yesterday was 2 weeks!

[iloerose]

Toni-- I'm soooo glad you made it past the using part. That is TRULY AWESOME You described the feeling in just the right way, justifications and all. I think about it from time to time. That's part of it. What if I just had one. LOL yeah. right.

Rose

[toni.s.]

oh guys,

i skipped the meeting tonight and drove around contemplating using for like an hr and a half instead.

i dono why..but i felt like coming home and checking my comp before going to my dealer's.
he's in the next neighborhood.
howwwww convenient.

i got a new sponsor..
didn't trust the old..
and just weren't vibing.
not gonna get into it..
but gotta start the steps over again, with the new.
so why not use in between, right?
kinda like a last hoorah!
just kinda feeling like..scratch that...knowing..
it's now or never..
put up or shut up..

i know i WANT the sober life...
but still kind of clinging to my past.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO.

and i'm trying to take the lead of the angel..
but the devil on the other side is oh so enticing.

anyways..
glad i checked in.
WAS gonna head over there..
think i'll stay in.

you know? i don't even wanna get shh faced ore anything.
only want to get a cpl..
and honestly...
i know i wont enjoy it.

i'll feel guilty.
and ashamed.

but i just can't turn it over.

no..
i can.
but i take it right back!

turn it over.

take it back.


this is insane.

i don't wanna let ya'll down. nor my homegroup. nor my sponsor.
nor MYSELF.
but at the same time! just don't care.

i'm gonna do laundry.
i work both jobs tomorrow!
how retarded would that be to use..

i heard in a meeting yesterday..
"after one door closes, another one opens. you just have to get through the hallway."

THAT'S where i am.

i'm in the hallway..
on the fence.
whatever u wanna call it.
i have my old life on one side.
but my new life, on the other side, hasn't quite started yet.
it's getting there..
but not quite there yet, ya know?
so i'm just kinda stuck in between.
still building friendships..
still building this foundation.
and i feel like i'm swaying back and forth in some kind of limbo.
or like i'm walking towards the other (open) door..
but i'm walking backards..
and i haven't closed the old door yet..
so i'm just staring at my old life.
and it's hindering me from seeing my new life.

i talked to my new sponsor's sponsor today.
i reached out to her cuz mine wasn't available.
and she said..
"sobriety has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. you'll get to the point where u wont even WANT to give up all the good things in your life anymore, for drugs"

and that's what i want.
and i know that's what i have to work TOWARDS..
but at the same time..
i think..
"well..BEFORE i get to that point, why don't i just use one more time?"..

i know it doesn't make sense..
and i can analyze..
rationalize..
intellectualize..
why I SHOULDN'T USE...
but my addiction can also do the same as to why i should..
and it's scary..
confusing..
frustrating..

arghh.

i'm tired.

at some point..this has to get easier?

[iloerose]

Jeez, toni, we've all been there sitting on the fence. Think of ghosts sitting there with you. Some will go one way, take that step back: because one or two won't be enough.THAT IS TRUTH. It IS true one is too many and 1000 aren't enough. Then some will take the way your sponsor said: keep working towards the new life, because life without drugs is 1000 times better. I remember never feeling good when I was using 100mg. lortabs. However, I did have a back injury about two months after and had no choice but to take those things again. But I wasn't on as many mg. always used what the doc said, but it took me from Nov. to apr. 2010. I could feel myself getting out of control again and I had all the excuse in the world to use. And girl, for me, it never gets easy, easy. Just one. or two. or three. or four. Just today. and tomorrow. And it's back to square one. But it does get easier to say "no". The more clean time you have, the better off you'll be. Your brain is having a good war with you. Remember what WE said? How we are so intelligent, yet it's insulting to our intelligence that our minds trick us into using? Hang Tough, Toni.

Rose

[iloerose]

Toni? Where are you? Kinda worried on this end of things about you.

