can't win either. I relapsed today. I did 4 days only on the subs to get through the hardcore WD and was not doing all that bad physically. But of course some pills found there way to me, or should I say I put myself in their path? No one to blame but me. I to, just can not stop. I feel like such a loser right now. As soon as I took them I felt every single minor ache and the cold feeling I always get vanish, but then the guilt came. All the other times I went on subs it seems I get to a certain point, either in being on them about 4-6 weeks or down to a certain mg and I cave. I won't lie, I enjoy the high when I actually feel it. When at worst, I'm doing about 200mg of oxy a day. Have been hooked on opiates for the past 5 years or so. I will say you don't need that much subs per day. I felt fine with 6mg, maybe the large amount is screwing with your head. I also have taken others advice to no avail. I'm starting to believe I'm doomed for life.

  23. #23
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default Blue

    I've only ever taken Sub for 5 days last month. I pray to do everything in my power to keep from bouncing back and forth. I just can't imagine living like that and I would think It would only be a matter of time before you get really sick with precipatated withdrawals or die. I found out real quick how powerful the subs are and 6mgs seems like an insanely high amount to me. I've never given myself the option of maintenence drugs as I truly believe that's no way to live-substituting one drug for another.

    There is always hope-I know for me, it comes down to a choice. Have I had enough? Am I truly done with the dope? Am I truly sick and tired of being sick and tired? I think I am and I'm about to find out.
    I don't know about you butI have a family to answer to. I am totally, brutally honest with my husband and he knows exactly whats going on with me. I pray that I can get my life back.

    I live everyday with the knowledge of how powerful these pills are. They try to tell me that they're too strong and I'm too far gone to get better. They want me to believe that I have to be on them for the rest of my life. No way, I know better,

    I know it's not going to be easy but I don't appreciate anything that comes easy. I remember that for the few days I was taking the subs that I kept reaching for my pills because I take a pill before and after I do anything. For me-taking the pills was as much a habit as smoking. I don't even really get high anymore it's just taking the pills.
    Habits can be broken and this habit is killing me. The day I run out of pills, I'm gonna get myself to an NA mtg and whatever else it takes to keep from using again. Hang in there. If you want it badly enough, it IS possible.

  24. #24
    heaven28 is offline Member
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    Hi lil- I am almost off Suboxone now.Using Robert's taper method. If I knew everything I know now about suboxone I would of just used it to get over the very worst of withdrawls then got off.I used it for a lot longer than I should have. I was also on roxi's. I was seriously abusing them for a long time,and then at the end it was oxy's,roxi's and any strong pain meds I could get my hands on to get my fix and keep me from getting sick.

    I quit cold turkey a little over 4 years ago. I would pick up a few pills here and there just to get a little high after being sober for 2 years...That was a BIG mistake...eventually it turned into more often and more pills...I relapsed and after about 2 months into it again,I took at step back and looked at my son(was 8months at time) Said I need to stop now!! I have TOO much to lose this time around!!!!!! I started the subs and now getting off them this way,after trying so many other times and always failed! The taper method is the best way with subs!

    I really hope you make the best choice. I say kick this habit with the suboxone to get you through the worst and then taper off the subs and be 100% clean. You have great support on here and going back to the NA meetings you not be alone!! I agree with Freedom maybe getting a little help from Robert. I understand you don't know him. None of us do,but just hearing what he has to say.He works with everyone differently...He will work with you...start you at a dose and if you're feeling comfortable he will have you take a little more until you feel comfortable.He is only out to help! He does this from the greatness of his heart.That's totally on you though!! PLEASE do not feel as if I am trying to make you work with him,because I am not by any means... You will get through this any way you do it if your heart and mind are in the right place! Temptation is the devil!!! Just need to stay strong!! You mentioned before I think,being honest with your Dr. I think that's a brilliant idea because if you get tempted and you call him,you could get roxi's anytime! That would not be good....YOU WILL DO AWESOME!!!

    Cheeky mentioned you thought before you could control your use. That just reminded me of something I once heard. "If you have to control your using,It's already outta control." I found that very true
    Good Luck with everything and stay focused!!
    freedom11 likes this.

  25. #25
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default My last day of using-Warning-May Be Long

    I just took my very last roxi. This is really scary stuff. The last time I did this a few weeks ago, I wasn't scared at all so I guess maybe my disease knows I'm for real this time. I swear to me being an addict is having multiple personality disorder and having this internal dialogue going on all the time. My brain drives me crazy. It's a constant battle and I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own body fighting to do the right thing.

    It's 1 am here and I know I'll be up until 4 or 5 having just taken that pill. This is the loneliest time for me and it's when I do a lot of thinking. It's hard to deny how screwed up I am when my whole family along with the rest of the world is sleeping and I'm sitting up all night stoned on pills. I'm gonna try to get down how horrible using is so I'll have this to come back and read in the next few days.

