Hello all.
Ive come to what feels like the end of a very long road.
Im exhausted from this painkiller addiction I have - Im on my first day of full withdrawal, and feeling the full effects of despair, apathy, loneliness, depression not to mention the aches, pains and general malaise.
I don't want to go back to my doctor, I feel so ashamed and undisciplined. I have been taking these things for years (morphine), and hate the control over my life.
I was prescribed them for chronic back pain that occurred as a result of lifting my quadriplegic husband in and out of bed every day. He passed away suddenly a few years back, and since then I have found myself relying on these pills just to not feel anything. Numb. Ive known for a long time this isn't the answer, and have just been procrastinating the enevitable.
Im even more ashamed that last year I was in this very boat, and had the perfect opportunity to kick this habit. Yes I was posting on this forum then. Then I went and got another prescription filled, fooling myself that Id have control and never have to go through withdrawal again (sound familiar?)
As far as I know in my country there are no options like suboxone, that Ive been reading about on here, and to be honest Id rather live with the week of withdrawal symptoms (Ive been through this before), than have to face tapering down and feeling the withdrawal symptoms, or hoping for a high from popping a pill in my mouth.
Ive had anti depressants in the past, and didn't like the side effects. Thus Im starting to feel like Im up **** creek without a paddle.
I have started the Thomas recipe, and so far it is helping with some of the physical pain, but I don't have access to valium or any other type of tranqs, my doc wont prescribe them. All Im taking is vitamins.

Im wondering if anyone else has reached this point, and if so are there any other answers?
I really would appreciate any feedback, I cannot stand this despair.

[mpvt]

Here's a very good recipe for going Cold Turkey.I have posted this many times and alot people have used it successfully.Good luck and hang in there the fight is worth it.....Dave

Pain, Addiction & Withdrawal Support
> The Thomas Recipe for Cold Turkey Withdrawal
PLEASE NOTE: I am not a doctor, simply a long-time Rx opiate junkie who has had many opportunities to develop a way to detox. This is a recipe for at-home self-detox from opiates based on my experience as well as that of many other addicts. It is not intended as professional medical advice. It is always wise to make sure none of the recipe ingredients or procedures conflict with medications you may be taking. Likewise, if you have any medical condition, disease, allergy or any other health issue, consult your doctor before using the recipe. Thanks, Thomas
THOMAS RECIPE
If you can't take time off to detox, I recommend you follow a taper regimen using your drug of choice or suitable alternate -- the slower the taper, the better.
For the Recipe, You'll need:
1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can't get one of the others.
2. Imodium (over the counter, any drug or grocery store).
3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store.
4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper, Magnesium and Potassium (you may not find the potassium in the same supplement).
5. Vitamin B6 caps.
6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available).
How to use the recipe:
Start the vitamin/mineral supplement right away (or the first day you can keep it down), preferably with food. Potassium early in the detox is important to help relieve RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). Bananas are a good source of potassium if you can't find a supplement for it.
Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you're aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn't need the Valium after day 4 or 5.
During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom.
Use the Imodium aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don't take it, however, if you don't need it.
At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
Continue to take the vitamin/mineral supplement with breakfast.
As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better.

Is there a natural alternative to benzos?
My doc won't give me any more prescriptions - clonazepam he tells me is habit forming.

[ymccormack]

Hi...I have kicked without the aid of prescription drugs in the past. It's hard but do-able.

One suggestion is Benedryl to help relax you and make you sleep. It's available at any drug store. Look at the active ingredient....you can get it as an inexpensive generic as well. This is the same drug as Tylenol PM without the Tylenol.

You can do this....just keep reminding yourself that success means you'll never have to do this again.

Good Luck and Let Us Know.

YM

[Junkie781]

The only thing I can tell you about the despair and emotional distress you are feeling is that it WILL, in fact, get better as time passes. Tomorrow will be two weeks for me being totally clean of narcotics (I had a pretty huge Oxycontin habit going) and I am just now starting to feel somewhat normal again - first 5 days were hell and I never thought I'd feel better, but as time goes on and your body chemistry starts to change back to normal, you will start feeling a little better...

Post here and "talk" to us, if that helps.

Were you registered last year with a screen name of "RestlessAndWreckless" or something like that? I was here last year too.

[outdrlvr]

Thanks to those who have responded already.

I am using my old username (thanks to admin, who kindly helped me out activating my old account).

It is good to hear from others, not that I wish this pain on anyone. But knowing Im not alone is a comfort. I can't talk to friends, they won't understand. I have very few close friends. My family lives in another country.
So the feeling of being alone hits really hard sometimes.