Rose

[toni.s.]

rose,

thank u so much for caring.

i've been so close..
sooo close.

constant contact with this person..
manipulative me..
keeping him close, for if i decide to..

plans to go there after work..
for 3 or 4 days now..

but i just seem to come home instead.

part of me wants to just do it, one last time..

but the other part of me..(and THANKFULLY it's the bigger part of me right now..)
just can't seem to do it.

i don't wanna let ppl down..
but to be honest..
and i know this is sick..
but i'll tell on myself..
IF i were to make a wrong decision..
i already decided i wouldn't tell anyone.

and i guess i just don't want to be that person anymore.

i'd have to lie to my friends..
yeah..
lol..go figure..
i have actual FRIENDS now..
so it would actually HURT me to have to lie to them..

the ppl from my past..
i never woulda thought twice about lying to.

but i guess,
most importantly..
i don't want to lie to myself anymore.

that life is over..
it's over.

time to grow up.

i want a family.
i want friendships.
i want love.
intimacy.
beauty.
integrity.

and how dare i EXPECT those things..

i need to work for them
i've been worried about my appearance.
how ppl perceive me.
the amount of money i have,
(lol yeah, go figure. i have money now. actually building credit for myself. NEVER before did i bother)
the clothing i have
(working in fashion retail...it is KINDA important. )

and don't get me wrong.
IT'S GREAT.
ALL of these things..
i have from my sobriety.
just another bonus.

but ...
yeah.
time to start working on building from the inside out.
and for that..
i need honesty.

God... please don't drop me.

[Anonymous]

toni, i can tell you it aint worth it.... first off the guilt is gonna ruin any possible buzz you think you want...

secondly, you might feel like ah its only one.... and heres the thing,,, ive done it.. got off subs, way back in december 2010, about 3 or months on i decided, ah buggar it im gonna have a bit of morphine, just the once... well, yeh i did. got horribly sick, and thought yeh, thats it. but hmmm about a month later i was like, well i handled that, im ok... maybe one more. and i did. then someone gave me a few. and ya know what, i was soooo damn close to picking myself up ''a wee habit''' (my head told me its only small), but seriously, at what point do we ''cross over to the dark side'' ya know. like, at what stage do we hit the 'dammit ive gone and got a habit and im gonna get strung out' moment....
thats the great unknown, and also like dancing with the devil, i pushed it RIGHT TO THE LIMIT i swear... i realized, and thought wow kiwi, you FOOL who the hell do ya think you are kidding, you are kidding yourself if you think you are gonna have any control over this if ya dont stop NOW....
thankfully, i did...
thats not to say i never tried it once again... few months after.

so yeh, i know the demons. and i know basically, i would wake up with the seed planted in my head. already decided who i could go see who would 'sort me out'...

its always gonna be there mate, we have to be strong in ourselves, man, we are a tough bunch of survivors, most people have no idea what its like being trapped in a ''junkies'' head. i like to think im intelligent also, and oh yeh, that will go right out the window in a flash if the 'seed' gets me...

thats what i call it,. so lately its like, realizing, i cant do that again... im too high risk. i just dont know when i pass that point of no return, and end up knowing im gonna suffer for a few days.. and when does that few days become unbearable, so we carry on....

im raving a bit, but its coz i know how ya feel. ive been there. in my own bent way too, if i actually didnt go and score, i would be mad at myself. seriously. ! how screwed up is that, instead of being proud of not using, i had this sick disgust in myself for not using also... like ive missed out on something. that is INSANE...

you gotta realize then, you have the seed in ya,. and you have to do something to kill it..

YOU DONT NEED TO USE..

YOU DONT NEED TO USE......

go do something good for you. for getting this far. shout yourself a treat, a new top, new hat for summer, a treat for you. thats what i would also do... like dammit im spending some money on ME instead of drugs. coz dammit i deserve it.

YOU DESERVE THIS TONI, dont let your brain convince you otherwise...

take it easy girl

[caughtagain]

Wisdom from Opels Mommy... The Original CA... She is spot on Toni! Pop in and let us know you are ok... Reid But remember, be proud of yourself for WORKING THROUGH these issues. I sure am proud of you.

[winged eagle]

Oh wow, kiwi.. Awesome post..
Toni, every word she said, I second. Spot on.
We've all been there. Heck, I was there just yesterday, and you know what? As much as that saying can piss us off, it truly DID pass. I'm not naive to think it won't happen again, but with each moment we spend away from the demon, we gain an iota of strength. Eventually, it builds up into a massive wall that is insurmountable, for the demon that is..
Just take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, if need be..
You're strong, Toni.
But I get it. This thing can weaken us if we allow it to.
Don't allow it...

