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Yea, had the inevitable relapse...
  1. #1
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Default Yea, had the inevitable relapse...

    Well, I had made it a week without doing any opiates...but that Friday (6/8) I got a good amount of the blues. Just utterly stupid of me, a person I know had them for a good price and I bought them. I used them all week from that Friday (6/8) to this last Friday (6/15), I did my last 30 last Friday at 6:30 am just to make it through the work day. So, as of now, Monday morning I'm back at work and 72 hours since my last time using.

    Honestly, the WD's weren't as tough as in the past...usual symptoms but just not as severe, I'm a believer in the Thomas recipe, so I use that to help me though and the Imodium works excellent. As of now, I have some mild symptoms, but nothing too severe...chills, some fatigue...all of this and I have a pretty big project that needs to be started at work, just wonderful. Hopefully, it keeps me busy and I make it hour by hour without thinking about scoring some pills.

    So, part of the reason that I'm needing to be clean...of course for myself first of all but I've got another issue, way too much family and other obligations that will require me to travel and be away from any source of pills and would not want to be going through wd's during these times. I'll be going to visit family in Wisconsin for the Fourth, then have my buddies wedding in Atlanta the very next weekend...boy would it be glorious to be 2-3 weeks clean during these events. Not to get ahead of myself, just some goals for me.

    I haven't wanted to do this and change my phone number, but I'm considering it, have had this number for 12 years, but too many people that I shouldn't associate with have this number, and lead to some serious temptation. Although, even if I change my number, if I wanted some pills bad enough, I’m sure could find them.

    Also, I'd like to thank everyone that replied to my initial thread...One of the main reasons I'm posting this is from the people that asked where I was when I didn't post...this shows me that the people here care about others and understand what people are going through.

    Thanks, Fezafou

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    You need to decide to quit once and for all. This cycle will continue to repeat itself if you don't make a commitment to staying clean. Don't want to change your number? Block your dealers numbers. Honestly you now that. Yeah, you said it if you want pills bad enough you'll find them. In the end this is life or death. This isn't playing around.
    You bet we care and thanks for showing up and letting us know how you are doing. You can kick this thing now, if you truly commit to it. I don't think you're going to do it without help. Temptation seems great for you. I do hope you stay clean.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
    Crystalclear651 likes this.

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Fezafou,

    When we're relapsing back and forth, we're still on the fence about getting clean. We haven't made the true commitment that is needed for success. When we leave ourselves an "escape hatch" (access to the pills again), we're basically dooming ourselves to failure. That kind of "safety net" to use again won't work.

    When we become serious about staying clean, we seek out solutions that will set us up for success and not for failure. We obliterate ANY chance of getting more pills. If it means blocking phone numbers or changing your number - do it. In fact, delete the phone numbers that you have saved of those who give you the pills. Change friends - we can't hang out with drug-using friends and expect to stay clean for any length of time. Tell the doctor not to prescribe to you. Tell the pharmacy to stop filling scripts, if that's where you're getting it. It may sound crazy, but this is how we set ourselves up to make it - clean.

    One other essential piece: Have you been to any NA, AA or CR meetings yet? We need the support, the friendships and the program of the 12 steps. We can not beat this alone, it's just too powerful a disease. It's not easy, but it's worth every effort. While we're pulling away from "using" friends, we need new "sober" friends who are fighting the same battle along side us. We understand each other.

    When a person isn't ready to stop, sometimes that means they just haven't suffered enough as a result of their drug use. That sounds 'mean' - but it's the truth. If the consequences we've been through haven't been enough to keep us from wanting to go back to using, maybe we're going to need more consequences. This disease is always - always - always progressive. It gets worse over time. It will never get better. You will not be able to regain control over the pills - that's just the facts. So your relapses are going to get worse - and the consequences are going to get worse. We run into legal problems, arrests, overdoses, broken relationships, devastated finances, emotional upheaval and despair. It's bad, hon - and it is only going to get worse.

    Basically, we are ready for recovery when the pain (consequences) of using is worse than the fear of the unknown (recovery).

    What you do now - while clean - will determine your success or failure. Get yourself lined up with daily meetings of NA, AA or CR. That's where you'll learn how to succeed in this battle. That's where you'll learn how to cope with life without returning to drugs - and the cravings will pass. Just as the disease is progressive, recovery itself is progressive. If it weren't, I wouldn't still be clean/sober after all these years...