    As I've said before my disease constantly tries to tell me it's not that bad because I have a beautiful home and my husband and I are best friends along with my daughter-we go out all the time and have fun together as a family. The only unmanageability is that most of the time Mom's stoned and they don't even realize it.

    I'm numb and constantly eating pills. I can't remember the last time I actually experienced joy or happiness. I really don't feel much of anything and I know that my daughters going to be grown in no time at all.

    I have 2 grown sons who are both getting high and getting nowhere fast. I used to be so resourceful and I could talk to them about anything. I gotta get my head straight and at least be able to be here for them emotionally.

    When I'm clean, I can do anything. I had an awesome job making great money and people knew and respected me. I had sponsees in NA who still call occasionally because I was a great sponsor who had a part in a lot of women staying clean and getting their kids and their lives back. Again, I'm not bragging, I need to remember this stuff.

    This is going to be a tremendous change. I've already caught myself thinking about how many pills I have for tomorrow. I do that every night and all day long every day. My very first thought in the morning, before I even open my eyes, is how many pills I have for today.Pills-all the time-constantly. I reach for them before I do anything and I reach for them when I finish something. I want my life back.

    Heaven, I KNOW I don't have any control over my using. No idea where that came from.

  26. #26
    Denny_D is offline Advanced Member
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    Littln .... As you most likely know I have followed your story for some time now. I really do understand exactly where you are coming from.

    I abused Narcotics, Opiates, and almost everything else for over 35 years. I then used Suboxone to get myself clean. My entire story is so much of a carbon copy of Robert's that it is really scary! I did most of the very same things as he did while addicted to those monsters.

    But I can assure you that getting myself clean is the absolute very best decision I have made in my entire life! I truly mean that! I am just home after having some surgery issues and not feeling real good at the moment, but felt compelled to write to you.

    I just wanted you to understand that although we did not hit it off in our first encounter, I really do only want to help you in the best way that I can. If that is to support you while you take the Roxi's then so be it. If you would like some help if you decide to use the Subs, then I will offer my help with those as well. I really, truly, care about you!

    I am very experienced in the way of induction and tapering of the Subs if you choose that direction to go. I would be proud to help you with them. If you have decided that you do not want my help, then that is just fine.

    Littln, I wish you nothing but the best in your efforts to find the answers you are looking for. Please know that I will always be on your side no matter what happens or what you decide to do. I am just a moment away if I can help you.

    Please have a great day and keep yourself as busy as you can so that you do not think of the pills so much. I would like to say a Prayer for you if you don't mind. God Bless.....Denny

    p.s. seeing as I'm recovering from the surgery ordeal, I may not be on the forum very much of the day for some time yet. I will post when I get the chance.

  27. #27
    Littln12 is offline Member
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    Default It's been an interesting day

    I didn't really let myself start the sub until about hour 17 or right at 6PM. My last Roxi was at 1 am yesterday. I gotta say, my personal experience has been that you don't have to get that sick. When I was at the sub docs last month, I was only 12 hrs in and he told me I was ready just because my pupils were dilated. I didn't take any for the next 2 hrs because of going to the pharmacy and getting home.

    I had wondered about this last time as I was only at a 12 on the cows worksheet so I waited til I was at a 12 today and I'm fine. I've only allowed my myself 2 mgs and I already feel geeked out.

    My plan is simply to use the min of subs to keep from getting sick.

    I gotta say, It seems to me like because I didn't drink the koolaid and allow my detox to become todays drugs.com drama then no one wants to talk to me.

    So Be It

  28. #28
    res0kkw is offline New Member
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    Please go to walmart and get HTP 5 it really made everything barable for me.

    >> take it with breakfast and dinner along witha vitamin in morning and a gator aid energy bar.

    I swear by it now i went through rough withdraws doing 5mg 10 a day or less and i was doing 10 mg hydros percs and i did 21 opanans 30mg and 40 in 4 days be4 i went cold turkey and the meds made it like i was just a little tired i was amazed and could actualy get up work i helped my aunt moved out thats how good i felt.

    Keep busy dont sleep any all day and you will sleep fine i took 2 zanax to sleep even better i did that for 3 days and was done with that and i feel totaly awsome.

  29. #29
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littln12 View Post
    I didn't really let myself start the sub until about hour 17 or right at 6PM. My last Roxi was at 1 am yesterday. I gotta say, my personal experience has been that you don't have to get that sick. When I was at the sub docs last month, I was only 12 hrs in and he told me I was ready just because my pupils were dilated. I didn't take any for the next 2 hrs because of going to the pharmacy and getting home.

    I had wondered about this last time as I was only at a 12 on the cows worksheet so I waited til I was at a 12 today and I'm fine. I've only allowed my myself 2 mgs and I already feel geeked out.

    My plan is simply to use the min of subs to keep from getting sick.

    I gotta say, It seems to me like because I didn't drink the koolaid and allow my detox to become todays drugs.com drama then no one wants to talk to me.

    So Be It
    Littln 12,

    I just read through this entire thread, and then noticed you stopped posting as soon as you began the subs. How are you doing???