[LovesAnimals]

Toni, I can't really say anything better than the advise you received above from everyone. I just know how hard you have worked to get where you are now. Not one job but two! Just recently you got your car back on the road! Remember how good you felt obtaining all of this??? I am sure you even have other goals - not sure what but maybe your own place one day, vacations, healthy relationships, (just throwing things out there, only you know your long term goals but I am sure you have them!) I know you can obtain anything you set your mind on, you are a very smart and determined young woman who has a very bright future...
BUT, you can also lose everything you have already worked so hard obtaining with the "I'll just have one attitude". I know you already know this - you are not the same person you were when you were using - why even go back to that "known destruction" when you have such a wonderful life ahead of you - if you just don't use! NOT EASY BUT TOTALLY WORTH IT!
xoxo
Dee

[iloerose]

Cheeky: That's one for the books. The whole truth in one post. Really toni, it's never just one. Sometimes you can feel yourself crossing that line, but you never know exactly where it will end. Hang Tough. You are more than worth it.

Peace,

Iloerose

[toni.s.]

Cheeky: That's one for the books. The whole truth in one post. Really toni, it's never just one. Sometimes you can feel yourself crossing that line, but you never know exactly where it will end. Hang Tough. You are more than worth it.

Peace,

Iloerose

agreed. cheek, that was one for the books.
thanks for taking the time to write to me.



so..i went there.

sux to have to say this out loud..
but..yeah..wasn't strong.

good thing is..he wouldn't give me anything.
"toni, everytime things are going good in ur life..you feel the need to f it up"
he said
"and, ..subconsciously...i think u knew i wouldn't give u anything..and that;s why u came HERE"

he's right...i could have gone anywhere.
but i don't know how to describe it.
part of me DIDN'T want him to give me anything..
but the other part did...and was willing to take it.

i dono.

i didn't use.
but i feel like i did.

the shame..the guilt..

but i feel grateful too.
that i didn't.

i went to a banquet sat night.
it was AMAZING.
it was a charity event for an amazing member of the community..
doing amazing things in his life.
28 years sobriety...
wow.

made me realize...
i'm so glad i'm here.
in the world.
amonsgt good people..
and blessings..

not in the using world.
other side of the spectrum really.

i think it was good for me..
been working sooo much..
and then early morn meetings..
becoming monotonous...

just tired all the time..
work..
meeting..
work..
meeting..

blah.

and don't get me wrong..
they're both neccessary.

but getting out into the world..
having a good time with friends..
just EXPERIENCING LIFE too..

it was a reminder of why i got sober in the first place.
to enjoy life.
sometimes i need that.

anyways...
just wanted to check in.
bittersweet update i guess.

but i'm good.

this experience helped me..
not having any using thoughts..
thankfully!

what a horrible place to be in, when those thoughts start taking over..

but i started working the steps with my new sponsor..
we're just gonna keep moving FORWARD..
best thing to do, right?!

[caughtagain]

that is all you can do right now... Just keep making the next right decision, and as time goes by, you WILL level out.. I cannot tell you how many times, I wanted to step over, and I DID... But you have not, and that is something you should build upon.. Growth sometimes comes from pain... When you have the urges, just keep fighting and the payoff IS your life.. We are here for you, we are rooting you on... Proud of you Toni! Reid

[toni.s.]

thanks reid.
your support has been tremendous.
i can't thank u enough.

it's hard though, u know?
I WANT THIS.
i want a better life..
i want to be a better person..
i want these 'growths'..

and ...lol..it's funny..
i was so far down before i just got clean..
that i was having these 'HUGE' epiphonies early on..
and they made me feel great.
made me want to keep going.
things as little as just controling my impulsiveness..
or setting a boundary..
or voicing something i wanted for once..
respecting myself..and my feelings..

all of the things that disappear FOR Me, in my use..

well i could 'feel' these growths..
and it kept pushing me forward..

but then my addiction can talk to me..
and tell me i'm not really growing..
or changing..
or doing enough..
or DESERVE it enough..
and it's so easy for me to slip back into my old thinking.

i talked to my sponsor about it yesterday.
my reasoning behind me wanting to use..
was that..i can make myself believe anything..
i've sat..and lived..in my denial..for so long..
that i was just going to go back to that.

afterall,
it was easier, right?
i'll just tell myself everything's great..
if the drugs make me feel good..
then i'll feel good..

kinda like..
i know it's a crazy world..
and maybe not real.
but it's MY WORLD..
and i'll be just fine living in it.


and i shared about my close relapse in a meeting on sat night..
i went to a midnight meeting after the banquet..
very small..
like 5 ppl small lol.
but it made me share..
so i guess that's good.

and someone literally came up to me afterwards..
and talked to me about self-esteem.

arghhh..

i know.!

my friend even had words with me on sat about it..
about how suprised she was about how low my esteem is..
my sponsor spoke about how i feel 'unlovable'..

seems reccurring...

i need to learn to love myself first.

and i know that i need sobriety for that..
and i know i'll have to work the steps..
cuz i'll have to dig deep.


denial seemed so glamorous for the past week..

but i know what i REALLY want is to ACTUALLY feel it..

not just tell myself i do..
or pretend/project that i do.
but i want 'it'.

and i know i have to do the work in order to get it..

i just get in my own way sometimes i guess.