    God bless - I will keep you in my prayers,
    Ruth
    Crystalclear651 likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    it's good to hear from u!..i was worried.
    rose is right..make a decision..and make the commitment. i don't know...u kept saying that u want to get clean for u..but it sounded like there was more emphasis on the want to be clean for ur trips?
    you're right..that will be awesome if ur clean,and u can actually enjoy ur vacation and ur 'family time'. but what about afterwards?
    i almost want to tell u to change ur number, or just block ur dealers' numbers..but ur so right. if u want to find them..well...there's no stopping us when that happens.
    BUT...it was so huge for u to come here and tell us about ur 'slip'. that's a BIG step...honesty. probably one of the biggest AND hardest ones for us to master. so i'm so very proud of u for that.
    AND u have supporters here..so if u decide u are ready..u'll have all of us here behind u!
    but, u seem like ur a little on the fence..about a long haul sobriety that is anyways..soooooo, try to make the decision now. do u really want to keep going back and forth with this? it's soo not worth it, right?
    anyways..keep posting! i wanna hear from u..as do others. and support will get u so far in this process. do u have any other kind of support? going to meetings? i'm sure ur extended family doesn't know, due to ur post..what about ur immediate family? friends?
    and glad to hear ur not feeling too bad.. but it does get worse and worse everytime u go through this, so u def. don't wanna make a habit of it. if it were up to me..u'd be feeling better already..with zero cravings NOW..or EVER AGAIN for that matter. but it's not. and that's not how it works. so u WILL have to decide if ur ready for this..and if ur ready to make the commitment.
    i can tell u that it does get easier..and DEF get's better.
    can't wait to hear from u. how are u feeling? remember... JUST FOR TODAY. and before u know it..days'll start racking up into wks..mos..etc. just think about getting to the next moment right now if u have to. whatever u do though, don't use!..and it does get better like i said. i've seen too many success stories now, to believe that that isn't true.

  5. #5
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ARTIST658 View Post
    Dear Fezafou,

    When we're relapsing back and forth, we're still on the fence about getting clean. We haven't made the true commitment that is needed for success. When we leave ourselves an "escape hatch" (access to the pills again), we're basically dooming ourselves to failure. That kind of "safety net" to use again won't work.

    When we become serious about staying clean, we seek out solutions that will set us up for success and not for failure. We obliterate ANY chance of getting more pills. If it means blocking phone numbers or changing your number - do it. In fact, delete the phone numbers that you have saved of those who give you the pills. Change friends - we can't hang out with drug-using friends and expect to stay clean for any length of time. Tell the doctor not to prescribe to you. Tell the pharmacy to stop filling scripts, if that's where you're getting it. It may sound crazy, but this is how we set ourselves up to make it - clean.

    One other essential piece: Have you been to any NA, AA or CR meetings yet? We need the support, the friendships and the program of the 12 steps. We can not beat this alone, it's just too powerful a disease. It's not easy, but it's worth every effort. While we're pulling away from "using" friends, we need new "sober" friends who are fighting the same battle along side us. We understand each other.

    When a person isn't ready to stop, sometimes that means they just haven't suffered enough as a result of their drug use. That sounds 'mean' - but it's the truth. If the consequences we've been through haven't been enough to keep us from wanting to go back to using, maybe we're going to need more consequences. This disease is always - always - always progressive. It gets worse over time. It will never get better. You will not be able to regain control over the pills - that's just the facts. So your relapses are going to get worse - and the consequences are going to get worse. We run into legal problems, arrests, overdoses, broken relationships, devastated finances, emotional upheaval and despair. It's bad, hon - and it is only going to get worse.

    Basically, we are ready for recovery when the pain (consequences) of using is worse than the fear of the unknown (recovery).

    What you do now - while clean - will determine your success or failure. Get yourself lined up with daily meetings of NA, AA or CR. That's where you'll learn how to succeed in this battle. That's where you'll learn how to cope with life without returning to drugs - and the cravings will pass. Just as the disease is progressive, recovery itself is progressive. If it weren't, I wouldn't still be clean/sober after all these years...

    God bless - I will keep you in my prayers,
    Ruth
    i didn't get to read ur post before i sent mine..
    seems u managed to 'hit on the head' some of the points i was trying to make.
    atleast i try
    iloerose likes this.