I know I'll get through this, Im just afraid of relapsing again. Like I did last year, fooling myself that Im strong enough to not let myself get to this point again. Then even more foolish telling myself the withdrawals aren't that bad, or they don't last that long...
I do have physical pain, but I dont beleive these painkillers are the answer. I look at my home, it's a disaster, and Im not a person who can stand clutter. But worse, the apathy sits - and I convince myself I need another 'magic pill' to get me through that day and the enormous list of things to do (Im a classic overachiever). But it never happens. Im realising that slowly my life has started to fall apart.
I also realise that I can be a nasty person while on these drugs, short tempered, impatient, no tolerance for other people. I dont want to be like that anymore.
Anyhow, day 1 is nearly over, and each day will get easier - thankfully.

There is life after drugs right? Good times - Im already looking forward to it.

[Mike VG]

I feel for you, Restless. Unfortunately for us, or maybe I should say, fortunately for us God has given us feelings to guide, to help us come to realizations, to experience all of what we're blessed to feel; though it may not feel that way with the negative emotions. All I can say is I know you're going through a lot right now and I pray that God will love you and reach down to you, or rather light His Light within you which may be a bit dim right now. Sometimes when we humble ourselves before Him, as catastrophic as our own "ME" is concerned for the time being, if we get down on our knees and let it all out to Him, he will lift you up. I hope I haven't gone somewhere I shouldn't have, I'm just tring to help the only way I know how and that is with the Truth. The Truth is hardly anywhere to be found nowadays, especially in the churches. And that's the way He said it would be. These are hard, evil, wicked days; where the insane has passed for sane. Sorry for my rambling, just hang in there Restless. I know you're tired. But there is a peace and a rest for you. God Bless you as you go through your valley. You are NEVER alone.
Mike VG

[alonenomore]

Hi restless, WOW so proud of you for doing this cold turkey. NEVER BEAT YOURSELF UP ON THIS FORUM FOR RELAPSING AND COMING BACK!! We all so understand, most of us are just like you and my gut actually clenched when i read your post, especially about the shame and despair. This to shall pass. Hang on...thats what people here keep telling me. I start Suboxone therapy on Tuesday. Told my husband about by new and improved oxycodone habit (before that Lortab and Vicodin-Norco) and he was upset and pissed at first, but now he is being ultra-supportive. I know Sub is not for everyone, so proud of you for going at it without, I am too afraid to even try that, plus i have a 13 year old at home and she cannot see me in full blown withdrawal, it will scare her. Its not all about me anymore and I have to look out for her wellbeing as well. I CAN DO THIS AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE!!! Scared ********************less, but gratefuly.

[Junkie781]

There is life after drugs right? Good times - Im already looking forward to it.

I quit cold turkey two weeks ago and while I still don't feel 100% normal, I can already confidently declare that life IS better without the drugs. You just need to hang on long enough for your body chemistry to start getting back to normal again...

Hope you're doing ok

[outdrlvr]

Day 2...
I can't believe how solid I slept last night! More than anything I was dreading the RSL syndrome that keeps me awake at night. Oh so tired, but the body just keeps wriggling regardlessly - what punishment..

But I had none of that last night. I can only attribute it to the vitamins Im taking.
Someone must be on my side, for I don't have to take my daughter to school today.

Alonenomore - I hear you, my daughter is 10. I told her Im not feeling well, thankfully my symptoms are mostly flu like. I can't really explain to her my problem, maybe one day, and hopefully she'll understand.
I try not to beat myself up over this, the doc gave me the pills in the first place - as I said to a friend last night (and the only friend I have admitted this to), they make you feel great. How can you not want more? Had I known it would come to this though, I would never have taken them in the first place. Pain or no pain, they aren't worth it.

MikeVG - thankyou for your kind words, there is peace and rest for all of us. Im not a church goer for I can't stand the hipocrasy Ive been exposed to, but I am spiritual.

Junkie718 - good to hear, I know my chemistry has changed. I realised this morning I used to hate the sleepy haze the benzos put me in, these days I kinda like it. For that reason alone Im glad I dont have access to any more prescriptions - my doc wont give me those anymore, and Im not going shopping, never have.

Lastly, peace to all of you, although I know none of you personally, I know the battles you have to face, and it isn't easy. I say this for anyone who might be on the start of this long road, for it is not a fun one.

PS: once again, I am using my old username, "outdrlvr" instead of Restless.