[caughtagain]

When "we" get clean, we are like little children... We want to feel, we want everything good that we missed for so long.... Think of Willy wonka when the kids get let loose in the room where they can eat anything... BUT and here is the spin you should think about.. I always talk about finding balance... That is key.... You need to practice NOT going to the extremes... Try to not get too up or too down.. As we start out and are getting clean, we need to live in the spectrum of rolling hills, not peaks and valley's... When we were using, that was our world.. chasing the high or feeling the real low of WD... Now that you are clean, lifestlyes need to be relearned so that those extreme patterns are not our norm.... You are going to make it, I believe in you.. just think... rolling hills, not peaks..... that will lead to balance....Reid

[toni.s.]

thanks reid.

[iloerose]

toni: you have an angel on your shoulders. I remember when I first read your posts: punctuated by "I'm sorry". You do not realize how far you have come in this short time of sobriety. The honesty of your feelings moves me. You talk about self-esteem. Reread your posts. You have come a long way from that person who felt she had to apologize for what she said. I remember a post to you about apologizing for your words. YOU ARE MOVING FORWARD. As Reid said, just roll. Let those feelings roll off of you. And you know, deep in you heart, that the using self, just isn't you anymore. The thoughts remain, but the actions tell all. You will read your posts someday and see the wisdom you don't think you have.

Peace,

Rose

[winged eagle]

Toni, I simply can't get enough of your writing. I know you're hurting right now, but your thoughts flow, and believe me, writing it all out like this helps.
I wish I could say something profound, something that will click with you at this point in your recovery, but I've got nothing. Maybe because I'm battling these feelings myself, and I know how hard it is. But then, there are these words of encouragement and wisdom from our friends here, and though you feel that they hardly make a dent in the rush of emotions to use, they somehow register, and when you let the moment pass, they make sense. So much sense..

Just wanted you to know:
I'm thinking of you.
I'm rooting for you.
And I'm here,
we're all here,
for you.

[caughtagain]

How is it going Toni? I hope things are smoothing out for you... A bunch of us are/continue to root for you. One of my favorite movies... one of my favorite quotes:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Have a nice day! Reid

[toni.s.]

toni: you have an angel on your shoulders. I remember when I first read your posts: punctuated by "I'm sorry". You do not realize how far you have come in this short time of sobriety. The honesty of your feelings moves me. You talk about self-esteem. Reread your posts. You have come a long way from that person who felt she had to apologize for what she said. I remember a post to you about apologizing for your words. YOU ARE MOVING FORWARD. As Reid said, just roll. Let those feelings roll off of you. And you know, deep in you heart, that the using self, just isn't you anymore. The thoughts remain, but the actions tell all. You will read your posts someday and see the wisdom you don't think you have.

Peace,

Rose

what beautiful things to say.
thanks.

[toni.s.]

Toni, I simply can't get enough of your writing. I know you're hurting right now, but your thoughts flow, and believe me, writing it all out like this helps.
I wish I could say something profound, something that will click with you at this point in your recovery, but I've got nothing. Maybe because I'm battling these feelings myself, and I know how hard it is. But then, there are these words of encouragement and wisdom from our friends here, and though you feel that they hardly make a dent in the rush of emotions to use, they somehow register, and when you let the moment pass, they make sense. So much sense..

Just wanted you to know:
I'm thinking of you.
I'm rooting for you.
And I'm here,
we're all here,
for you.

wings,
the fact that u take the time to write to me, whilst ur going through your own things..
AND ur SUPER busy with work.
that means a lot.

i hope the words on my thread, help u..
just as the words on ur thread do for me.

when i was going through my crp..and i wasn't posting for myself
..i would check ur thread daily..
and sometimes felt like the words meant for u/from u..
could be words for me too.

this place is great.

[toni.s.]

