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Day 2 of tryin to get my life back
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    286

    Default Day 2 of tryin to get my life back

    Hi, I'm not sure if this is where I'm supposed to post or not, but I've been reading a lot of what other people are writing, and I could use the support. I posted a response to somebody else's thread, and decided that it's time to tell my story and get it all out there. So here it is...Two years ago, I tore ligaments in my knee and was told by a dr. that I'd need a knee replacement. But because I was only 25 at the time nobody would do it, and I was told that my only option was pain management. So for the last two years I've been addicted to roxi 30s. I say that I've been addicted from the beginning only because three years ago I had a problem w/ pain meds that I went away to an in-patient rehab for. I really only went because everybody in my family wanted me to go, and the whole time I was there I didn't really think that I had a problem, so when I got home (after an intensive 12 day detox/rehab program) I only stayed clean for about 3 months. The only difference this time is that I was getting them from a dr. instead of buying them. I've been taking between 6-8 a day, sometimes more and not always by mouth. A few months ago I actually miscarried b/c of not having enough of my meds--which I HATE myself for. I feel guilty because I feel like I killed my unborn baby, and instead of that being my "rock bottom" it only made me use more, which I'm completely ashamed of. Two days ago I ran out of my medicine again, only now I don't have insurance or a doctor anymore, and I finally realized that I'm TIRED of doing this. I'm tired of not being able to make plans because I don't know if I'm gonna have any pills, and I'm tired of not being able to feel normal in the morning before I take at least 2. I can't do it anymore, so I've stopped cold turkey--partly because I had to. Today is my second day with nothing and I'm terrified. My family knows most of what's going on, and mostly how bad things were (they don't know why I lost the baby because I'm afraid of how they'd look at me if they did). I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to do this, and that when Monday comes I'm gonna try and find something because I know it would make me feel better. My whole body hurts, I can't seem to turn my brain off--especially at night when I try to sleep--I can't stop crying, every minute feels like an hour, and my hands are shaking so bad that I'm afraid I'm gonna drop everything I pick up. I'm so ashamed of what I've let my life become, I'm scared I'm not going to get through these w/d, and I'm TERRIFIED that I'm not strong enough to stay clean. I just needed to put it all out there, any help and/or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanx <3

  2. #2
    April Valentine is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    10

    Unhappy

    I really wish you had used paragraphs.
    From what I understand, you feel guilt for sth that was beyond your control at the time.

    I think you should get therapy, as I do, every two weeks & stop thinking about mis carrage. As a woman who's terminated pregnancies, I can tell you, it was a FETUS.
    Not a baby. Look it up.

    My spiritual beliefs are obviously different than yours, but that fetus did not become a baby. Give yourself a break. Talk to women with a different outlook.

    Grieve & move on. Easy to say, but life is short.

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