  6. #6
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Fez, I'm glad your relapse didn't last too long, and that you came back on here. But everyone who already posted is correct....you have to decide to get off of this ride, once and for all. Your relapse sounded very familiar to me....you made it a week, then a Friday rolled around, a deal too good to pass up....and probably some thinking of "well, I made it a week, I could do that again! I'll just get some tonight and they'll last". At least that's how a LOT of my relapses went. Over and over and over.

    Changing the phone number is a good idea...but at the end of the day sometimes that's not enough. Not everyone has that as an option, either. I got mine from friends....and their numbers are memorized in my mind, so no erasing! At some point I realized that it didn't matter how many pills were out there or how easy the access is to them...I still couldn't do them. That even if somebody wanted to hand me a bottle for free, I still couldn't do them. But they are out there, and I know they are. For some reason coming to that realization made this attempt more successful for me. Because if I was waiting for them to dissapear off of the planet, I would be waiting a very long time.

    I used the same thinking when I quit smoking. I used to get SO angry when I would walk by people smoking, after I quit. I would think "why do THEY get to smoke, and I can't?? Why do they get to enjoy it, and I don't??". Finally the lightbulb went off and I got it. I could smoke. I could walk right into any store and buy a pack and do it. I was choosing not to. And they weren't being handed some free pass....they were taking all of the bad health chances that were the reasons that I wanted to stop.

    I'm glad this time around hasn't been too tough....but each time is different and you probably won't get so lucky next time around. Also, it really is about putting some time between you and your last pill. That really is the only way to start feeling free from them. Otherwise it's just an endless cycle of doing them, and then quitting...

  7. #7
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Thank you guys for the support

    Rose – You’re completely correct, I need to stop this constant going back and forth between trying to stay clean and going through WD’s. Also, you’re correct about the temptation aspect, it has been the reason I’ve failed at this lately. Thing is, almost over a year ago I accomplished getting off suboxone after being on it for two years. While the WD’s were worse than CT off oxy, the craving wasn’t there as it seems to be when I try going CT off oxys. I’m considering trying to get back on suboxone and try out Roberts taper, seems to have worked for so many others. Thank you though.

    Artist – Wow, thank you so much, your response really hit home for me. The fact that even to me it seems I’m on the fence with either being clean or using, I agree with you completely, I have to stop and quit relying on pills to help me with everything, because they only make things worse. As for my friends, my close friends are all non-users, only those “friends” I’ve made while being around addicts are the ones I need to stop associating with. I need to get back to being with my actual friends more and find joy in the things that gave me pleasure when I’m not on pills.

    The NA situation isn’t so great in my city, from what I’ve heard, it seems most are there from the courts/probation…seems to be a lot of users at these meetings. But I’ve heard the AA meeting around are more prevalent and seem to be done better that the few places that offer NA, I think AA meeting would help me a lot. Thanks again, and great reply.

    Toni – Hello, how are you Toni? Thanks for the concern, but unfortunately while I’m doing my thing with pills, I didn’t think to respond to the last thread of mine.

    As for the aspect of stopping for me and not for other things, I agree with you and need to focus on myself at this point. I think I worded I wrongly, those things I’m yearning to be a few weeks clean for are extremely important to me and not being on pills or worrying about them would make those events great. I also have so many reasons for being clean just for myself…my health, avoiding ending up in jail, or even farther along the path of addiction. Along with that, I want to be clean to keep those close personal relationships intact, I’ve caused a lot of damage to the people I love during my years as an addict, from my girlfriend to my parents and others close to me, they love me, but I’m sure I’d lose some of them if I continue to be an addict (my GF, parents maybe, can only take so much), luckily I’ve always hid it well. Thanks for the kind words Toni, I appreciate the support.

    Well, today at work hasn’t been too bad, kind of uncomfortable at times but nothing too bad. I used my skills to put off my important work projects another day or so…this is very important that I do well and would like to be a day or two better before I start. This current job I have is another reason why I need to be clean, I’ve only been working at my employer for eight months, but it’s a great company and has a lot of chance for me to move up in the ranks. I just need to be sober, I mean a month ago I left in the middle of the morning, telling no one to drive 45 minutes to get some pills, that was difficult to explain. One thing about work and pills, it always made work easier, if I was working 10-12 hours days 5-6 days a week, the pills made it easier to manage, I need to learn how to make it through a day normally. Anyway, as per your guys advice, I’ve deleted my pill connect numbers, only problem is two will contact me and one has my work cell number, so I’m sure at some point I’ll have to deal with the temptation, I just need to be strong and stay on the right path.