How is it going Toni? I hope things are smoothing out for you... A bunch of us are/continue to root for you. One of my favorite movies... one of my favorite quotes:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Have a nice day! Reid

hey reid,

yeah...i'm not going anywhere.

i like that quote...
from what movie?

[caughtagain]

Shawshank Redemption

[iloerose]

toni: always reading your thread. Reid's wisdom is amazing. Hang tough.

wings: let us know how it goes with you!

Don't have much else to say, as Reid has said it all.

Peace,

Iloerose

[Anonymous]

love Shawshank..
Toni, don't think so much!!!

[Anonymous]

Toni,
i have to leave for work but wanted to post this.
when i first went to NA years and years ago i fought kicked and was mad as heck for the first year. i doubted everything but stayed clean.
when i jumped off the fent patches i did it here.
it was truly the hardest thing i've ever done.
for months i was so miserable i followed reid's advice and just believed.
one time after a few months i remember posting something about where is this new wonderful world yall are talking about?
reid replied something like, he never said life didn't blow, just that it was better clean, and that as always "this too shall pass".
i stopped thinking again, and just believed him......
i had to.
it was a desperate fight for my life, physically, emotionally and for my sanity.
soooo that's what i meant about not thinking too much.
for now, just have faith, ok?

[caughtagain]

something to add to Marian.... There are days that I don't like, there are times when I wake up in the morning and just wonder how or why I can be sad... I worry about things that I have no business worrying about because in the grand scheme of things, I have no control over the outcome.... generaly, I worry about life and all things that go with it... I worry, I get unhappy, I get downright scared sometimes to the point I get tears in my eyes..... But then.... something good happens, I see my wife, I see one of my 3 dogs, I get a kind word from a friend.. and just like that, life seems good.. For that moment..... Contrast that to my old life, the one that, although I knew was destructive, I lived for many years.... Take each of those feelings and at the onset, I would pop a pill... SOOOO, yeah life is a challenge and not always a thrill to try and navigate through, but if you look at how you have been doing it as of late Toni, you should feel very proud of your new paradigm. Because, although you are saying, yep... it blows.... you are hanging on to that next good moment... you are living the this too shall pass lifestlyes instead of the take a pill life... Hang on to the good and continue to learn to live THROUGH the "bad"... To this day I am still learning and as long as I challenge myself to learn and live, I know I will continue to get stronger in my fight to battle this chronic condition known as addiction that WE are ALL fighting. Have a nice day. Reid

[toni.s.]

you guys are amazing

thank you

[winged eagle]

Hey Toni,
You know, I see a bit of myself in you.
Not sure what it is exactly, but you remind me of myself, back when I was a tad younger :-)
I think it's the ethical way you approach things, the responsibilities you've taken on your young shoulders, and the fact that you are stubborn enough to fight. But here's where I hope we're different: Back then, I didn't have such a support group to guide me, encourage me, and kick my behind when needed.
Maybe I wouldn't be where I am today had that been the case.
But I do know that I'd have been dealing with today with a lot more coping skills to my name.
What I'm trying to get at in this clumsy way is: You're on the right track, and like CA and Marion have said, at this point it's best to blindly trust those guiding you. They are where we want to be, so they can clearly see the pitfalls ahead of us. If they say swerve, we swerve. If they say skip, we skip. And if they say this too shall pass, they're right.

It also occurred to me that we're stronger than we actually think.
I mean, there we were on day one, two, three, four.. When every cell in our body was craving the drug, every thought was centered on how it felt, and how good it would feel to just take one more... Well, we didn't. In the worst possible time, at our weakest point, we didn't. Just keep reminding yourself of that when the urges strike.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I can see it.
The others can see it.
It's time you see it too.

Proud of you. Seriously, very proud.

[crazyclearwater]

u guys r awesome, how u support each other its wonderful, i would b greatfull 2 hav friends like u all,thank u for posting all this, i feel like toni so all the responses are pretty much directed at me as well,,wow

and the bit about living in peaks n valleys to rolling hills now ,i lov it,,its so dam true,man we r the same in many ways...CC

[iloerose]

Reid said it: the worst day sober is better than the best day high. Jeez, wrap your brain around that one. Hope everyone is going good! Wings, hope everything is coming together for you. Your thread and toni's thread have so much honesty and truth. I don't think I've read posts that put this struggle into such perspective as these two threads. That need to understand and tell the truth is amazing.
CC: hope you're going good as well.

Peace,

Iloerose