Thankyou all for responding. It really helps. I know it's going to be very tough once Im through this, to not go back to thinking "oohhh just a pill or two wont hurt"..

[submom]

wow, good for you taking control back of your life...it is a huge step in the right direction. I hear that day 3 or 4 can be the worst...i just want you to prepare for it so it doesnt take you by surprise. You can do this. You owe it to your self and your child. Stay strong, even when you dont think you can make it....force your self to change your actions...go for a walk, get a tall drink of water sometimes just changing your pace can get you through a temptation.

We are here...keep posting..it will help.
Just so you know liquid cal mag helps alot with the RLS. You can find it at a local whole foods market and its worth its weigh in gold. 2 tablespoons can take those away....and its a supplement....so its good for you

[Junkie781]

Way to go, Restless! You're doing great! The time WILL pass and you WILL start feeling better. Today makes two weeks of opiate-free life for me and I am actually starting to focus again at work and feeling a bit more like my old self again....still a long way to go, but I'm back on the right track. I've seen my substance abuse counselor twice now and I also joined a substance abuse discussion group that he runs on Wednesday nights....been to that meeting once so far and it was pretty good.

Hang in there and keep us updated on your progress!!

We're all rooting for you!

[outdrlvr]

No energy.
Can't believe the horror of this.
Life will be better without pills.


Edit....

Burst of energy. Made myself get up and clean the dishes in my kitchen! Less depressing, as much as it felt like climbing a mountain (believe it or not when not going through withdrawal I actually do hike mountains for real) I feel better for doing it.

Couch will be calling again soon.

Reminder to self, and anyone going through this... be gentle to yourself

Looking forward to tomorrow.

[Junkie781]

Here's some pictures for you, Restless:
http://www.oscarthebird.com/colorado...ch/default.asp

Me and the wife a couple of years ago, hiking in Breckenridge, Colorado



*Begins Day 15 Opiate Free*

[outdrlvr]

Thankyou Junkie781! I really enjoyed those pictures.
I can't wait until Im strong enough again to be out on my mountain bike, or hiking up in the mountains somewhere. Hasn't been that long, just a week, but right now it feels like an eternity.
Day 15 for you! Im so happy for you... I know in a month or so the days will be flying by, but at the moment Im counting each hour.
Still dark outside, its so early am here. Glad it's the weekend though.

Day 3 for me. Slept pretty good again, took more vitamins before bed. Everyone is right, potassium and magnesium really does help the RLS - else it would've been unbearable (night time is the worst).
Feeling a bit stronger this morning, not sure how long that'll last - it's typically worst on day 3 isn't it?

(Don't mind me if I sound like Im talking to myself. I want to use this as a reminder how bad this is to come back to the next time Im tempted to go get morph, or anything else).

[Junkie781]

Feeling a bit stronger this morning, not sure how long that'll last - it's typically worst on day 3 isn't it?

The period beginning at the third day and lasting through the fifth day was the worst for me.....I felt a LOT better when I woke up on the 6th day. Perhaps because I did not sleep for even one single second the first 4 nights, but the 5th night I was a zombie and I actually slept a few hours, so when I woke up on day 6 I felt much, much better.

Today, compared to a week ago: HUGE difference. I actually feel like going out and doing something today. I have two dogs, both Cockapoos, maybe I'll take them down to the park today for a nice walk.... I would not even have been able to consider doing that last week....

Another good thing: My life at work is vastly improved without the pills. This week I got more work done than I have in the last 3 months combined....

Hang in there, you're almost over the hump! I'll check in here often, give you someone to chat with over the next few days......

[outdrlvr]

Junkie781 - I recall last year (yes Im an idiot for going back to the darn pills...) that the third day was the worst for me. But, I wasn't taking the vitamins that I am now. Last year was my first time withdrawing from morphine, this is my second - Ive always managed to make the prescription last.. until last year I was using them appropriately.
This year Id been using them to combat stress, and avoid any feelings of being sad (I dont have depression, but grieving over the loss of my hubby comes back to haunt now and then) - well we all know the excuses for taking an extra one here and there, then you chase that euphoria, and gah I feel like a loser now.
But, I see this as the beginning. And instead of feeling the usual apathy that comes with lack of highs Im looking forward to putting areas of my life back together. Things haven't fallen completely apart, its just easier to let some things go, stuff around the home that needs fixing, chasing down more work (Im self employed), getting outdoors more - all stuff thats easy to procrastinate and do on the next 'high'. Im looking forward to not needing that high to get things done.
Im curious if this means I really am sick of the cycle... I am terrified of going back to these things. Ive realised for the last year they have sucked away my desire to do all the fun things in life I enjoy. Getting outdoors has felt like a real chore for the last few months. I want that back.
Id like to go out for a bike ride today, I might even do that. Weather is particularly lousy, but that hasn't stopped me in the past. Just feeling a bit feverish right now, as well as the churning stomach so I think I'll wait a while. It's still early here.