    I truly want to live a clean and happy life, I’ll do anything to get there, just need to remember how difficult it is and take it every hour at a time.

    Thanks again everyone for the support, I’ll try to keep you guys up to date.

  8. #8
    thalia45 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fezafou View Post
    Thank you guys for the support

    Rose – You’re completely correct, I need to stop this constant going back and forth between trying to stay clean and going through WD’s. Also, you’re correct about the temptation aspect, it has been the reason I’ve failed at this lately. Thing is, almost over a year ago I accomplished getting off suboxone after being on it for two years. While the WD’s were worse than CT off oxy, the craving wasn’t there as it seems to be when I try going CT off oxys. I’m considering trying to get back on suboxone and try out Roberts taper, seems to have worked for so many others. Thank you though.

    Artist – Wow, thank you so much, your response really hit home for me. The fact that even to me it seems I’m on the fence with either being clean or using, I agree with you completely, I have to stop and quit relying on pills to help me with everything, because they only make things worse. As for my friends, my close friends are all non-users, only those “friends” I’ve made while being around addicts are the ones I need to stop associating with. I need to get back to being with my actual friends more and find joy in the things that gave me pleasure when I’m not on pills.

    The NA situation isn’t so great in my city, from what I’ve heard, it seems most are there from the courts/probation…seems to be a lot of users at these meetings. But I’ve heard the AA meeting around are more prevalent and seem to be done better that the few places that offer NA, I think AA meeting would help me a lot. Thanks again, and great reply.

    Toni – Hello, how are you Toni? Thanks for the concern, but unfortunately while I’m doing my thing with pills, I didn’t think to respond to the last thread of mine.

    As for the aspect of stopping for me and not for other things, I agree with you and need to focus on myself at this point. I think I worded I wrongly, those things I’m yearning to be a few weeks clean for are extremely important to me and not being on pills or worrying about them would make those events great. I also have so many reasons for being clean just for myself…my health, avoiding ending up in jail, or even farther along the path of addiction. Along with that, I want to be clean to keep those close personal relationships intact, I’ve caused a lot of damage to the people I love during my years as an addict, from my girlfriend to my parents and others close to me, they love me, but I’m sure I’d lose some of them if I continue to be an addict (my GF, parents maybe, can only take so much), luckily I’ve always hid it well. Thanks for the kind words Toni, I appreciate the support.

    Well, today at work hasn’t been too bad, kind of uncomfortable at times but nothing too bad. I used my skills to put off my important work projects another day or so…this is very important that I do well and would like to be a day or two better before I start. This current job I have is another reason why I need to be clean, I’ve only been working at my employer for eight months, but it’s a great company and has a lot of chance for me to move up in the ranks. I just need to be sober, I mean a month ago I left in the middle of the morning, telling no one to drive 45 minutes to get some pills, that was difficult to explain. One thing about work and pills, it always made work easier, if I was working 10-12 hours days 5-6 days a week, the pills made it easier to manage, I need to learn how to make it through a day normally. Anyway, as per your guys advice, I’ve deleted my pill connect numbers, only problem is two will contact me and one has my work cell number, so I’m sure at some point I’ll have to deal with the temptation, I just need to be strong and stay on the right path.

    I truly want to live a clean and happy life, I’ll do anything to get there, just need to remember how difficult it is and take it every hour at a time.

    Thanks again everyone for the support, I’ll try to keep you guys up to date.
    As a chronic relapser, I just want to say give it your all. I am quite certain I have another "relapse" in me but not another "recovery". Hang in there.

  9. #9
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Thanks Talia, I like that quote a lot...it really applies to me.

    So, today is day 4 (96 hours) since last time using. Last night after work, I went and relaxed by my parents pool, as it was very hot yesterday ( and today!!!). I ate dinner over there also, since on Father's Day, I wasn't really around a lot, as I was going through WD's. That was nice to do. Then I went home and watched some TV and fell asleep at 8:30 pm, which is nice since I'm up at 5 AM for work. It seems when I'm on pills, I never have good sleeping patterns, I either stay up later or have a bad night sleep, but I would just counter that by starting my day with a pill in the morning.