    Please don't let any naysayers keep you from posting here. There's no one formula for success with recovery, and you still deserve all the support you can get from here. This isn't a place for drama - this is a place for support.

    I was a chronic relapser - good lord, I felt like I was totally hopeless. It actually took me 4 years in and out of recovery (for a week or two at a time) - before I finally found my way into long-term recovery. And that's a really lousy place to live. We know we are addicts, we know we need to stop - yet we feel completely powerless to do it. The "pull" of the pills can be so overpowering.

    One of the most important pieces to my success, especially early on - was to completely STOP myself from ANY access to more pills. Recovery takes action. My mind - as an addict - simply could not deal with knowing that I had a way to get the pills again. I had to 'fess up to my doctors - and I had to 'fess up to anyone and everyone around me that enabled my use. I even 'fessed up to the pharmacists. I had to put a bullet-proof barrier between me and the pills - and I had to do it quickly.

    Trying to live without pills - when there's a pill available at the end of a phone call - is kind of like trying to diet while there's chocolate cake in front of you. (But multiply that temptation by 1000!) It's damned near impossible to resist. Our minds are so programmed by our disease, that we can not resist the temptation. In fact, we put ourselves through needless mental and emotional turmoil, even knowing that the option of getting more pills is out there.

    When I finally did stop, I had to listen to the suggestions of those who had successfully stopped before me. No, not every suggestion - I didn't like every flavor of the kool-aid (lol) - but I couldn't close my mind off from listening to those with some real wisdom about recovery. Sometimes, the thing I most needed to do was the very thing that irritated the "bejebbers" out of me the most. You'll hear a lot of suggestions by a lot of well-meaning folks along the way. Some are worth listening to, and some are not. If you want long-term success, I urge you to seek out the help of those with long-term success. Those who are new to recovery simply do not have the experience to offer the sound wisdom you need.

    One last thought. My oldest daughter was 8 years old when I finally stopped - and stayed stopped. A counselor suggested to me that any time I want a pill, visualize picking up my daughter and putting her on the pharmacy counter - and passing her over to the pharmacist. Because that was what I would be doing. I would be exchanging her needs for my wants - for my pills. No child deserves to look into their mother's eyes and see hollowness - that's terribly frightening.

    Yes, you're doing this for you, first of all. But sometimes, when we don't have enough love left for ourselves, we have to grasp onto anything that will keep us on the recovery path. So, at times, it was my daughter that I did it for. As long as I did it, that's what mattered. And I can promise you, it paid off a thousand-fold. (She just turned 30 - and has no signs of drug or alcohol issues - in fact, she's about as well-balanced a young lady as I've ever known!)

    I hope you'll be back to post on your progress. I'll keep you in my prayers.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    Melissa B and Hydra like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  30. #30
    Denny_D is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ARTIST658 View Post
    You'll hear a lot of suggestions by a lot of well-meaning folks along the way. Some are worth listening to, and some are not. If you want long-term success, I urge you to seek out the help of those with long-term success. Those who are new to recovery simply do not have the experience to offer the sound wisdom you need.

    Ruth ..... I take offense to this statement by you. In my case at least. Yes I am new to recovery having almost 4 months clean time. Not sure if you consider that to be new to recovery, but my guess is that you do indeed. But I do believe that I am very qualified to offer hope, suggestions, and advice to those that may require it, or ask for it.

    I think that my past abuse of over 35 years of almost every drug available, all of my book knowledge, college degrees, and first-hand experience, does indeed qualify me to offer the sound wisdom that you do not believe that I should offer. Would 10 plus years of clean time be more beneficial? Maybe it would, but it is not absolutely necessary in my opinion to offer sound, well thought out advice or suggestions to others. Do I consider myself to be an expert, no way at all.

    I have been in almost every situation that you have mentioned about yourself, and then some. My entire story is so similiar to Robert's, almost to the letter, that it is really scary! I did everything that he said he had done and used NA, AA, Church, and my belief in God to get through it all. I still do to this day!

    I relapsed more times than you can count. And learned from it along the way every time. And I also was involved in the helping and guidance of several friends and family members along the way in their efforts to get themselves clean as well. This all adds up to experience in my opinion.

    I am not trying to start an argument with you Ruth, especially on another persons thread, and I apologise to Littln for using her thread to do so, but I feel I must speak up at this time. For myself and maybe others in a similiar situation.

    Do I work in patient care or a drug therapy program (not sure of your exact title) and paid to do so such as you are? No I do not. But just because I don't have years of clean time doesn't necessarily make me NOT qualified to speak to others with wisdom, compassion, courage, knowledge, and experience in my humble opinion Ruth.

    Once again not my intention at all to argue, but felt that I must speak up when challenged by others. I always will. I sincerely hope and Pray that you take this post in the manner and spirit in which it was intended.

    If by chance that you do indeed believe that my nearly 4 months of clean time DOES make me qualified, then I sincerely offer my apology to you for speaking out of turn. God Bless.....Denny

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