No RLS though! Yay!

Thanks for replying, it's nice to have someone to talk to here

[Junkie781]

Sounds like you're in a pretty decent place, mentally.....sorry to hear about your husband, that must be tough to deal with emotionally.......and don't beat yourself up about your relapse. I did the same thing....I got clean for about 8 or 9 months, life was great, then I picked up and started using again......I'm still in the process of trying to forgive myself for that......

Relapse, unfortunately, is almost always a part of the recovery process....some people relapse time and time again, I think the key to success in this addiction recovery thing is not letting those relapses *permanently* kick you off the recovery bandwagon....

[outdrlvr]

What made you pick up and start using again?
All I can think is last year i was forced to go through withdrawal cos my prescription ran out early, and thankfully I never went searching other sources. Dependency or addiction... doesn't really matter to me, I still wanted them.
Thus I lasted until could go back to my doc, convincing myself that Id take them for the right reasons, pain.
That lasted until this year - not bad eh? Took discipline. Don't get me wrong, Im being sarcastic. I should've stayed off them while I had the chance, I was just beginning to realise there is life without them. That I didn't need them to get this job done, or enjoy that social occasion.
Then I caved!!!

Now I just have to keep reminding myself the pills were enabling me to procrastinate, 'till the next high, 'till the next prescription - never completing tasks except that which made money.
Ugh, what a horrible way to live.
I felt like ***t taking them, especially my last prescription, cos I got the lecture from my doc.
Now I feel like ***t not taking them, but at least I know it's going to get better from here on out. Not worse.
Soon enough I'll be enjoying the lack of physical need for them, the freedom from living from doc's visit to doc's visit.. Just the mental issues reminding myself I don't want them!


Yes I am in a good place mentally right now - today I even feel like going out. I'll do something nice with my daughter, so long as my symptoms aren't too bad.

Feeling very lucky right now - and hey, there's even a smile!
(FYI I Know now last year when I tried quitting I wasn't ready to... I was lying to myself, just to get through those few weeks before I could get my next prescription).

Hope you're smiling too Junkie781... cos you're over two weeks opiate free. Im happy for you.
Forgive yourself too, you're also in a good place now, on the right track by sounds of it. we all make mistakes, easy to make mistakes, harder to forgive ourselves for it right?

[Junkie781]

What made you pick up and start using again?

Forgot where I came from, literally....addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful and it's always with us, whether we are actively using narcotics or not. I believe for someone like me to stay "in remission" (e.g. Not Using) we have to be vigilant, and never forget what it was like to be addicted, what the pain of withdrawal was like.....That stuff fades over time and (at least for me) we tell ourselves "oh, it wasn't that bad, and I can control it, what harm's a few pills going to do?"

Anyway, that's what happened to me....and it was off to the races after using once....I stayed actively using for about a year.

Just got back from the Mall and the grocery store with my wife. Nice ride through the fall foliage (I live in the USA in the New England region) and we're planning a nice roast pork tenderloin and seasoned and oven roasted potato dinner (cooked by yours truly)......

It's nice to be interested in food again.....

OK, I'll check back in later...

[outdrlvr]

OOOHHH dinner sounds good!
Don't have the energy it'd take to cook. Not yet. It'll come.
Still resting and taking it easy today, and I keep reminding myself that I feel better than yesterday, though Im not very 'patient' when it comes to being sick though.
Glad you have your wife there for support. I miss my hubby dearly. I have my daughter, she's a gem, and Im thankful for her company.

I hear ya about the addiction though, it is tricky. I seriously thought last year I could keep a handle on it, use the pills as prescribed ~knocks oneself over the head... do'h!!~ The withdrawal IS bad... bad bad bad!! I dont want to be in my body right now.
Come to think of it the haze aint that great either...

I just don't want them anymore. I just want to feel better.

Ok, I'll stop whining now.

Enjoy your supper!

and oh I'll be here later. My day is only half over.