    Hopefully, today goes OK, I'll be busy with work and won't be around my computer for a while. But, the physical symptoms have mainly subsided and really the main issue is my emotions...which I know have to get used not having opiates affecting (numbing) them.

    Thanks again everyone and I appreciate the support.

    Fezfou

  10. #10
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Well, work today has been manageable, I feel pretty good, I am somewhat fatigued but nothing too bad. I've actually got myself to eat this morning for breakfast and just now at lunch I ate quite a bit and that was nice. I also have made plans for most the weekend (my biggest time of temptation) that I need to keep me busy and around people that don't use pills (alcohol maybe, just not pills). Gotta get back to work, thanks again for everyone's support

    Fezafou
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

    - Khalil Gibran

  11. #11
    mottam is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by fezafou View Post
    Well, work today has been manageable, I feel pretty good, I am somewhat fatigued but nothing too bad. I've actually got myself to eat this morning for breakfast and just now at lunch I ate quite a bit and that was nice. I also have made plans for most the weekend (my biggest time of temptation) that I need to keep me busy and around people that don't use pills (alcohol maybe, just not pills). Gotta get back to work, thanks again for everyone's support

    Fezafou
    Hi fez - welcome.
    Do you know where to keep busy and stay around people who don't use pills? In a 12 step fellowship. Like you, relapse is part of my story. As Ruth stated, sometimes people really need to hit new bottoms until the pain gets great enough that they will do most anything to stop using. Some never make it back - fact. You don't have to hit that next bottom. Become a member of the "no matter what club". Feelings, cravings, urges will pass. What ever is going on in your life, good or bad simply do not use - no matter what.

    Best of luck.

    Kindest Regards.
    mottam
    Persistency is consistency

  12. #12
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    I really butchered that post grammatically. I meant to say, I have plans with people that don't use pills, and these plans should keep me busy and my mind of pills.

    Thank you

    Fezafou
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

    - Khalil Gibran

  13. #13
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    Today is day 5 (120 hours)...I'm feeling pretty well and got a good night’s sleep. Yesterday after work didn't consist of much, was about 95 degrees outside and I just went out to dinner with my GF, It's nice to be able to eat somewhat normally again. Things have been good between my GF and I the past few days after a week or so of fighting...me being somewhat distant, using pills then the first few days of WD's. Then watched some basketball and went to bed.

    My cravings haven't been as strong as before my last few relapses...but I'd rather be wary of it than keep my guard down on that front. I haven't talked to anyone that uses pills in five days and want to keep it that way. For some reason I feel more will-power this go at it than most times before or since I stopped taking suboxone about 18 months ago.

    Anyway, gotta get to work...I actually had some coffee this morning for the first time in five days, as i try to avoid caffeine while going through WD's.

    Thanks again everyone

    Fezafou
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

    - Khalil Gibran

  14. #14
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    i keep reading the title to your thread.. "the inevitable happened"...and i'm so sorry..i hate it.
    relapsing DOESN'T have to be 'inevitable'. your doing well so far..stay away from ur friends/dealers with pills. but the title kinda told us where ur head is.. when u 'run into them'..is it inevitable? that u'll cave?
    gosh i hope not. the meetings have been a life saver for ME...BUT..we're all different. i'm finding that it's just a simple support group that can make the difference. along with the WANT to get sober ofcourse. i do both mtgs. i have contacts/connections in both AA and NA.i don't think it matters which it is..i've just been blessed to find really great mtgs in both that i like. it's funny..now i know why they say "keep coming back". if u go to enough meetings...even if u don't want to..eventually ur going to hear something in them that just 'clicks'. so that's what i would suggest right now.. and u might make some new friends in them too..so u DEF. don't have to be worried about being around ppl that are using.
    as far as the (alcohol maybe) comment..hmmm..i dono how smart that is. u want to try and eliminate any temptation you might have this early in ur recovery. it's up to u of course. if u CAN be around it and not use. good for u. but i know i can't. as is the case for most others...just some advice
    Strong Desire likes this.

  15. #15
    fezafou is offline New Member
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    You're correct on the 'inevitable' being in my title...sounds like I'm planning to fail again. Maybe a new thread for me making it 6 days would be appro

    Thanks toni

    Fezafou
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

    - Khalil Gibran

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