[Mike VG]

outdrlvr, you mentioned a condition, RLS, have you tried Gabapentin (Neurontin) for this. I have 2 friends who have suffered most of their adult lives with this annoying condition, both of them are now on Gabapentin and it not only has subsided but it's completely gone while they're on this medication. I thought I would pass this along to you.
Mike VG

[outdrlvr]

Hi Mike

Never tried gabapentin for RLS, but I have had it in the past. My RLS is a pure result of the withdrawals Im going through right now. Appreciate the idea, if it persists into next week I'll see my doc.

[Junkie781]

Good Morning:

Well, the wife and I took the dogs for walk, had a nice dinner, then watched the Boston Red Sox beat the Cleveland Indians in Game 6 of the American League Championship Series.....it's down to game 7 tonight and it's really nice to be interested in stuff like this again.

Day 16 begins. Doing a little better each day.

Restless - hope your OK this morning.

[outdrlvr]

Junkie781 (can I call you "J" from now on?)

I gotta smile. Woke up feeling much better. Somewhat nervous about a different life, not in a negative way, it's just that it's been such a long time since Ive lived without pills.
Im a bit worried how my back is going to behave, hopefully the chronic pain will not come back. If it does, Im sure going to be looking for a different way to manage the pain - keep my fingers crossed. This is the real test now.

Few sweats this morning, but slept pretty good. Again no RLS yay!

Its good to hear from you here, nice to know that you're enjoying things in life again. Im looking forward to getting to that point - Im already on my way. Just gotta get to the point where Im feeling physically strong... Im most of the way there.
Its Day 4 !!!!!

[Junkie781]

Sounds like you're on the right track! Wife and I are headed out to dine in a restaurant for dinner, then we need to make a run to the pet store for treats and toys for our dogs, then home to watch game 7 in the American League Championship Series (we're Boston Red Sox fans)......

My 16th day was pretty uneventful......sleeping is still not totally right, but I've suffered from chronic insomnia for years, drugs or no drugs......

Anyway, keep it up!!!

[outdrlvr]

J - Ive had a great day!
I know it's only Day 4, and this morning's sweats and chills I felt *****y, but once those were gone I felt good. Actually enjoyed going to a restaurant for brunch with a long time friend, without feeling the need to be enveloped in the fog of morphine.
I can hardly wait to be fully active again, cos I know without the drugs I'll be that much more physically strong.
Just need to keep on this train of thought... life is better without drugs!


Edit...

Still having major symptoms, despite my upbeat mood. Tired, achey, need to rest. Patience is a huge key in getting through this.

[Junkie781]

Patience is critical. Another thing that helps a little, for me at least, is having done it before. Since I've gotten off drugs several times, I know what to expect. I know how long it takes for body chemistry to start to head back to normal levels, I know that the longer I stay off the junk, the better I'll feel, the easier it will be to deal with life, how much better a worker, husband and friend I'll be.....being patient and waiting for that change to occur is one of the keys to coping with withdrawal.......

You've done this before, you know what I mean. In your head, you KNOW you can feel better, there WAS a time in your life when you didn't take pills to function. You've gotten off them, then relapsed, right? So, like me, you kinda know what to expect from what you're going through right now....I think there are some advantages in that.

[outdrlvr]

Hi J...

Its been so long for me to go without opiates that Ive almost forgotten what it feels like. Aside from that very brief respite last year, ooohhh about 3 weeks (oh the shame!!!). I wasn't ready to quit last year, I still loved my fog too much.
Now, ugh.... I was really starting to dislike the person I had become. Apathetic most of the time, and highly irritable, intolerant, short tempered.
I want to be a nicer person, and feel calm. Looking forward to full physical recovery, then it'll be a mental battle for me. But reinforcement of how much I disliked where I was at, and yes patience.

Feeling pretty darn good today, more energy. Not 100% - but Im definitely over the very worst.
I went out with friends last night, and found myself to be the same comedic, entertaining person, but without the fog.
Sounds wierd, but the thought of facing the world without morphine kinda made me feel naked! Got over that real quick

[Junkie781]

Sounds wierd, but the thought of facing the world without morphine kinda made me feel naked! Got over that real quick

I really think that those kind of thoughts are part of the addiction....we convince ourselves that we need it to just "get through the day" when in reality we're making it increasingly difficult to get through each day the longer we use......

Man, I'm on day 17 now and looking back over the last year or so, I'm wondering how I even kept my job.....luck, I guess, because I wasn't doing a very good job at all, despite telling myself over and over again that the pills made my life easier to deal with.

That's the twisted, totally screwed up nature of addiction.....